From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Drama is a dangerous phenomenon that occurs when the foundations of Uncyclopedia have been shaken to their core by an unanticipated event. The effects of this can vary from a simple quarrel to outright panic among Uncyclopedia's talk pages and forums. It is a universally held belief that Drama is best to be avoided, and great lengths should be taken to ensure that it is quelled before it snowballs and creates mass hysteria. The repercussions of this have yet to be seen in full force, and speculation about the full blown effects of Drama is strictly forbidden on Uncyclopedia, as any discussion may cause a Drama in itself.
There are no proper records of Drama's emergence, and even the most elderly of Administrators cannot remember the first reported case of this social phenomenon. The lack of any proper system to log and classify Drama further hinders the possibility of structured research and investigation. However, many users point to this person as being somewhat responsible for the site's uproars and arguments. Not that we're looking to blame anyone...
Identification and Attributes
Due to Drama having its roots in Debate, it is often difficult to ascertain whether an exchange is merely discourse of constructive criticism, or complete anarchy. However, several Dramatic Economists have analysed numerous points that may help an Administrator or parental member to establish the status of any dispute or conflict.
Note: This list is non-exhaustive, despite any Administrators who feel otherwise.
High Member Turnover
Although not a general rule, Drama can be more easily verified by the amount of Wiki members who post their opinions on a the particular topic. While democracy is encouraged on Uncyclopedia, and would ensure that the VFH system actually has a new featured article everyday, it is generally held that the more people who contribute their opinion, the higher the Drama potential.
This will often accompany high member turnover. When an article on VFH or VFD is of a quality that induces Drama, the comments section will be at least 4x as long as the For and Against sections combined. There will be so many indents that the text will resemble a form of binary code, while horizontal lines, which are recommended to be used sparingly, will be utilised after every 5th bullet point, marking an apparent change of opinion (which in actuality is the same opinion masquerading as a new point, with the only difference being a change in the amount of indignancy). If the polarised opinions don't immediately give an Administrator a massive migraine, then trying to keep track of the eye-straining formatting will.
Breach of Impartiality
When voting or giving an opinion on something, it is preferred that a user keep any bias or prejudice they may have to themselves, and try to maintain a neutral tone. Therefore, Drama is easily distinguishable by users who act in an emotionally unstable manner, wrathfully defending their opinions and personally attacking anyone who feels otherwise.
The Freedom of Speech Debate
Perhaps one of the more recognisable aspects, for any discussion to be truly classified as a Drama, all participating users must at some point, collectively regurgitate the entire Freedom of Speech debate. Uncyclopedians will typically fall into either of three categories:
UnConservatives who adamantly believe in their right to offend whoever they please while also being totally unaccountable for their actions;
Finally, there are UnAbstainers, who choose to sit on the fence about the topic at hand, citing reasons along the lines as "I think this article is ethically wrong, yet I also think we also shouldn't forego humour just because its at the expense of a particular group." UnAbstainers are often hated more than anyone else in the debate, and their opinions are generally held to be unworthwhile.
Need I say more?
Predictors of a Drama
There are very few ways of anticipating Drama before it strikes, and more often than not, it is only truly noticed when it has reached its peak. However, some users have picked up on patterns and trends that can diagnose Drama in its early stages of development, allowing action to be taken before it reaches catastrophic levels.
Users With Potentially Abrasive Personalities
Users with PAP are often perceived this way for having beliefs, ideas, and actions that go against the norm in Uncyclopedia. Racists, Sexists, Complainists, and Deluded Unfunnyists are regularly the culprits of spreading mass Drama across talk pages and the IRC. However, Drama is not limited to people with PAP, as even the most grounded of Users have been noted to occasionally slip up and enrage 80% of the online community. Fortunately, UnLegal operates a fair system, in which these users receive even more punishment than PAPs, and are automatically banned for 90 days, just to prove that Administrators do not act on bias.
Articles of Questionable Material
Like PAPs, these articles contain views and ideas that could be considered controversial to a significant amount of users. Even if they are well written and incredibly humourous, these articles are HIGHLY DANGEROUS and can easily cause Drama that would destroy the entire website. You should put this on VFD immediately. Wait a second, isn't that how the Drama starts in the first place? On second thoughts, it'll probably be best to sneak it on QVFD instead...
Responses to Drama
There are many ways someone can react to Drama, with new ones being discovered on a regular basis. The only completely solid statement concerning this, is that there are no boundaries, no extremes, and no sane limits to how a person may respond to Drama.
Threat of Retirement
A popular (and possibly terrorist) way of coming to terms with an article's affrontment to your life is to threaten to leave if it is not promptly deleted and apologized for.
Warning: Should NOT be attempted if no other users like you...
Acceptance, followed by Bitching for the next 6 months...
Adopting the McCain supporter method, while beneficial at first, prolongs Drama for an extended period of time, and can cause it to re-emerge when it should just have been settled months ago. Users who fall into this category should consult their doctor, and request a prescription for a spine and a pair of testicles.
Bitching, followed by Bitching for the next 6 months...
You can also expect a Ban for 6 months...
