Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/(quick)Daron Malakian
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Hey, this is an article I've been working on for a couple of hours or so, I'm trying to improve it and I really need some critisism and comments etc. It would help as I want to make it up to the standards of Uncyclopedia.\
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is being reviewed by:
UU - natter
(While you're welcome to review it as well, you might like to consider helping someone else instead).
(Also, if the review hasn't been finished within 24 hours of this tag appearing, feel free to remove it or clout UU athwart the ear'ole).
|Humour:||3||OK, that's not a great start, is it? Problem is, I don't see too many jokes in here, and the ones I do see, we see a lot in band articles on Uncyclopedia. Now, there's nothing to say you can't make a decent article about Daron, in fact, a good article can be written about anything, but you've got to approach it the right way. So let's look at what you've don well, and... not so well..
Well: you've got a coherent central idea - that is, you haven't gone off on lots of incredibly weird, random tangents. You've tried to maintain a thread through the whole thing. Except that last bit. Games? WTF? Totally doesn't fit with the rest, lose it. But yeah, the biggest single problem many band articles have is they aren't coherent because people just write lines they think are funny without caring if they fit together. So yeah, nice one for doing that.
Not so well: you've not really added many jokes. Drinking malt vinegar is an interesting idea, but it's never really explained (perhaps it's how Serj gets that oh-so-distinctive vocal sound?) and so doesn't work. Something in Mexico is alluded to but goes no further in a short line that suggests you had an idea and wanted to get it out quickly without worrying if anyone else will follow it. Actually, that applies quite well to the rest of the stuff too - there's references that only fans will understand, and that really need to be fleshed out.
So, essentially, I'd say you need to sit down and figure what you're trying to say, and why it's funny. Then take your time to write it out properly, not just in a shorthand that fans might understand if they follow your train of thought. (I know SOAD, but not brilliantly, and some of this loses me).
Things to lose, incidentally, include the Gary Glitter reference, and the ass grabbing bit - any gay jokes, basically. Pretty much every band article on here, particularly the less-good ones, features a few gay jokes. They're old, predictable, and not funny any more. If they ever were. There should be plenty of other things you can work on without resorting to that.
|Concept:||5||You have a basic idea - stick to the proper biography route, and try to make it more ridiculous. Fine as it goes, you just need to work on explaining it more clearly and focus on making the jokes work, and work for everyone, not just you. Don't lose the focus though, and get random.|
|Prose and formatting:||5||I've mentioned the ned to be more clear in your writing already. Also, think about formatting. You've placed a picture in the middle of a paragraph, creating a line break in the middle of a sentence, which just looks odd. Move the pic to the start of the paragraph, and remove the break. Concentrate on tidying it up a little. Look at some featured articles - see how they do it.|
|Images:||4||Two images, both relevant, so fine as far as it goes. But not well captioned, adding nothing to the article. Also, possibly a little small. Again, have a look at how some featured articles use pics, see what ideas you can get.|
|Final Score:||21.3||OK, I've pretty much said it all up there: keep the basic idea, explore and explain your ideas better, focus on why they're funny, and don't assume we know what you're on about. Have a good read through HTBFANJS - I find it helps, and possibly have a read of HowTo:Write A Funny Band Article, which is a tongue-in-cheek look at what people often get wrong when writing a band article.
Finally, remember: this is onnly my opinion, others are available. and good luck!
|Reviewer:||--UU - natter 21:54, Nov 3|