Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Ōkami

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edit Ōkami

OMG!!! It`s Cat the Colourful, Jesus Christ!!! 13:27 20 September 2011 13:27, September 20, 2011 (UTC)

Sorry for the wait, Cat, I started doing it in my userspace, give me like 5 days. I'll go in-depth at least. :D Snowflake mini Mattsnow 03:48, November 8, 2011 (UTC)
Humour: 5.5 Hi Cat, sorry for the wait! The manner in which I do Pee reviews is by adding some suggestions on the fly, bitching (a lot) and pointing out bad spots and good ones. These suggestions are there to help spark ideas, so don't add them textually unless you find they are very good. They're like food for thought, some kind of funny flash I had when reading the article that I just throw in there.

First of all, I don't know at all what that game Okami is, so I'm gonna resist the temptation to Google it so you'll have the perception of an uncultivated guy, as some (or a lot) of the readers probably won't know what it is either. Overall, I would say that the aticle has potential and there are some good ideas and a good concept too, but it is sometimes confusing thanks to the well, sometimes confusing prose. I'll get back to the prose later, I'll give some advice for the funniness here section by section:

Intro

The repetition of "divine " in the headers is somewhat funny to me, good idea. I also like the very first sentence about crystal meth. I think the enumeration of the stuff that Amaterasu does could contain funnier elements though. The first few are funny, but "make vines to swing on, attract nearby sources of fire, lighting and water" is not too incredible, I'm sure you can come up with ridiculous and untrue stuff!

Divine Plot

I really like this paragraph, it made me laugh, I think here you are pretty efficient at turning this stuff into something ridiculous. This sentence is pretty confusing though: "The god saves a tiny village, and still the people think that the drunken old bastard who thinks he is a swordsman because someone in his family 100 years ago saved everybody." Rework that and you have a great section here! :)

Divine Celestial Brush

This paragraph is pretty confusing and I can see there are attempts at jokes in there, but they fall flat since the text is not too clear. Also, you abandon the encyclopedia style (for the first time) in the last 2 sentences, which feels awkward.

Divine Celestial Gods

As opposed to some people around Uncy, I think lists are sometimes good, and I think you made the right choice to use one here. However, you could cut it down a bit. Ask yourself if it's really funny or just laying a fact down. For example, "Yomikami is a Dragon and the first god you find." I understand the bloke may be important in this Okami thing, but this is a fact, not a joke. Also, you unexpectedly go from the encyclopedia style to the "I", "me" style (for lack of a better word) right here: "Tachigami is a small mouse with a sword that is too long. I think it's also a beaver or something I dunno." The change in tone sounds pretty strange to me, I suggest removing the 1st person narrative tense. Your call. I report, you decide soldier!

Divine Characters

The inside joke relating to Chief is funny to you and I, but I wonder if it will be funny to other readers.

  • Amaterasu:I like this one, the origami joke is pretty clever, nice imagination. The myth thing isn't bad either.
  • Issun:I enlarged the "small" a bit, it was totally unreadable on my PC, this is also a clever joke. Maybe you could add another reason why he's so small, I don't know, maybe he had Chinese ancestry or something.
  • Mr. and Mrs. Orange:Pretty good joke with the banana thing at the beginning there. Here is another instance where you switch the article to the first person tense: " I don`t know whose jobs are more useful, but drinking beer is quite cool." It always sounds like it comes out of the blue...
  • Blockhead: The first paragraph needs work as it contains the biggest prose trainwreck of the article (see the prose section) but I rather enjoyed the last part about the Wilde quotes
  • Orochi:Not bad but this: "The attempt was not very successful, so Orochi died, but he died with a smile on his face knowing that Ammy kills herself a few minutes later." It could be mildly funny to someone who knows the game, but to me is almost sounds as facts being laid out. Rework a bit, maybe?
  • Yami, the Lord of Darkness: That's so totally random that it is funny.

I like the title "divine footnotes". However, it seems the article is missing a nice little ending on Okami, a kind of résumé if you will. That would add a lot to the article and shouldn't be too hard to come up with.

Concept: 7 I must say, I didn't know what Okami was before reading the article, and now well... I'm not too sure I know either! XD Is it intentionally confusing? I think somewhere along the beginning of the article, you should try to make it a bit clearer. Overall, the concept has promises though, and your idea of showing how crazy the game is and exagerating it is a good one.
Prose and formatting: 5 This is really an aspect where the article could use improvements. I must say that I am no prose or grammar genius myself, so it is likely that there are some typos left after my proofreading session. I also did some small tweaks myself, but some spots are very confusing, taking away from the humor. I'll try to point out those spots here. Also, I always say in my Pee Review that it would be useful to have a synonym dictionary at hand on another app, I always have when I write and it helps me a lot.

First, I don't understand why there are so much italicized words in the article. Did you want to put an emphasis on those? It's kinda confusing.

Here are some passages that could use a bit of a rework, sometimes it just feels like you could split the sentence in two:

"be the first japanese game where is other gods than, well, God.": I tried to tweak that one, but I just didn't know what you meant to say there, I feel a word is missing.

"The elf, Issun, is stealing your painting techniques to become a great enough artist to even be able to draw a good picture of you, that it might even restore the faith that the people have in you, and reminding them who you really are as it turns out.": It reads like running a cerebral marathon. Could be split in 2 easily.

"Blockhead family has completely 4 brothers, all stucked somewhere on your way, by some weird miracle." LOLWUT??? Clarification please!

Images: 7 1. The first image is very nice, it kicks off the article in a good way. The caption is so-so, but maybe talking about that Obama pic would be cool? I don't know, like: "They were high, but even the designers of Okami know who Obama is."

2. I like this one too, the caption is OK.

3. Good one too, the caption is great!

4. I almost didn't see the tiny one there! It took me like 4 reads of the article to see it. It is an awesome idea, but I'm afraid almost everyone will miss it, so maybe enlarging the pic a little bit would be beneficial. It is a very good idea to have that tiny pic, pretty clever and funny.

5. I like the Blockhead one, but the caption is kind of easy and not that funny. You could come up with something that follow the caption in the pic "I am blockhead... and I will send you to hell to rot with <insert something funny>.

Miscellaneous: 5.5 Pretty much how I would rate the article so far, but you can improve it!
Final Score: 30 I hope that helped and you didn't find me to be a whiner too much! Take your time to work on the article and I am quite sure you can come up with a pretty funny piece, you had the right instinct in imaginating the concept in my view. You can do it soldier! Feel free to ask me for help or precisions on my talk page or if you want a can of tuna or something! Since you're a cat and all.
Reviewer: Snowflake mini Mattsnow 14:51, November 8, 2011 (UTC)
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