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Kaiju fight

November 1: International Destroy Tokyo Day

  • 1053 - Birthday of Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster. Every year Nessie celebrates by not having her picture taken, then destroying Tokyo.
  • 1136 - Tokyo found destroyed. General consensus is that a wizard did it.
  • 1347 - Birthday of Vlad the Impaler, who later goes on to become Dracula. Every year he celebrates his birthday by impaling a few peasants. If no peasants are avaiable for impaling, he impales Tokyo.
  • 1512 - Michelangelo completes the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel; his wife complains that if he carries on at the same rate the wallpaper won't be up for Christmas, when she's invited her sister around. They have a row and she storms out, Valezquez and Raphael come around, crack open a few beers and then destroy Tokyo.
  • 1937 - Birthday of the chupacabra, which doesn't destroy Tokyo because it lives on a fucking island without one single boat. Bigfoot, however, teams up with a Yeti and destroys Tokyo.
  • 1945 - US bombs Tokyo for the heck of it; it doesn't work out so well.
  • 1950 - A series of horrific experiments to re-animate dead tissue result in the creation of Joseph Ratzinger. Tokyo was found destroyed a few days later.
  • 1952 - As part of the weapons program Operation Ivy, the U.S. successfully detonates a 10 megaton hydrogen bomb in Eniwetok atoll, located in the Marshall Islands. Most historians regard this as Godzilla's birthday. Godzilla celebrates it every year by attempting to destroy Tokyo, or, if Tokyo is under attack from another monster, by saving Tokyo.
  • 1952 - The next day, a loophole is discovered in that once Godzilla saves Tokyo, it is once again not under attack from another monster. Therefore, by the transitive property, if another monster attacks Tokyo, Godzilla destroys Tokyo.
  • 1953 - Mothra hatches from an egg, destroys Tokyo.
  • 1957 - Mothra finishes metamorphosis and changes from a destructive silkworm to a beautiful butterfly. Then it destroys Tokyo.
  • 1959 - An evil cult performs a dark ritual that results in the birth of one of the most terrifying monsters of all time: Dick Cheney. Cheney promptly goes out and destroys Tokyo.
  • 1965 - Birthday of Gamera. Gamera gets his ass handed to him before he can destroy Tokyo by Godzilla. Since Tokyo is now not in any immediate danger, Godzilla destroys Tokyo.
  • 1967 - The Japanese monster movies introduce their most terrifying monster character yet: "Hitler" - a human who attacks other nations without provocation and slaughters millions. His most successful movie, World War II, pits him against another monster, Stalin. Stalin is given eye beams to counter Hitler's flame-breath. In a strange turn of events, Tokyo is not destroyed. Modern science is baffled.
  • 2005 - Fisher Price is created. An innocent child uses one of his toys to destroy Tokyo. Child is no longer innocent.
  • 2009 - Billy Mays found dead. Underneath his bed, police investigators find plans for an invention to destroy Tokyo. The world mourns his loss by building his dream machine and use it to destroy Tokyo. Afterwards, the rest of the world is not satisfied, so they use the machine to destroy half of the USA as well.
  • 2023 - In a major upset, the Dolphins win the Superbowl. The team and its seventeen fans celebrate by destroying Tokyo.
  • 2157 - Using their newly invented time machine, scientists of Tokyo look into the future to predict when Tokyo will next be destroyed. The day before it is, they take initiative and destroy themselves to piss off the would-be destroyers. With Tokyo destroyed by Tokyo, the world was happy. There was much rejoicing.

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MrT-stained-glass

November 2: All Soul Food Day

  • 30 - Jesus Christ gives his first public performance, with supporting act Judas Iscariot and his Breakdancing Badgers.
  • 1687 - Exactly the same events happen on this day as they will on July 2nd, 1991.
  • 1765 - James Brown eats his soul, hence All Soul Food Day is declared. Satan is supposedly interested.
  • 1872 - Oscar Wilde invents carrots.
  • 1896 - Queen Victoria consumes the soul of George Washington and as a result, invents the iron testicle. The occasion of her death will be marked by the invention of the steam testicle.
  • 1889 - The tallest man in the world destroys Great Yarmouth by taking two steps east. It still hasn't been rebuilt.
  • 1982 - Countdown starts early and students are happy, throwing away David Dickinson into a pile of trash, which sparks his love for antiques.
  • 1987 - Pismo Beach wiped out by a tsunami. Bugs Bunny grateful he took a left at Albuquerque.
  • 1997 - Where the fuck is Wycliffe?
  • 2007 - Tokyo has had enough of this shit and decides to blow up everything on the planet. In an ironic twist, Tokyo destroys Tokyo. Will Smith survives.
  • 2015 - Mr T returns the souls of all those he has ever pitied; realizing he has lost his powers, he goes on a pitying spree and brings humanity to the brink of extinction.
  • 2016 - Mr T saves the human race by having sex with every women on the planet.
  • 2237 - George Jetson dies. His boy Elroy is unable to attend. Daughter Judy's husband, Punch, delivers eulogy. Jane, his wife, devastated. Due to time issues, The Flintstones are unable to attend.

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BigBrother

November 3: Thoughtcrime Day (Airstrip One), 3rd Bolognese (First Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster)

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2008 US election

November 4: Artifical Limb Awareness Diurnal Period

  • 1 CE - Jesus born. Judaism prepares for storm, as Jesus sports an artificial positronic brain, contrary to scripture.
  • 200 - Oedipus: One Bad Mothafucka drops, released on Mythic Records, goes triple platinum.
  • 1600 and something - Descartes decides the mind is separate from the body, through logical reasoning and skeptical doubt. Jewishism prepares for storm, as minds are contrary to scripture.
  • 1617 - William Shakespeare arrested for posting his crabs to The Spanish Inquisition. Nobody expected that!
  • 1939 - After centuries of waiting, Judaism gets its storm.
  • 2001 - God wins Mega-Ball lottery. Fix suspected.
  • 2006 - Ikea declares war on Hinduism.
  • 2007 – Sikorsky Aircraft and Swarovski Crystal merge and become Sikofwarskiski Crystal Aircraft. Their first project code named “The Flying Glass Thingy” shatters into a million pieces upon landing, rendering it useless. U.S. government purchases 2,839 units.
  • 2008 - Thanks to ACORN, Americans can vote in the 2008 United States Presidential Election on Uncyclopedia.
  • 2008 - George W. Bush defeats Saddam Hussein in the United States Presidential Election of 2008.
  • 2009 - List of people who steal lists is stolen.
  • 2012 - Mexicans win gold, silver, and bronze in Olympic lawnmowing.
  • 2013 - Australian federal election won unanimously by the country's new "democratic" leader identifying himself only as LMS and ruling with an iron fist. All poor people immediately evicted from country. Economy booms.
  • 2030 - We lose Waldo.
  • 2517 - Malcolm Reynolds is elected president. His 7-year term was abruptly cancelled after only 11 weeks.

