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Blackymuscles

June 1: International Steroids Appreciation Day

  • 72 BCEMoses takes steroids; parts the Red Sea.
  • 1869Thomas Edison receives a patent for his electric voting machine and makes millions selling the machines to Florida Republicans.
  • 1960New Zealand's first official television broadcast commences at 7:30 PM from Auckland. Ratings are low due to Kiwis not understanding how pictures and sounds can come from a box.
  • 1964Barry Bonds is born.
  • 1992 – Bud Selig brand steroids hit the shelves.
  • 1998Chuck Norris announces to press: "I never took steroids"
  • 1999 – Steroids announces to press: "I took Chuck Norris."
  • 2010 – One out of every three baseball players is suspected of abusing steroids. The other two-thirds claim to use steroids responsibly.
  • 2012 - Cyclist Lance Armstrong freely admits to using steroids, EPO and gratuitous Wheaties consumption, proving that steroids affect the brain.

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June 2: Doris Day

NapoleonBike

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Hello kitty toilet

June 3: Rhymes With Turd Day

  • 1692 - Poland is reversed.
  • 1881 - Sweary Mary utters the word cunt for the first time.
  • 1958 - The Rivingtons hit the Top 40 with The Turd Is the Word.
  • 1967 - First instance of the phrase "June the Third" being rhymed with "turd". What took us so long?
  • 1971 - First invasion of the Kurds.
  • 1977 - Melvin Rogers becomes first person to be arrested for DUI. How'd they know? His speech was slurred.
  • 1980 - First all-nude production of Richard the Third.
  • 1982 - In Wercestershire, Uruguay, is born William Hurd.
  • 1985 - On Top of the Pops, The Herndy-Gurds perform Little Bird.
  • 1990 - First version of Revenge of the Nerds.
  • 1998 - Rhymes With Turd Day is officially abolished, putting an end to the absurd.
  • 1999 - Some clever ponce works out that Damien Hurst's last name has an internal rhyme with turd. He is lynched for being a smart-arse.
  • 2006 - Man realizes every word rhymes with turd.
  • 2007 - Last man standing finally sits down. Word!
  • 2008 - French man asplodes after talking like Sylvester Stallone for twenty-three hours. The last thing he said was «Murde!».

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Battle of Midway

June 4: International Deserved Child Abuse Victim Day and International Celebrate Yesterday Day

  • 1452Christopher Columbus outvoted on naming the Santa Maria, "The Shitbag."
  • 1453 – Columbus sells children into sex slavery, starting an American tradition. It will ensure an unending supply of future mass murderers so that newsfeeds will have something to write about.
  • 1776Thomas Jefferson asks for first two-week extension on the Declaration of Independence.
  • 1863 – Rain causes International Celebrate Yesterday Day to be put off until next day; mass confusion results.
  • 1900 – John Jefferson of Oak Ridge, PA awakes from forty-year sleep. Dies of asphyxiation inside coffin.
  • 1942 – The Battle of Midway begins with a surprise attack on Konami. (pictured)
  • 1946 – The father of Donald Trump screams at his son on a regular basis, creating the president we know and love today.
  • 1976 – Americans celebrate bicentennial of Thomas Jefferson asking for his first two-week extension on the Declaration of Independence.
  • 1980 – Every child abuse offender was released in Texas due to prison overcrowding and a decline in child abuse.
  • 1989 – Many young people are gleefully beaten, killed, and abused in the Tiananmen Square massacre.
  • 2006 – June 3rd, 2006 is celebrated despite being International Celebrate Tomorrow Day.
  • 2013Republicans and nostalgists yearn for the good old days of killer influenza and other fatal diseases, as well as incessant war; they prove not to be satisfied with just the latter today.

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Dracula-prince-of-darkness

June 5: Vampire Appreciation Day

  • 1452 - At the age of 21, Vlad III the Impaler (also known as Dracula), conquered all of Europe, half of Asia, and parts of Africa in less than 4 hours. He then received the Nobel Peace Prize for this in 1452 and in every other year until his death in 1476 out of the UN's fear of being impaled.
  • 1548 - An army of zombie Beavers invades Earth. In a short time they conquer every piece of our planet. Two years of beaver domination later the beavers leave to begin a new life on the Moon.
  • 1632 - Dracula becomes "The Tyrant Formerly Known as Vlad the Impaler".
  • 1783 - The hot air balloon, powered by Oscar Wilde, successfully tested.
  • 1851 - The band Warrant releases anti-slavery song Uncle Tom's Cabin.
  • 1878 - Professor Van Helsing declares that vampirism might be prevented by eating huge amounts of shit. Shit prices raise to values never seen before.
  • 1878 - Huge pandemic of typhoid develops in Europe after millions of people followed the advices of Professor Van Helsing. Shit prices drop to the lowest values ever seen. The phrase "ain't worth shit" is coined.
  • 1879 - Politics are invented. Price of shit skyrockets once again.
  • 1943 - The Second Great War is being fought in Europe and Allied forces find that Hitler had made a deal with David Bowie and Count Dracula to help him in his war effort. Later it was discovered that this deal was for his soul, so he is now rotting in hell for his sins with Bowie drinking his bone marrow.
  • 1955 - Percy, the promiscuous cat, begins his debut in West End Theatre and remains startled at the volume of the live orchestra throughout the 3 acts.
  • 1956 - Walt Disney dies after being stabbed in the heart with a stake in the heart in a hilarious incident where he was mistaken for a vampire. Later that day his body was frozen and his head incinerated, in another series of funny mishaps.
  • 1973 - Henry Kissinger mistakenly orders the CIA to overthrow the government of Chile. The original idea was to overthrown China's government. Later that day, Kissinger declared "Oops" to the media.
  • 1988 - Steve Urkel becomes the third president of Zimbabwe only to be overthrown by every person in Africa.
  • 1989 - With the fall of the Berlin Wall the people of Germany rejoice only to later be killed by the future president of the United States Arnold Presidentator, when he began filming his final film, Plan 9 from Mr. President.
  • 1992 - The start of the "Nukes Means Goals" campaign, when the Southport FC manager stored nuclear weapons in his team's changing room and threatened to detonate them if they lost.
  • 2001 - God sues Google over Google Earth because it is breaching copyrights. Google lose $3 million and change Google Earth to Google Moon. The lawsuit against Google Moon has not been resolved yet.
  • 2003 - Postman Pat was caught breaking into a Soho sex shop.
  • 2007 - McDonalds start one-day special offer, giving away a free emo member of staff with every Big Mac meal. Vampires come in their millions. McDonalds make the offer permanent and also stretch to give away Chavs. Vampires everywhere cringe.
  • 2009 - Twilight movie is released, millions of vampires commit suicide.
  • 2030 - A time machine is invented and sent back in time to destroy the Twilight movie. It all goes horribly wrong and instead the X-Men Trilogy is destroyed. Millions of mutants commit suicide.
  • 2031 - You wake up. The vampires were all just a bad dream.