Downplaying with Distraction and Humour
When threatened, you may take the Richard Nixon route and avoid any and all accusations, as well as logical conversation. Sidetrack the person who accuses you of Drama by embarking on endless digressions, evading points, falling back on lengthy anecdotes, and repeating the opposite of what you said. Eventually, their mental defences will crumble, and you will be able to walk away without anyone being sure what the hell just happened.
Growing a Sense of Humour
Rarely, if ever, used...
Ultimate Response to Drama
While the above responses may occasionally end a Drama session, the usual method of finishing a dispute will take the form of an Admin Smackdown.
After the discussion has received input reaching approximately 40+ user, and no less than 12 personal insults have been dished out, an Administrator will intervene to solve the problem. After a long and lengthy speech about how irritated they are that they have to sort out our squabbles like children, they will end the discussion in favour of the UnLiberals or the UnConservatives, depending on who has the best argument, or which persuasion the administrator is. Whatever...
If the Drama is perceived to be one or a few particular members' fault, then they can expect to receive harsh, condescending messages laced with sarcasm, followed by a ban.
Aftermath of Drama
Community relations will be tense for the first few days after a Drama, and grudges may be held between several users. Fortunately, Uncyclopedia is an online website where you will never physically encounter each other like you would in real life. Nevertheless, things appear to have a way of resolving themselves in the Uncyclopedic cyberspace, and no user is a complete bastard (at least no user that isn't currently on an indefinite ban).
The Administrator who was unlucky enough to sort out the Drama will usually be unavailable for the rest of the week, having blown a fuse and come close to banning everyone in sight. If a user desperatly needs help in sorting out their formatting, they either need to consult a different Admin, or attempt to track down the original administrator. They can be found somewhere in the outside world, taking a well deserved break and enjoying real life.
Uncyclopedian Opinions on Drama
“Drama is for impotent little assholes, like all the admins of this site. Also, after I survived multiple dramathons, it's now my little bitch. Suck it drama.”
“Drama? What drama? This entire article is a hairy load of bollocks. There is no drama on Uncyclopedia - and if there was it would be terrible. Well, except for the time that that one article was put up for VFH, but that was because it was an in-joke. And when they deleted that other article, which wasn't an in-joke, it was self-referential humour. And that stuff about that picture that was supposedly racist, but that was taken down by the bloody jewish authorities. Oh, and that thing on that talk page. Yeah, there's drama here all the time, but it's good for the site to have a healthy exchange of views, no matter what the moron ahead of me said.”
“Hey, fuck you.”
“Luckily I'm not going to stoop to your level. Asshole!”
“I know that I'm only a Noob here, but I personally believe that...(rest of comment ignored)”
“You kids these days have it so easy. Back in my day, drama MEANT something! Whenever there was drama, the opposing sides would line up across a field, everyone armed with spoons, and we would all run at each other until one side or the other was completely eyeless. Whoever could see was the winner, and that's how we LIKED it! You hippies have NO IDEA what REAL drama is like, struggling to see past your long hair so you can read some misspelled rant written by a twelve-year-old a thousand miles away. Go back to France until you're ready to do drama like REAL men!”
“Every single fucking time. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME. I got a couple of days with a modicum of peace and quiet and some idiot that believes that it's his GOD GIVEN RIGHT to rouse the herd comes over and writes a little piece of shitty speach such as this article. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME. Now, ya`ll better make this article happy shiny people with little rainbows and carebears by the time I get back here, otherwise I will ban your ass and then use some more sarcasm on your talk page with you not being able to respond. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME. SHEESH. GROW UP. ”
“HEY! Why did everyone ignore me? My Opinion is just as valuable as anyone elses. All these older users are a bunch of Fascist Assholes! And Mordillo, my article is the shiz!”
“If not for drama, Uncyclopedia wouldn't be the worst. So screw you, Matfen815! HATE HAET HAT or something like that.”
“The Greeks invented it so we can all blame Aeschylus..and Clemens177.”
“D is For Double redirects. R is for Redirects. A is for Article. M is for Matfen815. A is for All of the above. What does that spell? DRAMA!”
“Yep, I've had my fair share of drama here. I've been called 'gay' so many times I think I'm getting a psychological complex... PENIS!! Excuse me.”
“'You are wrong, I am right.' The anatomy of Uncyclopedia Drama, observe its subtle intricacies”
“Drama is like sex; flushed skin, sweating and cursing, and when it's over you go downstairs and make a sandwich.”
“All Muslims are cock sucking terrorists. When they're not sucking cock or fucking children, they're blowing up buildings full of innocent people in the name of their ass backwards religion. I swear, they're all so fucking stupid it's a miracle they don't forget to breathe. I've also never met a Muslim that didn't smell like three week old shit. This world would be so much better off if we rounded them all up and sunk them to the bottom of the ocean. It's okay for me to say this because I didn't show a drawing of a penis.”
“Before I make a quote about drama on Uncyclopedia, I want to know: can I get blocked for that? I wouldn't know as I'm just a noob here, even though I've had 10 years experience editing wikis and thus know more about how wikis should be run than any of you.”
You are all wrong, and I'm right
“And I even have a new header to prove it. PuppyOnTheRadio”
“Look at that, little mofo can't even make a quote right little bitch lolz.”
“I HATE EVERYTHING ESPECIALLY YOU, <insert name here>!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
No, fuck you very much
“Here we shall have no talk of fanged bananas, tofu, or meat products.”