Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/October

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Contagious disease

October 1: Winter Paradox (Eastern Hemisphere), Contagious Disease Appreciation Day

  • 1/0 AD - I was born... My name is "undefined"
  • 331 BC - Alexander the Great defeats Darius III of Persia in the Battle of the Bands.
  • 1987 - Malaysia :the smartest guy born in Sibu.
  • 1890 - 'Yosemite Sam' National Park established.
  • 1919 - Woodrow Wilson falls down the White House stairs and is the first President to lose use of his left big toe.
  • 1928 - The Soviet Union introduces its first Five-Year Plan, which is to come up with another five year plan in five years.
  • 1930 - "October 1 day" celebrated in Paris. Rioting ensues.
  • 1960 - Nigeria gains independence from the United Kingdom. This event is celebrated by a solemn ten seconds of not sending spam emails.
  • 1962 - Riots in Mississippi as Alabama wins the "America's most racist state" award. Alabama's victory brought to an end Mississippi's 30-year winning streak.[1]
  • 1963 - Intelligent design is no longer taught in schools after the California State Board of Education is created.
  • 1964 - The Free Speech Movement is launched on the campus of University of California, Berkeley. Previously students had been charged up to a nickle per syllable for each word uttered.
  • 1971 - Orlando, Florida founded after settlers discover Walt Disney World.
  • 1975 - Muhammed Ali declared the eventual winner against Joe Frazier in a fight dubbed the "Battle in Guadacanal".
  • 1979 - The Hunt For Red October officially began. It was supposed to start on September 28th, but they waited a couple of days to save them changing the name.
  • 1998 - Raccoon City is destroyed by three cruise missiles and repeated aerial bombardment in an attempt to contain a T-Virus outbreak
  • 2003 - Bournemouth recognised as a city by the British government, entire world shocked.
  • 2004 - In a desperate bid to diversify its business Microsoft engineers and a team from Wigan University, England invent the pineapple chunk.
  • 2005 - Official Reminder: September has now ended. Now is an appropriate time to wake up Billie Joe from Green Day.
  • 2007 - 12 men celebrate Man Flu by going on an all night bender, only 5 survive, a doctor prescribes reruns of Match Of The Day and plenty of Nuts magazines.a.j hastings willingly raped by 24 men
  • 2007 - Punch me in the Nuts Barney is launched and instantly becomes a sell-out.
  • 2009 - Swine Flu kills everybody but the Republican leaders. They die soon afterward due to the fact they never learned how to feed themselves.
  • 1973 - Richard nixon crowned worlds sexiest man; Rioting ensues.

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Oday

October 2: Orgasm Day

  • 1835 - The Texas Revolution begins where the Mexican soldiers attempt to disarm the people of Gonzales, Texas to stop them reaching orgasm, but encounter stiff resistance from a hastily assembled pornography stockpile.
  • 1870 - The Great Tomato War begins
  • 1876 - Six women are killed in test of first steam-powered vibrator. It's inventor, Havelock Schtumpf, is never seen again.
  • 1889 - In Colorado, Nicholas Creede strikes it rich during the last great orgasm boom of the American old west.
  • 1919 - US President Woodrow Wilson reaches orgasm and suffers a massive stroke, leaving him partially paralyzed.
  • 1924 - The Geneva Protocol is adopted as a means to strengthen the length of male orgasm.
  • 1949 - 500,000 male steel workers win improved retirement benefits, orgasms.
  • 1956 - The beginning of the great orgasm shortage.
  • 1966 - The orgasm shortage ends, around 2 billion people all orgasm at the same time, vibrating the earth closer to the sun by around 500 miles. Scientists predict a slow and steady increase in global temperature.
  • 1985 - I invent the orgasm. Repeatedly. With your mom.
  • 1986 - Your Mum jokes get old. Again.
  • 1995 - Someone in Paris orgasms. Rioting ensues.
  • 1996 - Furbies debut, eating the souls of the overpriveledged.
  • 2013 - Chuck Norris orgasms, man is wiped out.

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HAMSTER

Example of a shiny ass, on the hampster!

October 3: National Day of Retrofitting Your Hamster with a Metal Ass (Japan)

  • -1195 AD - The King of Persia launches a surprise attack on Rome with their new and improved rugs. Cesar Chavez's army crushes the attacks with a combined Pirate and Ninja fleet.
  • 1024 - Viagra cookies are invented by Superman and Elton John.
  • 1422 - First recorded use of the word 'come' to mean orgasm.
  • 1423 - First recorded joke of a man making a pun on the word 'come'.
  • 1645 - Roman blacksmith is first to create cast iron ass for his five year old son's pet hamster.
  • 1915 - Steel prices skyrocket due to the large number of pet hamsters owned in Japan.
  • 1928 - Shiny chromed hamster asses are all the rage this year.
  • 1929 - Hamster asses can now be programmed to "Jitterbug".
  • 1952 - Due to shortages of metal after World War II, hamsters are forced to wear discarded cutlery.
  • 1978 - Aluminuim asses are proved to give greater power to weight ratio for the hamster.
  • 1982 - Discovered that uranium hamster ass was "probably not a very good idea".
  • 1983 - Giant, rabid, razor-toothed uranium-assed hamsters install metal asses to the entire human population of Tokyo.
  • 1988 - Geroge H.W. Bush is voted in as the first President to ever have a pet hamster with a metal ass.
  • 1990 - David Hasselhoff reunited Germany by pissing on the Berlin Wall
  • 1995 - OJ Simspon did it
  • 2004 - PETA activists blockade McDonalds fast-food outlets to protest against the cruel, barbaric process of retrofitting hamsters with metal asses.
  • 2015 - Apple creates the iLife, therefore having a lifespan of 6 months before something newer and better than you is released.
  • 2017 - Newly Elected Hamster Commander-in-Chief 'Fuzzy' proclaims "all hamsters with metal asses to be 'out' and all hamsters with funny fruit hats to be 'in.'"
  • 2020 - Osama Bin Laden comes back as a metal-assed zombie and is arrested by PETA police for hurting a hamster in deep Afghanistan

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Space Zombies

October 4: International Holiday In Space Day, National Day of No National Holidays (Botswana), International Zombie appreciation day

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Sophia-hose

Sophia prefers real sex to telegraph sex.