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Satan birthday

June 6: Cat Polishing Day

  • 6666 BCE - Happy Birthday, Satan!
  • 6665 BCE - Happy Birthday, Santa!
  • 6 CE - Computer geeks begin to worry about the transition to two-digit years, doomsayers proclaim the end times and the birth of Anti-Jesus.
  • 1670 - The fourth dimension is discovered in Detroit.
  • 1671 - The scientist who discovered the fourth dimension dies inside it.
  • 1689 - The Bastille is stormed.
  • 1690 - The person who wrote the above entry rebuilds it.
  • 1789 - Sidcup is built in Margate.
  • 1800 - Dinner time.
  • 1890 - Sidcup is moved to its present location.
  • 1893 - Sidcup is demolished.
  • 1894 - Sidcup is rebuilt as a town.
  • 1900 - Centennial celebration of dinner time.
  • 1946 - George W. Bush hits the US (with a big fucking stick).
  • 1966 - Overpolishing of cats results in the creation of the Sphynx breed.
  • 1987 - The physical embodiment of the god of whores is born in a small general hospital in London to a family with too many cats.
  • 1998 - Satan builds the Flux capacitor, but nobody seems to care.
  • 1999 - The Millennium Dome sneaks off to the Bell and Dragon in Bath for a pint.
  • 2001 - John The Baptist meets Jesus in the local Blue Peter Bring & Buy sale. He opts to buy the cross Jesus is carrying, but turns it down in favour of a My Little Pony annual.
  • 2003 - World shortage of pie day. Millions commit suicide.
  • 2006 - The day of Satan, and my ex-wife's birthday! Coincidence?
  • 2008 - Satan decides to put off Armageddon to celebrate his birthday with his cats.

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Archimedes jail

June 7: Bus Stop Day

  • 6001 BCE - Blueprints for square wheel rejected in favor of triangular wheel.
  • 6000 BCE - Circular wheel invented.
  • 5000 BCE - Wheel reinvented. Saying "no need to reinvent the wheel" coined.
  • 215 BCE - Archimedes is arrested for indecent exposure.
  • 8 CE - Portuguese scientists invent the first water-powered toaster.
  • 1221 - Heinrich the magical Unicorn becomes the first president of the North Pole.
  • 1222 - Mary has a little lamb... with gravy.
  • 1345 - Man invents the bus stop several hundred years before inventing the bus.
  • 1444 - Thailand walks to the corner shop for a newspaper.
  • 1555 - The bus is invented in Horsham, West Sussex.
  • 1666 - UN headquarters moves from New Björk City to New York. 3 bus lines are rerouted.
  • 1700 - Aeroplanes were invented. 95% of bus-related companies collapsed.
  • 1776 - On this date in 1776 the Carebear Cousins were born in an strange incident involving vinegar, a busted condom, and Bill Gates' mother. Care-a-Lot was never the same.
  • 1777 - The first water powered bus is brought into service in New Atlantis.
  • 1783 - The Montgolfier Brothers had a really good wash. It was indeed an impressive sight.
  • 1905 - Norway files for divorce from Sweden after 91 years of marriage. Bus custody is split equitably with visitation rights granted.
  • 1973 - Tony Jaa waits for a bus to the Coliseum so he can fight Bruce Lee.
  • 2001 - Mary Poppins is brutally murdered outside Aldgate East tube station.
  • 2003 - Mick Jagger still can't get no satisfaction.
  • 2008 - Absolutely nothing of note happened. CNN, Fox News and MSNBC all explode.
  • 2009 - On the first anniversary of Absolutely Nothing Of Note Happened Day, the bus stops outside CNN and MSNBC explode (Fox only has limos).
  • 2010 - Mick Jagger finally achieves satisfaction. His arrest at back of bus while doing so later plea bargained down to misdemeanor.
  • 2017 - Self-driving buses start service and pass up people waiting at bus stops, just like in the days with drivers.

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Doctor-what

June 8: Be Suspicious of Your Friends and Co-Workers (They're Trying to Kill You) Day

  • 1210 - Rain is discovered by Vatican scientists.
  • 1213 - The Vatican, under Pope Innocent III, creates purgatory.
  • 1312 - King Edward II became the first man to successfully grow a goatee beard.
  • 1798 - North Dakota moves to its present location from beside the River Thames.
  • 1861 - Tennessee secedes from the Union. Nissan decides it will build its plant there after all.
  • 1900 - Hitler's moustache is born.
  • 1901 - The Queen of the United Kingdom, Empress of Canada, Grand Sheila of Australia, Most Merciful Pasha of Yorkshire, is expelled from her mother's uterus into the world.
  • 1949 - 35 years after starting it, George Orwell finally completes his futuristic novel Nineteen Fourty-Four.
  • 1963 - Doctor What changes his name to Doctor Who.
  • 1969 - Bill Clinton fails to inhale.
  • 1979 - Mel Gibson speaks in enhanced Aussie accent after discovering he was born in Peekskill, New York.
  • 1983 - The United States Government collapses then reforms in a period of twelve hours, no one notices because a cute kitten is born on TV.
  • 2011 - You read this. Wished you had not bothered.

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Newfoundland Moose Sign

June 9: Moose Conservation Day (North America), Scientific Blunders Awareness Day

  • 36 CE - Jesus Christ saves a moose who becomes an apostle to spread the Word in the Americas. It only manages to get tangled up in clotheslines and trip over lawn furniture.
  • 1491 – A cave painting is discovered which would later be the inspiration for the movie Opiate of the Molasses.
  • 1567 – Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow. Doctors amazed at how it stayed so clean while she gave birth to it.
  • 1920 – First solar-powered air balloon launched at night.
  • 1926 – First refrigerator invented. Originally marketed for killing people slowly and coldly.
  • 1940 – The team of scientists at Los Alamos begin work on the Manhattan Project. They construct the world's first nuclear weapons after the US government's promise to only use them for peaceful nuclear bombings.
  • 1954 - Exactly 100 years to the day that Charles Darwin finished penning the The Origin of Species rough draft. The lapse of 100 years' time is called into question due to missing transitional forms.
  • 1969 – Sex is created. However, scientists do not think it will be a big hit.
  • 1988 – The VHS video entitled Steal This Movie becomes the world's most widely stolen merchandise. Politicians baffled.
  • 1993 – The case of Pot v. Kettle goes to the Supreme Court.
  • 2003Open-Heart Surgery for Dummies notches its record-breaking 500th lawsuit.
  • 2009George Lucas changes history to make it look like a moose got a shot in first. Fans of Greedo outraged.
  • 2016Star Wars fans are unable to lynch George Lucas at San Diego Comic-Con as he keeps all his profits from the sale of the franchise in gold coins duct-taped to his body and is far too heavy to lift.

