Uncyclopedia:Departure of Fun/Unstory(sentence)
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This is Uncyclopedia's own example of a one-sentence-at-a-time generated story. The end result will be a novel which batters Wikipedia's version into a pulp. It will be made in 3 sections, each about a different character's version of events. The characters are Trixie, Sam, The Zork Controller, and the Master of Muppets.
- Please edit the Unstory by just adding a single sentence at a time, however after 2 years of no modification you may add a consecutive sentence if desired.
- Punctuation is added as part of your sentence.
- Do not delete or change preceding portions, unless you want to be banned, foo'.
- Do not add more than one sentence in a row or else
- Add tags as needed.
- Please write your edit summary as: (→Unstory (Sentence) (started 13th April 2006) - sentence added), where sentence_added is the actual sentence that you added. That is if you can be bothered.
Thank you, please feel free to come back and add another sentence at a later time.
Note: for the one-word-at-a-time Unstory, see here.
edit Unstory (started 16 June 2007)
edit Trixie's Story
Mama always used to say,"Mama don't take no stuff," that is what mama said. Elijah Johnson is the only nigga I know who can't lie! Trixie the Dancing Pony woke up with the sun shining in her eyes, so she brayed and woke up Sam, who she went home with the night before as a woman, but was transformed on the way back to 89th street from 46th. Then, suddenly, an enormous piano fell on Trixie, crushing her as flat as a ponycake. Yet still she lived. Which made it so much more tragic when the bed exploded due to faulty springs, blowing Trixie sky high. Just to keep this story going, and to the annoyance Hardwick Fundlebuggy, Trixie spontaneously turned immortal so nothing could kill her. Except, of course, a small lump of anti-immortality from the planet Krrrraaarg, which co-incidentally, happened to be heading straight for Trixie right at that very moment, and then, before anyone could stop it, it just missed her by a whisker, arf arf. The massive planet Krrrraaarg continued past Trixie and collided with the planet Earth, destroying it, for the most part. Everything, actually, except Trixie. Fortunately for Sam (above), Sam had already died, but that is beside the point, although Trixie was glad because she hated Sam, so she turned back into a person again, yet still immortal, with all the anti-immortality in the universe destroyed by the Krrrraaarg-Earth incident.
"Whatchu talkin bout big mama? My mama aint raise no dummies. I dug her rap.
"Cut me some slack,jack!Now what do I do?", thought Trixie, as she looked around at absolutely nothing. A booming voice came down from what was apparently heaven. "Nothing.", it said, "But there will be a magic show at 03:00". "Damn," thought Trixie. Then, without warning, she woke up, and there she was, back in her old room, surrounded by half empty baked bean tins and vodka bottles. It was just a dream. Fearing for her life, Trixie wondered if she was still immortal, and decided to find out. After jumping off a cliff into some electrified barbed wire, she was relieved to know that she was still an immortal person. However, after 500 hundred years of being skewed on a pointy fence which electrocuted her perpetually, not being able to move because of her shattered limbs and spine, Trixie began to think that maybe, immortality isn’t all that great. Then she was hit by a bus, driven over a cliff, pounded into the earth at 900 miles per hour, attacked by a small group of woodland creatures, blown up, diced, steamed and basted in a nice custard sauce. "Ouch!" exclaimed Trixie. She was, as all of our characters are, eaten by a grue.
4 million years later, the Autobots and Decepticons are reactivated. Turning trixie back into a pony, whereupon she used her breakdancing skillz to escape the grue. Trixie ate 100 strepsils and got HIV unfortunately. Aids wasnt going to stop her though; from her room in the hospital she watched and waited for her day to come again... hopefully before she died. A week later Megatron arrived, he then offered her a golden,tranforming,radish scented, robot, pony, AIDS free body... but only if she would serve the Decepticons. she said "oh, fuck off", and betrayed them, destroying the transformers, which are for sados, and buggered off as a pony... i have a penis. Trixie's newest revelationary transformation hit her hard, as she looked angrily at her groin.