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Explosion

November 5: Remember, remember, the fifth of November: Explode The Government Day (Britain)

  • 1000 - I go back in time with a car. I blow said car up to fuck with the natives but unknowingly, I have invented the car bomb for future generations.
  • 1605 - The Parliament building fails to explode. Hundreds of offers pour in from many organizations and countries offering tips and advice on how to do it.
  • 1652 - Oliver Cromwell performs a perfect 10 in his Olympic performance of spontaneous combustion.
  • 1793 - Robespierre and his crew, the Guillo-Teens, drop their big hit Fuk da Police.
  • 1854 - Anonymous inventor skinned while testing early hydraulic barber chair.
  • 1900 - Despite widespread panic and rumors in proposition, Big Ben doesn't explode, but the Prime Minister does.
  • 1934 - Vito Corleone refuses an offer and gets an idea.
  • 1955 - Old Man Peabody's pine trees are destroyed by a 1981 DeLorean driven by Marty McFly.
  • 1984 - Despite the Brotherhood's efforts, Big Brother is not wounded in a suicide bombing. Let's thank him for increasing our chocolate to 20 grams!
  • 1987 - Margaret Thatcher's imminent Silent But Deadly reaches critical mass and explodes in her intestine.
  • 1996 - Bickering in Parliament over the proper pronunciation of tyranny escalates to two fatalities in the House of Lords by cranial explosion.
  • 1997 - V is for Vendetta is released. Halloween mask makers with excess stock rejoice.
  • 2001 - Terrorists try to blow up Parliament. Tony Blair initiates the War on Catholics.
  • 2003 - Catholics win by recruiting Emo Hitler.
  • 2005 - The first time machine is built in 12 seconds and malfunctions, causing Earth to be turned into bacon.
  • 2006 - Vatican City falls to Tony Blair and Robocop. Dispute over who gets to be Pope begins. End of the Five-Day War somewhat overshadowed by this event.

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No image

The earliest Rickroll video with Rickus Astlius of Sparta, recorded at around 475 BCE.

November 6: Spartan Rickroll Day

  • 480 BCE - the first Rickroll pranks Spartan forces in the Battle of Thermopylae, when the entire Persian army appears to attack at once but stops just short of the Spartan battle line. Rick Astley then emerges from the hordes and begins to sing. As it would be done far in the future, several well-placed javelins would settle the matter.
  • c.450 BCE - The first LOST episode originates from this date.
  • 437 BCE - The first Krypton Factor episode, hosted by Gordonus Burnium XLIX, originates from this date.
  • 350 - Roman Emperor Constantine imposes a ban on Rickroll.
  • 360 - Roman Emperor Constantine's ban on Rickroll is lifted: Julian just got Rickroll'd.
  • 1064 - The earliest form of Euro-Uncyclopedia, was built in Normandy using menhirs and old Fernandel jokes.
  • 1845 - Kate Austen travels back to this time and demonstrates a way to view Rickroll videos without getting Rickroll'd. It is simpler than thought, yet it was Lost for many years.
  • 1862 - At exactly 15:59 GMT for two hours, nobody in Colombia was in prison.
  • 1997 - XNYAPHPCRUTGPL (X-Men's Not Yet Another PHP: Hypertext Preprocessor Clone Released Under The GNU's Not Unix Public License) is released.

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Leafblower job

November 7: Blowjob Appreciation Day (Canada)

  • 521 - The Visigoths opt out of sacking Rome for the third time in a row, preferring to sit around in the dark and complain about how horrible life is while listening to whiny synthesized music.
  • 1951 - General Jack Ripper becomes the first and last man to reject a blowjob in order to preserve the purity of his bodily fluids.
  • 1985 - The People's Republic of Lasconia nuked off the map and subsequently wiped from everyone's memory.
  • 1993 - The state of Iowa closes for cleaning.
  • 1996 - NASA launches the Mars Global Surveyor to search the universe for Mars Bars.
  • 1999 - President Bill Clinton, a native-born Canadian, celebrates his favorite Canadian holiday. Republicans feel left out.
  • 2005 - Kate Bush's first album in 27 years, the 27 disk set Antenna, is released in 27 countries simultaneously with only 27 copies available in each, selling out in 27 minutes.
  • 2006 - Stephen Fry suicide bombs the houses of Parliament and the White House simultaneously. his last words are, 'Don't fuck with Shakespeare! He's watching you!!'
  • 2006 - The US midterm erections are marked by a series of negative political adverts and lots of Viagra. (Oops, did I say 'Viagra'? I meant 'pee pee medicine'.)
  • 2007 - Gregorian calendar is rearranged into 13 months. Each month is now comprised of 4 weeks of 7 days. The extra month is placed between July and August and is called Fred. New Years Eve is discarded as a day 'just to make it all work nicely'. As a result, each 364 day year has no ending and the space time continuum is tossed into an infinite loop. This minor oversight is rectified the day before our universe fades out of existence.

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ERECTOR-SET

November 8: Erectional Pleasure Day

  • 1000000 BCE - On the plains of Africa, the Australopithecus encounters an eerie black monolith, and for the first time in history, stands erect. Moments later, with Also sprach Zarathustra blaring in the background, the Australopithecus realizes his hands are now free, and begins to experiment with tool use. If you know what I mean.
  • 2059 BCE - Taj Mahal, "Man's greatest erection for a woman" built in India.
  • 1173 - The leaning tower of Pisa gives the first sign of its famous erectile dysfunction problem.
  • 1889 - Eiffel Tower erected, giving pleasure to all Parisians who deny any symbolic aspect to it but giggle while saying it.
  • 1895 - Wilhelm Conrad Röntgen discovers x-ray specs.
  • 1901 - Washington Monument erected as a reminder to all American men that their penis is more important than diplomacy.
  • 1923 - Joey gets a new erector set. He receives pleasure from it. (pictured)
  • 1972 - Man gets first erection on the Moon.
  • 1973 - The right ear of John Paul Getty III is delivered to a newspaper together with a ransom note, convincing his father to pay US$2.9 million. For some strange reason it gives Getty Jr. a hard-on.
  • 1989 - Terrorist organization Hamas superglues an 8-foot fake rubber crocodile to the Wailing Wall sparking outrage.
  • 2004 - War in Iraq: More than 10,000 U.S. troops and a small number of Iraqi army units participate in a siege on the insurgent stronghold of Fallujah. Dick Cheney pops major wood.
  • 2006 - World declares national holiday as men of every race and religion appreciate their erection. Lesbians are outraged. Gays celebrate through an ancient Gay dance.
  • 2006 - Grand Canyon joins lesbians in outrage; Mount Everest gets very excited.

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Wikilogo

November 9: NWS Day (UK), New South Wales (NSW) Day (Wales), NSFW Day (Pornovia)

  • 10000 BCE - The wheel is invented by some caveman which immediately runs him over.
  • 631 - Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. Good for him.
  • 1939 - Element 377, Kittenhufnium, is first isolated by scientists. They were trying to synthesize THC.
  • 1949 - China invades Tibet, granting the Tibetans unlimited religious freedom, as Buddhists around the world rejoice.
  • 1951 - The day the Earth stood still.
  • 1970 - Charles de Gaulle, President of France, passes away. His death is mourned by a solemn moment of waving white flags.
  • 1973 - Down goes Frazier.
  • 1989 - Down goes the Berlin Wall.
  • 1994 - Suicide bombers pilot the Disneyland Skyway into the Matterhorn.
  • 2006 - The Republican Party, angry at the world for having the crazy liberals beat them like they stole something from them huddle together in a corner and cry like babies.
  • 2008 - Osama Bin Laden purchases Sunoco gas stations and renames them SunOSama. David Berkowitz unamused.

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Yoda

Talk funny, I do not.

November 10: Like Yoda Talking, International Day of, International Videogame Day

  • 1604 - Shakespeare says, "To be, or to be not."
  • 1863 - Gettysburg at, Abraham Lincoln declares "Our Fathers this continent a new nation brought forth, proposition that equality all men have and liberty was conceived therein, seven and four score years ago."
  • 1927 - Lenin accidentally orders execution of 10,000 Russian oligarchs imitating master Yoda with the words "Execute, do not, forgive".
  • 1940 - Winston Churchill proclaims, "On the beaches, fight them, we will."
  • 1962 - President John F. Kennedy says "Moon we choose in this decade to go, easy not because of, but hard."
  • 1965 - The Rolling Stones release Satisfaction I cannot get.
  • 1967 - Mick Jagger states, "To meet you, pleased I am. Guess my name, hope you I."
  • 1969 - Created, Sesame Street was.
  • 1984 - Watching you, Big Brother is.
  • 1992 - Michael Stipe declares, "In the corner, me that is. In the spotlight, me that is. Losing my religion, I am."
  • 1994 - Born he was, the Foosa of eighty, the human name of Andrew Donohue, he assumed. Cared, nobody did.
  • 1997 - Bjork "Full of love, all is."
  • 1998 - President Bill Clinton states "Sexual relations with that woman, I had not"
  • 1998 - Britney Spears sings "One more time baby, hit me you shall."
  • 2000 - Aerosmith sings "Like a lady, Dude looks." and "A gun, Janie's got."
  • 2002 - President Bush declares "Attack Iraq, that we must."
  • 2003 - Condoleeza Rice declares "Smoking gun we do not want if shape of mushroom cloud it may be."
  • 2004 - Tony Blair declares "Find WMD's, we must!"
  • 2005 - Kanye West declares "Care about black people, George Bush does not."
  • 2005 - Deny the above claim, George Bush does.
  • 2005 - Bush declares "Uh, um, forget my line I did." Yoda , "Lost a line, President Bush has. Very embarrasing it is, very embarrasing," replies.
  • 2006 - 5 hours after the Playstation 3 was released, bankrupt, Sony becomes. (or a crapload of money Sony gets, one of those, hmm?).
  • 2008 - Cancer Weebul Bull dies of.
  • 2009 - President Obama said "Do it we can".
  • 2009 - Released to public, Modern Warfare 2 was supposed to be. Not released, it was. Riot, the nerds do.

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Red war llama

November 11: Red Warmongering Llama Day, First World War Appreciation Day (Commonwealth States)

  • 1914 - Archduke Franz Ferdinand is assassinated in Bosnia. His final words are: "I know I won't be leaving here (with you)." While people are still wondering what the hell he meant, war is declared against France.
  • 1914 - 12:15PM: France surrenders.
  • 1916 - Soviet Russia established, and nothing bad happens to the Russians again. Ever. Instead, the Russians happen to something bad.
  • 1918 - After four bloody years of battle, the first World War finally comes to an end on November 11, 1911 at twelve minutes past eleven o'clock. Wilson takes too long in signing the papers and spoils the symmetry.
  • 1918 - 13:51PM: France claims its total surrender was a tactical ploy to draw the enemy onto their battlefield of choice.
  • 1919 - Armour plated Llamas invade Vienna. They are barbecued inside their armour with flamethrowers and eaten as soup. Cracker sellers are kept busy.
  • 1920 - Llamas in tanks annex Austro-Hungary. They eat all humans they can find in a cheese and white whine sauce.
  • 1922 - In a widely-criticized, conservative move, writer Kurt Vonnegut is born.
  • 1924 - Llamas gain the vote; Emmeline Pankhust is stunned.
  • 1932 - Hitler holds his first country-wide orgy.
  • 1945 - In response to a ravaged Europe following World War II, the Dolly Llama proposes a 'let's all chew on a big tin can' policy.
  • 1946 - The sixth and final part of the WWII saga is released (Episode VI: THE RETURN OF THE BOMBERS) to mixed results by critics.
  • 1975 - The day after the Edmund Fitzgerald sinks with a load of llamas, Gordon Lightfoot releases a ballad by the same name leading to speculation he orchestrated the tragedy.
  • 1983 - Pop sensations Llamarama reach the top of the UK singles charts.
  • 1985 - Austrian rock singer Falco records "Rock Me Amadeus". Llamas find they cannot hum along to it.
  • 1987 - Andre the Giant famously disrupts the 2-minute silence at 11AM in the United Kingdom after needing a dump in Australia. Cannon-ball size lumps of lethal feces explode the toilet, and most of the area around him. Steve Irwin is sent to wrestle Andre down, but loses, and is nearly killed after being thrown from Perth to North America.
  • 1991 The Czech Republic and Slovakia officially split, citing irreconcilable differences.

