What will this get me?

January 4: Original Star Wars Day

  • 1642 - The government of Japan introduces the country's first paper money, which is more convenient than bulky coins. Japanese prostitutes everywhere rejoice
  • 1666 - The Great Fire of London begins as the Christmas decorations are taken down too close to a naked flame.
  • 1974 - The second coming of Christ faces serious setbacks almost a year after the Supreme Court rules on Roe v. Wade.
  • 1975 - George Lucas finishes writing the entire canon for the Star Wars films after three years of work. While stopping off at a Caesar's for a couple of pizzas, he manages to lose all the parts except for Part IV (A New Hope). Panicked, he proceeds to write out summaries for all the other segments in about two hours, though not forgetting to include his imaginary friends Jar-Jar and Palpatine. He will then improvise during film production, not editing out a single frame in the fear that he might miss something good. Turning to his own dark side, he would spend the rest of his days trying to get lightning bolts to come out of his fingertips.
  • 1995 - Michael Jackson is kidnapped and forced to listen to his own music for seven consecutive days by his captors.
  • 2004 - Spirit, a NASA Mars rover, touches down on Mars at 04:35 UTC and is later fined for landing on double yellow lines.
  • 2010 - The Burj Khalifa, world's tallest building, opens to the public despite revelation that the architects paid Osama bin Laden to help them achieve "tallest building" status by adding an ICBM to the top.
  • 2012 - Tooth Fairy forced to resign after illegally selling children's teeth to hicks and not following the Parapluie Commandments.
  • 4412 - The first Twinkie expires. Apocalypse-fearers everywhere worry about their food supply.