Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/March

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March 1: National Grue Day

  • 390,000,000 BC - A meteor carrying a portion of the dispersed Gruesømellæ germ culture crashes on Earth, killing Chuck Norris.
  • 64,000,000 BC - Gruesømellithicus roams the plains, waiting for unsuspecting tourists.
  • 32 - Jesus gets eaten by a metaphysical Grue. He is then raised by his heavenly Father, only to be killed by trichinosis.
  • 1349 - Jack the Ripper's antique collection of Mongolian Grues features in Forbes Magazine. This, according to Tony Blair, "does not compute".
  • 1632 Gruel is invented by the Grues of London to morph English Orphans into Grues after long periods of eating it. This plot might have worked, since after 1692, all British Orphans disappeared.
  • 1776 - Hypnotoad wisely defects to the American army.
  • 1777 - The last remnants of the British army are eaten by a Grue.
  • 1984 - Plåygrue releases its first copy; the said copy is later eaten by a Grue.
  • 1985 - Landmark decision in Some v. Pestilence: Court rules a person eaten by a Grue cannot be held legally responsible for death or injury related to ingestion.
  • 1997 - Scientists develop Grue-proof armor, and promptly get eaten by Eurgs.
  • 1999 - Ozzy Osbourne bites the head off a grue onstage, is promptly ignored as just another geek sideshow act.
  • 2001 Joe-Bob McGillicuddy manages to slay a Grue, but is seconds later crushed by a meteor.
  • 2005 - Wales defeat the Grues 11-9 in a massive Six Nations Rugby upset. Unfortunately, the Welsh side are shortly after eaten by said Grues.
  • 2006 'You are likely to be eaten by a grue' fever sweeps the nation.
  • 2007 - George Bush quits the presidency when his son cruelly asked him, "Do you even know God?"
  • 2009 - George W. Bush declared Grues to be "weapons of mass destruction".
  • AD 2101 - War was beginning. CATS battles the grues for control of the earth. The legendary Build-a-grue workshop opens during this time period.
  • AD 5000000000000 - Heat death of the universe begins. But the human race was so technologically advanced though that they cloned a super vesion of grue who put the universe back in its place.

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March 2: International Kill a Cartoon Character Day

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March 3: International Beat Random People With a Metal Pipe Day

  • 4328 BC - Goa Tse born.
  • 1944 - It was Mr Green, in the Lounge, with the Lead Pipe.
  • 1970 - Tonya Harding is born.
  • 1987 - Well, now that I've finally done it, I might as well post it on the internet.
  • 1999 - Hey, this link doesn't look too bad. Let's see where it... OH MY GOD!
  • 2000 - One year free of that horrid image. Hey, my friend told me to go to a site. This couldn't possibly be bad... JESUS CHRIST! COME ON!
  • 2001 - Another link, I'm not falling for that one. But www.kittens.com, how could it be... WHY GOD WHY?!
  • 2002 - No more links. I swear - but hey, a movie file... GOOD LORD! THEY ANIMATED IT!
  • 2003 - It has been one year since I've gone blind, so I can now safely click on links to view webpages... "Listen to this article"?... OH COME ON! THAT IS DISTURBING.
  • 2004 - Now that I've gone deaf, all is well. Oh what is this, an image to braille converter? Hmm, I'll take a random image off my hard drive, convert... now lets see what it feels like... Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrgghh!
  • 20X6 - Some future archeologist will uncover a server. Once getting it to work and viewing the lone image on it, he shall be forever disgusted believing our society a fan of people doing such things. He may also find the fossilized remains of Wikipedia after Oscar Wilde has eaten its brain.
  • 2007 Serial pest who goes by the name of "Tonigol" is arrested in Sydney for "Masturbating furiously" at the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras.

