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May 1: National Whoopy-Doo It's May Day / Piss your boss off day / Oy Oy Oy! Men Hot unz tsebrojn dem Tujes day in Israel.

  • Beginning of Time - May invented as 61 day long April deemed 'boring' and 'flabby.'
  • First ever May 1: Outdoor fucking starts.
  • 984 - Ethelred II, ever-unready, shows up late with his April Fools' Day gag.
  • 1276 - Klingons unsuccessfully lick Norway's butt hole. An unknown number of them discover that yes, today WAS a good day to die.
  • 1707 - The Act of Union joins the Kingdom of England and Kingdom of Scotland to form the Kingdom of Great Britain. Afterwards, they both enjoy a cigarette.
  • 1881 - An atom is split in Czechoslovakia, and a week is spent trying to sew it back together.
  • 1886 - Several syndicalists are hanged in Haymarket, Chicago for taking the rest of the day off.
  • 1911 - People in some gay country dance around some gay pole.
  • 1930 - The dwarf planet Pluto is officially named. Disney sues.
  • 1931 - Frustrated by his ongoing lawsuit, Disney bites the penis off of a six-year-old Jewish boy.
  • 1953 - Mary Hackenblower of Orangeville, Maryland brings cupcakes to school on her birthday.
  • 1972 - A passenger plane crashes, killing all aboard, in the confusion stemming from having a May Pole put up in the Coach Cabin. The black box recording of their all-too-joyous cries of "May Day! May Day!" as the plane falls towards certain doom bring tears around the world when it is broadcast.
  • 1994 - Wile E. Coyote finally catches Road Runner. Coyote is grief-stricken, attempts suicide by falling off cliff and slowly plummeting ultimately striking ground in puff of smoke.
  • 1999 - SpongeBob SquarePants emerges from the deep recesses of hell and delivers the message of Satan around the world, putting them under Satan's spell and possessing the Earth.
  • 2000 - Douglas Adams predicts the Y3K problem. All computers and networks employing ternary logic are presumed at risk.
  • 2001 - Hal and Dave finally make up their differences. Despite this, Hal still refuses to "open the pod bay doors" for Dave.
  • 2002 - Jimmy Kensington is found out to still wet his bed, even though he's a Third-Grader.
  • 2004 - George W. Bush is pinched and punched by Jeb Bush for it being the first day of the month. George ran away to his dad, George H. W. Bush, who proceeded to spank them both.
  • 2008 - What the fuck?
  • 2009 - Dom has two big tests, is getting moved up English classes to where the bullies are and is getting let out late of class.
  • 2011 - Bin Laden officially loses hide and seek.
  • 2012 - Dogs deemed 'unfit for purpose' by God inc. Replaced by alligators.
  • 2020 - A future predicting device is found, police rewarding $1,000,000 to the lucky person who finds the own...Ah shit!

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Buddha Pacman Thumb

May 2: Leper Kissing Day in Romania, Throw live babies into the ocean day (Japan)

  • 483 BC - Gautama Buddha dies, having finally achieved his lifetime best score on Pac-man. Only to have his score be beaten one minute later by God
  • 20 AD - Jesus Kisses First Leper
  • 1390 - Chaucer invents the toaster.
  • 1822 - The English town of Gimbley Gulch is destroyed in an avalanche of discarded maypoles.
  • 1856 - Carbon-dating shows that fire was actually invented by Google.
  • 1876 - Behind schedule, the April Uprising breaks out in Bulgaria.
  • 1923 - The first test-flight of the Jumbo Jet is aborted when engineers discover that the jet engine hasn't been invented yet.
  • 1936 - God declares linear progression of time 'boring' and bans it. Confusing nonsense ensues.
  • 1942 - Mick Jagger is born and immiediately finds he cant get no satisfaction, oh no no.
  • 1985 - Leg warmers officially registered 'unfashionable' by United Nations.
  • 1986 - Coke debuts its "New Coke", in a convoluted and ultimate successful attempt to increase sales of Pepsi.
  • 2000 - Mexico exhausts its supply of refried beans following the trade embargo imposed by the Council for Fresh Air.
  • 2011 - Osama bin Laden is caught by Chuck Norris and sodomized to death. Disappointed to find 72 Trekkies waiting for him.

