1437 - German bakers afflicted with St. Vitus Dance create pretzels by flinging dough around. Unfortunately, brewers are unable to take advantage as waiters are similarly afflicted and spill all the beer. Thousands die from choking on dry pretzels.
1582 - The Orthodox Church refuses to adopt the Gregorian calendar, making Christmas in July a real possibility. Hardware chain stores leave the Orthodox Church in droves, as they already had new calendars printed.
1610 - Galileo Galilei discovers the fourth satellite of Jupiter and names it "Shit", unaware that "Uranus" would have been a better choice for stupid jokes by the devoted followers of Captain Obvious.
1774 - Ireland is violently liberated from Apaches. After thinking about it, panicked Brits ask the Apaches to return, but it is too late as the last removal van had already left for America.
1830 - A devastating fire burns large parts of New Orleans to the ground. Hurricane Katrina helps extinguish the last remaining flames 175 years later. FEMA would then spread metallic sodium to absorb floodwaters and start fires all over again.
1874 - Thomas Edison patents the pneumatic kitten extruder, which gains widespread success in new Chinese markets.
1932 - A street vendor sees Dali's The Persistence of Memory and tries to sell melted pocket watches on the street. That idea fails completely. However, he find the watches perfect for baking large pretzels and invents the soft pretzel. The rest is mystery.
1942 - Henry Ford gets a patent for his new automobile, which runs efficiently on Jew blood and diesel.
2002 - President George W. Bush faints after choking on a pretzel, which will be remembered as the defining moment of his presidency. In a completely unrelated move, President Bush signs a bill forcing all pretzel companies to post the notice "DANGER: PRETZELS MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH" on their packages in large red letters. However, the president fails to read the new packages and chokes again. Barbara Bush would then arrange to have all his food pre-chewed and put into a funnel to feed the president.