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Bo rhap

March 4: Galileo Galileo Galileo Figaro (Iran)

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March 5: Festival of Violent Spasms (Turkey)

  • 1337 - You are alive.
  • 1914 - Preparations to the wildest party known to mankind are well on their way
  • 1947 - The wildest party known to mankind begins today. Death tolls are still rising.
  • 1991 - Emperor George Bush Sr. takes over all of the Americas, except Hawaii.
  • 1999 - Party almost stops over fear of the Y2K Bug. Then someone gets a fly swatter. Party continues.
  • 2006 - Party nearly ends. Bird Flu epidemic. Ends with Bird Flu being deported to Britain and the death of Big Bird. Party Continues.
  • 2008 - Ten years after aliens from outer space destroyed a significant portion of the United States, including cities such as New York City and Washington, D.C., the world is still recovering from the damage. World leaders are still shaking hands, albeit carefully, and actor Will Smith has vowed to "kick E.T.'s ass" should Earth ever be invaded again.
  • 5997 - End of the World. Turks Party in Heaven, with Allah and Jesus
  • 6666 - In Soviet Russia, Turkey Party's YOU!!

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March 6: Roadkill Appreciation Day (North America & Australia)

  • 3500 BC - In the first recorded instance of roadkill, Egyptian Pharoah Ramses IV hits a small cat with his chariot.
  • 1869 - The first historical instance of so-called "cannibal roadkill" occurs when a horse-drawn buggy strikes a horse pulling a second buggy.
  • 1934 - Hitler runs over a small ferret in his Volkswagen, precipitating his later invasion of Poland
  • 1962 - Julia Childs releases a groundbreaking roadkill culinary masterpiece titled Treadmarks and Tarragon.
  • 1969 - President Nixon continues the Road Kill bombing over Vietnam.
  • 1990 - Road Kill is offically the new Mystery Meat in School Lunches.
  • 1995 - Steve Ballmer runs over my dog after yelling at the top of his lungs “I'm going to fucking bury that dog. I've done it before and I will do it again. I'm going to Fucking Kill that dog”.
  • 2009 - First human Road Killer has been discovered in Western China. Government official still denies the fact that it was a young Usain Bolt at his best, pwned Tyson Gay.

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March 8: International Talk Like Caveman Day

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March 8: Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde Appreciation Day

  • 1910 - The inaugural tri-annual Oscar Wilde Appreciation Day is declared by UK Prime Minister H.H. Asquith. He commemorates the day by reading from Wilde's short story The Canterville Ghost.
  • 1916 - Allied and Central Powers forces cease hostilites for the day during World War I in order to commemorate Wilde by exchanging copies of his works.
  • 1919 - Women marching on Washington seeking the right to vote cite Wilde's play A Woman of No Importance as an example of mysoginistic views.
  • 1933 - US President Franklin D. Roosevelt delivers his first so-called "fireside chat", during which he reads excerpts from Wilde's play The Duchess of Padua.
  • 1963 - A statue of Wilde is erected in his birthplace: Dublin, Ireland. It is inscribed with passages from his most well-known work, The Happy Prince and Other Stories, and becomes a site of pilgrimage for struggling young homosexual playwrights around the world.
  • 1998 - Wilde's play The Importance of Being Earnest is turned into both the Disney film Ernest in the Army, an entry in the wildly successful "Ernest Goes" series, and Being John Malkovich, which addresses issues of self-awareness that are often seen in Wilde's works.

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March 9: Olipro's Birthday, Temporarily Suspend "No Vanity Entries in the Anniversaries" Rule Day (Uncyclopedia)