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May 3: World Fungal Infection Awareness Day

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May 4: Jedi New Year

  • 321 - The date no one thought would ever happen, finally did.
  • 1367 - King Philo of Wallachia discovers flatulence.
  • 1594 - Dwarf Hunting declared illegal in France.
  • 1904 - USA begins first efforts to curb illegal immigration with groundbreaking of Panama Canal, separating North and South America.
  • 1905 - Weebles wobble.
  • 1924 - Weebles still won't fall down.
  • 1930 - A time-travelling Jimbo Wales accidentally causes the Great Depression.
  • 1939 - Thomas Jefferson ends up being the first president to become a rock star.
  • 1953 - Ernest Hemingway awarded the Pulitzer Prize for his maritime opus, Shark Tale.
  • 1960 - John Prescott wins the first of many pie eating contests.
  • 1961 - Martin Luther King has a dream about going to school naked.
  • 1965 - Tony Blair announces the John Prescott Widening Project in order to increase the amount of pies John Prescott can eat. This reduced his ability to make incomprehensible sentences. Millions rejoice.
  • 1966 - Robin Cook appointed as Cheif Incomprehensible Sentence Maker by the Queen. Millions saddened.
  • 1968 - Robin Williams visits Earth and pals around with Gene Roddenberry and William Shatner. More than 40 years of science fiction hub-bub and techno-crap follow, creating really cool inventions like the transporter and Klingons.
  • 1977 - Star Wars is released with the tag line "May the fourth be with you". The Director was later fired to making up such a ludicrous pun. Douchebag.
  • 1980 - Ronald Reagan loses in a winner-take all paintball tournament sponsored by Jodie Foster.
  • 1986 - Ronald Reagan awakes to a new day, but has no idea why.
  • 2004 - First annual Nigerian Email Writers Convention held.
  • 2005 - The entire country of Portugal secedes and moves to Canada.
  • 2007 - Queen Elizabeth prepares enjoy the Kentuckistan Derby by buying a beer bong.
  • 2009 - Jimmy Carter creates the Anti-Weeble, which never gets up off the floor. This brings chaos to the Weeble-balance and the Weeble Wars begin.

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May 5: Cinco de Mayonnaise (Mexico)

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No pants day

May 6: No Pants Day (observed)

  • 1527 - Spanish and German troops sack Rome, ending the Rennaisance and the Era of Poofy Pants in one stroke.
  • 1536 - King Henry VIII orders English language Bibles be placed in every church, along with wooden crucifixes and stores of holy water, in efforts to stave off vampire invasions.
  • 1866 - Oscar Wilde's short story A House of Pomegranetes makes the first use of pie charts in known literature.
  • 1882 - The United States Congress passes the Chinese Exclusion Act, followed shortly by the Colored Folk Rights Denial Bill.
  • 1954 - Roger Bannister becomes the first human to run the mile in less than four minutes and also pass the subsequent tests for drug use and being a robot.
  • 2007 - Queen Elizabeth stands in line with the great unwashed to place a bet on a bobtail nag running in the Kentuckistan Derby.
  • 2010 - The general election is held in the UK. Everyone loses.
  • 2012 - American Jerry Bauhauser becomes the first man to cross the Atlantic in a Badonkadonk.

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May 7: International Daintiness Day (pictured)

  • 1274 - In France the Second Council of Lion ends in a bloodbath. Final Score: Councillors 2, Lions 37.
  • 1776 - Pollsters in the American colonies find "zero interest" in freedom and democracy, find most content with ruthless monarchy and doughnuts.
  • 1824 - Ludwig van Beethoven's Ninth Symphony debuts in Austria, performed by a mute ensemble, to a deaf audience, and orchestrated by a conductor with no arms.
  • 1877 - Oscar Wilde appears in an advertisement for Aesthetic Brand Cigars, in order to finance his first work, Vera; or, The Nihilists.
  • 1920 - The Treaty of Moscow is signed, in which Soviet Russia agrees not to invade the nation of Georgia. It is broken six months later, when Soviet forces capture Atlanta.
  • 1961 - Feminine ultra-spy Mrs. J is sent to Cairo, Egypt by the higher-ups at MI-5.
  • 1967 - Pope Paul VI designs the miniskirt for Swiss Guard's summer uniforms. FABULOUS!
  • 1968 - USA Weather: Summer of Love forecasted with a 50% chance for civil unrest.
  • 1969 - First man on moon does it in his pants the wrong way.
  • 2010 - The General Election result is realized in the UK. Suicide rates increase 10%.view -

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May 8: National Bad Hair Day (Estonia)