October 5: National Telegraph Appreciation Day, brought to you by TT&A, your local telegraph provider

  • 1337 BC - The telegraph is invented by Greek inventor Teleos Graphodopoulos.
  • 337 BC - Alexander the Great celebrates 1,000th anniversary of telegraphy by having world's first telegraph sex with his lover, George Michael; boasts of his "long dash."
  • 663 - Meheomod, a.k.a. Mohammed, telegraphs his intentions to destroy all Christian infidels. Celebrations of telegraph's 2,000th anniversary are cancelled.
  • 1371 - Blinding snowstorm snarls traffic, downs telegraph lines in Ming Dynasty's first test of emergency preparedness.
  • 1921 - The World Series was broadcast on the radio for the first time. Telegraph announcer at the World Series loses all fingers trying to keep up. He sues all radio owners making them give him their fingers; He now has over a million fingers on each hand.
  • 1926 - The first error 404 appeared in a telegraph (in this thing called the "internet")
  • 1931 - Before crashing in France, the British airship R101 sends an urgent SOS telegram, until they realize there's nothing connected onto the other end of it.
  • 2001 - Telegraph service finally arrives in Kentucksylvania.
  • 2006 - Google and SUN Microsystems release their thin-client telegraph server, codenamed GTelegraph, to combat Microsoft.
  • 2006 - Western Union cancels telegraphic service, saying "We're gonna try out this new telly-phone deal the kids are so fond of."
  • 2008 - George Michael confessess his love of crack and Tom Cruise markets his new video game.
  • 2009 - Peru runs out of biscuits due to a telegraphic error in the shipping quote.

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Trojan-horse

October 6 : Anniversary of the Invention of Fire, World's Most Dangerous Day To Be Flammable

  • 4,327,340 B.C. - Fire is invented. Matches, which had been in use for years beforehand, now finally have a use.
  • 4,327,339 B.C. - The competition to create the biggest bang results in the accidental creation of aerosols.
  • 105 B.C. - The Greeks invent a fire which doesn't go out when in contact with water. They call it "Greek Fire".
  • 103 B.C. - A hasty rebranding of "Greek Fire" goes wrong, and the newly renamed "AlphaFire+" is scrapped. Nobody bothers to write down the formula.
  • 1081 - King Wilhelm IV of North West Prussia dies. The North West Prussia Gazette finally has front page news that doesn't involve the word "sauerkraut".
  • 1611 - Several people are executed for "petty theft" in Hungary, much to the amusement of the Austrians, who framed them.
  • 1612 - Hungary goes to war with Austria.
  • 1613 - Several Austrians are extradited to Hungary, where they are executed for "obstructing the cause of justice". Hungary withdraws from Austria, after 40 million people have died.
  • 1846 - Mr. Georges "Bang-Bang" Firework, of Sparkler Street, Catherine Wheel, New Jersey, finally invents the trampoline.
  • 1859 - Mr. Henry "Boing-Boing" Jumper, of Trampoline Terrace, Bouncy, Ohio, finally invents the firework. Various historians later switch the facts to amuse themselves.
  • 1910 - People realise fireworks are better at night.
  • 1913 - Parties are held throughout London, celebrating the fact that they have just signed a peace treaty with Germany.
  • 1936 - An Austrian physicist discovers the long lost formula for "AlphaFire+". Unfortunately, his lab then burnt down.
  • 1957 - Historians jump with joy as they discover what Edward Crapper invented.
  • 1995 - Several Hungarians nick a firecracker from an Austrian shop, and then proceed to blame some Austrians.
  • 1996 - The Hungarians are burnt at the stake, ironically using their own firecracker.
  • 2002 - The official date of the discovery of fire is discovered by historians. They attribute the discovery to Mr. Alfred "Burn-Burn" Hotstuff.

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Cockfighting

October 7: International ""

  • 1512 - Cockfighting is invented by Goorg, a Turkish peasant in Asia Minor. Confusion reigns as roosters square off against genitalia.
  • 1590 - Cockistan was created by Sejla. Accepted citizenship ever since. It is right next to Argentina. France destroys countless gypsy settlement camps near Paris. Due to the lack of any International Gypsy Protection Open Organisation, nobody cares.
  • 1947 - Engrand is set up, a few years before spell check is invented.
  • 1949 - Yet another Pinko Commie country spawns for a few brief years before being tossed back to Germany and laughed at.
  • 1959 - Simon Cowell, English recording executive and television judge is born. The doctors who brought him into the world have since been subject to much hatred.
  • 1960 - Kennedy & Nixon debate the Cold War and penis length in the second of four scheduled debates.
  • 1970 - Richard Nixon announces he has a penis and launches a new five-point peace proposal to end the Vietnam War.
  • 1980 - Ronald Reagan announces his plans to resolve the energy crisis and hostage situation in the Middle East by "whipping it out". Reagan wins the erection.
  • 1997 - The song Detachable Penis becomes a solid gold, rock hard hit (for a few minutes).
  • 2001 - U.S. invades Afghanistan with an air assault, to eradicate all small penises.
  • 2003 - California governor Gray Davis loses his penis and is replaced by Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  • 2007 - Actor Daniel Radcliffe, concerning a penis-enhancement e-mail, sues "that guy who keeps offering to make my penis larger" for sexual harassment; "that guy", who turns out to be Jesus, claims to have been trying to work on his miracle-performing skills.