  • 300 BC - Olipro's earlist known ancestor, Gayus Maximus, introduces pederasty to Ancient Greek society.
  • 42 - Under Caligula, Olipro's most famous ancestor, sodomy becomes the official sport of Rome.
  • 1429 - With his lineage being well documented, we suspect that somebody in Olipro's ancestry did something remarkably gay on this day.
  • 1492 - Seaman and Olipro ancestor Oliver de Gaul intends to travel to the New World with Columbus as his first mate. Unfortunately, he is late arriving to the ship on port as he was too busy being fucked in the ass by a Spanish stallion. He misses the boat and starts a lucrative enterprise manufacturing Pears of Agony.
  • 1776 - Benjamin Franklin and an "Oliver von Homosexuelle of Austria" exchange a series of erotic letters now hosted at the Museum of American History.
  • 1785 - Marquis de Sade finishes penning "120 Days of Sodom", an autobiography of Olipro's only French ancestor, Oliver L'homosexuel.
  • 1893 - Oscar Wilde pioneers the technique of holding a handbag like a man.
  • 1949 - Elton John is born.
  • 1987 - "It's Raining Men" by The Weather Girls is released.
  • 1988 - HIV/AIDS is identified as having been the result of Olipro's dad fucking a chimp.
  • 1989 - Olipro is born.
  • 1992 - "I Touch Myself" by The Divinyls reaches #69 on the UK charts. Olipro fingerbangs his anus to this song while watching a men's swimming competition on TV.
  • 1994 - The first pair of gay penguins are observed at the San Francisco Zoo. Olipro says his first words: "I love the cock. Big black cock. Cocky cocky cock. Mmmm. I love it when guys cum in my mouth."
  • 1999 - Olipro abuses his priest.
  • 2000 - A children's story based on the gay penguins is created. It is read to Olipro that same year, and becomes his childhood favorite, which some speculate may have been formative to an impressionable Olipro.
  • 2002 - Pictures from Olipro's family photo album are leaked onto the internet and are aptly named Goatse.cx, Lemonparty, and Tubgirl.
  • 2005 - Olipro digs up Freddie Mercury's corpse from its grave and bottoms it, then tops it, then bottoms it again.
  • 2007 - Gay marriage becomes legal in Massachusetts in honor of Olipro's birthday.
  • 2009 - Olipro is gangbanged by 12 Puerto Rican men at his birthday party, failing to beat his previous record by only 60 more Puerto Ricans.
  • 2010 - EMC smashes all previous records for shameless UN:CM violations, but Codeine's mum actually steps in at the eleventh hour to point out that it's all rather amusing. Olipro fucks a dead sheep to celebrate.

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March 10: Chuck Norris's & Osama Bin Laden's Birthday

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March 11: Stop Hitting Yourself Day (Mexico)

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March 12: Annual Indecent Exposure Crackdown

  • 1504 - Michelangelo's David is indecently exposed to the naked world.
  • 1867 - Oscar Wilde heavily uses redirects while composing his play Nera; or The Nihilists.
  • 1923 - Sir Reginald Humptington cuts down a tree in Central America, officially kicking off makind's war against the rainforest.
  • 1962 - Beach bums take over much of Southern California, rendering it uninhabitable for decades.
  • 1982 - Hospital administrators announce that disco has slipped into a coma and not expected to survive.
  • 1996 - The Daily Show featuring John Stewart premiered on Comedy Central, proving that a Jewish guys can make a living as a comedian.

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March 13: Friday the 13th (only when falling on a Friday)

  • 1259 BC - Thou is given a set of commandments to live by, while the rest of the Jews were free to do whatever they pleased, such as wandering in the desert and eating golden calfs.
  • 1858 - A young Oscar Wilde composes his first work, What I Did on my Summer Vacation, which is mercilessly skewered by critics worldwide.
  • 1947 - The first murmurings of Holocaust denial denial surface when the existence of a Holocaust denial group in Geneva, Switzerland is questioned.
  • 1991 - TV personality Maury Povich debuts as the host of the quizzically named Maury Povich Show.
  • 2005 - Mobile phones with a new "voice chat" feature appear on the market, but are not well received.
  • 2007 - The new and improved Pee Review is born, bringing Uncyclopedia authors down yet another peg.
  • 2010 - Russia Envades AMERICA. America nukes Moscow. Russia Nukes everything else and unleasehes terminators. John Conner tries to save the world and prevent 2012.
  • 2015 - March 13 falls on a Friday resulting in a million naughty kittens appearing in South America for the rest of the day.

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March 14: The Day the Music Died. Also American Pi Day.