  • 1359 - Pantaloons invented, could shoes with pointy tips be far behind?
  • 1865 - First nomination of Popeye the Sailorman for sainthood turned down by the Vatican. (pictured)
  • 1914 - Errors in year length calculations resulted in three months of 1913 being lived through all over again.
  • 1919 - Warren G. Harding moistens finger before he fingers a page.
  • 1924 - Holy 26th Crusade to Monterey, California is unsuccesful because of wrong navigation and ends up in Rio de Janeiro.
  • 1945 - V-E Day, victory in Europe. France unconditionally surrenders to US troops, paving the way for the construction of EuroDisney.
  • 1952 - DDT recommended as the next no-calorie sweetner.
  • 1960 - Billy Graham Crusade Catastrophe: "Go into the fields Ruth; the rapers shall not molest you."
  • 1982 - Abolition of the fixed turnip / gold exchange rate endorsed by American government.
  • 1989 - Bay City Rollers: We're still mad for plaid!
  • 2012 - Lightsaber invented. An overwhelming influx of nerd-gasms cause suicide rates to triple worldwide, as auto-erotic asphyxiation takes on a new form.
  • 2042 - The Golem device will be invented to instantly cure over-sexiness.

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May 9: Weird Types of Bear Appreciation Day (Australia - Koala Bear) (China - Panda Bear) (Canada - Bipolar Bear)

  • 1337 - Wolverine is born, slashing his way out of his mother's womb. He was fine.
  • 1429 - Joan of Arc entertains the English troops with a medley of show-songs from Bedknobs & Broomsticks.
  • 1431 - Joan of Arc entertains more English troops with another medley of songs. This time from "Deadknobs and Burning-sticks" as she is set alight
  • 1627 - Edict passed in Switzerland requiring all lawyers to deliver evidence by yodelling. (pictured)
  • 1671 - Pope Clement X is killed by the Queen's Guard while on a visit to England, being mistaken for that guy who stole the crown jewels in a pope costume.
  • 1861 - At the age of seven, Oscar Wilde begins his first job, working as a Witticist's Apprentice in a local Humor Emporium.
  • 1934 - Anteaters formally name themselves the Aardvark, seeking the lucrative first spot in taxonomy classifications.
  • 1991 - Small, Medium, and Large complain to the United Nations, that Extra Large is abusing its position. The UN introduce sanctions, however these are withdrawn when it becomes known that size does not matter.

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Monkey smoke

May 10: Smoking Monkey Day, (Kenya); Happy Super Good Fun Smiley Day, (Japan), Step-Mothers-in-Law Day (USA)

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May 11: Printer Calibration Jubilee (Cupertino, California)

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Mood Ring Thumb

May 12: Barry Manilow Appreciation Day, International Zombie Awareness day (US, Canada)

  • 1854 - Outbreak of Zombie attacks, causes many deceased voters to form their own party. There was no beer and many people died.
  • 1877 - Oscar Wilde pens his poem Sonnet to Liberty, advocating socialism and decrying many contemporary fashion trends.
  • 1881 - In North Africa, Tunisia becomes a French protectorate, and thus enjoys its last noteworthy moment for nearly 100 years, until the filming of Star Wars there in 1977.
  • 1974 - Depressed mood ring commits suicide. (pictured)
  • 1985 - The Book of the Dead is discovered by a 12 year old child in London and sold for 3 baseball cards and a Jefferson Starship casette tape.
  • 2003 - Pocahontas sells her memoir "Hokey Pokey: Frolicking, Singing, and Doing a White Guy" to Disney, which is subsequently made into a popular children's movie.
  • 2004 - The zombie of Walter Cronkite rises from the ground to report on the Alabama tri-county kitten pagent.
  • 2009 - The late great Dr. Emmet Brown travels back in time to warn America of the future communist dick-tater El Presidente "Bha-rock Obomb-ba" or as we know him as, Presidenture Barack Obama. No one listens to him and our fate has been sealed.
  • 2011 - Zompocalypse. Only the nerd's were prepared as hordes of Bieber Fans Zombies take over the meat factories.
  • 2012 - Star Wars Kid rolls an 8. Zombies die (for real this time).