So she looked at her groin and was so angry a fat penis grew out. Being Trixie, she grabbed a knife and sliced off her penis and sprouting blood everywhere, leaving only a lifeless, fat, cold penis in her hand. But with some masturbration, it was as good as ever, and Trixie could fuck mares with the passion and fire of a pedophile.
- However, just as mommy once said, "If it seems like a pedophile it probably is" which, unsurprisingly, ended up being the case with Trixie; her next 300 years were spent raping fetuses she cut out of pregnant mothers and feeding the remains to the harem of Aryan children that she raised, so that the children would grow up to preform the same rituals and pass the tradition onto their own apprentices (this was Trixie's conception of the superior society).
edit The Zork Controller
Meanwhile, high in orbit, the Zork Controller calmly observed these events with his cold, calculating eyes. Somewhere, he sensed, there was a zork, and it was out of control - which really bugged him.
"Main screen turn on," the Zork Controller wispered into his tiny microphone. He watched into the screen as he saw a person he recognised, and exclaimed "It's You!"
"How are you gentlemen," the figure in the screen cooly remarked, greatly confusing the Zork Controller, since he was the only one in the room. "All your base are belong to us and even thought i can not talk properly i will kick ur butt to the end of never never land!!"
Filipe from the other Unstory wondered what was happening.
"You are on the way to destruction," a voice boomed in his head. He then pulled a piece of paper from his pocket that read:
"In the event that the Purchaser defaults in the payment of any instalment of purchase price, taxes, insurance, interest, or the annual charge described elsewhere herein, or shall default in the performance of any other obligations set forth in this Contract, the Seller may: at his option: (a) Declare immediately due and payable the entire unpaid balance of purchase price, with accrued interest, taxes, and annual charge, and demand full payment thereof, and enforce conveyance of the land by termination of the contract or according to the terms hereof, in which case the Purchaser shall also be liable to the Seller for reasonable attorney's fees for services rendered by any attorney on behalf of the Seller, or (b) sell said land and premises or any part thereof at public auction, in such manner, at such time and place, upon such terms and conditions, and upon such public notice as the Seller may deem best for the interest of all concerned, consisting of advertisement in a newspaper of general circulation in the county or city in which the security property is located at least once a week for Three (3) successive weeks or for such period as applicable law may require and, in case of default of any purchaser, to re-sell with such postponement of sale or resale and upon such public notice thereof as the Seller may determine, and upon compliance by the Purchaser with the terms of sale, and upon judicial approval as may be required by law, convey said land and premises in fee simple to and at the cost of the Purchaser, who shall not be liable to see to the application of the purchase money; and from the proceeds of the sale: First to pay all proper costs and charges, including but not limited to court costs, advertising expenses, auctioneer's allowance, the expenses, if any required to correct any irregularity in the title, premium for Seller's bond, auditor's fee, attorney's fee, and all other expenses of sale occurred in and about the protection and execution of this contract, and all moneys advanced for taxes, assessments, insurance, and with interest thereon as provided herein, and all taxes due upon said land and premises at time of sale, and to retain as compensation a commission of five percent (5%) on the amount of said sale or sales; SECOND, to pay the whole amount then remaining unpaid of the principal of said contract, and interest thereon to date of payment, whether the same shall be due or not, it being understood and agreed that upon such sale before maturity of the contract the balance thereof shall be immediately due and payable; THIRD, to pay liens of record against the security property according to their priority of lien and to the extent that funds remaining in the hands of the Seller are available; and LAST, to pay the remainder of said proceeds, if any, to the vendor, his heirs, personals representatives, successors or assigns upon the delivery and surrender to the vendee of possession of the land and premises, less costs and excess of obtaining possession."