  • 27 BC - Greeks fight valiantly against Russell Crowe in a vast gladiatorial event to define pi as the ratio of the circumference of a circle divided by its diameter.
  • 435 - Pope Sixtus III denouces pi, claiming it to be "the worke of thye devile, in his moste clever ploye yet."
  • 1707 - The Physics Act of 1707 defines pi to be 22/7, which scientists of the era proclaim as "close enough".
  • 1891 - The pi chart is introduced in Oscar Wilde's work A House of Pomegranates
  • 1930 - The concept of pi is used heavily in the construction of the Maginot Line.
  • 1994 - Justin Bieber is born and the death of music is extended to seven other universes
  • 2005 - The Kansas Board of Education restores pi to its traditional value of "three and a bit", as "certain features of the universe are best explained by an intelligent cause, not an undirected process such as mathematics."

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March 15: Julius Caesar's Birthday, Ironic Birthday Day (Italy)

  • 35,000 BC - An unkown homo sapien pens Diary of a Caveman, a revealing look into caveman culture, fashion, and etiquette.
  • 1895 - Oscar Wilde is convicted of gross indecency and sentenced to two years hard labor. He beats charges of assault and battery using rapier wit.
  • 1952 - John Cage composes 4'33" and becomes widely known as "that douche who didn't play any music."
  • 1967 - The first computer game is introduced, when Grandmaster Gary Chekov loses a game of chess to a large supercomputer.
  • 2000 - The first Y2K doomsayers quietly come out of their caves and begin attempting to live normal lives; most fail and are ridiculed.

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March 16: International Toaster Day

  • 1066 - Soldiers in the Battle of Hastings from both the Norman and English sides are set upon by wild toasters; less than two hundred survive.
  • 1823 - George Washington Carver sets out on an expidition to the California Redwood forests to study toasters.
  • 1843 - The first toaster ranch is established in Peyote, Wyoming, with over three dozen domestic toasters.
  • 1883 - Oscar Wilde's poem The Sphinx, widely believed to be a veiled reference to toasters, is published.
  • 1931 - During construction of the Empire State Building, a fossil of a Tyrannotoasterus is unearthed, sparking interest in the new field of Toasteropaleontology.
  • 1950 - National Geographic discovers that the wild toaster is actually a kitchen appliance.
  • 1975 - A toaster escaping from a traveling circus in Alabama escapes captivity and mauls four people and dozens of raw bread slices before being killed by local Appliance Control authorities.
  • 2011 - A crazed toaster kills 1,000,000,000 people after it rode in on the earthquake/tsunami in japan. It will hit China, canada, and russia.

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Napgal fronemppose

Napoleon I-have-a-big-part.

March 17: Sex Day (not Belgium)

  • 45 AD - Julius Caesar decides to invade the United States, but is hampered by the non-existence of the US at the time, and his untimely death 101 years previously.
  • 387 St. Patrick: "I've had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking isle!" Proceeds to rape have sex with Nicol Aydelotte, in the name of Tim Allen.
  • 1702 - Irish leprechauns were reported to be having sex on the moors.
Patrick

Saint Patrick

  • 1861 - After a quick shag, returning from Belgium, Napoleon proclaims the Kingdom of Italy.
  • 1918 - Germany loses some of its lands to Austria against Sarah Mae Miller in an amicable game of Texas Hold 'Em.
  • 1926 - Al Capone decided to have a cheese and baloney sandwich for breakfast. Unbeknownst to him, this event would eventually culminate in the following year's St. Valentine's Day massacre.
  • 1931 - Nevada legalizes gambling whilst having sex.
  • 1950 - California discovered by bombarding Los Angeles with ionized Hentaium and the heavy element Michaelmoorium.
  • 2010 - The cancellation of American Idol leads to mass suicide in many American including Zachary Adams.
  • 2011 - Jose Gomez purchased 2000 Chevrolet Camero's and sold them all on ebay to Heather Dudash for 8 times the retail price.
  • 2011 - Bobby Shrum from the band Seraphik causes mass destruction in all the cities in the United Kingdom. Beets the Beatles by 50% in all metal rock hits.
  • 2011 - I love you man, I really do, oh good I am so fazed.
  • 2014 - St. Patrick's Day renamed by Scottish Parliament to St. Alex Salmond Day. Salmond, The Scottish First Minister, denied having anything to do with the change.