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Venus of Laussel

ancient porn

October 8: International Best Inventions Ever Day

  • 4004 BC - God invents breasts
  • 4003 BC - Pornography is invented. There is no war for the next thousand years.
  • 4002 BC - Lesbian porn is invented. The first case of carpal tunnel is documented.
  • 5996 BC - Lotion is invented.
  • 2600 BC - Mayans invent chocolate
  • 2650 BC - Orgasm is invented by The French.
  • 2700 BC - Master Bei-Shun spreads the "Art of Masturbation".
  • 500 - Germans invent beer
  • 1234 - Handgun is invented. This later inspires the invention of real guns.
  • 1890 - Oscar Wilde invents Uncyclopedia
  • 1921 - Americans invent bacon cheeseburger
  • 1949 - Danes create Lego
  • 1952 - Deep fried spam invented
  • 1958 - Segway invented in Paris. Rioting ensues.
  • 1959 - Rioting invented.
  • 1963 - Hippies invent Free Love
  • 1964 - Hippies sell free love for pot.
  • 1979 - Victoria's Secret Catalogue introduced. This is followed days later by a worldwide lotion shortage.
  • 1984 - Wales invents the cheese and ham toastie, it is made their national dish. Students rejoice.
  • 1993 - Scientologists revolted. Nobody cared.
  • 1998 - Monkey butlers invented, but those damn PETA activists won't let us have any.
  • 2006 - Royal Canadian Air Force invents Air-to-Segway missile.

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Ferrets

October 9: Weasel Day

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Hippies

October 10: Not-for-turning Day, International Day of No Underwear

  • 1582 - Pope Gregory XIII implements the Gregorian calendar. While not wearing any underwear. Pope Gregory announced that turning is immoral.
  • 1807 - Canada defeats The Pirate Nation in the Canadian-Pirate War. Canada turns a new leaf even though they're not supposed to turn...
  • 1815 - Napoleon I of France begins his exile on St. Helena in the Atlantic Ocean. He forgets to pack any underwear. When it was his turn to attack, he refused, stating his famous cathphrase, "Turning will give you herpes."
  • 1955 - Jimi Hendrix is spawned from Buddy Holly's guitar and a rum-and-coke while illegal turning on the New Jersey Turnpike.
  • 1975 - USA leads asearch for a man named "Charlie" in Vietnam.
  • 1980 - Margaret Thatcher declares that she is not for turning, despite the best attempts of pro-turning lobbyists.
  • 1995 - Underwear outlawed in Paris. Riots ensue. Jim Morrision turns in his grave.
  • 2006 - North Korea tests nukes. In response, America builds comsat stations; Iran upgrades zealots; Afghanistan makes turning weapons that have no use.
  • 2015 - George Bush dies. He died from a serious case of turning.
  • 2015 - Al Gore is arrested for the turning of an undisclosed ex-politician

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Dodo

October 11: Flightless Bird Awareness Day

  • 1581 - Dodos enjoyed for first time by Portuguese.
  • 1809 - Famed explorer Meriwether Lewis dies of a gunshot wound. Although it is generally believed to be a suicide, others note that suspicious-looking kiwis were seen lurking in the area.
  • 1850 - University of Sydney opens, offering degrees in emu ranching and cassowary wrangling.
  • 1895 - A staging of Oscar Wilde's The Importance of Being Earnest is disrupted when an ostrich is accidentally let into the theater. Wilde clubs the bird into submission with his shoe.
  • 1923 - Scientists prove there are no penguins at the north pole, wonder why.
  • 1942 - Penguin Punting is invented in New Zealand due to war-time rationing of sports equiptment
  • 1958 - Penguin (chocolate bar is invented), Kit Kat is infuriated.
  • 1975 - Saturday Night Live debuts with an emperor penguin as guest host.
  • 1989 - McDonald's introduces the Ostrich McNugget.
  • 1998 - The Ostrich McNugget is reported to be a tasty non greasy supplement by Wikipedia, shows what they know...
  • 2004 - McDonalds introduces the Emperor Penguin deluxe kids meal, with 98% penguin meat.
  • 2012 - Penguin Armies of Doom rise up and overthrow humanity.

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Bible verses

October 12: International Day of Using Bible Verses For Any Purpose Whatsoever

  • 1322 - As being hauleth up the cliffs of insanity, Vizzini informeth Fezzik "Behold now behemoth, which I made with thee; he eateth grass as an ox. Art this not conceivable to thy smallish cranium?"[2]
  • 1492 - Christopher Columbus placeth the first "John 3:16" sign in the New World.[3]
  • 1695 - Isaac Newton discovereth the Golden Rule.[4]
  • 1941 - Winston Churchill falleth asunder, crying "My bowels, my bowels! I am pained at my very heart; my heart maketh a noise in me"[5]
  • 1958 - Andy Warhol discovereth that a feast is made for laughter, and wine maketh merry... but money answereth all things.[6]
  • 1989 - Actor Patrick Stewart goeth for a walk. And as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.[7]
  • 1995 - Bill Clinton declareth on oath that thrice was he beaten with rods, once was he stoned, thrice he suffered shipwreck, and a night and a day he has been in the deep.[8]
  • 2003 - Jeb Bush, Governor of Florida, maketh an law that will cut off from the people him that pisseth against a wall.[9]
  • 2004 - A court sentenceth Martha Stewart to six months in chains, as well threaten to smite her with a consumption, and with a fever, and with an inflammation, and with an extreme burning, and with the sword, and with blasting, and with mildew.[10]
  • 2007 - The Angry Video Game Nerd invents the first twenty-syllable expletive.
  • 2010 - George W. Bush quotes Ezekiel 25:17 to God before popping a cap in his own ass.[11]

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October 13: International Paranoia Day

