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Today's Featured Article -

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Yesterday's Featured Article - Canadians

Timhorton10

Canadians are a bunch of super friendly, maple syrup eating, lumberjack, hockey zealots with big brown eyes and flapping heads. They all live in a cold, snowy place called Canada (not to be confused with Russia or Alaska).

Canada is not that different from America, besides the permanent winter and socialist medicine death panel politburo style of government. Canadians are ruled by a Prime Minister, who heads the chief death panel parliament. They have a Queen too who doesn't live there but they love her more than the Brits do. Also, they're friendly. They tend to sport thick Mullets so as not to be cold in hockey season (it's all business in the front party in the back dude... Eh), and t-shirts with "American beer sucks" slogans. Canada has had immigrants from every country in the world, except America, who have been put on Canada's "Do not board" list. All people have survived after giving them cookies, but everyone who has tried to pet them has been found dead, their bodies suffered something only Sarah Palin, could inflict, eh?

The male Canadian's antlers arise as cylindrical beams projecting on each side at right angles to the middle line of the skull, which after a short distance divide in a fork-like manner. The lower prong of this fork may be either simple, or divided into two or three tines, with some flattening. The antlers are useful for the carrying of beer cans in their plastic rings. The antlers are also used as dowsing rods to help the Canadians locate beer trapped beneath the ice that covers the vast majority of their habitat.(more...)

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured Cruel and unusual punishment, featured on 23 April 2015. See the featured version.
HowTo:Leave Uncyclopedia as Dramatically as Possible, featured on 23 April 2013. See the featured version.

Did you know...

689509 military parade 2
  • ...that the entire army of Liechtenstein consists of 3 soldiers? (pictured)
  • ...that a drummer is someone who hangs out with musicians?
  • ...that if the earth were the size of an apple, we would fall off?
  • ...that Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination A, the sister drug to Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination B, is very effective against Stupendous Tropical Meningitis?
  • ...that Kitten Huffing is a popular, though controversial, alternative to street drugs such as skag and crank?
  • ...that air is a fictional substance that was once believed to fill the space above the surface of the Earth? While this "air theory" was once used to explain various phenomena, air theory, at last refuted, has joined the gene, the atom, Antarctica, and the free lunch in a long list of scientific red herrings.
  • ...that condoms prevent many sexually transmitted diseases, and at least one erection?(sorry Candace)

In the news:

On this day...

Worldsnooker
April 23: Bring Your Penis To Work Day
  • 303 - St. George takes his penis to beat the dragon with. Dragon turns out to be into that kinda stuff.
  • 1179 - Richard the Lionhearted attempts to engage King Philip of France in a penis sword fight; "Homo you don't!" replies Philip.
  • 1538 - Truce of Nice: Emperor Charles V and Francis I of France agree that the terms foreskin and prepuce are interchangeable.
  • 1562 - Elizabeth I vows not to take a penis to work, or her bed chamber.
  • 1875 - Queen Victoria outlaws the word penis; decrees henceforth the organ shall be known as "Naughty Mr. Johnson".
  • 1905 - The Royal Society compare penis sizes. Von Lynchenstein had the largest penis.
  • 1909 - Czarina Alexandra beholds Rasputin's penis and won't let go.
  • 1932 - California gets filled with the world's stockpile of penises.
  • 1941 - Lead singer from Lordi enters a beauty contest against a penis. Penis wins.
  • 1953 - Queen Elizabeth II announces that she shall confer upon the penis the title of Sir.
  • 1967 - Bono is voted the "World's Biggest Penis".
  • 1968 - Flower Power is replaced by Wind Power, and all the petals are blown away.
  • 1971 - Penis arrives in the Castro.
  • 1975 - President Gerald Ford announces that the Vietnam War is over, after an unfortunate misunderstanding over the soldiers running around with their penises in their hands.
  • 1982 - ZX Spectrum released to the public, keyboard made completely of recycled condoms.
  • 1993 - Bill Clinton becomes the first USA president since JFK to bring his penis to the white house.
  • 2005 - The B-lizard's penis freezes and falls off. Adventure Quest voted the best game ever made by stoners.
  • 2008 - Your mom forgets to pack your penis in your lunchbox. You get teased the rest of the day.
  • 2009 - Tiger Woods brings his penis all over the place, including a Perkins Restaurant.

Today's featured picture

Kendoddstrangefruit(pale)

Official album sleeve of Ken Dodd's classic Strange Fruit LP from 1939 has been digitally coloured for the pleasure of one's optical jellies.

Image Credit: Sir Mac Boswell
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