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March 14: The Day the Music Died, American Pi Day

  • c.2 million BCE - Younger cave people would begin to pound two rocks together quickly and in tempo whereas their parents would bang two rocks together very slowly and without rhythm. The generation gap is born, with parents always criticizing this new thing called music.
  • 27 BCE - Greeks fight valiantly against Russell Crowe in a vast gladiatorial event to define pi as the ratio of the circumference of a circle divided by its diameter.
  • 435 - Pope Sixtus III denounces pi, claiming it to be "the worke of thye devile, in his moste clever ploye yet."
  • 973 - The Great God Pan, lacking worshippers, fades into nothingness. The only trace of him will exist in the future as panpipes and pan pizza.
  • c.1550 - As soprano voices are needed for choirs and females are not allowed to sing in public, Italians hack off the nads of promising boy bands; they are known as castratti. The method would be successfully used many years later by Joe Jackson on his son Michael. This would be counter to the older Italian method used with bands like Puerto Rico's Menudo, where singers would be killed when their voice changed and replaced by a clone.
  • 1707 - The Physics Act of 1707 defines pi to be 22/7, which scientists of the era proclaim as "close enough".
  • 1742 - Johann Sebastian Bach invents disco but keeps it a secret for nearly 250 years.
  • 1930 - The concept of pi is used heavily in the construction of the Maginot Line.
  • 1981 - The band Pigbag releases Papa's Got a Brand New Pigbag just to confuse a lot of people.
  • 1994 - Justin Bieber is born and the death of music is extended to seven other universes.
  • 2005 - The Kansas Board of Education restores pi to its traditional value of "three and a bit", as "certain features of the universe are best explained by an intelligent cause, not an undirected process such as mathematics."