MindHat
  • 54 - Claudius, Roman Emperor (b. 10 BC) is assassinated by the C.I.A. Historians say this is impossible because the C.I.A. wasn't in existence yet... which is exactly what the C.I.A. would like to have you believe.
  • 1792 - Cornerstone laid for the White House. Who lays stones? Masons. What organization did the masons start? Freemasons. Do I need to spell the rest out for you people?
  • 1835 - Nothing of historical significance happened on this day in history... or so the Illuminati would have us believe.
  • 1937 - Aviation pioneer Igor Sikorsky has a bunch of unpainted helicopters sitting around his factory, and gets a deal on 5000 gallons of black paint. The Black Helicopter is invented. You'd have to be pretty naive to think this was just a lucky coincidence.
  • 1939 - Nothing happened in Germany! We were all on vacation! ALLE NATIONEN WERDEN SICH VOR DEUTSCHLAND VERBEUGEN!!!
  • 1947 - Nothing happens at Roswell (wink wink).
  • 1949 - First meeting of the Trilateral Commission... or is it?
  • 1955 - The. U.S. Government does not begin top secret operations at Area 51 (wink wink).
  • 1968 - NASA works feverishly to build the sets for the 1969 "moon landings".
  • 1974 - TV personality Ed Sullivan passes away due to "natural causes". And just like that, the Jews are one step closer to global domination.
  • 2000 - Preparations for the 9-11 attacks are begun by agents of the United Nations, the Jews, the CIA, and the Vatican.
  • 2012 - Nothing apocalyptic will happen... or will it?

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Punching Carrottop

October 14: National Hit an Annoying Person in the Head Day

  • 1066 - William the Conqueror punches Harold Godwinson in the head at the Battle of Hastings.
  • 1922 - A man is punched in the head after he uses the elevator to ride a single floor instead of taking the stairs opposite the elevators.
  • 1985 - New York is the first state that allows the state troopers to pull over slow drivers and then smack them 'upside the head'.
  • 1992 - Entire Royal Family of Britain smacked 'upside the head'.
  • 1999 - A PC spits a CD out of its CD-ROM drive, hitting Bill Gates in the head. This is the first confirmed instance of artificial intelligence.
  • 2001 - George Dubya smacked in the head with a whiffleball bat. The attacker is not apprehended, but leaves behind a number of pamphlets about global warming.
  • 2002 - Fran Drescher hit in the head with a large halibut. Fortunately, the halibut is unharmed.
  • 2003 - George of the Jungle was captured by a nearby tree, which promptly clubbed him in the head. Apparently the tree was meditating when George's distracting collisions occurred.
  • 2004 - Subway's Jared Fogle was knocked unconscious when struck in the face with a stale foot-long loaf of Italian Herbs-'n'-Cheese Bread. As a result, Jared endured several painful operations to remove razor-sharp breadcrumbs and flakes of oregano which are lodged deep in his sinuses.
  • 2009 - Someone hits an annoying person with a stick 9 times.

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Pregnantmiranda

October 15: Preggo Appreciation Day

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Mime hunting

October 16: Opening day of hunting season for mimes & memes (United States)

  • 6992 BC It is OVER 9000 years before the present. Not much happens.
  • 1804 - The first mime turns up in France
  • 1914 - Mime hunting season initiated to control the number of mimes.
  • 1987 - The first known instance of rick-rolling occurs.
  • 1988 - Garfield invents the phrase "Lotsa spaghetti", uses in the opening credits of his popular TV show
  • 1994 - Gay Luigi steals "Lotsa spaghetti" from Garfield. He is promptly kicked off a table.
  • 2003 - PETA argues that the mime problem should be solved humanely, by imprisoning them in invisible boxes.
  • 2004 - A disgruntled mime uses a magnum to "remove" any extra mimes in the area, he is promptly arrested. apparently the mime wasn't using a silencer.
  • 2005 - Despite being a senior citizen, Chuck Norris becomes an internet meme.
  • 2006 - Vice President Dick Cheney shoots a mime in the face on a hunting "accident."
  • 2007 - References to Oscar Wilde declared to be no longer funny.

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Yakman

October 17: Take a Sojourn Day

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Funky Radiation

October 18: International Funk Day (Portugal), Radiation Day

  • 0023 - God lost control of the universe yet again, causing countless miracles. Luckily, Jesus thought fast and found an explanation for all those fish everywhere.
  • 1000 - Due to linguistical differences in many parts of the world, many people have unfortunately mixed up International Funk Day with International Spunk Day. Kleenex has a field day.
  • 1955 - All Hell Breaks Loose in Wittinghermandershire Upon Broohavensmarshington, England when a portal to the dark underworld is discovered by a chimney sweep mistaking an inconspicuous closet door for that of the men's lavatory in a small, inconspicuous pub. The scene of dark beings invading the earth is compounded by the fact that the chimney sweep failed to realize that the "urinal" into which he chose to relieve himself was, in fact, a dark being. And, although dark beings are, in fact, dark beings, they do have feelings too and do not, contrary to popular belief, appreciate being urinated upon by chimney sweeps.
  • 1960 - Funk music, Jazz's retarded brother is born.
  • 1978 - U.S. President George Clinton puts Portugal under a groove. Portuguese population introduced to blow.
  • 2002 - Jacques Chirac is elected in France, funky disco dancing ensues
  • 2002 - Parisians realize how gay Disco Dancing is, rioting ensues
  • 2006 - Kim Jong Il funks the world with Mass Destruction, giving celebration to all of the days occasions
  • 2557- 25 different types of cheese are discovered on the bottom of the ocean. Scientists are baffled and manage to retrieve 16 of the different types. A German hypnotist later publishes the findings in a kids weekly coloring book; it becomes an instant best seller.

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Saint Roger

October 19: Feast of Saint Roger (Estonia). Feast of rogering saints (Bulgaria).

