Uncyclopedia:Imperial Colonization/Discordianism

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Writing begins below, and will continue through Saturday, 10 April 2010. Note that, as per the request of colonizers, the base writing period is longer than it was for the previous two colonizations. If necessary, the writing period may have a short extension. Then the article will be Pee Reviewed, post-review edits will be made, and it will be moved copied to main space to the glory of Her Majesty.

By order of Her Majesty's representative, WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 05:35, March 25, 2010 (UTC)



Discordianism

Hi, I'm Minnie Rae.[1]. You may know me better as Peter Pan's friend Wendy who pretended to be his mother and wife. My friend Jimmy wrote about him and me in Peter Pan and Wendy, only he changed our names.[2] And don't believe the Disney version cuz they always clean up the lives of us Discordian American Princesses.

Anyway, I'm here to tell you about Discordianism. When I was a preteen girl I worked as a tantric engineer in San Francisco. That's where I met Emperor Norton, President of the United States and Protector of Mexico. Mark Twain called him the King, but really he's a Discordian Saint who called me The Little Countess. Cool, huh?

Oh, and by the way, while I'm teaching you about Discordianism? I'll also be saving the world.

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I'm on a mission from Goddess

One day in 1872 after I moved to England, I was with a client when everything suddenly went like topsy turvy. It was like Alice in Wonderland, you know? She's also a DAP,[3] even though she's English. Come to think of it, that should make her a DEP. Anyway, everything started flying around like DAP Dorothy's tornado and looked backwards.Then I got hit in the head by a golden apple. That hurt!

Well I knew what that meant. Discordia. She's also called Eris, and she's the Discordian Goddess. She's like the one who threw the golden apple marked "To the prettiest one." at this wedding party cuz she wasn't invited? There were these Goddesses there who started fighting over which one of them it was for. And that led to the Trojan War, which was the first of all wars. You don't mess with Eris.

Anyway, she said, "MARY SIMPSON." (that's my other name). You know how Goddesses always talk in ALL CAPS. I said, "What do you want? I'm busy." Discordia doesn't like it if you bow and scrape before her and stuff. I really wanted to go right away and sell the apple; you know how much that would be worth? But when I tried to grab it, it disappeared just like Alice's Cheshire Cat.

Discordia said, "I GOT A CALL FROM MALACLYPSE THE YOUNGER." If you don't know, he started Discordianism with Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst, who later got investigated for killing John F. Kennedy. So I said, "So?" And She told me what Mal said:

"I am filled with fear and tormented with terrible visions of pain. Everywhere people are hurting one another, the planet is rampant with injustices, whole societies plunder groups of their own people, mothers imprison sons, children perish while brothers war. O, woe."
Discordia said, "WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH THAT, IF IT IS WHAT YOU WANT TO DO?"
"But nobody wants it! Everybody hates it."
"OH. WELL, THEN STOP."[4]

So then Discordia told me, "I WANT YOU TO GO AND LET PEOPLE KNOW TO STOP IT. IF THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT."

I said, "But why me? Yeah, I get around, but I'm just a young girl and I'm on the bottom of the social ladder. Nobody will listen to me."

"EMPEROR NORTON CALLED YOU 'THE LITTLE COUNTESS,' AND I DECLARE YOU A 'DISCORDIAN AMERICAN PRINCESS'. GO FORTH AND SAVE THE WORLD AND STUFF."

I didn't seem to have much of a choice, so I said, "Ok; whatever."

I was leaving when Eris suddenly said, "OH, AND BY THE WAY, IF YOU DON'T SUCCEED, ON FRIDAY, DECEMBER 21, 2012, THE WORLD WILL END."

I was like, "that's 150 years away. Why should I worry?"

"BECAUSE I JUST MOVED YOU FORWARD IN TIME TO 21:24, April 4, 2010 (UTC)."

"What?" I said in total shock.

"I ALWAYS THOUGHT THE WORLD SHOULD END ON A FRIDAY. EVERYBODY LOOKING FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND, HA! THEN ZAP. AND THE FIRST DAY OF WINTER SEEMS LIKE THE PERFECT DAY."

"But it's the beginning of summer in the southern hemisphere!" I said.

"WHATEVER," said Eris.

The Curse of Greyface

“The human race will begin solving its problems on the day that it ceases taking itself so seriously.”
~ Malaclapse the Younger on humanity

Now before I could save the world, I had to do some research. How could I save it if I didn't know what was wrong with it? So I read the Bible of Discordianism, Principia Discordia, to get some answers.

The problems in the world were caused by an ancient and powerful Curse, invoked by some guy called Greyface in 1166 BC. It seems that he brainwashed a lot of people by constantly repeating the sentence "Look at all the order around you" while ignoring all the disorder. You know, like looking at stars and forcing them to be connect-the-dot goats and virgins and crabs. Greyface had OCD, and was a real party pooper.

Well, the dude had such a powerful personality and was so damned gruff that soon other people took up his cause of putting everything in its place and doing it "my way" instead of "your way". Soon the world had greed and wars and slavery and all the rest, just to put "my way" order into someone else's life. The curse was Seriousness, and it had to be stopped and fast.

