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HAMSTER

Example of a shiny ass, on the hamster!

October 3: National Day of Retrofitting Your Hamster With a Metal Ass (Japan)

  • 1024 - Viagra cookies are invented by Superman and Elton John.
  • 1195 - The King of Persia launches a surprise attack on Rome with their new and improved rugs. Cesar Chavez's army crushes the attacks with a combined pirate and ninja fleet.
  • 1645 - Roman blacksmith is first to create cast iron ass for his five-year-old son's pet hamster.
  • 1915 - Steel prices skyrocket due to the large number of pet hamsters owned in Japan.
  • 1928 - Shiny chromed hamster asses are all the rage this year.
  • 1929 - Hamster asses can now be programmed to "jitterbug".
  • 1952 - Due to shortages of metal after World War II, hamsters are forced to wear discarded teaspoons.
  • 1978 - Aluminum asses are proved to give a greater power-to-weight ratio for the hamster.
  • 1982 - Scientists find that the uranium hamster ass was "probably not a very good idea".
  • 1983 - Giant, rabid, razor-toothed uranium-assed hamsters install metal asses on the entire human population of Tokyo.
  • 1988 - George H.W. Bush becomes the first President to ever have a pet hamster and son with a metal ass.
  • 1990 - David Hasselhoff reunites Germany by pissing on the Berlin Wall.
  • 1995 - O.J. Simpson is acquitted of murder because a hamster-sized metal butt cheek found at the murder scene did not fit him.
  • 2004 - PETA activists blockade McDonald's fast-food outlets to protest against the cruel, barbaric process of retrofitting hamsters with metal asses.
  • 2015 - Apple creates the iLife, something having a lifespan of 6 months before something newer and better than you is released.
  • 2017 - Newly elected Hamster Commander-in-Chief Fuzzy proclaims "all hamsters with metal asses to be 'out' and all hamsters with funny fruit hats to be 'in.'"