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July 27: StarCraft Day (Korea), Nerdery Day (Internetopia)
- 7 BC - First computer created, using a yard of string, a goat, and three partially eaten kidney beans.
- 6 BC - The first computer nerd (pictured) fixes a goat/bean compatibility issue on a local goatherd's new computer.
- 3 BC - A computer nerd/farmer has sex with his goat causing string problems and generating large amounts of upchucked kidney beans, thus creating the first computer virus.
- 0 BC - A child runs through a field and trips over a string where a vast network of stringed goats are being held. The chain reaction sets off an epidemic of bean-upchucking and goat-kicking that doesn't end until the goats are re-neutered and restringed.
- 500 - A woman proposes the use of thin strips of silicon to faciliate the use of micro-circuitry, halving computer sizes and doubling their speed. The woman is stoned to death then given a medal after being credited with the discovery of the breast implant. Male suicide rates halved.
- 666 - Steve Jobs trades his soul to Satan for StarCraft, the first game capable of running on goats tied together with string. He goes on to invent Blizzard.
- 1000 - The Y1K Bug destroys computers, causing the human race to be enslaved by toasters. Later someone pulls the plug on the toasters and the humans are freed.
- 1866 - Cyrus Field successfully completes the Atlantic Cable, thus allowing for the largest single transfer of internet porn in history.
- 1914 - British troops invade the streets of Dublin and demand free wifi.
- 1979 - Actor Penis Van Lesbian changes his name to the more acceptable Dick Van Dyke.
- 2003 - English tribute band Two Humps is formed in Nottinghamfordshire-upon-Kent, Surrey, England.
- 2007 - The finincially ailing Area 51 is forced to open its doors to the public in order to avoid bankruptcy.
- 2010 - StarCraft II is released to the public. Koreans everywhere rejoice.
- 2011 - Blizzard denies allegations that a third installment, StarCraft III, is under development. Koreans everywhere grieve.
- 2036 - StarCraft III is officially confirmed by Blizzard. Koreans everywhere rejoice.
- 2057 - The Japanese discover how to manufacture immortality out of panties and meth, and subsequently sell it from vending machines. Koreans steal the formula and take over the world.
- 2135 - StarCraft III is released. Walmart regains control of the world because Koreans are too busy playing it.