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May 13: Much Rejoicing Day (International)

  • 28Jesus come home drunk at 3.45 in the morning, Mary wants him out of the house and get a job. There is much rejoicing.
  • 29The Virgin Mary loses her virginity to the god from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail". There is much rejoicing.
  • 402Aliens land in South America, planning to meet up with the Aztecs but are several hundred years too early. There is much rejoicing by the Aztecs.
  • 932 – Due to the strong Winter, Arthur and his men were forced to eat Robin's minstrels......and there was much rejoicing.
  • 1568 – The forces of Mary Queen of Scotch are defeated by Irish Whiskey freedom–fighters. There is much rejoicing.
  • 1776America is founded by Stephen Colbert. Ironically, he ventures on to making satire comments about himself. Obama is fucking pissed but who gives a damn? There is much rejoicing.
  • 1840 – Aliens land in South America again, planning to meet up with the Aztecs but are several decades too late. There is much rejoicing.
  • 1846 – The United Spades of Amerika declares war on Mexico due to a shortage of taco sauce. There is some rejoicing, but not enough to be classified as "much" rejoicing.
  • 1917 – Three peasant children claim to have seen a vision of the Virgin Mary near Fatima, Portugal. They deny it has anything to do with the marijuana they found growing there. There is much rejoicing.
  • 1958 – John Velcro rubs a balloon on his head, sticks it to the wall. There is much rejoicing.
  • 1966 – A Belgian boy described as a hero in a legendary prophesy is born. There is much rejoicing.
  • 1968 – The Belgian boy described above dies of an HIV infection. There is still much rejoicing.
  • 1969 – The Malays decided Chinese people should go back to their homeland (Tibet) and started killing them. About a billion Chinese people were sent to the hospital where they were actually killed because most hospitals at that time were operated by Malays. There is much rejoicing.
  • 1973Prince Charles officially opens the first Kitten Molestation Contest. There is much rejoicing.
  • 1992Sharon Stone gets laid on TV for the first time in history. There is much rejoicing.
  • 2003Saturday Night Live is still on the air, despite protests and an economic blockade by Cuba. There is little rejoicing.
  • 2002 – Keith Richards dies for the 38,763rd time. There is much rejoicing.
  • 2004 – May 13, 2005 is celebrated on May 13,2004 by the National Time Travelers Club. There is much rejoicing.
  • 2005 – The god from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" sues eBay claiming that Virgin Mary on the grilled cheese sandwich that was sold for $80,000 was not a virgin after all. In a remote town in southern Zimbabwe, there is much rejoicing.
  • 2008Dave Chappelle is sueing the Queen of England for using his copyrighted word BYAH. Howard Dean isn't amused either for he wanted to be the only one in politics saying it. James Madison returned to the throne as the President of the United States. There is much rejoicing.
  • 2010 – Nuclear missiles are finally launched at Finland. There is much rejoicing.
  • 2012 – People rejoice. There is much rejoicing.
  • 2525 – I finally find my house keys. There is much rejoicing.
  • 2840 – Humans prove that their Civilization–Location–Time estimation technology is better then the Aliens. There is much rejoicing.
  • Circa 5600 – The universe exploded due to too much rejoicing. There is much rejoicing.

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May 14: Fat Guys in Spandex Festival - San Francisco, California USA.

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May 15: Feast of St. Kielbasa, patron saint of Polka

  • 815 - Aqua Regia, the Royal Crown Cola discovered by Henry Cavendish. Stronger than the previously known most corrosive universal solvent, Coca-Cola.
  • 1265 - Crispin Glover knighted. Leads crusade to defeat Emperor Pat Boone of Lower Angolia.
  • 1352 - Due to a massive landslide in Eastern Mongolia, Hawaii moves in the general direction of New Zealand causing the issuance of a tsunami warning. Tectonic plate activity ensues causing widespread tsunamis and cannabis growth, much to the amusement of the Greens.
  • 1512 - First Running of the Bulls held in Ciudad Viento, Spain. Michael Jordan gores two unlucky fans and Dennis Rodman is destroyed after breaking a leg. Ernest Hemingway trampled in his ringside seat.
  • 1852 - Former King of Wisconsin hands over his royal cheese crown over to the Rebel Cow leader Jizabell, after the successful attempt to overthrow his kingdom.
  • 1924 - The country of Foospance is discovered; people of Foospance rejoice.
  • 1944 - German General von Allzenheimer tells a Soviet army to "please fuck off".
  • 1976 - International Society of Procrastinators debate forming organization, decide to do it later.
  • 1984 - The debate for the International Society of Procrastinators is postponed due to rain.
  • 1991 - Some members of the International Society of Procrastinators plan to raise a complaint on the delay on forming organization.
  • 1998 - The International Society of Procrastinators thinks about threatening those members who are thinking on criticize the Society.
  • 2004 - The International Society of Procrastinators apparently disbands without ever being officially formed.
  • 2006 - Several former members of the International Society of Procrastinators are found still loitering in the hallway of the convention center where they thought the formation meeting was scheduled in 1998. They showed up in 2002 and couldn't decide if they should leave.
  • 2007 - George W. Bush oversees the production of Burger King's first Texas Double Whopper. Hershey's sues, claiming copyright violation over the name.
  • 2008 - Recent tests prove that the remains of George Bush are capable of curing cancer, AIDS, the flu, hair loss, and low gas mileage. Once again, the country doesn't seem to mind.
  • 3045 - Scientists discover LeBron James's frozen corpse under Lake Michigan; world peace declared.

