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To write an article about a giant fictional turtle that flies through space, do not do the following:

  • Use crappy, primary-school words like "big". Use bigger words, like "gigantic" or "titanic".
  • Don't immediately launch into capital letters to emphasise the grandiose scale of the turtle when you find your limited vocabulary fails to convey the enormity of the prospect. Certainly don't further emphasise your lack of education by resorting to blue language and if you do, don't then show that you're a pussy by censoring it. Jesus.
  • When describing other things that are bigger than the first thing, use bigger language. If your vocabulary doesn't allow for bigger, don't emphasise the fact that you don't know any more words by repeating the same word over and over.
  • Use the author's own description where possible. I'm sure he won't mind; he's a cool guy and he wears a nice hat. Also, this allows you to use words whose meanings you don't know, because Terry used them and he does.
  • Don't try to summarise a joke from the works of fiction in which it appears, because you don't have the prowess to pull it off. Remember, you have limited vocabulary.
  • Use capital letters where required by English grammar, not where required by your ability to press the shift key on time.
  • Don't end the passage talking about McDonald's, because now we all know where you work. Especially don't talk about it when it doesn't even exist on the world you're talking about. That's just stupid.
  • Don't be fourteen. Or eleven either, for that matter.
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