  • 24 - Saint Roger invites his chums to his residence, Gobblewood Mansion, and holds a feast.
  • 26 - Saint Roger gets raped by Hillbillies while on holiday in Bulgaria
  • 1161 - The first trout was launched into space by the ruskies, onboard Stenchpotski 12.
  • 1297 - Someone, somewhere, goes to the lavatory.
  • 1349 - Postmen all over England suffer the Sack Death.
  • 1492 - Christopher Columbus sings the blues.
  • 1607 - Elizabeth I of England rises from the dead as a zombie- then dies again of a bad cold.
  • 1704 - Nokia renames itself Bobcom.
  • 1734 - Bobcom renames itself Fredphone.
  • 1764 - Fredphone renames itself Kings Cross Talk.
  • 1824 - Kings Cross Talk renames itself Londres Compagnie de la Télécommunications.
  • 1854 - Londres Compagnie de la Télécommunications renames itself London-Telekommunikation-Gesellschaft.
  • 1884 - London-Telekommunikation-Gesellschaft renames itself Retford Phone Company.
  • 1914 - Retford Phone Company renames itself Nokia.
  • 1925 - Nokia Phone Company renames itself Phil the lovable huggable drunkard, but then decides that it projects a negative image on their homeless phone subscribers, so they change back.
  • 1973 - Pfft is created and every word in the dictionary is thusforth removed for the rest of eternity. Except for one word. Pfft.
  • 1983 - 34 Nazis decide to hold a square dance, which result in a whole new line of trousers being released.
  • 1990 - Toasters take over the internets messaging services. Ovens are taken in for questioning.
  • 2004 - Nokia renames itself NO CIA, and starts a nuclear war.
  • 2007 - While visiting Chicago, President George W. Bush is assassinated, following an economic speech at the Chicago Sheraton Hotel, in front of which an anti-war rally was being held. Noted pedophile John Mark Karr is later arrested for the murder, but is himself killed by a distraught Don King before the case can go to trial.

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October 20: Run out of ideas for Uncyclopedia anniversaries day

KeepRight

This sign was erected on October 20th...no, wait, it was the 21st. Never mind.

  • 1735 - A French pot head trips on the remains of Napoleon, nobody gives a damn.
  • 1846 - Engrish troops invade Minnesota, realize they took a wrong turn on the way to France and turn around. Indians scalp and rape several.
  • 1864 - Abraham Lincoln issues the Emancipation Proclamation as a joke; unfortunately, nobody gets it.
  • 1965 - A flying saucer lands in California, Scientology briefly becomes popular, at least until the government fire bombed all the celebrities.
  • 1969 - Oscar Wilde is discovered painting a mosaic of Islamic extremists with his urine. Extremists eat sacred cows in retaliation. Gandhi is shocked and appalled, the movie Gandhi II is released as a result of real world events.
  • 1974 - End of an Oil embargo crisis: Most OPEC nations end a 5-month oil embargo against the United States, America tells them to fuck off; invents electric vehicles.
  • 1980 - The world was taken over by the governmen- er... um... Hey guys.. how are you? What with those guns pointed at my head?
  • 1982 - Mount St. Helens erupts in Washington, killing several million hikers and causing US$390 trillion in damage. Government cover up of the tragedy includes flying monkeys with super-soakers.
  • 1988 - Two U.S. Army roflcopters collide in Fort Campbell, Kentucky, killing 1337 squirrels.
  • 1990 - China begins plans to hack google and steal information on McDonalds cheeseburger prep.
  • 1990 - South Korean scientists recreate mohammed from cloned DNA of Chihuahua. The world fell into darkness.
  • 1998 - Beer first enters my stomach. Thousands rejoice.
  • 2005 - Screw this, I'm off.
  • π - The US Supreme Court declares that π has just as much of a right to be a year as any other year and declares the next 20 years to be the year π as back pay for this injustice over two millennia old.
  • 2006 - Actually, I think we have enough for today, but the rest of the month is going to be a pain, well, it's time to go "research" events.
  • 2012 - The apocalypse at the end of the world is discovered to have been caused by unyclopedia running out of ideas for anniversaries.

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William of Shatner

October 21: William Shatner Appreciation Day

  • 1017 BC - Plato invents a wicked new toy, but squirrels it away for centuries. Not until the New King James translation of his world famous book The Republic is it rediscovered.
  • Nought-686 AD - Conan of Cimmeria becomes Pope, is contracted to star in Conan the Destroyer.
  • 1020 - Some German honkies were enjoyinng a very nice section of the Black Forest until some Romans come sack their village. Today is the day they payed those Degos back with interest.
  • 16-nought-Nine AD - Ninja Turtle Raphael starts beautifying some buildings in Rome. He will one day paint the perfect pizza.
  • 1740 - Worldwide squirrel defenestration conspiracy forms.
  • 18-nought-Five AD - Battle of Trafalgar. French/Spanish/Dutch PWND by Nelson.
  • 1989 - The gateway to Hell opened up for the eleventh time since Britney Spears got out, but it was only to let Mr. Flufferkins go tinkle. Mr. Rogers' neighborhood never recovered.
  • 1992 - Rachael Ray's chicken gains intelligent life
  • 1997 - Frogger crossed the road for the very first time
  • 1998 - The $5 bill was invented
  • 2007 - Buster Keaton is slowly forgotten once again.
  • 2008 - Klingon made the official language of the United States.
  • 2009 - You read this.
  • 2015 - Marty McFly and Dr. Emmett Brown arrive to Hill Valley from the year 1985.
  • 2024 - A fly travels to Nova Scotia to drink some sodas.
  • 1986 - KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!

