5768 BCE - God creates Jews as the world's first practical joke then sets them on fire and extinguishes them via urination.
1768 - Mme. Bastille opens an eponymously named cake shop in Paris. The first signs of a confusion which will shape a nation come when the postman accidentally delivers 12 gallons of milk and eight pounds of flour to the Bastille prison, and 7 condemned enemies of the state to Mme. Bastille. According to historical records she made them a cup of tea and then forced them to ice cakes for Louis XVI. She was fine 2 francs for forced labour and clashing icing color combinations.
1787 - Mme. Bastille nearly goes bankrupt having wrongly anticipating a surge in demand due to the peasants actually going out and eating cake. She sacks Marie Antoinette as a strategy consultant.
1789 - French revolutionaries storm the other Bastille. You know, the other one. It's just up the street from the first one, the one that we stormed already. No, not the tobacconist, next to that. Do I have to draw you a map?
1789 - Wedding cake figurines cause confusion in the dark among overexcited revolutionaries and the battle to take the Bastille cake shop rages for 3 days as a result.
1811 - Napoleon makes Secondary Bastille Day a pubic holiday throughout French-occupied Europe. The British respond with well-bred disdain.
1815 - A somewhat confused British man dies from keeping a stiff lower lip while eating cake.
1889 - The centenary of Secondary Bastille Day is marred when the organising committee grudgingly admits they don't know where the Secondary Bastille is, and are not even sure if there ever was one.
1910 - The Grinch steals Christmas from a clan of pot smoking little people.
1940 - A platoon of German soldiers is sent to occupy the Secondary Bastille. They are discovered ragged, starving and lost in 1952.
1994 - President Bill Clinton initiates Dress Like a French Maid Day.
1997 - Tupac Shakur dies six days after being shot in Las Vegas. Witnesses described the assailant as being dressed like a French maid.
1999 - Lunar Bastille is blown out of orbit by a massive explosion at a waste storage complex overloaded with cake, camembert cheese rinds, croissants, and taunted English kanigguts.
2000 - Al Qaeda decides that "9/11" is catchier than "9/13." Plans are postponed almost a full year.
2001 - To honor the victims of 9/11, Dick Cheney dresses like a French maid.
2010 - Taylor Swift wins at the VMA's again, except this time when Kanye West tries to bring his drunken ass up, she punches him in the nose, where he then falls on Beyoncé, who is so surprised, she screams. This alerts her bodyguards, who then tackle Kanye West and beat the crap out of him. That night he succumbs to his injuries, and Taylor Swift goes back up to the microphone. "I'm sorry, y'all, but Michael Jackson had one of the best deaths of all time! Of all time!"