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Facehugger dinner 01

June 10: Try a New Type of Crappy Food Day, Processed Food Product Appreciation Day

  • 31964 BCE - World population reaches 15.
  • 31963 BCE - Earth's population becomes 14.5 after strange boulder incident occurs.
  • 31962 BCE - Space hobos forced back into ocean once and for all, there is much rejoicing.
  • 69 CE - A new way of having sex is invented although not the 69, oddly enough. It was the much less popular 1^1^1, which never really caught on.
  • 1932 - Harlem renaissance poet Langston Hughes writes the first Yo momma joke.
  • 1979 - Hershey's releases their first non-candy effort, Hugs. (pictured) It does not prove to be popular, as most people are found trying it only once.
  • 1992 - The Cherokee Nation becomes extinct due to overpopulation of Grue.
  • 2005 - Rosie O'Donnell explodes from over-eating again. Out of 9 lives she now only has one left.
  • 2006 - Wayne Rooney kicks a football on live television – crowd goes wild.
  • 2007 - The second coming of Elvis occurs. First words are 'I was just kidding everybody...uh huh.'
  • 2007 - David Letterman tells something funny. A local black community want him on the KFC menu.
  • 2007 - The King's second drug problem is revealed when he is found dead at a Toronto convenience store near the cave he was hiding in.
  • 2007 - Pete Sampras declared world's first lead-eating champion by default after being held up in traffic for tournament duration.
  • 2010 - First koala goes to the Moon, makes a thrilling scientific discovery and wins the Nobel Prize. Everyone makes 'Aww...' noises. Nine thousand disillusioned koalas top themselves.
  • 2016 - The Colonel's recipe of eleven herbs and spices is accidentally revealed, exposing the two-thousand-year-old Illuminati/space alien/Bush/Clinton conspiracy to control the world's supply of food that comes in buckets.view -

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John Locke confused

June 11: Ontological Empiricism Day

  • 1770 - Captain James Cook wonders whether the Great Barrier Reef actually 'exists', or is simply a bundle of sense-data, which is 'perceived' by most to be a coral reef. He is driven mad within minutes.
  • 1879 - The Prince of Oranges and Lemons dies.
  • 1922 - The Society of Post-postmodernism declares ontological empiricism shallow and pedantic.
  • 1945 - The last day Kyle was seen... Have you seen Kyle?
  • 1963 - A Buddhist monk, believing himself to have perfected fireproof clothing, performs a public demonstration of the clothes by setting himself on fire in a crowded Vietnamese street. Predictably, the monk himself was not fireproof and burned to death.
  • 1979 - The constituencies of Ontological and Empirical both redrawn as safe Liberal Democrat seats, as no other party understand them.
  • 1993 - Margaret Thatcher lost in Woolworths; found near Pic'n'Mix.
  • 1999 - Cheese is reinvented as a basic element after complaints from several pan-dimensional beings.
  • 2004 - Bare assertion fallacy rediscovered as brash, and somewhat tittilating.
  • 2005 - Uncyclopedia users baffled by the words 'ontological', 'empiricism', and in some cases, 'day'. Due to that, no-one understands the June 11 On This Day.
  • 2006 - Uncyclopedia users, armed with pocket thesauruses, attempt to post something relevant. Success is extremely limited.
  • 2007 - The creator of Ontological Empiricism Day is punched in the face by God. 'Here you have a proof of both your existence and logos!' declared the agressor.
  • 2008 - The Hermeneutic Society votes against holding Ontological Empiricism Day, quoting the 'Universe Indexed Properties and the Fate of the Ontological Argument' papers.
  • 2010 - Steve Irwin confirmed as 'still dead'.

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Chernobyl elephant

June 12: Elephant Flossing Day, Hug a Proctologist Day

  • 1885 - At a murder trial in France, a roof collapses, killing 30 people, finally ending the vicious cycle of "justice" in France once and for all!
  • 1932 - Current month begins bustin' out all over, ends up leaving a horrible mess. Incident later depicted in the musical Carousel.
  • 1939 - In northern Africa, Adolf Hitler refuses to floss an elephant as a gesture of welcome from a local tribe, as "it could be full of gay". Tribesmen chase him out, and he takes his anger out on Poland soon after.
  • 1987 - In Chernobyl, Russian Emperor Mikhail Gorbachev accidentally misflosses an elephant during the Chernobyl Elephant Flossing Day Annual Festival. As a result, reactor #2 at the Chernobyl nuclear flossing plant explodes, killing 42 people and injuring one elephant.
  • 1987 - Schenectady woman Joyce Q. Spepple claims to see vision of Virgin Mary in a taco salad; it is later proven to be a secret message from Helen Reddy.
  • 1987 - In Berlin, Ronald Reagan challenges Mikhail Gorbachev to "tear down this wall." The Battle of the Berlin Wall ensues over trellis styles and flowering vine colors.
  • 1987 - Reagan forgets what the Battle of the Berlin Wall was about.
  • 1987 - Borg attack sector 001 (before breakfast) reminding Reagan that "resistance is futile". Reagan nukes Borg while shouting "Assimilate this motherflossers!".
  • 1987 - All women's underwear declared illegal in Warsaw Pact nations. NATO, having seen Warsaw Pact women, don't really care.
  • 1987 - World attacked by aliens from Pluto (lunchtime). Pluto declared a non-planet, attack vaporizes as they are not real.
  • 1987 - World stock markets crash. Lehman Brothers is given a ticket for "failure to yield". Markets rebound and begin dating other markets.
  • 1987 - 2,479,802 other major civilization-threatening events occur. No one notices due to Communist underwear crisis.
  • 2010 - Justin Beiber, Taylor Lautner and Robert Pattinson are all found dead after an apparent fight over who got to fuck Kristen Stewart. Kristen's response was "Fuck you, you motherfuckers. Justin Beiber? He ain't even legal. No one's gonna come between me and my man, Robert. Wait, Robert's dead? Oh HELL NO!"
  • 2011 - Garden Gnome sexing becomes an Olympic sport. Justin Beiber is named captain of Canadian and United States teams.

