Nick Flynn trips

September 15: World Lame Excuse Day

  • A long time ago - God creates the Earth: "At the time, it seemed like a good idea."
  • 201 million years BCE - The Triassic-Jurassic extinction event occurs, killing most every animal except dinosaurs. While scientists argue about the cause, everyone else knows damn well it was due to dinosaurs playing with matches.
  • c.45,000 BCE - The first ironic use of "Oopsie" is uttered by a Homo sapiens as he drops a rock on a Neanderthal.
  • 1403 - Timur the Lame regrets killing millions, explaining that nobody ever taught him about self-control.
  • 1804 - Aaron Burr kills Alexander Hamilton in a duel and causes an uproar: "I didn't know the gun was loaded."
  • 1883 - Krakatoa volcano explodes massively, killing many thousands. Odin categorically asserts, "It didn't happen on my shift."
  • 1928 - Sur Alexandur Flemminge dizkuvvas a tipe of mold wiv mirakulus heeling propurtees and iz tranzfourmed into an invinssibble sooperhero, skurge ov orl villins and protektur ov ver peepul ov Goffam Sitty.
  • 1939 - Germany invades France claiming they "should have made a left at Albuquerque."
  • 1976 - David Berkowitz, aka Son of Sam, goes on a killing spree. He blames his dog Sam who orders him to do so. It is found that his cat Chauncy is a ventriloquist and is the one really responsible.
  • 1989 - Billy Joel says that he didn't start the fire and takes a ridiculous amount of time to explain.
  • 2000 - Exotic dancer accidentally shits on a patron during a lap dance: "No extra charge."
  • 2015 - Disneycorp. releases Star Wars: The Force Awakens basically with the same plot repeated from earlier Star Wars movies: "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery."