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May 4: Jedi New Year

  • 321 - The date no one thought would ever happen, finally does.
  • 1367 - King Philo of Wallachia discovers flatulence.
  • 1594 - Dwarf hunting is declared illegal in France when the Jew and Huguenot season is extended.
  • 1904 - The USA begins its first efforts to curb illegal immigration with the groundbreaking of the Panama Canal, separating North and South America.
  • 1905 - Weebles wobble.
  • 1924 - Weebles still won't fall down.
  • 1930 - A time-travelling Jimbo Wales accidentally causes the Great Depression.
  • 1939 - Thomas Jefferson ends up being the first president to become a rock star.
  • 1953 - Ernest Hemingway is awarded the Pulitzer Prize for his maritime opus, Shark Tale.
  • 1960 - John Prescott wins the first of many pie-eating contests.
  • 1961 - Martin Luther King has a dream about going to school naked.
  • 1965 - Tony Blair announces the John Prescott Widening Project in order to increase the amount of pies John Prescott can eat. This reduced his ability to make incomprehensible sentences. Millions rejoice.
  • 1966 - Robin Cook is appointed as Cheif Incomprehensible Sentence Maker by the Queen. Millions saddened.
  • 1968 - Robin Williams visits Earth and pals around with Gene Roddenberry and William Shatner. More than 40 years of science fiction hub-bub and techno-crap follow, creating really cool inventions like the transporter and Klingons.
  • 1977 - Star Wars is released with the tag line "May the fourth be with you". The director will be fired to making up such a ludicrous pun. Douchebag.
  • 1980 - Ronald Reagan loses in a winner-take-all paintball tournament sponsored by Jodie Foster.
  • 1986 - Ronald Reagan awakes to a new day, but has no idea why.
  • 2004 - The first annual Nigerian Email Writers Convention is held; millions attend.
  • 2005 - The entire country of Portugal secedes and moves to Canada.
  • 2007 - Queen Elizabeth enjoys the Kentuckistan Derby and buys a beer bong. She will later crowd surf the mosh pit in the infield.
  • 2009 - Jimmy Carter creates the Anti-Weeble, which never gets up off the floor. This brings chaos to the Weeble-balance and the Weeble Wars begin.