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Rockhardrock

June 13: Double Entendre Day *wink wink*

  • 0 - The snake convinces Eve to eat the apple. "You will not die," he said to Eve, giggling.
  • 1891 - A horse walks into a bar for first time. Historians are not sure if he was a little horse.
  • 1898 - A chicken "crosses the road" for the first time, but the event goes unnoticed by the media except for the news truck that ran it over.
  • 1954 - A priest, rabbi and a minister walk into a bar, an event also unnoticed by media due to lame double entendre jokes that follow.
  • 1955 - Martin McFly goes "back to the future" where things are "heavy" and Oedipal projection problems develop, requiring playing of Johnny B. Goode before it is written.
  • 1956 - The word "whoa" is uttered the first time in history by a man seeing the worlds most beautiful woman completely naked being eaten by a giant robot octopus skateboarding out of a burning helicopter.
  • 1967 - Thurgood Marshall "joins" the Supremes. The newly augmented group shortly releases their next album, For Great Justice.
  • 1973 - Double Entendre Day is "celebrated" for first time.
  • 1974 - A blonde agrees to a double entendre on the condition that all participants use protection.
  • 1979 - George Lucas "releases" his biggest movie.
  • 1981 - Quotation marks become "compulsory" to denote double entendres. Everybody "agrees" to this new law. Some "people" oppose the "abuse" of the "quotation" mark, obtaining a null "support" from the media (wink, wink, double wink).
  • 1982 - Magic Johnson "roots" Yao Ming, gets AIDS.
  • 1983 - Pioneer 10 becomes the first "man-made" object" to "pass the orbit" of Pluto. Uncyclopedian avoids easy Uranus joke.
  • 1985 - Martin McFly comes "back from the future". Girlfriend "likes his truck" and McFly "gets his truck waxed".
  • 1997 - A woman enters into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. And the barman "gives her one".
  • 2000 - World's first self-reflexive "double entendre" is created.
  • 2000 - George W. Bush makes one of his hundreds of speeches to "help" America (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).
  • 2001 - World's worst double entendre "is" created.
  • 2004 - A woman pulls in to a gas station and asks the attendant to "fill her up". Attendant sells her some petrol. Opportunity for double entendre is missed, attendant is lynched.
  • 2005 - Captain Crunch "promoted" to admiral for "services" to the nation.
  • 2006 - Someone "tries really hard" to "cram in", "as many" double entendres as is "humanly possible" "to do in one" sentence "without stopping" "making sense", but "falls at the last post", (*wink, wink*).
  • 2007 - A woman walks into a bar, but faints before the barman can make a double entendre. Woman is taken to hospital. Doctor tries desperately to save the double entendre that could have been, but sadly fails and the woman dies.

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Longcat

June 14: Really Really Long Events Day

  • 1517 - Frank Cabbage proposes a sauerkraut engine in a paper to the Royal Flabbage Society entitled "A Brief Enquiry Upon the Application of Machinery into the Root and Terminal Causes of Dabbage Insofar as the Computation of Tables of Astronomical and Mathematical Usage Are Necessitated by Research of a Nature Which Is Verily Called Scientific." The paper is a wild success, and Cabbage becomes an instant celebrity across the known world. His movie career begins shortly thereafter in a morality play called "At Home by One's-Self, or, What Could Be Knowne as, Being Left Alone as a Child in a Building Which Criminals Seek to Enter and Plunder".
  • 1842 - Kitten Huffing Karl, brother to famed anti-drug activist Kitten Klubbing Klark, donates a considerable amount of kittens to the Jack Bauer's Kitten Huffing Abuse Research Clinic for the Protection of Youth. However, the kittens are stolen en route by a small troupe of transsexual ninja clones from the local circus at Washington, D.C.. These ninjas were notorious for practicing kitten huffing and were wanted by the local authorities. This led to the landmark Supreme Court case of Karl v. Transsexual Ninja Clones Troupe.
  • 1861 - Melville P. Snort of What Cheer, Iowa, sets a world record for the most kittens huffed in a single "sitting" (then the current measurement of kitten huffing stamina) -- 14,391,012.6. That record still stands today.
  • 1959 - The tin of sardines that took over the world the previous day is defeated by the life force of Spiro T. Agnew.
  • 1978 - Ben Vereen goes insane, riding a hobby-horse unicorn through Weehawken, New Jersey and destroying six laundromats in the process. He is later pardoned by Governor Flibberty V. MacNaughton III, because "those laundromats needed a good thumpin' anyway, and my buddy Ben was the perfect man to dish it out".
  • 1981 - The world accidentally appoints a bemused dictator due to a tpying error.
  • 2002 - Worldwide stars Mel Gibson and Chuck Norris finish filming their critically acclaimed action/comedy buddy film, The Laundry Room, where Chuck Norris plays a retired, alcoholic laundromat owner while Mel Gibson plays a slightly less retired and slightly less alchoholic laundromat owner. During the filming of the movie, Gibson beats the sissy pants off of Norris for "being a little bitch" and this incident will drive Norris to learn the art of karate. He is now known to be one of the greatest fighters in the world and Mel Brooks is on his hit list. This leads Mel Gibson to produce the movie The Passion of the Christ which, in fact, is a portrayal of what Gibson would do to Norris if Norris even came close to Gibson. The film is NOT a portrayal of the death of Jesus Christ as so many would believe. What gives rise to the former theory is the phrase written in the ending credits stating, "Norris, if you even come close to me this shit is gonna happen to your ass!". Tensions have risen between Gibson and Norris ever since.

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Oadray ignsay (ropcay)

Une-jay 15: Ig-pay Atin-lay Ay-day

  • 1066 - Agnet-may Ars-cay are-ay atented-pay.
  • 1067 - E-tay Ishop-bay of-ay East-ay Anglia-ay invents-ay ocolate-chay.
  • 1219 - Denmark's flag, oldest in history, falls out of the sky. A battle between the Danish and some country of lesser importance then turns in the favor of the Danes, likely because the flag landed point-down on the King of the other country, say intelligent Harvard graduates. Pig Latin professionals will later laugh at the inability to translate this long sentence into Pig Latin.
  • 1777 - Illard-may Illmore-fay eates-cray e-thay Ig-pay Atin-lay Olitical-pay Arty-pay, a-ay one-issue-ay arty-pay evoted-day o-tay aking-may Ig-pay Atin-lay e-thay ational-nay anguage-lay.
  • 1836 - Arkansas becomes a state. Pig latin lobbyists disappointed by impossibility of the name.
  • 1877 - Illard-may Illmore-fay as-hay a-ay entennial-cay elebration-cay. Oth-bay embers-may ow-shay up-ay.
  • 1878 - Illard-may Illmore-fay ives-gay up-ay altogether-ay, and-ay erases-ay everyone's-ay ind-may of is-hay arty-pay.
  • 1905 - Apmobile-cray ounded-fay y-bay Omas-thay Apper-cray in-ay Etroit-day, MI.
  • 1975 - Angelina-ay Olie-jay is-ay orn-bay in-ay Uuk-nay, Eenland-gray. Er-hay Eskimo-ay eritage-hay accounts-ay or-fay er-hay ood-gay ooks-lay.
  • 1992 - Usic-may as-ay e-way ow-knay it-ay, ecides-day o-tay implode-ay. Is-thay is-ay ood-gay ecause-bay eople-pay art-stay istening-lay o-tay etro-ray.
  • 2005 - Pope announces all new announcements will be announced by announcement in Pig Latin.
  • 2006 - Ew-nay Opep-ay lectede-ay.
  • 2018 - Ey-hay, at's-thay oday-tay!
  • 2018 - Uh-thy ope-pey eclairs-day at-they oose-mey as-brey are-ay illegal-ay.(-day)

