Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/January

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January - February - March - April - May - June - July - August - September - October - November - December

Please browse to find an anniversary, then give it a damn good editing.
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January 1: International "Let's Get Hammered!" Day, not including Saudi Arabia

Black
A picture of the universe in 2010.

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January 2: Season of Giving officially ends, Global Day of Shame and Regret, still not including Saudi Arabia

FranklinPierce
Where's my marble steps?
  • 0 - Nine months from now, Jesus is going to be born
  • 1655 - The secret Yukon War takes place and ends on the same day after no one showed up
  • 1880 - Football is officially renamed soccer at Yale as a joke on Cambridge. A new aversion to America is born
  • 1933 - Adolf Hitler kills his grandmother and takes over as dictator of Germany. Explains that "she was a fucking Jew"
  • 1945 - Hitler's bunker explodes under mysterious circumstances. His grandmother's ghost remains a suspect
  • 2003 - Some guy walks into his wasted buddy's room early in the morning to point out that the clock reads "01/02/03, 04:05:06." He is abruptly beaten with an old Sega Genesis controller, finally giving the C button a use
  • 2015 - Former fourteenth President and model train enthusiast Franklin Pierce rises from the dead to whine, bitch, and moan about no monument being erected for him for keeping the Union whole before "Buchanan fucked it up".

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January 3: Feast of St Wallet, International Throw Tomatoes at Old People day

MEL-SAD
Twins separated at birth?

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January 4: the original Star Wars Day

OldMoney
What will this get me?
  • 1642 - The government of Japan introduces the country's first paper money, which is more convenient than bulky coins. Japanese prostitutes everywhere rejoice
  • 1666 - The Great Fire of London begins as the Christmas decorations are taken down too close to a naked flame.
  • 1974 - The second coming of Christ faces serious setbacks almost a year after the Supreme Court rules on Roe v. Wade.
  • 1995 - Michael Jackson is kidnapped and forced to listen to his own music for seven consecutive days by his captors
  • 2004 - Spirit, a NASA Mars rover, touches down on Mars at 04:35 UTC, is later fined for landing on double yellow lines
  • 2006 - A redundant event is added to Uncyclopedia's anniversaries.
  • 2010 - Burj Khalifa, world's tallest building, opens to public despite revelation that the architects paid Osama bin Laden to help them achieve "tallest building" status
  • 2012 - Tooth Fairy forced to resign after illegally selling children's teeth to hicks and not following the Parapluie Commandments
  • 4412 - The first Twinkie expires. Apocalypse-fearers everywhere worry about their food supply.

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January 5: International Day of Minor Hubris

IG88
Don't cry for me, I'm already dead.
  • 1794 - The French start to use Leonardo da Vinci's crude design of the helicopter to speed up growing guillotine queues.
  • 1838 - Samuel Morse invents the first electrical telegraph and immediately sends out his first message: "49/m/nyc STOP any girls up 4 cyber? STOP"
  • 1955 - Birth of whiskey maker and drunk-driving victim Johnnie Walker, the Johnnie Walker Act of 1990 being named in his honour
  • 1992 - In an emotional speech, IG-88 comes out to the world to announce he has tested positive for the Michelangelo Virus
  • 1994 - Richard Nixon dies. His body isn't discovered for another fifteen weeks due to the fact that no one cared to check
  • 2004 - Fox News denies reporting showing favour to Republicans and dismisses it as "a left-wing conspiracy out to target our saviour of all things freedom, George W. Bush"
  • 2009 - President Barack Obama is sworn into office. Entire world thanks God his name isn't Bush. Or George. Or Hussein...

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January 6: International Day of... um... the...