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CAPSLOCK

October 22: Int-t-ternational S-s-stuttering Awareness Day and iNTERNATIONAL cAPS lOCK dAY

  • Beginning Of Time Mrs. Harris (the best Descendant of Chinggis Khan) was born on this epic day!!!!
  • 4004 BC GOD CREATES THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH AT EXACTLY 6:00 PM (ACCORDING TO BISHOP USSHER)
  • 1780 - KING GEORGE VII DECLARES WAR ON TERRRRRRRROR.
  • 1850 - FIR FIR FIR FISST CELEBRATION OF NATIONAL ZOMBIE DAY. "BRAIIIINS" IS FAST BECOMING A PO PO POPULAR CATCHPH PH PHRASE.
  • 1889 - AMERICAN TYPEWRITER'S UNION CHANGES NAME TO AMERICAN FEDERATION OF DICTATION TAKERS
  • 1920 NEW YORK TIMES INTRODUCES ITS FAMOUS "NEWS ZIPPER"; WALL STREET JOURNAL CAUGHT WITH ITS PANTS DOWN
  • 1941 - WAR BREAKS OUT BETWEEN ALLIED STANDARD TYPEWRITER KEY BOARD LOVERS AND AXIS OF DVORAK USERS; PUNCTUATION SUFFERERS AROUND THE WORLD CAUGHT IN MIDDLE
  • 1962 - JFK PREVENTS SOVIETS FR FROM ARMING CUBA BY BLOCKING OFF THE ISLAND WITH HIS BOD BODY.
  • 1968 - LED ZEP-EP-EP-EPLIN RELEASES HIS CLASSIC ALBUM "LED ZEPPPPLIN IIIII", FEATURING HIS HIT SINGLE "WHOLE LOTTTTA LLLLLOVE"
  • 1977 - THE UNCLAI
  • 1984 - STRANGEEE BOOK COM COM COMEES OUT WITH TIT TITT TITTLE OF YEARRR
  • 2003 - MILLIONS OF N00BS WORLDWIDE DISCOVER THE CAPS LOCK KEY AND DECIDE TO ALWAYS TYPE LIKE THIS...
  • 2005 - W W W W W W W WOR WOR WORLD REC RE REC RECORD STUT ST STUTTER WI W W WIN WINS P P P P P P P P P PRI PRIZE
  • 2006 - CAPS LOCK DAY IS ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL CAPS LOCK GETS STUCK AND EVERYONE IS THOUGHT TO BE YELLING.
  • 2666 - I HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAVE TH-TH-TH-TH-THE WOR-WOR-WOR-WOR-WOR-WOR-WORST ST-ST-ST-ST-ST-ST FUCK THIS IM OFF TO A HOUSE PARTY.

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AD&D Players Handbook

October 23: D&D Empowerment Day, a day to let go of your guilt and shame for having played Dungeons & Dragons as a child (or still), and instead reflect upon how it's changed you for the better.

“It says: With this strength or lower I can only be a Magic User. Re-roll!”
~ Oscar Wilde

  • 33 - Jesus creates D&D, the Romans crucify him for this and buries the game where it is found 1900 years later.
  • 1966 - International Federation of the Friendless is formed by Gary Gygax and other near-do-wells.
  • 1969 - While others are busy engaged in the Summer of Love, Gary Gygax and Friends are busy making their own chainmail armour out of plastic plumbing washers.
  • 1970 - Dave Arneson creates a scenario involving an adventure through a castle sewer, in quest of the legendary change room of maidens in waiting. Later arrested for being a peeping tom. Judge was unmoved by his plea that he was doing important game research.
  • 1971 - Gary Gygax and Dave Arneson team up to create "The Fantasy Game." Monsters are substituted for maidens, and mountains of loose change for changerooms.
  • 1974 - TSR publishes the now-renamed Dungeons & Dragons® game by slapping homemade labels over used cereal boxes. In one year, the entire hand-assembled print run of 1,000 games sells out.
  • 1979 - Ozzy Osbourne is chosen as official spokesman, eventually appearing in a commercial where he bites the head off of a Basilisk.
  • 1984 - You realise with horror that the phrase "Uncursed +1/+1 Dark Dwarven Mithril Battle-Axe of Poking people with bits of sharp metal" no longer sounds completely ridiculous to you.
  • 1985 - Everyone starts referring to bottles of water as "Potions of Thirst Obviation" and dictionaries as "Tomes of Acquired Word Definition."
  • 2003 - The first woman to play D&D is later discovered to be a shemale .
  • 2005 - You catch your wife in bed with another man, but later discover she was just earning 50 experience points with a Helmet of Protection +6.
  • 2584 - First D&D player in history gets laid thanks to the lucky roll of a natural 20.
  • 3000 - Roughly 500 years after the first D&D player got laid his great, great, great, great grandson becomes Supream Dungeon Master of earth.
  • 5000 - the world's first jock plays D&D and becomes D&D master of the universe and all that are contained inside it after beating up Supream Dungeon Master of earth

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Evil villain

October 24: Evil Villian Appreciation Day, National Put The Ramones On at Full Volume And Piss Off The Neighbors Day, World Beauty Festival, Stupid Worthless Useless Day, Hooverville Appreciation Day.

  • 1867 - After mass revolt by the Australian and New Zealand governments, Harry becomes Guardian of UCT
  • 1889 - First recorded use of pure hearted maiden, strapped to railroad tracks, to attract a ransom; the deed, while dasterdly, merely attracts Royal Canadian Mounted Police who save the girl and thwart the plan
  • 1931 - Polish schoolboy Joseph Ratzinger is arrested for arson, rape and general troublemaking. The Pope declares this day an International catholic holiday.
  • 1941 - Hitler writes the lyrics of "Blitzkrieg Bop". Later becomes a hit song by The Ramones.
  • 1943 - Morroco becomes capital of evil villians; they are simply fed up to "here" with Hitler's needy personality
  • 1969 - Your second grade teacher, mean old Miss Masters takes away your favorite doll and holds it ransome; demands that you earn an "A" on your spelling test or "Dolly gets it"
  • 1977 - Habitat for Humanity contemplates rebuilding the Big Bad Wolf's house for charity. Instead decides on Euthanasia as a more cost-sensitive option.
  • 1984 - A science teacher from Great Yarmouth sends his class zipwiring down pylon wires, claiming a man who looked a spitting image of Osama Bin Laden told him to do so. It turned out to be the janitor. Incredibly, no-one was even injured and everyone cleared the zipline.
  • 2005 - Dick Cheney gets a dozen roses.
  • 2006 - George Bush holds Ramone concert; all of Canada kept awake until 3am
  • 2007 - Harry Potter 7 comes out -SPOILER: Voldermort idealised as upstanding being, wins Hermione's heart.In desperation Harry becomes gay.