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Pope gets down

June 16: World Hunger Appreciation Day

  • 1586 - Mary Queen of Scots takes tea, foregoes crumpet. Thrown in Tower by Elizabeth I five days later.
  • 1600 - Thomas Jefferson discovers Pokemon on his pants on a trip to the Cheese Sandwich Islands.
  • 1837 - The muffin man began to build his reputation.
  • 1846 - Pius IX is elected pope on the strength of his fetching rendition of the Macarena. Through similar means he later secures successive terms in office and becomes the longest-reigning pope since the days of St. Peter's last miracle.
  • 1858 - Abraham Lincoln famously states that a house divided against itself cannot support itself very well and might very well lean to one side or perhaps fall over in some cases, if not completely just remain as is until some unfortunate earthquake or something ends its crippled being.
  • 1889 - King Richard stands trial for attempting to murder his neighbor's cat with a ceramic lawn gnome
  • 1897 - The United States, in honor of Abraham Lincoln's legacy, officially annexes Hawaii and oppresses the natives.
  • 1904 - Bloomsday. The events of James Joyce's novel, Ulysses, take place. Nothing happens.
  • 1916 - Lost explorers discover what they believe to be the only flower living within a 250km radius of the South Pole. They divide it up and eat it ravenously but still die from hypothermia.
  • 1932 - Wet Biscuit McGlee records the first blues album on 72-track digital tape.
  • 1944 - David Norris born, world never quite the same again.
  • 1952 - A plush dog toy braves the high seas of the English Channel in a brave attempt to find his father in France. It is dognapped by a skilled team of dognappers.
  • 1968 - The Rhode Island Toothpick Massacre: Newton G. Hardwick of Pawtucket steals a box of toothpicks from a local Wal-Mart and goes on a rampage, leaving one person bruised and five more slightly peeved.
  • 1968 - The Grease Hut donates four industrial-sized vats of grease to starving children in Africa. However, even they won't touch the stuff.
  • 1969 - Plush dog toy escapes from captivity by mauling his captors to death; shares compelling story with French media. Dog toy eventually finds father, a stuffed German shepherd.
  • 1975 - Speed Racer breaks through Mach 5.
  • 1996 - Thomas The Tank Engine makes a TV come-back after reenacting The Great Train Robbery.
  • 2002 - The graphic designer who created Comic Sans dies a slow, painful death. Millions grin smugly.
  • 2006 - Some Uncyclopedia user creates a crappy entry on June 16, 2006 about Microsoft. It is promptly deleted by a literate user.

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Abe

June 17: Presidential Mullet Day, Bill Clinton Sex Definition Day

  • c.7000 BCE - First Intel PC domesticated.
  • 1707 - The Knig of Svïden celebrates his 25th birthday by hosting an 80s party. The music of Sir Henry Purcell hits the charts in Svïden, but Bach and Händel have no old music to rip off. Vivaldi expresses his hope that the Knig could hurry up and die.
  • 1878 - Mount Everest is built by Nepal to encourage tourism growth and annoy Tibet.
  • 1885 - The Statue of Liberty arrives in New York Harbor and agrees to stand the test of time.
  • 1969 - Godzilla defeats his Chinese nemesis, Maozilla.
  • 1970 - A child is born. Well done, you! And without a physician or midwife? Clever Dick!
  • 1972 - Christmas is ruined forever.
  • 1980 - For three minutes, regicide is all the rage.
  • 1982 - Star Wars Episode VII: The Phantom Boner hits retail stores as a straight-to-video release.
  • 1992 - Lieutenant Planet is promoted to Captain Planet.
  • 1993 - George Bush first discovers about world suffering. Also realizes the world doesn't revolve around him, everything revolves around the Earth.
  • 1994 - Homer "O.J." Simpson is chased down and arrested on suspicion of murdering his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and Ned Flanders.
  • 1994 - Judge Lance Ito becomes the most famous human being ever.
  • 1995 - Activists raid a waffle breeding facility and manage to set thousands of waffles bred in captivity free. Using waffles for clothing and drug paraphernalia will be banned in 1999.
  • 2001 - Millions agree that Special K ain't that special after all.
  • 2002 - Billions wonder what happened to the Regular K.
  • 2003 - Trillions get together on the interwebs and invent Super K.
  • 2004 - Willie Nelson finally gives up on the Rubik's cube.

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Barrel 02

June 18: International Delicious Beverage Day

  • 4500 BCE – Sumerians invent beer; burping becomes popular throughout the known world.
  • 4486 BCE – First sighting of pink elephants, well before standard elephants were known in most places.
  • 1264 – The Parliament of Ireland meets for the first time at Castledermot in County Kildare. While in session, the parliament discusses beer rationing, leprechaun sightings, and whiskey rationing, and also hires St. Patrick to address the rampant snake problem.
  • 1759 – Guinness opens its first brewery. Testers consume the entire output for the first year before being fired.
  • 1812War of 1812: The US Congress declares war on the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland. The British respond by taxing the US tea supply to ridiculous proportions, and ceasing the exporting of cricket and croquet materials to North America.
  • 1887 – The Reinsurance Treaty between Germany and Russia is signed, ending all conflicts between the two nations permanently. [citation needed]
  • 1917 – The first carbonated drink is put on the market. People are unaware of the dangers in Cocaine Cola.
  • 1920 – Charles Grigg begins selling 7-Up, a carbonated drink containing lithium citrate. IT'SUPPOSEDTOBEAMOODSTABI LIZERFORBIPOLARS! I'M TALkINg TOyoU!! HEY!!liSTEN UP!! wHADDAYAmEAN IT'SnoT an iNGREDIEnT anYMoRE??
  • 1928 – Aviator Amelia Earhart becomes the first woman to fly in an aircraft across the Atlantic Ocean (she was a passenger; Wilmer Stutz was the pilot and Lou Gordon the mechanic). She also becomes the first woman to nag a pilot in midflight across the Atlantic Ocean.
  • 1978 – Jonestown Massacre occurs with many drinking poisoned Kool Aid to commit suicide. Poisoned Grape flavor becomes a big seller.
  • 1983Space Shuttle program: STS-7, Astronaut Sally Ride becomes the first American woman in space. She also becomes the first American woman to nag a fellow astronaut in space.
  • 2007St. Peter's Basilica is most likely to awaken from its two-year slumber on this day, according to Vatican-sponsored astrological studies. False Popes are currently being prepared to divert its attention and appetite in anticipation of events on the day.
  • 2009 - International Delicious Beverage Day cancelled due to European Bovril famine.

