- 4.5 million BC - Morgan Freeman created a planet full of dinausaur and asians from his diarrhea
- 1 million BC - Cthulhu invents Christmas, when bored.
- 1856 BC - Black people start writing.
- 1855 BC - Brown people begin developing a complex society.
- 1854 BC - Yellow people begin Astronomy.
- 1853 BC - White people start painting their arses blue.
- 1087 - St. Clittorus gets really pissed because she was promised to have this day named after herself but totally got screwed over.
- 1123 - Pope Callistus II declares the saintity of St. Dildo.
- 1284 - The Pied Piper lures 130 children of Hamelin away. Piping Hot Pies are soon outlawed.
- 1718 - The Tsar's son suspiciously turns up dead after he is sentenced to death.
- 1721 - Cthulhu invents Christmas II.
- 1927 - The Cyclone roller coaster opens on Coney Island
- 1928 - A cyclone comes to Coney Island and completely destroys it.
- 1963 - John F. Kennedy gives his famous "Ich bin ein Selbstgeschlechter" speech.
- 1981 - Tom Cruise brings to life a Giant Tampax, that, in an ironical twist of destiny, would kill him exactly 24 years later.
- 2005 - Tom Cruise is killed by a Giant Tampax in an ironical twist of fate.
- 2005 - Richard Whiteley dies after finally unscrambling the conundrum PIANOMENU
- 2016 - The 'this is today' gag is used for the first time in history.
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