Fortunately for the Zork Controller, if he read this he'd of got SEHS, but he didn't, so he didn't. He just got crabs. Nobody knew how, considering that the ZC had never been near anything or anyone in his life. Yet sometimes as he lay awake at three in the morning, he was gripped by the fear that it might just have been due to an out of control Zork. Then, as he was thinking BHAM! A huge mango came hurtling from out of nowhere and struck the Zork controller on the side of the head! "Ow," he said, "that's one voluptorous fruit! It's almost ... how can I put it ... zoopy." Suddenly, because the Zork Controller had finally said the word, it entered the Oxford English Undictionary. All of the Martians that were visiting held a very large party to celebrate such an exciting event, and they had food such as melons and nolems. However, Oscar Wilde was then murdered, and Chronarion decided to take it out. So, he went looking for a random Emo-Kid to do the dirty job for him. However, every emo kid he met slit their wrists, so he gave up and ate a zoopy, voluptorous mango with the Zork Controller. And thus it was decided that the realm of mangoes can exist no longer.
Now, of course, as all of our charactors are, the Zork Controller was to be eaten by a grue.
Let's review our plot so far:
We have an industry that is afraid of technology, its senior spokespeople lie to congress, they use Enron-like accounting, they somehow --WHOOPS -- forget to pay their artists, they are convicted price fixers, at the first sign of any kind of an economic rebound their instinct is to raise prices, they have ignored competitive pressures from other forms of entertainment such as DVDs, they ignore the devastatingly negative effects of radio ownership consolidation to their business model, they engage in all kinds of anti-competitive protectionism, they are unconcerned with the quality of their product, their customers are harried for time and distracted by other interests, their customers see nothing wrong with downloading music for free, some of their biggest stars are hoping the Internet will replace the labels, despite all too many signs that their product is over priced, they refuse to allow market forces to set competitive prices, they have consistently been one of the most mismanaged businesses in history, oh, and they somehow think they are immune from the business cycle; they are wrong, because cesspools have been doing that for centuries without end. AND they eat purple llamas. What jackasses. Seriously, once they made Kimberly Leigh cry. You shouldn't do that, it offends people who are offended by things that make Kimberly Leigh cry.
Continuing with our story, the Zork Controller gasped as an entity entered the room which without a doubt would end his life and tie up all plot points in 20 minutes. It immediately liquified the zork controllers controlers leaving him without much to do, thus ending his part in the story.
At the same moment, but thousands of lightyears away, Jack's finger hovered over the button that would end humanity forever. "This is maddness", Jack thought to himself as he flicked a piece of debris off the Destroy Unstory button.
"Someone has to stop this... But who?" Chuck norris ofc becus he was playing world of warcraft at the time but the cheese kept repeating on him.
Of course, everyone ignored him. Then Jack though to himself, "wait a cotton pickin' minute, what about the secret orange button?"
Then BatFink appered and said "MEY WEENGZ ARE LIEK A SHEID UV SEETL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111111111110284050467058080chair!" Once again, Nobody cared. At the same time, but millions of lightyears away in space, the Zork war fleet materialized over the peace-loving planet of Gadzook. The Gadzookians had just finished one of their week-long drum circle orgies and were in no condition to run away from the Zork war fleet, so they simply lay there like dead fish and took a pounding. This marked the beginning of the cold war. It was so named because space is cold a lot. Seemingly, a conglomerate of battlestars erupted from the suns of one million solar systems all set to destroy the earth to preserve the balance of pain and death in the universe. But they too, were tired from the relentless pounding they took from their respective Sun-Gods, so they merely set their phasers to "Stun" instead of "Kill". This allowed the Zorks to beat the Sun-Gods and continued to have sex with a
Nun chocolate donut. The chocalate doughnut was not pleased with this. Suddenly, David Bowie appeared out of nowhere and proceeded to sexify the chocolate donut nun, which was very hot, and caused all the Zorks watching to explode in their pants. In fact, so sexy was this sudden and unexpected thickening of the plot that many of the Zorks (who had just creamed their pants) realized that this masterful tapestry of a plot they found themselves intricately woven into reminded them very strongly of a penis enlargement ad they had seen recently. After remembering this ad, the Zorks decided it was time to go home- to Toshi station- and maybe mess around with their friends to pick up a few power converters. And brutally rape them in a very strange way.
