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- circa 51,000 BC - World Happiness Day is declared with a series of rhythmic grunts when two homo erecti discover fire.
- circa 50,000 BC - The ancient Llama civilization begins its downfall with the assasination of Llama Chief LlamaLlama The 45th Mk. II during a boat ride down the Nile.
- 1904 - Dessie Noonan is the first to commit suicide by boasting.
- 1906 - Pope declares suicide by boasting a mortal sin, worse than butt sex, watching anime and murder.
- 1906 - Pope says his decree was best decree ever. He is found dead in a hotel outside Reno, NV with a syringe in his arm.
- 1953 - President Joseph McCarthy briefly bans Kitten Huffing, but later retracts said decree, claiming he "was high off [his] ass."
- 1954 - Scientists discover the Moon.
- 1955 - Scientists find out it wasn't really the Moon they discovered, but the Sun.
- 1966 - The Evelyn War ends, and Michelle Pfeiffer, a secret code developed by Captain Obvious, officially replaces traditional right-to-left writing, as decreed by the Kansas board of education
- 1991 - MC Hammer releases the song 'Big Rad Boy' but a world-famous spelling error on the Cassette version read 'Big Nad Boy' - the culprit, Bill Gates, was controversially sacked.
- 1991 - Rad Suits become the latest craze in the UK, after teen hero Margaret Thatcher was seen in one.
- 1992 - Michael Jackson re-releases 'Bad' as Rad, however no-one is impressed when it is just the same track with Rad replacing Bad in the lyrics, and the song did very badly. This caused him to turn a paler shade.
- 1993 - The sun tells scientists it and earth should "just be friends." The sun promises to call every few weeks.
- 1994 - Tears for Fears reach Number One on new show Top of the Flops. They would have reached No. 1 on Top of the Pops, it was later revealed, but they failed to say 'rad' during the entire song.
- 2000 - 'Rad Day' is abolished after the phrase isn't considered rad anymore.
- 2004 - The sun tells Al Gore to fuck off with his global warming shit, and proceeds to call Gore a "jive turkey sucka."
- 2005 - Rick James dies of chronic diarrhea… Finally!
- 2006 - A rerun of the smash hit TV show "Full House" is shown around the world. Millions kill themselves, unable to stand the torture.
- 2007 - 'Rad Day' returns for one year with a concert featuring Michael Jackson. The 10 people that attended said things were 'Like, well rad init'.
- 2008 - After numerous requests by the American public, God finally damns it. It is never seen again.