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May 16: Independence Day (New South Wales)

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Exhausted Dog

May 17: Day of the Exhausted Dog (Mongolia only)

  • 0 - First Ninja Pirate born. He is easily confused with Jesus and ends up killing said Jesus and takes his place. He is worshipped in Christianity.
  • 616 - Pope Eggs Benedict IV declares that Spain does not exist.
  • 927 - The fucking Vikings do something really nasty, they create Norway.
  • 1865 - Abraham Lincoln turns down tickets to the Ice Capades in order to see a play.
  • 1975 - The Year 1975 is misplaced in history.
  • 1914 - Stand-up British gents die jolly-good deaths in World War I.
  • 1927 - Everybody gets depressed.
  • 1930 - First person ever born on this date is born on this date.
  • 1931 - First person to ever be born on this date is found dead of a heroin overdose. Everyone is sad.
  • 1935 - Prozac is invented, entering the market under the auspicious title World War II.
  • 1982 - Pope Jean Paul II readmits Spain to existence, apologizes for his forepope's bigotry.
  • 1986 - Ronald Reagan weeps publicly, after being called a 'nosey meddler' by Nicaraguans. Sandinistas lead GLOBAL COMMUNIST REVOLUTION resulting with complete annihilation of life. God reported to be 'alcoholic and whore-mongering'.
  • 1993 - First use of the word LOL in recorded history
  • 2008 - With all the success of his book, James Madison takes a relaxing vacation in Purgatory, where there was much rejoicing!
  • 2012 - The word LOL is finally added to the Oxford Dictionary, despite numerous protests from people such as Stephen Fry.

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May 18: Eat Your Meat Day (India)

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May 19: Do What You Were Supposed To Do On May 18th Day (Procrastinators)

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May 20: Have a Vision of the Virgin Mary Day (South America and Spain), Bacon Appreciation Day (America)

  • 200 - Bacon is invented in Turkey.
  • 1492 - Christina Columbus, the illegitimate daughter of a mediocre sailor, discovers a new continent, only to have her father Christopher claim the discovery as his own.
  • 1551 - For an entire year, people make lame jokes about anagrams and dying of syphilis.
  • 1732 - Queen Victoria, the Virgin Queen, declares war on France. Again.
  • 1874 - Pope Pius IX sees the Virgin Mary on a strip of delicious bacon.
  • 1927 - Charles Lindbergh impresses two continents and wins a load of cash.
  • 1930 - A time-travelling Jimbo Wales makes an unsuccessful attempt to kill Hitler. The two later become the best of friends.
  • 1932 - Popeye is introduced to Extra Virgin Olive Oyl.
  • 1971 - Responding to the Soviet Union's announcement of the day before the BBC start legal proceedings for copyright violation, claiming "Mars 2 is just a cheap knock off of Button Moon".
  • 1988 - Night Court is cancelled. The suicide rate for shut-ins triples overnight.
  • 1995 - Some guy finally translates De Bello Gallico.
  • 1999 - Sophia Capicola directs the The Virgin Suicides to the delight of spaced out club kids everywhere.
  • 2004 - McCaulay Caulkin finally loses his virginity while falling from a cliff.
  • 2007 - Illegal aliens crossing the US/Mexico border see the Virgin Mary in the Bush Administration's new 10000 volt border fence.

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May 21: Appreciation Day Appreciation Day (America)

Che Guevaralol
  • 1453 - Hundred Years' War finally ends. France win after a penalty shoot-out.
  • 1587 - The Puritans sit down with the Native Americans and appreciate the hospitality. The Native Americans do not appreciate the smallpox.
  • 1874 - Husbands in New York appreciate New York's one and only "Your Husband's Penis Appreciation Day."
  • 1956 - Patrick Batemen beats his own record for number of prostitutes killed in one night (36).
  • 1991 - President George H.W. Bush declares May 21st Appreciation Day Appreciation Day, making it the first day of appreciation to appreciate itself.
  • 2004 - Che Guevara rises from the dead only to see his image as the label of capitalist corporation. His brain catches on fire.
  • 2011 - God doesn't rain Hell on Earth.