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March 18: Suicide-by-Boasting Day, National RAD day (UK, 1989-2000, 2007), End of the Boob Festival (Neptune)

  • circa 51,000 BC - World Happiness Day is declared with a series of rhythmic grunts when two homo erecti discover fire.
  • circa 50,000 BC - The ancient Llama civilization begins its downfall with the assasination of Llama Chief LlamaLlama The 45th Mk. II during a boat ride down the Nile.
  • 1904 - Dessie Noonan is the first to commit suicide by boasting.
  • 1906 - Pope declares suicide by boasting a mortal sin, worse than butt sex, watching anime and murder.
  • 1906 - Pope says his decree was best decree ever. He is found dead in a hotel outside Reno, NV with a syringe in his arm.
  • 1953 - President Joseph McCarthy briefly bans Kitten Huffing, but later retracts said decree, claiming he "was high off [his] ass."
  • 1954 - Scientists discover the Moon.
  • 1955 - Scientists find out it wasn't really the Moon they discovered, but the Sun.
  • 1966 - The Evelyn War ends, and Michelle Pfeiffer, a secret code developed by Captain Obvious, officially replaces traditional right-to-left writing, as decreed by the Kansas board of education
  • 1991 - MC Hammer releases the song 'Big Rad Boy' but a world-famous spelling error on the Cassette version read 'Big Nad Boy' - the culprit, Bill Gates, was controversially sacked.
  • 1991 - Rad Suits become the latest craze in the UK, after teen hero Margaret Thatcher was seen in one.
  • 1992 - Michael Jackson re-releases 'Bad' as Rad, however no-one is impressed when it is just the same track with Rad replacing Bad in the lyrics, and the song did very badly. This caused him to turn a paler shade.
  • 1993 - The sun tells scientists it and earth should "just be friends." The sun promises to call every few weeks.
  • 1994 - Tears for Fears reach Number One on new show Top of the Flops. They would have reached No. 1 on Top of the Pops, it was later revealed, but they failed to say 'rad' during the entire song.
  • 2000 - 'Rad Day' is abolished after the phrase isn't considered rad anymore.
  • 2004 - The sun tells Al Gore to fuck off with his global warming shit, and proceeds to call Gore a "jive turkey sucka."
  • 2005 - Rick James dies of chronic diarrhea… Finally!
  • 2006 - A rerun of the smash hit TV show "Full House" is shown around the world. Millions kill themselves, unable to stand the torture.
  • 2007 - 'Rad Day' returns for one year with a concert featuring Michael Jackson. The 10 people that attended said things were 'Like, well rad init'.
  • 2008 - After numerous requests by the American public, God finally damns it. It is never seen again.

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March 19: Oh my god... I'm like... so freaking high on kittens right now... Day

  • 1000000 B.C. -The first kitten is discovered by Egyptians. They try burning the kitten to get high but discover that you must sniff the kitten to get high.
  • 1300 - Chinese Explorer Who Flhung Dhung brings back kittens on which the Chinese become instantly addicted to.
  • 1301 - Exactly one year later, the Chinese invent a more refined way of getting kitten into your system, now known by the street name "Heroin", it is really kitten in pure form.
  • 1462 - Holy Roman Emperor Yugo Hugo IV dies because he finds someone elses shoe wedged next to his toilet.
  • 1915 - U.S. President Woodrow Wilson becomes the first American to get high on kittens.
  • 1915 - Pluto is photographed for the first time, discovering the first extra-terrestrial colony of human huffing kittens.
  • 1940 - Nazi scientists invent Fanta, a four-legged mammal that was supposed to huff just like a kitten, in order to overcome the Allied embargo of kittens.
  • 1942 - U.S. implements wartime rationing of kittens and all cats under two years old.
  • 1969 - Keith Richards swears that he has huffed his last kitten.
  • 1972 - After several hallucinogenic tigers, India and Bangladesh sign a friendship treaty.
  • 1978 - Keith Richards swears that he has huffed his last kitten.
  • 2003 - Saddam Hussein is forced to huff goats due to the impending U.S. invasion.
  • 2005 - Police loosed water cannons and tear gas on rioting French students and activists as they rampaged through a McDonald's in Paris. The French were apparently incensed by images of french fries being displayed on drive-thru menus.