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Potatopedia

June 19: Faja Day (Netherlands); Irony Is Ironic Day (UK)

  • 1138 - George Lucas devises the evil world-conquering plan of THX.
  • 1269 - King Louis IX of France orders all Jews found in public without an identifying yellow badge to be fined, "if they want to be fined, but really, if they want trouble, run away quickly, cause I think they breathe fire and stuff".
  • 1443 - Graham The Bastard is crowned King of Ireland.
  • 1770 - Somebody says "Jesus is coming soon". His followers are still waiting.
  • 1776 - In the beginning of the American Revolution, the Boston Herald proclaims: "HOLY SHIT! WE'RE WINNING!"
  • 1792 - The Holy Puzzle Potato of St. Sophia is officially missing from the French treasury. (pictured)
  • 1816 - William Henry Webb is born; he vows to make a world wide name for himself. Invents extremely silly game.
  • 1865 - Slaves in Texas finally figure out that they're free, only two years after being told so.
  • 1866 - Slaves in Texas, after much debate, decide to go back to being slaves because they don't know what else to do.
  • 1867 - Slaves in Texas realize that they can breathe fire and shoot lasers out of their eyes, and soon proceed to take over the Bush administration.
  • 1943 - Race wars are held Beaumont, Texas, leaving the tally: Whites – 287; Everyone else – 0.
  • 1953 - The Rosenbergs commit suicide by electric chair in Sing Sing Sing Prison.
  • 1980 - Freddy Mercury spies a silhouette on the wall.
  • 1983 - Batman has New Year's Eve Party at Wayne Manor. In attendance are Spiderman, Superman, and Wonder Woman among others, but a lonely Bruce Banner is left out of the loop.
  • 1984 - The Incredible Hulk is born.
  • 1989 - Hamburger Helper slaps Chef Boyardee; Valachi family outraged.
  • 2007 - Gary Coleman's low budget commercial is aired on ABC.
  • 2008 - Jamie Lynn Spears gives birth to bastard daughter, Maddie.
  • 2009 - Osama Bin Laden voted biggest dick in universe for ninth straight year.
  • 2010 - Neo enters the Matrix again. Changes back to Mr. Anderson.
  • 2011 - The exact day that the June 19, 1867 entry is made.

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Kiwi with button 01

June 20: "Have A Nice Day" Day, Nice Day Appreciation Day (New Zealand), Just Another Day (Earth)

  • A Long Time Ago in a Galaxy Far, Far Away: Darth Vader, The Emperor, Yoda and Luke Skywalker are ordered by the Imperial Senate to take acting lessons.
  • 1782 - The U.S. Congress establishes the Great Seal of the United States. It is a California seal named Buster.
  • 1801 - Buster killed in British terrorist attack on Brooklyn Zoo. Buster's daughter Bibi named National Seal. Salmon stage protests in major cities.
  • 1877 - Alexander Graham Bell installs the world's first telephone service so that he can build his phone sex empire – it would become very successful.
  • 1883 - Oscar Wilde completes his play The Duchess of Paduan, which would later be converted into the Star Wars septology.
  • 1893 - Lizzie Borden is acquitted for the murders of her father and stepmother, mostly due to the court allowing Borden to brandish an axe at the prosecution, judge, jurors, and small children in the audience.
  • 1923 - The United States government interrupts 30 years of nothing happening on June 20 to wish everyone "a nice day."
  • 1925 - The "Have A Nice Day" riots finally subside.
  • 1926 - Indictments for "Have A Nice Day" riots quashed. Judge says "have a nice day". Riots resume, ending after martial law declared.
  • 1927 - Everyone finally has a nice day on Have A Nice Day Riots Day Day. Only minor rioting happens, as people too confused by name of day.
  • 1959 - A rare hurricane strikes Canada's Gulf of St. Lawrence, destroying vast Sasquatch habitat and postponing the National Curling Championships.
  • 1963 - The United States and the Soviet Union establish the "red telephone" line so that the leaders of both nations can ask how each others' day was and generally make small talk, replacing the old method of communication between the two, threatening each other with nuclear war.
  • 1973 - Snipers wish a happy day to a crowd in Buenos Aires, Argentina. Thirteen are greatly overcome with joy and more than 300 are left mildly ecstatic.
  • 2289 - The British finally land on the moon. They discover that tea cannot be taken in 1/8 gravity, cancel mission amid a not so nice day.

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Cellphone

June 21: St. Nokia's Day, Last Day of Spring

  • 5400 BCE - Prehistoric Druids create early pornography out of large stones on the Salisbury Plain of England. Unfortunately it only works one day a year, leading to many wars.
  • 24 CE - Hippies celebrate "The Coming of Life", the summer solstice, in the streets after new dope harvest.
  • 524 - Godomar, King of the Burgundians, moves his throne to to his Mountain Chablis.
  • 654 - Howard Hughes finds out that there are germs even in airplanes.
  • 1138 - First IKEA opens in Durham by Viking invaders.
  • 1910 - A Japanese kittenhoefer kills Alexander Graham Bell and patents the cell phone. It weighs four hundred pounds and has a 300-mile long spool of cable accompanying it.
  • 1912 - Cingular makes its first attempt at raising the bar, then dies.
  • 1914 - The question "What if the hokey pokey IS what it's all about?" is first raised by Mark Twain.
  • 1915 - Supreme Court of the United States rules that Oklahoma cannot deny some of its citizens the right to vote. The Chief Justice then proceeds to insult Woodrow Wilson over his attempts to allow women to have a voice beyond choosing what's for dinner.
  • 1940 - WWII: France surrenders to Germany out of habit.
  • 1941 - WWII: France surrenders to Germany again, for good measure.
  • 1942 - WWII: France celebrates the anniversary of their surrender to Germany and the establishment of the Vichy government with parades, parties, and a third surrender to make sure the message was received.
  • 1964 - The KKK appreciates the civil rights movement by murdering three of its members.
  • 1982 - John Hinckley is found not guilty by reason of batshit insanity for trying to kill President Reagan; Hinckley mistakenly dedicates his win to Jodie Sweetin.
  • 1989 - Ving Rhames turns 30; Libya explodes.
  • 1994 - Figures released by the University of Cambridge show that 92% of those born under the star sign Cancer actually get cancer, whereas 12% turn into crabs.
  • 1995 - Figures released by Harvard University show that 93% of Cambridge students are unable to properly add percentages.
  • 1996 - Figures released by Cambridge say "Bite me, Harvard". Harvard declines comment.
  • 1997 - Harvard purchases Cambridge and changes it to an automotive maintenance and bartending school.
  • 1998 - The Republican Party loses its old leader, gains a new one. Bozo the Clown memorabilia regains popularity.
  • 2002 - The WHO finally cures polio. They go on to do an encore with Magic Bus and Pinball Wizard.
  • 2006 - Scientists find that Pluto has two moons.
  • 2007 - Scientists find that Pluto is not a planet.
  • 2008 - Scientists find that Pluto never existed in the first place.
  • 2009 - Pluto sues science for defamation of existence.
  • 2012 - Scientists discover that there's not always room for Jello.