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Dangerous shark

October 25: Shark Awareness Day

  • 625 - Pope Boniface V eaten by a blue shark.
  • 1147 - The Portuguese, under Afonso I, and Crusaders from England conquer Lisbon after a four-month siege. They decide to celebrate by going for a swim, and then all get eaten by tiger sharks.
  • 1655 - Shark arrives from the future, is promptly killed by puzzled Welshman.
  • 1936 - The Rome-Berlin Axis is created by Adolf Hitler, Benito Mussolini, and a bunch of great white sharks (the sharks wanted to ally with Hitler, because they were great white supremacists).
  • 1946 - The secret vote was held by the British parliament to enact the 1946 Gay and Lesbian Slavery Act
  • 1977 - Renegade child eats dozens of sharks at Miami Beach. Panicked King Tritan declares State of Emergency and suspends Civil Liberties.
  • 1979 - Green Peace activist dies after trying to train the first vegetarian shark.
  • 1988 - The Gardners are cloned
  • 1993 - Vincent Price dies.
  • 1994 - Vincent Price's tomb found empty and a series of bizarre murders occur. Sharks are prime suspects.
  • 1997 - Charge of the White Van Men an infamous fight during the Battle of Balaclava
  • 2006 - All travel to Australia banned; shark eats young child at beach.
  • 2007 - Jim Toomey, writer of the comic strip Sherman's Lagoon, is given honorary Cambodian citizenship.
  • 2008 - (Morning) I could not find my keys. Sharks were to blame.
  • 2008 - (Afternoon) It was discovered that I forgot they were on the table. Sharks were to blame.
  • 2008 - (Evening) The goddamn car wouldn't start. An alliance of sharks and malicious little green men is to blame.

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October 26: International Time Travel Day
88milesperhour
  • 1492 - Christopher Columbus invents herpes to pass the time on tedious transatlantic voyages.
  • 1701 - Philadelphia, Pennsylvania incorporated as an American city.
  • 1776 - The first Continental Congress adjourns in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
  • 1805 - Citizens, using stolen British documents, develop simple time travel and travel back to 1701 and eradicate Philadelphia in order to save the East Coast from what would be present Philadelphia. Make second stop a bit farther east and remove area of future New Jersey for good measure as well. All is peaceful.
  • 1822 - The Rock discovers the secret to time travel, goes back in time to kill Hitler, only to realize Hitler wasn't born yet.
  • 1917 - The first Lifetime limited warranty is created when Congress passes the Broken Stamp Act of 1917.
  • 1921 - Highlander comes forward a billion years and impales Sean Connery on a parking meter, revenge ensues.
  • 1944 - Albert Einstein and Nikola Tesla invent a time machine by accident. They travel to 1996 and meet Elton John, The Spice Girls and Bill Clinton's Cigar. They promptly return home, dismantle the time machine and deny it ever happened. It has become known amongst Conspiracy Theorists as the Philadelphia Experiment
  • 1946 - Enjoy whale meat day (Japan)
  • 1969 - The 69 sex position is invented by Christopher Lloyd.
  • 1980 - The 1981 DMC DeLorean, which is later used as a time machine, is released.
  • 1985 - Dr. Emmett Brown invents a time machine out of a DeLorean
  • 1988 - Bill and Ted build a time machine out of a phone booth for access to space porn.
  • 1988 - Pre-Emo angsty teenage outsider, Donnie Darko, avoids being killed by a time-traveling jet engine by sleeping on a golf course.
  • 1988 - Pre-Emo angsty teenage outsider, Donnie Darko, is killed by a time-traveling jet engine.
  • 1994 - First Time Cop trained; turns into serial killer, but accidently destroys own grandmother, creating a paradox called Doctor Who.
  • 1996 - The less popular 96 sex position is invented after the birth of Jesus.
  • 1999 - The 99 sex position is invented. Wait -- How does that work?
  • 2000 - It is discovered that Rosa Parks was actually a middle-aged caucasian man named Hank.
  • 2001 - First Time Traveller's Convention Held in New York. No future being reported.
  • 2003 - Goverment develops a time machine, George W. Bush travels to the past to party with his past self and Hitler.
  • 2006 - Some angsty teenager has an internal conflict with herself about stuff only Col. Sherman Potter and his son Harry Potter would understand.

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Peeing Calvin

October 27: National "Peeing Calvin" Bumper Sticker Day

  • 1875 - Oscar Wilde decided to avoid his normal routine and go to the barbers before attending his routine denouncement
  • 1956 - The Great One's first toenail grew in. Widely considered to be particularly unspectacular, this event is overlooked by hoards of Bushists who hold wild street parties, which begin with tea and quiet chatting and end in mass orgies. Oh, hee hee, I said a dirty word on the internet! Is that even allowed?
  • 1998 - Mother of Pearl Sunday when several people attempted to create a zombie of Michael Jackson.
  • 6000 - John F. Kennedy pees on Calvin.
  • 2101 - Chuck Norris pees twice on Calvin. Then pees on Hobbes and Bill Watterson. Can you beat that John?

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Goldfish

This is October 28th: National Realism Day / 2nd Bolognese Day (First Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster) / Carp de Diem (US: Day of the Goldfish), Feast day of Saint Jude (usually celebrated by going "Nah, nah-nah, nah-nah-nah-nah, hey Jude" for fifteen minutes). Also this is play Cod black ops and don't do ur homework day. US only. u die if u not in US and u celebrating this holiday.