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Lightning awareness

November 12: Lightning Awareness Day (worldwide), Scheissenfest (Austria), Japanese Remembrance Day (Japan)

  • 1513 - In one of his lesser known works, Mein Scheisskampf, Martin Luther claims to have gotten into a battle with the devil, flinging his scheisse as a weapon. No shit.
  • 1620 - A number of pirates shipwreck on a gigantic rock off the Massachusetts coast. In a measure to combat cannibalism amongst the surviving members, the Mayflower Compact is signed. In the end, however, nine are eaten with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
  • 1775 - American Revolutionary War: the Continental Congress passes a resolution creating two battalions of mimes, later renamed the United States Mime Corps. They are primarily used as human shields.
  • 1934 - Over a largish tankard of Guinness, the Irish House of Commons makes buggery illegal.
  • 1880 - Ned Kelly is hanged in Australia for beating around the bush.
  • 1881 - The third elemental form of lightning is created. Worshipers rejoice, detractors masturbate silently.
  • 1889 - Washington is admitted as a state of the Union; is propped up at a podium to give a speech despite the obvious decay.
  • 1918 - Germany signs a pact to be prissy for the next twenty-one years until an Austrian prick screws it all up.
  • 1930 - Albert Einstein and some dude you don't know receive a patent for the Einstein refrigerator. No bullshit.
  • 1955 - Marty McFly completes the first successful time travel experiment after lightning strikes the Hill Valley clock tower.
  • 1996 - The Paris Hilton opens for its first customer.
  • 1998 - Marty McFly travels in time to record a porn video with Paris Hilton. It becomes known as Knock the Back Outta Ya 2.
  • 2007 - Doritos chili cheese lime are invented, thus changing the future of crunchy snacks as we know it.

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Dutch duck

November 13: Quack Like a Duck Day, Feast of Hermaphrodite

  • 10,000 BCE - Humans begin destroying the forest, driving out bears and things.
  • 7,573 BCE - Hermes and Aphrodite have a lovely bouncing boy, Hermaphroditus. This proves problematic when he falls out of his crib.
  • 7,558BCE - Hermaphroditus gets into a swimming pool with Salmacis, and 2 becomes 1.
  • 1 BCE - New way of counting up instead of down, ADD, proposed, but no one finishes project off.
  • 832 - Saint Anselm is permabanned from the Vatican for setting fire to the Pope.
  • 1915 - French Army phases out custard pies as infantry weapons, replaces them with hand-buzzers.
  • 1932 - William Butler Yeats marries his dog Chico.
  • 1972 - Mediocre Britain votes on whether to join the European Community. Turnout is low, "yes" carries the day with a result of 6-4.
  • 1978 - While starring in an open air production of Shakespeare's Henry V, Sir John Gielgud is carried off by a hunting kingfisher. He is found unharmed some hours later, having tricked the bird into incubating his egg-like head.
  • 1992 - The title of world's first penguin to eat rocks is taken by Magiwatoo, a penguin from Chilean waters.
  • 1990 - The first webcomic is launched, entitled Two Sarcastic Badgers and Some Clipart.
  • 2009 - It is officially announced that the language of Liverpool is Quack. Every Liverpudlian goes quackin crazy.
  • 2015 - The French get tired of rioting, someone quacks for comedic value, rioting ensues.
  • 2063 - Jacob von Hogflume, inventor of Time travel, is born in a log cabin in 1864.

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Brobdingnagian

November 14: Brobdingnagian Word Day, Super-Ultra-Mega (SUM) Excitement Over Nothing Day, Jokes That Don't Make Sense Day (Albanina)

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Devil

Santa, the source of all iguana ailments.

November 15: Awareness in Iguanas Awareness Week begins

  • 438 - Saint Patrick drives the snakes from Ireland. Iguanas are only offered bus vouchers.
  • 1491 - Christopher Columbus arrives at the New World, only to be told that he is a year early.
  • 1533 - Francisco Pizarro arrives in Cuzco, Peru. He notices that the iguanas have unusually piercing stares but firm, lovely bodies.
  • 1853 - Deep in the Amazon, Brazilian missionaries discover the phrase, "Cogito, ergo sum" scraped onto a tree, apparently by the claws of some medium-sized reptile.
  • 1888 - Iguana hoagies, foot-long sandwiches on a roll, become briefly popular. It is later found that people in most other places cook the iguana first.
  • 1941 - SS chief Heinrich Himmler orders the arrest and deportation to concentration camps of all homosexuals in Germany. The German Army, once the most fashionable in the world, soon find themselves poorly groomed and wearing fatigues that clash with their boots.
  • 1964 - Mary Poppins donates a spoonful of sugar and the handsome sum of 21 guineas to the Arthritic Iguana Foundation after her beloved pet Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious dies screaming horribly from Mad Iguana Disorder, a disease closely related to Arthritic Iguana Ailment.
  • 1969 - Vietnam War: In Washington, D.C., 250,000-500,000 iguanas stage a peaceful demonstration against the war.
  • 1982 - Wikipedia destroys the Andromeda Galaxy. The destruction has not been seen yet due to the slowness of light speed.
  • 1990 - Producers acknowledge that Milli Vanilli, who won the 1990 "Best New Artist" Grammy Award, did not sing on their album. Vocals were sung by a couple of iguanas with vocoders.
  • 2001 - Microsoft releases the Xbox. The most popular game is Hi/Lo, a cooking game starring a cyborg known only as the "Master Chef". It is set in a futuristic spaceship and challenges the player to serve up meals for an entire ship, sometimes using alien cooking implements. The game is regarded as a classic in the "First Person Cooker" genre.
  • 2006 - Santa continues to plot total world domination.
  • 2016 - 84% of Americans suffer from thumb arthritis due to excessive use of the text message. JubJub, the first reptilian virtuous assistant, proves to be extremely popular despite problems with Salmonella transmission.

