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June 14: Really Really Long Events Day
- 1517 - Frank Cabbage proposes a sauerkraut engine in a paper to the Royal Flabbage Society entitled "A brief Enquiry upon the Application of Machinery into the Root and Terminal Causes of Dabbage in so Far as the Computation of Tables of Astronomical and Mathematical Usage are Necessitated by Research of a Nature which is Verily called Scientific." The paper is a wild success, and Cabbage was an instant celebrity across the known world. His movie career began shortly thereafter, in a morality play called "At Home by One's-Self, or, what could be Knowne as, Being Left Alone as a Child in a Building which Criminals seek to Enter and Plunder".
- 1842 - Kitten Huffing Karl, brother famed anti-drug activist Kitten Klubbing Klark, donates a considerable amount of Kittens to the Jack Bauer's Kitten Huffing Abuse Research Clinic for the Protection of Youths. However, the kittens were stolen en route by a small troupe of transsexual ninja clones from the local circus at Washington, D.C.. These ninjas were notorious for practicing Kitten Huffing and were wanted by the local authorities. This led to the land mark Supreme Court case of Karl v. Transsexual Ninja Clones Troupe. Fortunately, Chuck Norris went back into time and roundhouse kicked the ninjas in the face. They were prosecuted as Communazis of the first Reich, but before the punishment could be dealt, they were all afflicted with Decapitation Disease and died immediately after.
- 1861 - Melville P. Snort of What Cheer, Iowa, set a world record for the most kittens huffed in a single "sitting" (then the current measurement of kitten huffing stamina) -- 14,391,012.6. That record still stands today.
- 1959 - The tin of sardines that took over the world the previous day is defeated by the life force of Spiro T. Agnew.
- 1978 - Ben Vereen goes insane, riding a hobby-horse unicorn through Weehawken, New Jersey and destroying six laundromats in the process. He is later pardoned by Governor Flibberty V. MacNaughton III, because "those laundromats needed a good thumpin' anyway, and my buddy Ben was the perfect man to dish it out".
- 1981 - The world accidentally appoints a bemused dictator due to a tpying error.
- 2002 - Mel Gibson and Chuck Norris finish filming their critically acclaimed action/comedy buddy film, "The Laundry Room", where Chuck Norris plays a retired, alcoholic laundromat owner while Mel Gibson plays a slightly less retired and slightly less alchoholic laundromat owner. During the filming of the movie Gibson beat the sissy pants off of Norris for, "Being a little bitch," and this drove Norris to learn the art of Karate. He is now known to be one of the greatest fighters in the world and Mel Brooks is on his hit list. This drove Mel Gibson to produce the movie, "The Passion of the Christ", which, in fact, is a portrayal of what Gibson would do to Norris if Norris even came close to Gibson. The film is NOT a portrayal of the death of Jesus Christ as so many would believe. What gives way to the former theory is the phrase written in the ending credits stating, "Norris, if you even come close to me this shit is gonna happen to your ass!" Tensions have risen between Gibson and Norris ever since.