edit Sam's Story
Once upon a time there was a guy named Sam and he was a guy just like You. And by that, I mean he was a half-Mongolian half-Finnish born-again Jewish Log Cabin Republican homophobic gay guy who stripped in a random gay club for cash every weekend, just like you are right now.It was his gay stip club antics that got him into trouble as Luigi Gasperonni, son of notorious mafia don Paulo Gasperonni, found he had an uncrontrollable attraction to Sam. One day, Luigi went into Sam's changing room, pinned him on a sofa and anally fucked him until his arsehole bled. Because of this the mafia don sent out a team of the best hitmen on the planet to kill Sam so he had to go on the run but the hitmen caught up with him when he stopped running to have more anal sex with Luigi. Luigi then killed the Hitmen and the whole of the mafia and then got back to having gay sex with Sam. Your mum filmed the whole thing. She then gave to the Zork Controller in exchange for him licking her tits. Sam found out the next day that he had an STD but the docter said he would only tell him which one if Sam sucked his penis. Unfortunately, iy was a female docter, but Sam did his best. Mighty pleased,the good Doctor gave Sam his Medical Report which revealed that he had AIDS(Ass Injured During Sex). Sam asked the docter to treat him but she said she would only help him if he found a hot lesbian for her to have sex with. But suddenly a massive NUKE!!! was dropped on Sam, killing everyone except, oddly, Sam, who managed to escape via a convenient one-second wormhole. He found himself surrounded by evil bear-human hybrids in the frigid north known only as Doomcocks, A Saga of Wizardry, which is the worst name for anything. Despite their poor body odour and misleading name, the bears couldn't have been nicer and in fact invited Sam for a tea party in celebration of his visit to Doomcocks. The native Doomcocksians came out of their hidey-holes and feasted on tea and sweet bread with the bears and Sam for the next several hours. Unfortunatley for Sam, the bears were homophobic and sentanced him to death by too much straight sex in bear court. Do you remember that 1 second wormhole? Well it came back-BIG Time. The wormhole transported Sam to a room with a computer that was logged onto uncyclopedia and he realised he could decide his own fate by typing sentances into the Unstory (sentance version). Alas, one of the bears was also brought through the wormhole and cut his hands off before he could edit anything, thus ensuring that his fate remained strictly beyond his control. The bears had a fun time editing the page, though, which is nice because honey is the most delicious substance ever and if anyone disagrees, I will eat you! Unfortunately for the bear, he forgot his dentures back in his den, so he had to go get them, which took valuable editing time away from the users in question. Sam picked up his hands (Don't ask me!) and began typing AND THEN THE BEARS LEF- Too late! the bear had returned, hurriedly he continued to type. Unfortunately, the bears didn't like Sam's typing, so the bears kicked Sam to New York. There, he died from his AIDS, but later was resurrected by Jesus. Jesus then asked him to do some chores for him in repayment for his resurrection. The term "chores" mostly refered to fucking around New York and banishing earthbound deamons that the J-man didn't care to banish himself (read: He did care to, but couldn't. There was Satan behind those fuckin' deamons y'know? Uh-duuuh). So Sam did the horrible chores for Jesus, and kept his life, but God was furious at Jesus for making another human do work for him, and after a huge fight, God said he would let Jesus live if he could give him an (A) really good excuse and (B) a $10,000,000 bribe and a stolen Mercedes Benz. And then, something really interesting happenned, that you aren't allowed to know. We're sorry. Fine, I'll tell you what it was... or will I? Fuck no, I don't even like You! So sam was running through the forest naked clutching many barbies he had collected over the years, wearing kilts and flippers. sam loved them dearly but when he saw a giant mouse trying to eat his nose he was so scared he dropped them into the well of doom, then jumped down the well himself. Unfortunately the well wasn't the well, but painting of a well on a rock, so he (but not his barbies. They fell into the "well"), diving headfirst, hit his head on the rock. Sam's nostrils flared and he began to vomit talcum powder while a lump rose on his forehead; this grew in a semi circle shape, and poked out his right eye.
edit harold's story
one day, harold decided to watch tv, but it was boring, so he waked outside the house, and got deoured by a creature.