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Elmo

November 16: The Solution Is in Your Hands Day

  • 1532 - The Inca Empire decides to convert themselves to Christianity when the emperor receives a message from God in the form of a large bribe.
  • 1536 - Inca warriors land in Spain and begin converting it to a Christian country.
  • 1776 - American Revolutionary War: Hessian mercenaries capture Fort Washington from the New England Patriots. Startled revolutionaries say, "what the fuck is a Hessian?"
  • 1846 - The letters "æ, ø, å" are invented by Emily Dickinson. She states that she needed a little time off and that she was really bored in the 19th century.
  • 1904 - John Ambrose Fleming invents the vacuum tube. The vacuum tube makes possible electronics and early computers, and it is therefore considered a major advance over the tube full of air.
  • 1915 - Albert Einstein solves the problem of Uncyclopedia's many inconsistencies and contradictions, which scientists had been trying to solve for centuries. His theory states that in fact space-time is inconsistent, and Uncyclopedia simply follows a geodesic line through it.
  • 1920 - Qantas, the national airline of Australia, is registered as an air carrier. The first Qantas airliners are Douglas DC-3s equipped with a pouch on the underside to carry passengers.
  • 1960 - Clark Gable passes away. Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.
  • 2001 - Elmo (pictured) goes on a killing spree, attacking and consuming 4923 children attending a Sesame Street convention.
  • 2002 - The First Kandahar International Film Festival is held. All filmmakers in attendance are hanged afterwards as heathens.
  • 2005 - The 100th anniversary celebration of the Feast of Saint Bukkake is cancelled after the star of the feast declares "I'm full"!
  • 2006 - Paris Hilton... bukkake... Ah, this is just too easy, in my eyes.

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Bjork wearing kill

November 17: Björksmas (Iceland).

  • 1558 - Elizabethan era begins: Queen Mary I of England dies and is succeeded by her half-sister Elizabeth XP.
  • 1796 - Napoleonic Wars, Battle of Arcole: French forces defeat the Austrians in Italy. Despite the victory, French forces surrender 15 minute later, citing "force of habit".
  • 1863 - Siege of Knoxville begins: Confederate forces led by General James Longstreet place Johnny Knoxville under siege; Steve-O manages to escape in a daring skateboard stunt.
  • 1871 - The NRA is granted a charter by the state of New York, they celebrate by accidentally shooting people.
  • 1903 - The Russian Social Democratic Labor Party splits into two groups; the Bolsheviks (Russian for "majority") and Milkshakes (Russian for "minority"). (NOTE: Later the Milkshakes became the majority party, meaning that technically the Milkshakes became the bolsheviks and the Bolsheviks milkshakes).
  • 1967 - Vietnam War: Acting on optimistic reports he was given on November 13, US President Lyndon B. Johnson tells his nation that, while much remained to be done, "We are inflicting greater losses than we're taking... we are making progress." Johnson goes on to say that after he wins in Vietnam, he will attempt to bring law and order to Afghanistan, impose democracy on Iraq, and stage a winter assault on Moscow.
  • 1969 - Negotiators from the Soviet Union and the United States meet in Helsinki to begin SALT I negotiations aimed at limiting the amount of sodium in fast food.
  • 1970 - The Soviet Union lands the probe Lunokhod 1 on Mare Inebrium (Sea of Rains) on the Moon. NASA says that it's the first roving remote-controlled robot to land on another world. But then again, they also say that we can't live on the sun.
  • 1970 - Douglas Engelbart receives the patent for the first computer mouse. The revolutionary invention will allow men to search for porn with only one hand.
  • 1973 - In Orlando, Florida, US President Richard Nixon tells 400 Associated Press managing editors "I am not a crook". Moments later he swipes one of their wallets.
  • 2003 - Arnold Schwarzenegger is inaugurated Governor of California, announces that he intends to cut the state's deficit, improve education, and find a woman named "Sarah Connor".
  • 2006 -The Playstation 3 is released in America at $599. 200 will later be chained together and used to crack SSL authentication, with more added in later years to form the kernel of Skynet.

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Die William Tell

November 18: Constantly Hum the William Tell Overture Day, World Kool-Aid Day

  • 1307 - William Tell (pictured) shoots an apple off his son's head. What they don't tell in the history books is that before this day, Tell had thirteen other children.
  • 1626 - Due to an unfortunate typo, St. Peter's Basilica is accidentally desecrated instead of consecrated.
  • 1928 - Release of the animated short Steamboat Willie, directed by Walt Disney. The copyright on this film is expected to expire when the sun exhausts its hydrogen and enters a red giant phase, or perhaps somewhat afterwards.
  • 1972 - Angela Griffith is the first woman to ingest five times her weight in broccoli. Tragically, she dies after the resultant flatulence blows her to bits. A statue probably will be erected in her memory, somewhere or other.
  • 1978 - Jonestown incident: In Guyana, Jim Jones leads his Peoples Temple cult in a mass murder-suicide that claims 918 lives, leading Kool-Aid to revoke their sponsorship of Jones.
  • 2001 - The Nintendo GameCube is released. It sells considerably better than the Nintendo Hypercube, which requires users to push buttons in four dimensions.
  • 2009 - Spongebob Square pants attempts to try on round pants. The resulting wedgie places him in a 2-month-long coma.

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STFUing

November 19: Thankstealing Day, Anarchy Awareness Day (worldwide)

  • 2500 BCE - Pharaoh Whahuti invents the phrase 'thank you' and requests the phrase to be planted on every garbage can.
  • 461 - St. Hilarius becomes Pope. Ironically, his pontificate turns out to be only mildly amusing.
  • 1620 - Puritans get food from Native Americans, then drive them away and take their land to begin an American tradition.
  • 1716 - Sir Isaac Newton coins the phrase 'Thanks a lot!'. Unfortunately, it gets no recognition among trash men.
    • Seconds later, he coins the phrase 'Don't mention it'.
  • 1848 - Irish potato famine enters its 115th day; President James K. Polk heard to utter 'I am heartened to discover that the potatoes of Ireland have finally liberated themselves.'
  • 1850 - Oscar Wilde invents plagiarism. Only on this one day of the year can people freely steal other's hard work and claim it as their own.
  • 1942 - World War II, Battle of Stalingrad: Soviet Union forces under General Zhukov launch the Operation Uranus counterattacks, turning the tide of the battle in the USSR's favor. Zhukov hurts himself trying to keep from laughing when, during the middle of the battle, Stalin radios for information and asks him, "How's Uranus?"
  • 1984 - Big Brother is thanked for giant telescreens everywhere. Isn't that Jobs fellow a cracker?
  • 2008 - Highschool Musical 3 and Kung Fu Panda paraphernalia (free with any purchase of anything) join forces to become the largest distribution of propaganda the world has ever known.