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March 20: Procrastination Day (extends until tomorrow)

  • 1602 - The Dutch East India company is founded, paving the way for the trade of such goods as sugar, spices, human slaves, and additional sugar.
  • 1815 - After escaping from his exile in Elba using cheese, cocked berets, and other French sterotypes, Napoleon Bonaparte begins his "Hundred Days" Rule.
  • 1833 - Honest Jim starts his career out by selling his grandfather's false teeth back to him at nine times their original value.
  • 1852 - Hariet Beecher Stowe's Uncle Tom's Cabin was published, setting racial equality back for an estimated two hundred years.
  • 1864 - Dick Cheney gets bitten by a vampire. The vampires name is Wilfred Brimley.
  • 1874 - Oscar Wilde does something noteworthy, then writes a scathingly witty entry in his diary about it later that night.
  • 1883 - Eleven counties signed the Paris Convention for the Protection of Industrial Property, strictly outlawing the trade of ideas, dreams, and mind-control paraphanelia.
  • 1914 - The first international Figure Skating World Championships take place in Connecticut. The losers maintain their dignity.
  • 1984 - Dungeons & Dragons hits a new high note with the introduction of the Stock Broker playable character set, including Briefcase of Monotony and +2 Ballpoint Pen.

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March 21: Vernal Equinox (usually)

  • 5 A.D. - The first recorded instance of the question "What Would Jesus Do?" occurs when his mother asks what he wants for breakfast.
  • 1890 - Oscar Wilde pens his novel The Picture of Dorian Gray in the vicinity of one of his favorite sources of inspiration, a kitchen sink.
  • 1919 - The Treaty of Versailles is dictated to several secretaries, ending World War I. One of them is a German spy and covertly adds a clause mandating a sequel.
  • 1931 - The electric guitar is introduced, resulting in the genre of Rock 'n Roll being born and enjoying its peak during the Great Depression.
  • 1943 - In the last recorded mounted cavalry charge, soldiers on horseback from Austria-Hungary charge a battalion of Russian tanks and succeed in destroying 80% of them using only their broadswords and ceremonial poofy hats.
  • 1993 - The first video is uploaded on the internet: a skin flute performance.

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March 22: Water Day

  • 3400 BC - Citizens of Atlantis become so enamored with water that they decide to sink their island into the sea, which is principally composed of water.
  • 1745 - Water day is officially recognized by fish for the first time; when asked why fish officials reply, "for the halibut."
  • 1894 - Using "frozen water", the first playoff game for the Stanley Cup starts.
  • 1941 - The state of Washington enslaves water to generate electricity using the Grand Coulee Dam.
  • 1997 - Tara Lipinski, age 14 years and 10 months, becomes the youngest champion of the women's world frozen water walking competition.
  • 1999 - Oprah drinks water on her show. Water sales triple among women.
  • 2005 - Water invades New Orleans, Congress declares war on water.
  • 2008 - Four year old Amanda Dinkleschmidt celebrates water day by giving her goldfish some water.

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March 23: International Take Your Fish To Work Day

  • 139 - Roman historian Erraticus publishes the fourth version of Life of Trajan, this one portaying Trajan as an emperor and retracting the previous version's claims that Trajan was a talking donkey.
  • 1097 - St. Peter's Basilica was first used outside of the Vatican city during the first Crusades.
  • 1952 - Enid Blyton publishes her most famous work, The Three Colliwogs.
  • 1962 - Dozens of women march on Washington D.C. to politely request feminine rights. Their husbands go without supper.
  • 1974 - The last dirty liberal is sent to serve in the Vietnam War, rendering America a perfect utopia of conservatives for nearly eighteen months.
  • 2006 - Playstation 1 dies.
  • 2011 - Chuck Norris succeeds in destroying the last internet meme when he roundhouse kicks the final remaining Rick Astley music video into oblivion.