But in fact, this was surely NOT the end, as harold came back to life, his arms and legs covered in pimples and ingrown hairs, and his skin was a shade of green. And then a thought came into his mind, 'maybe I should go and find Matt Barry, he would be able to help, after all, the fist that is in Chuck Norris' Beard is indeed the Left Fist of Matt Barry.' When harold went to find Matt Barry he saw the monster again from earlier. And thus it was that Harold found Matt Barry indeed, wriggling inside the ugly, stinky monster's gnarly teeth. Later that day, Micheal Knight drove out of the T.V. in Kitt and whooped that little niggers ass!! yeah, i said nigger, what are you gonna do about it?
edit Johnnys's story
He went to a local spelling bee, when all of a sudden, Rather then given a WORD to spell, he was given a question! He was asked his bra size, and with a red face and shaking limbs, he answered. "LOL TITS!" Johnny shouted, after which he decided to poke all the judges eyes out one by one for lulz. Just then, the judges turned into Clinjas. Then Matt Barry came swooping in on his giant flaming tricycle and started to fight Chuck Norris who was at the time undercover as a little hairy schoolgirl, yet Matt Barry preceded to KICK HIS ASS into oblivion. The rest of the army of fools disbanded and ate bacon sandwiches, waiting for Matt Barry to stop kicking ass, they would be there for a while. Johnny had no idea why any of this was related to him, although he assumed that an over excited uncyclopedian had simply decided to enter a post onto the 'Johnny's story' section of the one sentence Unstory page, and thne forgotten what he had wanted to write, thus causing him to type random nonsensical (but really kick-ass) events into the story, but this was just Johnny's opinion. And seeing as how this was technically still America, everyone had the freedom to not give a fuck about his opinion. Vagina. Thats right, i said it. Of course, they could always censor me, but I don't think they have the balls.
Anyway... Captain Jerry, who was in the audience, stood up and angrily yelled, "I DON'T STAND FOR RACIAL IGNORANCE"! But secretly, he did, and a horny turtle came up and said "Im green and mean WOO!" And then Captain Jerry, along with his new horny, shelled, green turtle companion streaked across the entirity of the rest of the entire audience, shouting: "HULULAPOLOOZA!" at the tops of their voices. Then Hitler assraped Captain Jerry. Who then proceeded to give a little sexy, emo boy a ticket to kiss Andy Sixx. He then assraped me and killed some cats, who, as everyone know, are the children of the devil, even worse than Jedward, Bieber and Twilight, except for Kirsten Stewart cause she's pretty hot though not as much as Andy Sixx.
A monkey then proceeded to mock the circus master, by constantly throwing slightly liquid excrements at Oprah. The poo-covered Oprah, whom was loved by many, then went on a giant killing spree, committing mass chat show host genocide. The only one to survive her mass murders was Mr. Kyle, known for his unorthodox ninja ways. And by "unothodox ninja ways" I mean that he curled up into a fetal position and started masturbating furiously, which of course confused, disgusted, and oddly aroused the beast known to the World as Oprah so much so, that she found herself unable to kill such a pathetic and unnerving individual as Mr. Kyle. But this was a pretty quotidian day for Mr kyle, whom for some reason often enjoyed an afternoon of curling up in fetal position whilst furiously masturbating anyway... Oprah being most shocked by this disgustingly immature twist preceded to join him in his afternoon activities... only to spontaneously com bust from the sheer power of Mr Kyles throbbing member. You would think that the loss of Oprah would be a GOOD thing, but a volcano-sized grease-fire is bound to have devastating consequences on an already stressed environment and, sure enough, the resulting cloud lingers for months, killing all plant life in the Northern Hemisphere. Thousands of Americans immediately flung themselves off of cliffs, at the loss.