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Sophia-red

November 20: Almighty Sophia Day

  • 500 BCE - Greeks invent philosophy(filos=love, (of) Sophia).
  • 479 BCE - Sophia invents boobs , millions stare.
  • 284 - Dodecahedron becomes Roman Emperor.
  • c.350 - The Church of Saint Sophia is built in Bulgaria, the name rendered as "Sofia" based on cyrillic transliteration. Other churches would soon be built in Mu, Krakatau (Krakatoa) Island, Antarctica, Turkey, California (Los Angeles), earning the wrath of Cthulhu followers.
  • 403 - The Hagia Sophia is completed in Constantinople. Her majestic domes are just huge.
  • 1453 - Turks capture Constantinople and rename it "Is Stan Bull", adding minarets as phallic symbols around the Hagia Sophia.
  • 1910 - Mexican Revolution begins. Mexicans get some Madero and Porfirio Díaz is not amused at all.
  • 1910 - (about 1 PM): Siesta in Mexico. Revolution is postponed.
  • 1917 - World War I, Battle of Cambrai begins: the Allies make surprise attack on the German trenches while the soldiers are transfixed on Sophia's Invention.
  • 1950 - Sophia Loren enters puberty. The Acme Hand Lotion Company sees its stock quadruple almost overnight.
  • 1958 - Sophia films Boy on a Dolphin. Years later, Michael Jackson will purchase rights for the remake.
  • 1988 - Pac-Man and Miss Pac-Man wed amid concerns over their identical surnames.
  • 2028 - After 40 years of marriage, Pac-Man tragically dies whilst at work, Mrs Pac-Man disbands the Pac-Man series of games. Forum riots ensue.

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Couch potato

November 21: International Couch Potato Day

  • 1783 - Oprah and Shoobily Boobily ze French Guy had the first untethered hot balls flight.
  • 1847 - The Great Irish Potato Famine reduces the number of couch potatoes in Scotland and Ireland by 25%. Tragically, this results in a global Deep-fried Mars Bar recession.
  • 1877 - Thomas Edison announced his invention of the pornograph.
  • 1963 - Lee Harvey Oswald gets laid for the last time.
  • 1969 - The first AARPNET link was established.
  • 1987 - Morrissey becomes the first person ever to be eaten by a grue and live. Annoyed, the grue eats him again.
  • 1996 - Couch Potato Day is established to encourage nations to collectively sit on their asses watching pointless programs at the same time. Scheduled Programs for this day included 100 Ways to Watch Paint Dry, and 20 Things You Didn't Know About Carpet.
  • 2002 - NATO invites Bulimia, A Stoner, Laffy Taffy, Lithium-Ion, Ramen-Mania, Slavekia and Slavekneea to become members.
  • 2003 - Megatron destroys the Earth, only for it to be remade by Ultra Jesus.
  • 2004 - I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus distributes Nintendo DS systems to cheering (m)asses in Nude York Shitty.
  • 3503 - God purchases for Earth the expansion pack, Earth, 21st Century Terror. We all love him for that, don't we?

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MillionCybermanMarch

November 22: Conspiracy Theory Appreciation Day (not to be celebrated for some reason)

  • 1812 - The Most Holy St. Sophia Puzzle Potato is officially rediscovered. Citizens everywhere rejoice in secret.
  • 1910 - Hekyll and Jekyll secretly meet to create the Federal Reserve System.
  • 1932 - The first time machine is successfully tested.
  • 1945 - Nazis accidentally explode a nuclear bomb in Dresden. Allied air forces are subsequently blamed for mass firebombing.
  • 1952 - In Guatemala, a CIA operation gives start to a era of brutal military dictatorships sponsored by the US government in Latin America ... wait... that's not funny...
  • 1957 - The Invisible Wallet of Gold is stolen in Manchester, England. A local swan is blamed.
  • 1963 - President Kennedy is accidentally assassinated by an angry, confused polar bear. The bear plants the gun on a napping Lee Harvey Oswald and escapes in a get-away sled. Nobody looks into it very much.
  • 1963 - Absolutely nothing happened. You hear me? Nothing. If you heard otherwise, it's a filthy Communist lie.
  • 1965 - The Wachowskis are invented by The Matrix to steal future CGI secrets.
  • 1968 - Stanley Kubrick begins secret filming of the Moon landing aided by space aliens and several people that live there.
  • 1970 - The Million Cyberman March (pictured) is held in Washington, DC. Conspiracy theorists claim that it was actually a failed invasion from outer space.
  • 1983 - America's largest tin foil hat manufacturer is shut down – at the same time as a record number of "communications satellites" are sent into orbit by NASA.
  • 1985 - 1985th anniversary of going to bed on November 21 and waking up on November 23 mysteriously in a different position than when you went to sleep.
  • 1986 - Hands Across America is celebrated at the same time as secret evidence is presented during the Iran-Contra trial.
  • 1989 - The remains of JFK's brain is grafted into a 150 foot tall, titanium, laser-eyed, nuclear-powered robot to celebrate the anniversary of his death. JFK-9000 runs amuck and is subsequently destroyed by Godzilla, who had to be flown in especially from Tokyo.
  • 1992 - Mossad agents from the future assassinate Sam Weaver in Ruby Ridge for "unknown reasons".
  • 1997 - INXS lead singer Michael Hutchence debuts his hit single Noose Sensation.
  • 2000 - Shadow Internet #1 created. Subsequent internets are created in the coming years.
  • 2000 - John Titor stops by for a chat on his way back to 2136.
  • 2001 - George W. Bush places blame on Afghanistan for a terra-ist attack 11 days earlier, when in actuality he did it in order to have an excuse to declare war.
  • 2005 - Federal government attempt to reduce surplus population in New Orleans; it fails with just over 700 deaths.
  • 2006 - South Park exposes 2001 conspiracy as a conspiracy; Bush is found to be too stupid to blow up planes.
  • 2048 - The first time machine is invented.
  • 2066 - The second time machine is invented to go retrieve the crucial parts of the earlier time machine which blew up in New Orleans in 2005 causing 700 deaths.

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Golf trophy

The sweet taste of victory.

