January 31: National Ice Cream Day
201 AD - Ice cream is invented in Rome, but it quickly melts due to the lack of refrigerators. Everyone is forced to slurp it.
1551 - French explorers with sensitive teeth die exploring Northern Africa after keeling over in pain from eating ice cream, leaving themselves open to attack by savage tribesmen who quickly beheaded them.
1819 - Heinrich Maanschweisener creates a means to produce dots from ice cream; he is defenestrated later that year on the orders of Baron Rottweil von Friendly, who fears for his monopoly on frozen treats.
1928 - Stalin re-invents ice cream and names it Stalin Cream. USSR rejoices but the American scum looses there underwear.
1949 - Friendly's loses contract to sell ice cream in China and is denied renewed funding by the U.S. government.
1960 - Vespugian president Manuel del Caracos, on a tour of America, drowns when he falls into a flash-freezer at the Pittsburgh Dippin' Dots factory.
1979 - Ben and Jerry's "Popped Cherry" ice cream is a hit.
1971 - The first ice cream stand is opened in Moscow, Russia, but quickly seized by the government.
1989 - Alexei Kalashnikov, proprietor of a meager Baskin Robins parlor in Stalingrad, defects to the West and takes the secret recipe for Dippin' Dots with him.
1991 - Dunkin' Donuts loses a hedge-trimming contest to Dairy Queen.
2007 - Coaticook brand ice cream hits shelves in Quebec, next to other ice creams.
2008 - Coaticook goes ahead with first ever ice cream referendum, demanding that they have their own shelf.
2009 - After a cat infestation, Ben & Jerry's introduces "Cat Pan Crunch" flavor
2085 - Dippin' Dots production headquarters are obliterated by an Iranian superweapon; Friendly's rejoices.
999999999999 AD - <insert name here> creates unfunny joke about pokemon, nazis and hitler.