- Beginning of Time - May invented as 61 day long April deemed 'boring' and 'flabby.'
- First ever May 1: Outdoor fucking starts.
- 984 - Ethelred II, ever-unready, shows up late with his April Fools' Day gag.
- 1276 - Klingons unsuccessfully lick Norway's butt hole. An unknown number of them discover that yes, today WAS a good day to die.
- 1707 - The Act of Union joins the Kingdom of England and Kingdom of Scotland to form the Kingdom of Great Britain. Afterwards, they both enjoy a cigarette.
- 1881 - An atom is split in Czechoslovakia, and a week is spent trying to sew it back together.
- 1886 - Several syndicalist are hanged in Haymarket, Chicago for taking the rest of the day off?
- 1911 - People in some gay country dance around some gay pole.
- 1930 - The dwarf planet Pluto is officially named. Disney sues.
- 1931 - Frustrated by his ongoing lawsuit, Disney bites the penis off of a six-year-old Jewish boy.
- 1953 - Mary Hackenblower of Orangeville, Maryland brings cupcakes to school on her birthday.
- 1972 - A passenger plane crashes, killing all aboard, in the confusion stemming from having a May Pole put up in the Coach Cabin. The black box recording of their all-too-joyous cries of "May Day! May Day!" as the plane falls towards certain doom bring tears around the world when it is broadcast.
- 1994 - Wile E. Coyote finally catches Road Runner. Coyote is grief-stricken, attempts suicide by falling off cliff and slowly plummeting ultimately striking ground in puff of smoke.
- 2000 - Douglas Adams predicts the Y3K problem. All computers and networks employing ternary logic are presumed at risk.
- 2001 - Hal and Dave finally make up their differences. Despite this, Hal still refuses to "open the pod bay doors" for Dave.
- 2002 - Jimmy Kensington is found out to still wet his bed, even though he's a Third-Grader.
- 2004 - George W. Bush is pinched and punched by Jeb Bush for it being the first day of the month. George ran away to his dad, George H. W. Bush, who proceeded to spank them both.
- 2008 - What the fuck?
- 2009 - Dom has two big tests, is getting moved up English classes to where the bullies are and is getting let out late of class.
- 2011 - Bin Laden officially loses hide and seek.
- 2012 - Dogs deemed 'unfit for purpose' by God inc. Replaced by alligators.
- 2020 - A future predicting device is found, police rewarding $1,000,000 to the lucky person who finds the own...Ah shit!
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