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Operation Barbarella

June 22: International Yaoi Appreciation Day

  • 1767 - Wilhelm von Humboldt is born. Several years later, a large plot of hemp is discovered in his county.
  • 1804 - Buttsecks invented; fangirls rejoice.
  • 1805 - The 1,000,000th "George Washington and Benjamin Franklin" fanfic porn story is written. As a consolation prize, its writer is given a certificate to get a life.
  • 1812 - Napoleon invades Russia.
  • 1813 - Napoleon realizes how dumb an idea it was to invade Russia.
  • 1814 - Napoleon abdicates the throne, but takes his decision back a few minutes later.
  • 1815 - Napoleon abdicates the throne again.
  • 1865 - Yams take over the world for five days until they forget about it.
  • 1892 - Tchaikovsky responds to Napoleon's invasion by writing fanfiction featuring gay cannons.
  • 1904 - A strange racist albino falls from a cloud into a remote village in the alps.
  • 1941 - Nazi Germany invades Jane Fonda in Operation Barbarella. (pictured)
  • 1965 - "Glow-in-the-dark" is invented; ravers rejoice.
  • 1969 - Judy Garland dies. Wicked witches everywhere breathe a collective sigh of relief.
  • 1970 - First yaoi work drawn by a gay male released to the public. Fangirls get totally fucking pissed and glomp the artist to death.
  • 1972 - Gay aardvarks riot outside homophobic petting zoo in Schenectady, New York.
  • 1985 - Pioneer kitten "Mr. Kitty" becomes first cat to legally change name to "Dr. Kitten".
  • 2005 - All Michael Jackson jokes officially become not funny anymore. This paves the way for the newly hilarious Micheal Jackson jokes.
  • 2006 - First International Festival of Man-Secks is celebrated.
  • 2007 - First International Festival of Man-on-Man-Secks is celebrated.
  • 2008 - Graham Poll causes mayhem as he dishes out over 400 bookings before the game between Croatia and Australia has even started.
  • 2009 - Napoleon rises from the dead and invades Russia again.

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Custom water powered bus

June 23: Sonic the Hedgehog's Birthday

  • 1573 - Buses first put on sale in high markets.
  • 1609 - The last town in the world discovers dirt.
  • 1610 - Europe carved into that funny shape we know it to be. Celebrity chefs are thought to be responsible.
  • 1892 - Spider-Man does some fancy stuff with a bus, and with the whole coincidence with 1573, well, you get it.
  • 1929 - Puppies declared the cutest darned thing. Humans introduce rabies to dogs by kissing puppies.
  • 1941 - Lithuania declares independence from the Soviet Union, only to be invaded by Nazis.
  • 1957 - Gone With The Wind released by Big Ol' Hunka Pictures.
  • 1969 - The Hamburglar is appointed Chief Justice of the Supreme Court by Richard Nixon.
  • 1975 - In Benghazi, Muammar Gaddafi the Eggman is hit in the head by a football and becomes bent on world domination.
  • 1979 - Darth Thatcher begins construction of the first Death Star.
  • 1991 - Sonic the Hedgehog is released in America, Mario fans cringe.
  • 1993 - I buy some milk and put in my refrigerator; France goes on strike.
  • 1994 - I certainly wasn't committing a triple homicide!
  • 2005 - The milk in my refrigerator is going bad. Facebook poll returns "undecided" result on whether to replace it.
  • 2008 - Stockbrokers start the greatest recessions in modern history as most of the world needs a good laugh.
  • 2009 - Nothing fucking happened. I probably could have told you that, seeing how dull and miserable your life is. Well, too bad. You don't need me to tell you that. Everybody already knows your a pussy, and Nobody Cares what you think. Your whining sickens me, you know that? You really should leave. It'd make us all very happy. Right, everyone? Right.
  • 2011 - Jesus arrives on earth as a Native American. The US gives back their land and Jesus gets a sitcom.
  • 2014 - Chaos Emeralds replace Bitcoin as the cryptocurrency of choice.

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Kf26042

Go on, treat yourself. Have a real good snort.

June 24: Magic Marker Sniffing Day (Hebrides)

  • 1146 - Under General Akbar, the Sardinian Empire victoriously raids Argentina causing enormous fishy destruction.
  • 1374 - A sudden outbreak of Disco Fever causes people in the streets of Totentanz, Germany, to experience groovy hallucinations and begin to boogie and twitch uncontrollably until they all fall down.
  • 1664 - Hell starts to get full. New Jersey is founded.
  • 1733 - St. John's Harbour, the capital of the Sovereign Dominion of Newfoundland, is founded and named for the patron saint of ambulances.
  • 1740 - Dominion of Newfoundland first wave invasion fails because Saint John, New Brunswick smells too bad.
  • 1902 - Pablo Picasso opens the first exhibition of his work. His artwork is found to be so offensive to artistic standards that he is given loads of money, declared the greatest living artist, and told to make more.
  • 1912 - Québec takes the day off in celebration, not realising that the Newfies have five hundred septic tanks and, when they learn to drive them, will be invading.
  • 1936 - Al Gore invents evolution.
  • 1946 - Superboy discovers "strange hairs growing down... y'know"; officially becomes Superman.
  • 1957 - U.S. Supreme Court rules that free speech doesn't protect porn and expletives. South Park is cancelled overnight, while strangely, Playboy becomes more popular than ever.
  • 2010 - The Ant People push the world's reset button.
  • 2015 - Magic Marker Sniffing Day outlawed in the United States except South Carolina, due to the discovery that manufacturers have been including cocaine in special packs of pens.

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Redneckontoilet

June 25: National Redneck Day (Southern U.S.), LEON Day (6 months past Christmas); National Catfish Day (US)

  • 524 - Battle of Vezeronce. The Franks defeat the Burgers, and liberate the Ketchup Kingdom from its tyranny and confining round shape.
  • 1620 - Rednecks evolve from the Pilgrims.
  • 1741 - Maria Theresa of Austria is crowned King of Hungary in what is possibly the most confusing coronation in history.
  • 1838 - The first use of Escher-esque architecture is constructed when the Impossible Children's Playground is unveiled. It is not well-received.
  • 1888 - Oscar Wilde pens The Happy Prince and Other Stories, now considered among the first pieces of literature to use thinly veiled homosexual tendencies to illustrate life lessons such as hand-washing.
  • 1906 - Shortly after the introduction of the automobile, the first barrel clown is seen and documented in Jonestown, Illinois.
  • 1997 - The "underfried" volcano erupts in Montserrat. It would be sent back to the kitchen.
  • 1912 - LEON Day is established by Congress. Americans must have their Christmas decorations taken down by this day if their house has not already burned down. The law will be generally ignored by ignorant people claiming ignorance.
  • 1981 - LEON Day is now celebrated in China as the first day of making Christmas ornaments and nuclear weapons for export.
  • 2008 - U.S. President Barack Obama selects a cabinet, yet would require nearly two more weeks to settle on an acceptable bookshelf.
  • 2008 - Congress rejects Obama's choice of bookshelf.
  • 2009 - Michael Jackson dies while experimenting with a new form of moonwalk at the age of 50. His nose would have been 22.
  • 2010 - Catfishing online exceeds catfishing in a lake or river in popularity. Rules 29 and 30 are established but are ignored by ignorant people claiming horniness.