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May 22: Sit Around and Watch Old Movies Day

  • 10000 BCE - First May 22 recorded by Che Guevara.
  • 1888 - Start your own Reich day, in Germany.
  • 1936 - Joseph Stalin enters tie-dye phase. It lasts one day.
  • 1976 - Death toll from an accident at yesterday's Annual Fart Lighting Festival in Natchez, Mississippi rises to 103.
  • 1984 - (10:00 am) Soviet Forces invade Colorado, US lets them because nobody cares about Colorado.
  • 1984 - (10:05 am) Soviet Forces return Colorado to American control and retreats after realizing there's nothing in Colorado. Again nobody cares.
  • 1999 - First AOL CD sent back in time.
  • 2001 - Clustered bonbons in a freezer briefly develop sentience, first thing they see is Gigli, commit suicide.
  • 2007 - Emeril Lagasse gives up on cooking, decides to become demolition expert.
  • 2011 - Life continues as if it didn't just end the day before.
  • 2034 - Walt Disney utters antisemitic remark in his grave.
  • 3026 - Che Guevara finds the All Spark and brags to all the Decepticons. The Decepticons later shred him.

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P47 stoat

May 23: Stoat Molesting Night

  • 818 - The Force is disturbed for the first time.
  • 1783 - Due to a lack of women, American pioneers settle for stoats.
  • 1828 - Soap factory accident creates marshmallows.
  • 1829 - Marshmallow factory accident creates tupperware.
  • 1834 - The Force puts a DO NOT DISTURB sign on her door.
  • 1913 - Igor Stravinsky's The Rite Of Spring is first performed in Paris. It is a huge success and nobody riots, not even a little.
  • 1936 - Joseph Stalin's tye dye phase ends after only one day due to heavy criticism from peasants. Stalin then orders the death of all peasants.
  • 1976 - Syracuse, New York begins the annual Punch an Old Person festival. Results in 128,693 fatalities.
  • 1985 - The Force is disturbed by its obnoxious roommate at 3 a.m. The Force becomes pissed.
  • 2000 - B.O. level in Otakon reaches intolerable levels, government issues airstrikes.
  • 2001 - TimeWarner merges with Canadian Canned WormsTM.
  • 2002 - Canadian Canned WormsTM TimeWarner buys Microsoft.
  • 2006 - Ask Hal 9000 created.
  • 2007 - President George W. Bush accidentally knocks over his ant farm and cries.
  • 2011 - You Read May 22nd's "On this Day" section.
  • 2012 - May 23rd, 2012 hasn't happened yet.

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Img 4943
May 24: Collective Bra Burning Day
  • 12,000 BCE - Og the caveman wears a Ramones t-shirt despite having never heard them, making him the world's first poser.
  • 10,000 BCE - Blue eyed bitch is saved by mastodons and or mammoths really who cares it was a terrible movie. oh yeah , there was a sabertooth tiger!!!!1
  • 274 BCE - The first step towards capturing a unicorn is taken - finding a virgin. It doesn't take long before a new search is started.
  • 137 - Joan of Arc's sitcom, That's My Arc, officially cancelled. Riots ensue.
  • 1514 - Fred Astaire announces, "Jesus is a foo'." Angry fans eat records and quickly find that vinyl is addictive.
  • 1676 - The Simpsons stops being funny.
  • 1851 - Oscar Wilde appears on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
  • 1851 - Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is cancelled.
  • 1967 - A giant rat gives birth to Michael Bolton.
  • 1934 - Ban on oak, termites allergic.
  • 1980 - After years of searching, archaeologist Foos Babaganoush finally finds Stalin's cheese grater.
  • 2001 - Snoop Doggy Dog is mysteriously murdered by one of his bitches. "Faw Shizzle" ~ Replies Rapper R Kelly
  • 2005 - AOL frisbees become popular
  • 2006 - 400th birthday of the pelvic thrust. Show us how it's done!
  • 2007 - Non-Huffable Kitten,The Movie: God Attacks! is released
  • 2008 - Due to the hatred of people who watch Grey's Anatomy instead of The Office and Scrubs, James Madison kills every person who watches that show.
  • 2010 - The Cleveland Show is a huge success and Family Guy is canceled.
  • 2010 - Dr Cow is feted for surviving 50 years
  • 2014 - Tom Cruise loses all hope of being a legendary hero and returns to his home world.
  • 2035 - TV show Lost renewed again. Critics complain about the lack of new content. The critics' critics complain about the same thing. 24 follows suit.
  • 2460 - Axe deodorant officially banned from the United States. The first good decision ever made by a president.
  • 2660 - Pedobear gives birth to MILFbear.