November 23: Official Lucky Glass Golf Trophy Meets Blonde Girl Who Wins at Golf Day

  • 323 BCE - Creation of golf (Gentlemen only ladies forbidden).
  • 265 BCE - Golf drops the acronym and lets anyone play.
  • 108 BCE - Creation of the first golf trophy.
  • 14 BCE - First golf trophy competition.
  • 7 BCE - Creation of glass.
  • 45 CE - Creation of glass golf trophy.
  • 924 - Creation of luck.
  • 1337 - Creation of Lucky Glass Golf Trophy.
  • 1502 - Creation of blonde girl.
  • 1503 - Creation of first blonde joke.
  • 1792 - Creation of blonde girl who plays golf.
  • 1824 - Creation of Blonde Girl Who Wins at Golf.
  • 1825-2664 - Every year on this day, Blonde Girl Who Wins at Golf wins at golf and wins Lucky Glass Golf Trophy.
  • 2665 - Abolition of glass, luck and blonde girls.

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Sgt best

November 24: Pete Best's Birthday (US, UK)

  • 1601 - Pilgrims celebrate the first Thanksgiving. Pete Best wonders why there is no Thanksgiving in the UK until he realizes that the English have nothing to give thanks for.
  • 1859 - The great prophet Charles Darwin publishes his manifesto The Origin of Species, predicting the eventual birth of Pete Best.
  • 1941 - Pete Best is kicked out of mother's womb.
  • 1946 - Teacher sends note home to Best's parents, complaining about his sullenness and unwillingness to play bass with other children.
  • 1951 - Mother auditions George Best as possible replacement in the family.
  • 1955 - Best learns to play drums. Snares, bass and drumsticks go off and socialize with one another, leaving Best out.
  • 1960 - Best makes trip to Germany; greeted with cries of "Rammstein forever, Pete Best never!"
  • 1961 - Best drums for Tony Sheridan; burns Georgia with Phil Sheridan.
  • 1962 - The Beatles record demo version of "Love Me Do;" original chorus of "We hate our fucking drummer" goes unnoticed.
  • 1962 - George Harrison stares icily at Best during a performance; Paul McCartney kicks his drum set during rehearsal; John Lennon hires Brian Epstein solely to fire Best.
  • 1962 - Best kicked out of the Beatles.
  • 1964 - Best kicked out of England; Elizabeth II says her kingdom "wants to go in a new direction."
  • 1968 - Best briefly kicked back into Beatles when Ringo leaves during White Album sessions; quits when he realizes he'll lose his job a second time to a guy named "Ringo."
  • 1971 - Alice Cooper jumps from a plane and disappears, after collecting a ransom which includes US$200,000 and a Pete Best box set.
  • 1984 - Fozzie Bear tragically dies of a heart-attack. His mother blames Pete Best.
  • 1993 - David Dickinson makes headline news after cutting off negotiations to be in the Doom video game.
  • 1995 - Release of Beatles Anthology allows new generation of fans to kick Pete Best around.
  • 2000 - Pete Best briefly dies for 4 minutes before coming to life thanks to magic.
  • 2012 - Best celebrates 50th anniversary of Love Me Do release. He is smuggled into and out of the party by Ringo, who has Best hide in the boot of his limo. Ringo forgets to let Best out until 2014.

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Tattoo-back

November 25: Feel Vague Anxiety Whilst Examining a Tattoo You Got on a Drunken Impulse Day

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NoAbstinence

November 26: National Day (the Republic of Bulimia), International Abstinence Rejection Day

  • 1528 - Rabbits, who were for so long the world's dominant species, become stupid and incompetent by staring out to sea to look for carrots.
  • 1622 - Tony Blair rejects the invention of a sandwich. Fish and chips are hereby the 'standard' lunch item for schoolboys. Oscar Wilde moonwalks at a nightclub in Moscow. Michael Jackson boards an aeroplane as soon as word reaches the Neverland ranch.
  • 1818 - The Republic of Bulimia declares its independence from Spain, purging itself of all Spanish influence.
  • 1971 - Jim Morrison dies a virgin,; canonized as St. Mr. Mojo Risin'.
  • 1984 - Rumors flare that Irish band U2 actually originate from Eurasia. Fans rebel, labelling them doubleplusgood.
  • 1999 - Chastity belts are outlawed and replaced with Chastity lasers.
  • 2010 - It all ended (more or less – although to be honest, it's really more less than more).
  • 2013 - Tragic death of Lurgan (Northern Ireland) celebrity Willy the Tramp after an overdose of Buckfast.
  • 2090 - The last Christian dies due to practising abstinence.
  • 2100 - The Republic of Bulimia mysteriously disappears. David Blaine denies involvement due to being dead.

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Alan Beanie Baby

November 27: Alan Bean Celebration Day (the 4th man on the Moon)

  • c.10,000 BCE - Hunters inadvertently wipe out the mastodons while trying to exterminate furries, who are able to survive by hiding out in hotels and convention centers.
  • 1009 BCE - First recorded case of anime-character-fangirlism.
  • 341 BCE - Aristotle invents the first submarine after intending it to be the first flying machine.
  • 1095 - Pope Urban II launches the First Crusade, thus starting the Indiana Jones film franchise.
  • 1896 - Also sprach Zarathustra by Richard Strauss is performed for the first time. It would attract the notice of monoliths from outer space as the volume was really loud despite being played on kazoos and harmonicas.
  • 1917 - "Buffalo Bob" Smith is born with his younger brother "Howdy" Doody Smith being born the same day 30 years later.
  • 1971 - Russia's Mars 2 spacecraft releases a landing module that crashes on the surface of the Red Planet, igniting a race with the US in a Make-a-Crater competition.
  • 1994 - Counterfeit Beanie Baby toys flood the market as do counterfeit Alan Beans.

