- 3000bc - evolution invents Al Gore
- 846 - Black people begin to speak
- 846 - Brown people begin to write
- 846 - Yellow people begin to read. Glasses haven't been invented, so they must squint all the time.
- 846 - White people begin using the internet to look up porn
- 972 - Poland actually wins a battle for a change. They go on to lose every single battle since.
- 1146 - Under General Fishius, the Sardinian Empire victoriously raids Argentina causing enormous fishy destruction.
- 1374 - A sudden outbreak of Disco Fever causes people in the streets of Totentanz, Germany, to experience groovy hallucinations and begin to boogie and twitch uncontrollably until they all fall down.
- 1664 - Hell starts to get full. New Jersey is founded.
- 1733 - St. John's Harbour, the capital of the Dominion of Newfoundland, is founded and named for the patron saint of ambulances.
- 1739 - Bob flys to Uranus and the founds the United States Space Colony of Wookie Land.
- 1740 - Dominion of Newfoundland first wave invasion fails, Saint John, New Brunswick smells too bad
- 1902 - Pablo Picasso opens the first exhibition of his work. His artwork is found to be so offensive to artistic standards that he is given loads of money, declared the greatest living artist, and told to make more.
- 1912 - Québec takes the day off in celebration, not realising that the Newfies have five hundred septic tanks and, when they learn to drive them, are invading.
- 1936 -Al Gore invents evolution
- 1946 - Superboy discovers "strange hairs growing down... y'know"; officially becomes Superman.
- 1957 - U.S. Supreme Court rules that free speech doesn't protect porn and expletives. South Park is cancelled overnight, while strangely Playboy becomes more popular than ever.
- 2002 - Trains still don't work properly in Africa.
- 2004 - New York state declares the death penalty unconstitutional.
- 2005 - Texas begins executing New York's criminals on its behalf.
- 2009 - The end of the world (again...).
- 2010 - The Ant People push the world's reset button.
- 2015 - Pripyat is hit again by a Blowout.
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