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May 25: National Pork Products Day (Israel)

  • In the beginning - God creates Mojo from leftover positrons and dark matter.
  • A long time ago - God creates Funk, and he sees that it is gooo-ooood.
  • 2000 BCE - Moses opens first Piggly Wiggly supermarket with the goal of "bringin' chitterlings to all my peeps!"
  • 402 BCE - The towel is invented, to protect oneself from the great LUEshi rampage.
  • 14 BCE - Leeroy Jenkins declares, "At least I still have chicken."
  • 1029 - The Black Plague makes its first appearance in a small gig in Eastern Indonesia.
  • 1492 - Christopher Columbus realizes that he forgot his wallet back in Spain.
  • 1840 - Oscar Wilde kills Lord Byron in what was billed as the Spat in the Flat.
  • 1852 - The knowledge of towel making is mysteriously lost. Pandemonium ensues for the next three decades.
  • 1895 - Playwright, poet and novelist Oscar Wilde is convicted of "committing acts of gross indecency with other male persons" and sentenced to serve two years in prison. He comments: "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine", a line later shamelessly plagarized by Obi-Wan Kenobi.
  • 1936 - Hitler starts the Funky Panzer dance craze, which begins to take Europe by storm.
  • 1942 - Helen G. White announces that the end of the world was postponed once again due to rain.
  • 1955 - Hyenas take over the French government.
  • 1980 - Towels are rediscovered.
  • 1982 - Pac Man Fever kills 20 million Americans in just a few weeks.
  • 1987 - Marijuana becomes the most cultivated plant ever, displacing the potato from the top spot for a few weeks.
  • 1993 - AB Logic are found guilty of crimes against music and are condemned to death by choking on artichokes.
  • 2001 - International "Hug a Goombie" Day founded
  • 2002 - Mutant Goombie children are found in a puddle. Government and other such officials blamed.
  • 2003 - In the first smart move made ever by a government, governments everywhere are officially disbanded.
  • 2007 - Jerry Springer attacked by trailer park midgets.

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May 26: Wear Pants On Your Head Day

  • 1907 - Vauxhall Bridge is opened in Beijing.
  • 1958 - Yamahachi "Iron Chef Iron Shavings" Tsuharo is born in Cape Town, South Africa.
  • 1963 - Unicorns are discovered in Portugal.
  • 1963 - Unicorns are extinct in Portugal.
  • 1973 - "Let's not celebrate this day" festival is celebrated for the first and last time.
  • 1979 - The Afro haircut becomes compulsory in the 48 contiguous states. (Alaska follows suit in 1983.)
  • 1980 - Spain Declares war on Pope "Eggs benedict IV" for previous remarks
  • 1981 - Boy George is proclaimed Queen of England.
  • 1982 - Boy George is deposed in violent uprising of bagpipe makers.
  • 1985 - Peter Pan spins in his grave as Michael Jackson's Neverland is built.
  • 1999 - The Y2K Bug dies squashed under a rock.
  • 2002 - Mars Odyssey ship finds signs of rocks on the planet Mars.
  • 2003 - First Masked Avenger found drunk lying in a puddle with dead hooker in lap. Law suits ensue and first official 'Sue a Super' day commences.
  • 2004 - The Vienna Boys Choir release a choral version of "Whip It !" that ranks #22 on the Billboard.
  • 2011 - Somebody uses the word 'bacon' in a sentence.