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Panic button

November 28: Panic Day, Tell Someone You Know You Had Sex With Someone They Don't Know Day

  • c.5200 BCE - The Sumerian king imposes taxes, to be paid by this day. The people become hysterical as the day approaches with many shitting themselves. Dry cleaners are quickly invented.
  • 1211 BCE - Egypt experiences ten plagues due to the wrath of God. Egyptians react to each one in terror and panic, except for the plague of funny-tasting catsup in little packages.
  • 1085 - The Domesday Book is published, giving the first recorded use of the words "bonkers", "crackers" and "balmy". One or all of those words is used to describe about 44% of the English people by name, especially those collecting string.
  • 1883 - The massive eruption of Krakatoa volcano leaves thousands frustrated as they did not have time to panic before being wiped off the face of the Earth.
  • 1908 - You're WHAT??!!?!?
  • 1954 - Godzilla attacks and millions become hysterical as the smell of rubber and sweat is overwhelming.
  • 1963 - Hundreds of thousands die in global mime protests, Mimes assume totalitarian control, only to have it crushed 3 weeks later by Vin Diesel dressed as a clown. Clowns would continue to hold power for many years.
  • 1967 - Holy Shit! Anna Nicole Smith!!!!
  • 1979 - Don't Panic.
  • 1999 - OH GOD THE APOCALYPSE IS UPON US!
  • 2000 - Y2K kills the entire planet, annoying environmentalists throughout the planet. Users of Macs are left unharmed and hail Steve Jobs as the antichrist as if he wasn't already that.
  • 2004 - Y2K is fixed by a patch from Microsoft, life returns to normal.
  • 2004 - Y2K is fixed again by another patch from Microsoft, due to the complete failure of the first patch.
  • 2005 - The 113th annual World Autofellatio Championship contest begins. If you have children, panic.
  • 2006 - Celebrating 445324248432479525 seconds since people invented the tree.
  • 2006 - OMG! Celine Dion is in concert!!!!!! Nooooooooooooooooooo!!
  • 2006 - Christopher Meloni attacks Emmy winner Jon Stewart after being screwed once again.
  • 2008 - Kernel Panic: Segmentation Fault. (Core Dumped).
  • 2012 - Scientists apologize for any inconvenience previous apocalypse warnings may have caused. They announce the apocalypse will happen 2 years from now.
  • 2134 - Angry ticks fire out of my nipples.
  • 3764 - SAW 127874 is made.
  • The Future+1 - Raptor Jesus pokévolves from Your Mom. Jesus meets Raptor Jesus and the universe implodes.

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Carman-Master-Magician

Master magician Carman, prior to the Marvin Gaye incident.

November 29: Day of NEIN!, Spell All 'C' Words With a 'K' Day (UK high schools)

  • 999 - German states say 'NEIN!' all year, incurring the wrath of Poland, Bohemia and 7-Up.
  • 1854 - Australians rebel and wave the Eureka Flag. As usual, the American government takes all credit from the Aussies.
  • 1939 - Britain asks ze Germans nicely to pull out of ze Poland... but dis ist NEIN day und so ze german public shouts! und zo Hitler said NEIN!!!
  • 1983 - In a publicity stunt gone bad, Carman decapitates R&B star Marvin Gaye.
  • 1983 - Band Aid release the little known Do They Know It's Christmas? (1983 Version).
  • 1984 - Chocolate rations are increased from 30 grams to 20 grams.
  • 1991 - David Copperfield stuns the world by causing the Statue of Liberty to vanish into thin air.
  • 1992 - After a year-long search, the NYPD gives up the search for the missing statue, citing lack of cooperation by local eyewitnesses.
  • 1990 - Taking advantage of the 'C with K' day, someone writes 'KUNT' on the blackboard, and is praised for thinking before being expelled.
  • 2002 - As a special treat, high school pupils in England are allowed to play Kommanden and Konquer, but not Command and Conquer. When they discover the game only exists with a 'C', there is mass rebellion and konfusion.
  • 2003 - Donald Rumsfeld attempts to use magic in order to find WMDs. Results are not as expected.
  • 2006 - A young boy is brutally beaten at school after spelling the word 'Comrade' instead of 'Komrad'.
  • 2006 - Triumph the Insult Comic Dog gets in an argument with Kanye West over the use of the word "nein" with both melting down into large puddle. Hazmat cleanup crews are kept busy until the early morning.
  • 2123 - The Magic Circle becomes corrupt after using their 'powers' for brutal mass-murder. The circle collapses... into more of an oval shape, to be honest.

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BlockedUser

November 30: Strange Mystical Powers Day

  • 787 BCE - King Saul of Israel throws a spear at David playing the harp, then stands and points a shaking finger at David and intones in a booming voice, "NARF!"
  • 53 CE - Roman general Steralusis accidentally steps in world's biggest pile of shit and is made Roman God of phoesis.
  • 1666 - After Jack the Ripper offends the Jews with his shitty jokes, they unleash the common cold onto London. Without the secret of chicken soup, thousands of gentiles die.
  • 1670 - Finger Fuck Day is celebrated worldwide for the first time, after the discovery of male g-spot orgasm. Males all around the world comment, "Now we also know that we can get an orgasm through multiple ways. We're not feeling inferior to females anymore, and it's great!"
  • 1825 - The world's first railway line opens between Stockton and Darlington, England. Rail commuters are left waiting for a train until 1849. British Rail blames scheduled trackwork and weather for the delay.
  • 1950 - Ron Jeremy loses his virginity before he is born, and to another hedgehog, besides.
  • 1963 - Dalek invasion of Earth: US President Kennedy is accidentally exterminated when he is mistaken for Doctor Who. After being killed, JFK vows to put a man on Skaro before the Summer of Love.
  • 1984 - Big Brother finally assumes power. His assumption is that it is the power of levitation and he dies trying to fly out of the window of his 6th story one-room apartment in Brooklyn.
  • 1987 - Pac-Man dies of obesity in his home in California. His diet of dots and the ghosts of Christmas Past is blamed.
  • 1998 - Bizarro, a confused being that randomly destroys stuff, accidentally stomps on an orphanage, thus beginning the 20-year Bizarrophan War.
  • 1999 - The Artist Formerly Known as Prince but Currently Known as Wanker decides that he'd rather party like it was 1983.
  • 2002 - The documentary Harry Potter and The Chamber Pot of Secrets airs on BBC2. Controversy reigns when it is claimed that a budgetary hole just appeared like magic. Tony Blair disbands the Ministry of Magic and replaces it with a new portfolio, The Ministry of Sound.
  • 2005 - Cloud Strife, in a major change of disposition, does something.
  • 2006 - Thousands wait outside of Walmart to buy Microsoft Vista. However, all are turned away when it is delayed for another 5 years.
  • 2010 - Volkswagen officially gives away the rights to use their VW logo to support Vandalize Wikipedia Day. Volkswagen gets banned for a month and cries itself to sleep.

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