Orthodox Discordians

Surreal Rutabega Discordians

The first group didn't help me, so I thought I'd try the Surreal or Rutabega Discordians. I saw them at Wal-Mart. A third of them were putting up silly posters, a third were taking down the silly posters, and the rest were throwing apple and rutabega pies at passerbys.

One of them who was dressed as a clown in a bright yellow and orange jumper with a pair of extremely large black rim glasses that really were small fish bowls in a frame, each bowl holding a goldfish. He also wore a mustache that was at least a foot across. He was putting up a poster another Discordian had just taken down.

"Excuse me," I said. "I'm Minnie Rae, I'm a Discordian American Princess and I'm on a mission from Goddess."

"Have an apple pie!" he said, and threw one at me. Fortunately by now I was used to dodging things thrown by Discordians, and caught it. He scratched his head with a green plastic hand and said, "Say, no one's ever done that before." He went back to putting up a poster upside down.

"The world's going to end in 2012, and I'm trying to save it," I said.

"Save it for what?" he said and laughed like that was really funny. A bunch of the other Discordians laughed too.

"Don't be so serious," he said. "You're like a greyface. Don't worry; be happy!" Then he grabbed a pogo stick and starting bouncing around.

"I've had enough of you clowns," I said. I threw the pie at him and hit him right in the face. His mustache fell off, and suddenly he looked like a very sad man.

"Say, no one's ever done that before," he said, and starting crying crocodile tears.

"This is too silly," I said, and left.

Hate Rant Discordians

Conspiracy Fanboy Discordians

(see discussion on talk page)

Hippie Discordians

I was about to give up, you know? Like how was I supposed to save the world with no help? But I had one Discordian group left to try; the Hippie Discordians. The future of the world totally depended on them.

I found them in a hot tub in a house in a skinny birch tree that didn't look nearly strong enough to hold everything up. But on a branch hung a sign that said, "All Laws are Invalid Here Including The Laws of Physics."

"Take off your clothes and come on in!" said a young blonde girl who was wearing nothing but flowers in her hair.

But a man wearing a Leonardo da Vinci mask and nothing else said, "e can come in es dress, come in es pants, come in naked. Just come in. I'm Reverend Loveshat."

"What do you mean 'e' and 'es'?" I asked.

"Genderless neologisms for 'he/she' or 'his/her/hers'," said a naked woman. "We're non-sexist, non-ageist and non-speciest here. I'm St. Mae Aye, and yes you may. We know who you are; I named myself after you, 'M' from 'Minnie' and 'ae' from 'Rae.'"

But then I noticed someone else. "Oh my Goddess! The girl over there in the sheet--that's Miley Ray Cyrus!"

"That's Princess Smiley Day Eris," said the mask named Loveshat. "E named emself after you, too. E's also a DAP."

"Peace," said the Princess, flashing the peace sign.

So being a DAP I took off all my clothes and jumped in the hot tub. It was crowded, for there were about a dozen people, a horse with six breasts, a walrus named John or Paul or maybe John Paul, and a smiling cat named Cheshire. They gave me something to drink and I drank, something to smoke and I smoked, and something to stick wherever I wanted to stick it and I stuck it. I was chillin' in the hot tub, listening to the music coming out of the walrus' mustache, and not feelin' worried about anything. But then I suddenly remembered my mission.

"I'm on a mission from Goddess," I said.

"We all are," said the six-breasted horse.

"I'm trying to save the world," I said.

"We all are," said the walrus, then went back to playing music out of his mustache.

"But you're all just sitting and smoking and drinking and sitting in a hot tub!" I said.

"Don't worry," said Rev. Loveshat. "The sex comes later."

"But how's that going to save the world?" I asked.

"If the world can't save itself, it's not worth saving," said the cat named Cheshire, with a big smile.

Then suddenly it all made sense. What was life but eating and drinking and chillin' and having sex with your friends? If you couldn't do what you wanted, as long as you didn't hurt anybody, then what was the point?

Conclusion

I had a fantabulous time not worrying about anything, and I stayed in that law-breaking hippie hot tub for I don't remember how long. I know I saw some leaves fall and then fly up and fall again, but not in the tub, and later on it snowed on the ground but not in the tree. When December 21, 2012 came around, the world didn't end. But we sang, "It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine." Then we had a great orgy.[5]

And that's how, using Discordianism, I saved the world.

Footnotes

  1. Minnie Rae's Biography. It has lots of sex but not much violence, so sue me.
  2. Jimmy, or J. M. Barrie, and I were both born in 1860, but I've been reincarnated like a thousand times; the first time I was the Whore of Babylon in the Bible. Gosh was that fun!
  3. Discordian American Princess.
  4. 'Principia Discordia or How I Found Goddess And What I Did To Her When I Found Her, Fourth edition (1970), page 38
  5. I guess the orgy and the law-breaking explains my picture, you know, how I got pregnant when I was only 11 years old? Or maybe I was 10. A lot of us DAPs are no good at math. Except for multiplication.

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