  • 1066 - William the Bad Motherfucker PWNZ the Saxon army. Maybe they should have stopped playing so much damn jazz and maybe picked up a sword, eh?
  • 1492 - Christopher Columbus lands in Cuba, stocks up on Cuban cigars, Che Guevera memorabilia.
  • 1835 - In Paris, nothing happened the entire day that was worth rioting about. Rioting ensues.
  • 1955 - John McClane born in Yippee-Ki-Yay, MF.
  • 1955 - Bill Gates is born. Biblical scholars widely regard this as one of the signs of the End Times described by the Bible in Revelations 4:16 ("Yea, and there shall come a great Monopolist, and this Octopus shall cast his tentacles wide, and He shall spread darkness upon the land, in the form of buggy software, security holes, and poor interface design")
  • 1956 - Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is born. His childhood is marked by several instances of being dropped on his head and drinking paint thinner.
  • 1793 - Eliphalet Remington, American firearms manufacturer, was born. Americans traditionally celebrate his birthday by turning to the person on their left and shooting them.
  • 1942 - The Alaska-Canadian Highway (Alcan) is completed, allowing Alaskans easy access to thousands of pounds of primo BC bud.
  • 2001 - God loses concentration for a minute and the sun sets on the British Empire, the British take this opportunity to take the whole world....bar France... again. Why can the frogs never be conquered?!?!?
  • 2010 - Old MacDonald claims that Michael Jackson appeared to him, on his farm, dressed as Captain EIEIO.
  • 2011 - God admits that Bill Gates does have more money than him.
  • 2012 - America relizes they made the worst genicide of them all and killed the indians then they gave the country back to them and it ends globel warming.

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Ignorance

October 29: National Ignorance Awareness Day /International Rescue Day (Thunderbirds are Go!) / Ramadan ends

  • 1497 - Did something happen on this day?
  • 1576 - Rolf Harris invents the wobble board and didgeridoo. Chaos ensues
  • 1675 - Leibniz makes the first use of the long s, ∫, for integral. 315 years later I have to take calculus. Thanks, man. Thanks a fucking lot.
  • 1782 - God gets up, has a slice of toast, then decides it's all too much bother and goes to bed again for 500 years.
  • 1929 - The New York Stock Exchange crashes in what will be called the Crash of '29 or Black Tuesday, beginning the Great Depression. I think that was like, when, everyone got really unhappy for a long time.
  • 1969 - The first-ever computer-to-computer link is established on ARPANET, the precursor to the Internet. It is used to send porn.
  • 1955 - Mother Brown gets me Dog And Bone.
  • 1957 - Comma, used innappropriately, millions giggle.
  • 1972 - President Richard Nixon declares that he is addicted to the word "Declares".
  • 1985 - Howard The Duck, dude. Howard The Duck.
  • 1990 - Rolf Harris brainwashes an audience in Melbourne with his filthy basslines on his didgeridoo. Further chaos ensues
  • 1998 - Space Shuttle Discovery blasts-off with 77-year old John Glenn on board, making him the oldest person to go into space. He bores astronauts by telling them about how in his day, they didn't have astronaut ice cream, and there were no zero-G toilets, they just had to hold it in the entire mission.
  • 2002 - Ozone linked to Al-Quada, President Bush vows to increase carbon dioxide outputs as USA leads the way in the War on Terra.
  • 2007 - Rolf Harris returns and formally founds dubstep. Even more Chaos ensues
  • 2009 - Pam Anderson's breasts become self aware.
  • 2113 - Reality TV goes too far as God, Allah & Budda duke it out in a Pay-Per-View event billed as "The Gods Must Be Crazy". World ends soon after.

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Pumpkinhead man

October 30: Hallowe've (aka Eve of Hallowe'en).

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10logday

October 31: International Dress Like an Idiot Day, International Emo Day, International Annoy Strangers into Giving Away Candy Day

  • 30 - Jesus performs another miracle, turning celery sticks into chocolate and regular corn into candy corn.
  • 475 - Romulus Augustulus is proclaimed Roman Emperor, while wearing a white toga over his head, with eye holes cut in it.
  • 1219 - The governor of Samarkand mistakes the army of Genghis Khan for a group of buddhist monks dressed up like the Khan's army, and opens the gates for them. Samarkand is sacked, looted, and burned, and the Khan is pissed off when the army returns home and has already eaten all the candy.
  • 1517 - The Protestant Reformation begins. After spending all week on his robot costume, Martin Luther dresses up and goes to the local church but they won't give him candy. He plays a trick on them spreading his theses all over the church door.
  • 1897 - The City of London's Best Halloween Costume prize is awarded to Oscar Wilde (for his clever Oscar Wilde costume)
  • 1927 - The October Uprising was rushed through on this day to save them changing all the letterheads.
  • 1956 - Suez Crisis: To force Egypt to reopen the Suez Canal, the United Kingdom and France begin a massive bombardment of Egypt using water balloons and raw eggs.
  • 1961 - In the Soviet Union, Joseph Stalin's frozen body is removed from Lenin's Tomb. Stalin's body is then dressed up as Frankenstein and then set outside Kruschev's house as part of a scary Halloween diorama. Communist Party members are initially outraged, but come around when Kruschev's house wins the USSR's Halloween house decoration contest.
  • 1969 - Women discover that instead of putting time into making an awesome constume they can just take a normal job uniform and slut it up a bit.
  • 1970 - Men ok with above.
  • 1980 - First Glam Rock conclave standarizes dressing like an idiot in the 80s.
  • 2002 - Evangelical Christians inaugurate Complain About Something Unimportant Again Day
  • 2005 - Dressing like an idiot now at a record high.
  • 2005 - Severe storm strikes Glace Bay, Nova Scotia producing eggs, fireworks, pumpkins, crab-apples, and rocks. Homes and cars are damaged and several police cruisers are damaged by intense rock showers.
  • 2006 - Washington D.C.'s "Scariest Halloween Costume" prize is awarded to Dick Cheney. Says Cheney, "But I didn't even dress up!"
  • 2007 - Millions revolt after International Dress Like an Idiot Day is renamed 'Hallowedwoon.' 1337 killed, 492 injured. 82 arrests have been made.
  • 2010 - The end is marked by children coming to your door and asking for candy.

See Also

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