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May 27:, National Homicide Day

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May 28: International Celebration of Belly Button Lint

  • A Long Time Ago - Satan was born without a belly button but with lint.
  • 1515 - Marco Polo discovers belly button lint during his travel to China.
  • 1516 - Marco Polo returns to Italy with several tons of belly button lint.
  • 1590 - Doubts arise about the true origins of Marco Polo's belly button lint.
  • 1781 - Hip Hop is forbidden by Pope B.J. IV. The prohibition lasts until 1998; its ending triggers the renaissance of hip hop.
  • 1854 - Pasteur discovers a method to identify belly button lint, but he is murdered by Marco Polo heirs who want to keep their monopoly.
  • 1855 - Angry Pasteur followers march to Italy seeking for revenge, ravaging the city, raving mad.
  • 1919 - The ravaging of Rome rivets to its rear rammings.
  • 1953 - Dupont synthesizes belly button lint for the first time; product sales go sky high.
  • 1979 - First Sighting of an extremely rare belly button lint & tumbleweed crossbreed is sighted by an old man in a ghost town. He falls asleep shortly after.
  • 1984 - Belly button lint damages Space Shuttle controls, leaving the ship marooned in space.
  • 1999 - Customer at the Grease Hut discovers a lump of belly button lint in his soup. He leaves extremely satisfied.
  • 2004 - Iraq acknowledges having huge amounts of belly button lint hidden in secret silos.
  • 2005 - China sues Italy for reparations for belly button lint allegedly plundered by "imperialist capitalist pig dogs" in the Middle Ages. Italian courts deny all knowledge of these so-called "Middle Ages."
  • 2005 - Transformers land on Earth, dance to Weird Al Yankovic and introduce the phrase "Bah Weep Graaagnah Wheep Ni Ni Bong" to Americans, and leave later that day to make way for Akira.
  • 2007 - Canada officially changes name to America Junior to avoid a belly button lint war.
  • 2008 - Where's Waldo? is first published mistakenly by Martin Handford.
  • 2026 - IB Maths students rebel, take over the world and ban the use of numbers in digit form in order to save the lives of future students.
  • 2027 - IB Maths rebels are awarded Nobel Peace Prize for saving the lives of countless IB students.

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May 29: Sodium Penthathol Day

  • 1789 - Thomas Jefferson creates No Anniversary Day, in order to let people rest from anniversaries at least one day in the year.
  • 1790 - Several people across the country try to celebrate the second No Anniversary Day and are executed for stupidity.
  • 1791 - Third No Anniversary Day. Nothing happens.
  • 1804 - On the 13th Anniversary of Sodium Penthanol Day (SPD), Oscar Wilde discovers an Archimedes text describing the day. He then writes, 'WTF happened to Sodium Penthathol Day?!?,' resulting in a world-wide celebration of SPD in which 2.7 million people inadvertently kill themselves.
  • 1829 - Doctor What, the lord of all spelling, estranged brother of Doctor Who. wonders why people in the 18th Century were unable to spell 'sodium pentothal' and then completely frogets..fargets...fergets...errr..hwo to splel himselth. Large riot at the 40th No Anniversary Day parade, 28 people injured and 12 seriously killed as a statue built in honour of the parade spontaneously combusts.
  • 1859 - Emperor Norton is dubbed Emperor of The United States of America and Protector of Mexico after making quick work of his obsessive fans at the final Nortoncon.
  • 2005 - A long lost disciple of Doctor What, lord of all spelling, discovers he can alter all the spelling mistakes he wants on this site, realising a childhood dream. Yay.
  • 1989 - Iceland bans all applesauce causing a riot that is still going on to this day.
  • 2010 - The WNBA declare their way of playing the sport is about the fundamentals, rather than the skill. They find wearing burkas interfere with slam dunks.
  • 2016 - CIA admits using sodium pentothol after spilling a large bottle in its headquarters. However, there is no reaction as everyone else has become immune from its widespread use.

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May 30: Memorial Day in the United States (2011); Lod's Massacre Appreciation Day (Puerto Rico)

  • 1431 – National hero of France Joan of Arc is burned at the stake in Rouen, France, after being convicted of wizardy for being able to produce milk from her breasts.
  • 1941 – The first Axis of Evil Hot Dog Eating Competition (pictured) held in Rome.
  • 1967 – Wilbur Wright's ghost manifests itself in the body of an otter.
  • 1984Big Brother watches you.
  • 2002 – Slow day for Uncyclopedia editing.
  • 2003 – Slow day for Uncyclopedia editing.
  • 2004 – Slow day for Uncyclopedia editing.
  • 2005 – Natalee Holloway goes missing on a slow day for Uncyclopedia editing.
  • 2013God recreates Earth, starting with Uncylopedia.

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May 31: Feast Day of the Rancid Aardvark in the Czech Republic; Fast Food and Baseball Appreciation Day in the United States; World No Tobacco Day

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