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StMasturbusDay

June 26: St. Masturbus Day

  • 4.5 million BCE - Morgan Freeman creates a planet full of dinosaurs and chartered accountants from his diarrhea.
  • 1 million BCE - Cthulhu invents Christmas, when bored.
  • 1856 BCE - Black people start writing.
  • 1855 BCE - Brown people begin developing a complex society.
  • 1854 BCE - Yellow people begin the study of astronomy.
  • 1853 BCE - White people start painting their arses blue.
  • 1087 - St. Clittorus gets really pissed because she was promised to have this day named after herself but totally got screwed over.
  • 1123 - Pope Callistus II declares the sainthood of St. Dildo.
  • 1284 - The Pied Piper lures 130 children of Hamelin away. Piping hot pies are soon outlawed.
  • 1718 - The Tsar's son suspiciously turns up dead after he is sentenced to death.
  • 1721 - Cthulhu invents Boxing Day for his loyal swarming masses of nightgaunts.
  • 1895 - After an attack on the wooden bridges of the Canadian National Railway by beavers, repair crews work haphazardly and accidentally invent the roller coaster.
  • 1928 - A cyclone hits Coney Island and completely twists its roller coaster out of shape. No-one notices for 27 years.
  • 1963 - John F. Kennedy gives his famous 'Ich bin ein Selbstgeschlechter' speech.
  • 1981 - Tom Cruise brings to life a Giant Tampax that the science world predicts would kill him exactly 24 years later.
  • 2005 - Tom Cruise is killed by a regular Tampax in an ironical twist of fate.
  • 2005 - Richard Whiteley dies after finally unscrambling the conundrum PIANOMENU.
  • 2018 - The 'this is today' gag is used for the first time in history.

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Sleeper on couch

June 27: International Day of Rest From International Holidays (USA, res.)

  • 153 CE - Shuffle walking hits mainstream. Shoe makers rejoice.
  • 476 - Odoacer sacks Rome in response to not being invited to the Senate's toga party.
  • 1431 - Joan of Arc is invited to a non-holiday barbecue with tragic results.
  • 1617 - The Hapsburg Dynasty is created after the 1st Dynasty Warriors set in feudal Austria. Later games in the series will include Dynasty Warriors Feudal South Africa and DW VII Feudal Libya. Fans express an interest in having a DW set in feudal Japan).
  • 1780 - The world's nations agree to stop fighting for a single day. Upon realizing that would make this day a holiday for their soldiers, they continue their unbroken string of bloodshed by 11 AM.
  • 1905 - While shooting a film on location aboard a battleship, director Sergei Eisenstein calls for the 50th take on a scene and sailors riot. This of course would later be released as the movie Under Siege starring Steven Seagal.
  • 1976 - The Farrah flip falls out of style in most Middle Eastern countries, except strangely in Oman.
  • 1980 - Freddie Mercury finally gets to ride his bicycle.
  • 1992 - Fedor Emelianenko defeats terrorism at a twenty minute decision in PRIDE.
  • 2004 - Krispy Kreme invents the first glazed atom bomb, but fat hungry people lick all the glaze off.
  • 2021 - All attempts to logically explain how computers really work fail, and numerous experts agree that technology is simply magic.

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Matterhorn 02

June 28: Adamand Eve (Kenya, Iceland), Obliviousness Awareness Day (Chad, China)

  • 1493 - Unimpressed by Columbus' attempt to reach the Far East by sailing west, navigator Ernesto de Borgnine attempts to reach the Americas by sailing East. His ship crashes into the Cadiz docks thirty seconds into his journey.
  • 1572 - The day the music died.
  • 1573 - The day the music was resurrected as a zombie.
  • 1619 - Nostradamus predicts that everyone will die someday, including the music.
  • 1745 - Sharon Stone begins her first retirement at the age of 57.
  • 1851 - Franco-Pakistani War ends in a draw after a sudden death match.
  • 1865 - The Army of the Potomac is disbanded but will re-emerge as the KISS Army many years later.
  • 1914 - A driver takes a wrong turn in Sarajevo and runs over Franz Ferdinand in the process. World War One finds an excuse to start.
  • 1922 - The bloody war between Chile and France ends abruptly when both countries realize that they don't have common borders to fight over.
  • 1947 - Obliviousness Awareness Day declared in Chad. Chadians celebrate by starving as usual.
  • 1950 - Seoul is captured by North Korean forces; James Brown is not amused.
  • 1973 - Scholars discover the first gay couple, Adam and Steve, in Israel. In other news, it's the goddamn doodly best day ever because Maddox visits Chicago.
  • 1980 - An earthquake destroys the Chinese city of Bu-Chu-Fu; millions die. When rescue crews complain about poor building construction, the Chinese government declares it to be Obliviousness Awareness Day.
  • 2009 - One of our greatest, Billy Mays, passes on to infomercial heaven. You can get Billy Mays and for a limited time only, his charisma for not one or two but three eternities!

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June 29: Make Crude Jokes About Genitals Day

Calvinhobbes
  • 1194 - Sverre is crowned King of Norway, beginning a long reign of Danish kings with unpronounceable names.
  • 1542 - The comic strip Calvin and Hobbes debuts, lightheartedly poking fun at such contemporary topics as the Protestant Reformation. (Pictured)
  • 1884 - The Picture of Dorian Gray is released by Oscar Wilde, consisting largely of crude jokes about genitals.
  • 1965 - The auto accident starting the "Paul is dead" hoax occurs in England. It is actually the other 3 Beatles who die.
  • 1972 - The U.S. Supreme Court rules the death penalty could constitute 'cruel and unusual punishment', particularly the more outlandish methods of carrying out the sentence, such as Texas' legendary alligator tank.
  • 1985 - Your mom sees my wiener for the eightieth time. And likes it as much as she did the first time.
  • 1999 - Prince continues to party.
  • 2009 - Millions of Americans suffering from insomnia are miraculously cured when Jimmy Fallon receives his own late night talk show.

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Eat bugs

June 30: Dare a Younger Sibling to Eat an Insect Day (pictured)

  • 3000 BCE - Cain dares Abel to eat a scorpion. Abel does, and falls dead. Cain tries to explain it was an accident, but nobody will listen.
  • 1500 BCE - Aaron dares his younger brother Moses to eat a scarab beetle. Moses does so, and the gritty taste convinces him to lead his people from Egypt.
  • 1859 - Oscar Wilde, despondent over not having a sibling to dare to eat an insect or be dared to eat an insect by, consumes an earwig.
  • 1867 - Via the cleverest ruse possible, Mycroft Holmes gets his younger brother Sherlock to eat a bug.
  • 1921 - U.S. President Warren G. Harding appoints former President William Howard Taft to the Supreme Court, after Taft successfully attempts to eat a small quantity of mosquitoes.
  • 1935 - The Dionne quintuplets are born. By the time the last, Marie, was born, her older sisters were already waiting with insects in hand.
  • 1959 - American actor Vincent D'Onofrio is born, paving the way to a career of acting as though he had just accepted a dare to eat a rather nasty-tasting insect.
  • 1971 - Ohio ratifies the 26th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, lowering the voting age to 18, and lowering the threshold at which younger siblings are no longer required to accept bug-related dares to 16.
  • 1999 - Blue whales lose their appetites when told they are eating "bugs". Krill is rebranded as "seafood medley" and the whales return to their original food sources after subsisting on pelicans and fishermen in rowboats.
  • 2016 - Queen Elizabeth II formally announces her regret at making the late Princess Margaret eat a bug when they were children. She atones for this by holding down Prince Charles and shoveling quantities of what is termed "bug salad" into his mouth as millions cheer.

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