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- 5000 BC - Chuck Norris kills the last mamooth.
- 1034 - Malcolm II of Scotland dies, leading Shakespeare to eventually pen The Scottish Play.
- 1622 - The toasted sandwich is invented in a joint venture by the Earl of Sandwich and the Duke of Toast.
- 1908 - After finding a tattoo of an ancient Chinese symbol on his left shoulder, Hitler learns he has invaded Poland.
- 1901 - Ernst Schrödinger, inventer of the Uncertainty Principle, was born on this day. Then again, maybe he wasn't.
- 1971 - Nixon bombs Massachusetts.
- 1997 - Princess Diana dies in Chunnel crash due to her driver getting a tattoo of 'I love Charlie' on his right buttock.
- 1999 - Bill Clinton promises that he will destroy the seed of George Herbert Walker Bush.
- 2004 - Crikey! John Howard apologises on behalf of Australia for Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunter.
- 2005 - Tax Freedom day in the EU!
- 2006 - Europeans give thanks for the farsighted move of kicking Ayn Rand off their continent.
- 2006 - Rush Limbaugh suffers great embarrassment after an assistant leaks information about his secret tattoo depicting two men engaging in immoral acts.
- 2006 - Wikipedia created the article Kanab Ambersnail after realizing that uncyclopedia has an article pertaining that topic while they did not.
- Now - You are on Uncyclopedia, reading this message.