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March 24: International Do-It-Yourself Day

  • 1857 - Oscar Wilde pens his story The Soul of Man under Socialism while under something else.
  • 1943 - Jackson Pollock unveils his long-awaited third exhibition, featuring the classic Angsty Orange Tiger.
  • 1964 - The ping pong incident occurs at my high school, and will torment me for over forty years until my son avenges me.
  • 1991 - The first child is admitted to the hospital for Phonics addiction in the beginning of a nation-wide pandemic, resulting in thousands of kids becoming 'hooked'.
  • 1994 - Kitty porn makes its first appearance on the primitive internet.
  • 2004 - Goku is effected by the ping pong incident putting his father in shame for 40 more years.
  • 2007 - The first human trials of Neuroipods suffer drawbacks when a vast majority of test subjects contract iEllepsy.
  • 2010 - Sarah Palin kicks off the first annual Alaskan Sasquatch Appreciation Day.
  • 2043 - Ping pong becomes extinct after being shot by Dick Cheney as it was mistaken for a bike.
  • 2044 - The ping pong incident is never resolved.

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March 25: International Moose Preservation Day

  • 26 - The Pontius Pilot is released in Rome, increasing the ease of crucifiction planning considerably.
  • 1847 - The Wales Slate industry establishes itself as a frontrunner in industrial industry.
  • 1929 - The stock market crashes, bringing a screeching halt to the Roaring 20s and ushering in the bleak existence of the Muttering 30s.
  • 1950 - The Spanish Inquisition debuted on network television.
  • 1990 - The case of Pot v. Kettle goes to the Mississippi Court of Appeals.
  • 2003 - Black & Decker begin preliminary research into self-toasting bread.
  • 2005 - Moose preservation is celebrated on the internet for the first time.
  • 2010 - This date either happened in the past, in the present or the future. Either way, you're getting old.
  • 2014 - Sarah Palin is arrested for throwing a moose out of an airplane.

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March 26: Fast Food Day (America); Health Awareness Day (everywhere else)

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March 27: Global Pot day

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March 28: International hit sombody in the head with a brick day (Turkey)

  • 330 - Once Istanbul was Constantinople.
  • 1056 - In escalating crisis, Islamics behead 500 Christians.
  • 1057 - Not to be outdone, Christians behead 501 Muslims.
  • 1630 - (aside: Old New York was at this point New Amsterdam...why they changed it, I can't say--people just liked it better that way.)
  • 1923 - Modern day country of Turkey formed, people wonder at why it is named after a fat bird you eat for a holiday
  • 1930 - Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople.
  • 1939 - Hitler freaks out, and the German people just liked it better that way.
  • 1990 - Been a long time gone, Constantinople, now it's Turkish delight on a moonlit night.
  • 2006 - Every gal in Constantinople lives in Istanbul, not Constantinople, so if you've a date in Constantinople she'll be waiting in Istanbul.


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March 29: Get Down And Boogie Day in Orthodox Funk.

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March 30: National Cleavage Day (UK)

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March 31: Condom Appreciation Day

Shocked

you spent how much on balsa wood condoms?

  • 4000 B.C. - Babylonians create the first wooden condoms, resulting in much fewer unexpected pregnancies and many, many, many more splinter-related injuries.
  • 1865 - The modern condom is introduced, consisting of sheep stomach lining coated with sulfuric acid. It is quixotically not well received.
  • 1939 - With the invention of latex, the modern modern condom is introduced, single handedly ending the Great Depression.
  • 1958 - Condoms are mentioned on television for the first time, in an episode of The Flintstones entitled Put It Back In.
  • 1970 - National No-Condom decade kicks off at Studio 69 in New York City.
  • 1986 - AIDS becomes all the rage. Condom sales increase tenfold.
  • 2009 - The Pope claims that condoms would increase the number of people with AIDS in sub-Saharan Africa, in a similar manner to how exercise is unhealthy and cheeseburgers eat people.
  • 2010 - World's first condom-themed birthday party!
  • 2020 - Robotic condoms are invented.
  • 2030 - Robotic condoms, sick and tired of copulating with the female genitals turn gay!

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