Uranus crack
Uranus, now known as Urectum

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January 7: International Insane Day

Black karl marx
BKM in da hizzy freaks!
  • 788 - King Arthur has white wine with his lunch instead of red wine. The round table becomes concerned
  • 1938 - The League of Nations is destroyed by the Axis of Evil, going down in three straight sets
  • 1940 - France is destroyed by the Axis of Evil. Somehow, it only took one set
  • 1943 - Nazi German troops under the command of Gen. Paulus surrender at Stalingrad after realizing they were wasting their time fighting over Russia of all places.
  • 1977 - A chemical is derived that kills JFK, revives Hitler's brain, and taste like grape juice; Black Karl Marx is born
  • 2007 - Everything begins to make sense now! Yay!
  • 2008 - The Pope excommunicates water, approval rating soars to 7 people
  • 2009 - Lethal Weapon 5 is released to the public, in which Riggs blows up random stuff in the name of God and a deceased Murtaugh rises from the grave to confirm that he is, conclusively, too old for this shit

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January 8: National Discrimination Day

Smack
Smack, Smack, don't touch my Smack!
  • 450,000,000,000 BC - "Earfh" is created, but is quickly destroyed and replaced with the current Earth as simply correcting the typo on the planning form requires two months notice. Dinosaurs die as a result
  • 33 - Jesus begins his steady decline
  • 1815 - Andrew Jackson forgets that the war is over and utterly destroys the British Army. Fortunately, America forgives him and treats him as a predecessor to Rambo
  • 1942 - Henry Ford declares his alleigence to Adolf Hitler's dictatorship, also bids to improve customer service
  • 1967 - Martin Luther King Jr. dies of a tragic M&M overdose
  • 2009 - Kellogg's continues to conquer the cereal market with Smack after finally dropping the honey flavouring and just selling it straight up.
  • 2010 - The popular children's story that an apple a day keeps the doctor away is discovered to be false; research published in the Daily Mail shows it instead speeds up genital wart formation

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January 9: Triple Entendre Day

Whorebucks
Don't ask me, I'm just a logo
  • 1939 - Adolf Hitler plays "ball" with Neville Chamberlain
  • 1982 - Tony Danza "eats" a "banana" and looks stupid in slow motion
  • 1987 - Saddam Hussein "gasses" the Kurds, but it ends up being very painful
  • 1996 - Andreas Karoliussen, famous Georgian actor, gets fontanellized by the young musician Kanye West.
  • 2002 - Osama bin Laden is voted "Man of the Year" by Time Magazine, after all the charity work he did in 2001 for Islamic organizations and networks.
  • 2010 - Starbucks starts a promotion with Paris Hilton to continue helping young tweens aspire to be fashion whores with no hope of breaking the glass ceiling.
  • 2011 - The term "high school" is abolished after complaints from parents suggesting that it's "too politically correct".

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January 10: Reefer Madness Day
Kam-mugshot
Aw hell no...
  • 370 BC - Plato almost chokes after inhaling a dandelion, then writes the dialogue Clouds
  • 75 - John The Baptist makes an unexpected comeback and tours Europe with Buddha.
  • 1810 - Napoleon divorces Empress Joséphine, calling her "a total fucking harpie"
  • 1841 - Low on firewood, ropes made from hemp are burned by Mormon pilgrims in Utah. That night, visions from heaven assail them
  • 1863 - The London Underground is opened in England, promptly closes after a signal failure in Barking
  • 1968 - Napalm dropped on a Vietnamese hemp field, which instigates the largest attack of the munchies known to man
  • 1979 - Disco is pronounced dead after a tragic cocaine overdose
  • 1991 - Kool-Aid retires the Kool-Aid Man after he is imprisoned for providing alcohol to a 14-year old girl

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January 11: Fear of the Apocalypse Day
EndIsNear
The End Is Near!
  • 3000 BC - God vows to destroy the Earth, possibly while drunk
  • 50 BC - World not ended yet, everyone waiting with baited breath
  • 34 - The end is near!
  • 184 - The end is near!
  • 265 - The end is near!
  • 583 - The end is near!
  • 1054 - The end is still near!
  • 1175 - The end is getting there!
  • 1386 - Maybe the end is next week?
  • 2016 - The end happens. Critics call it underwhelming

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January 12: Political Correctness Throughout History Day.

FredDino
The happy couple...
  • 6780 BC - Fred Flintstone appears on the Jerry Springer special "I Married My Pet"
  • 1 - Original Jesus is circumcised. Hilarity ensues and Godwin's Law is quickly invoked
  • 1853 - Archibald Schtumpf is killed during an autoerotic experience with the newly invented hydraulic knitting machine
  • 1863 - Abraham Lincoln frees the blacks for the first time, denies political motivation and insists "some guy" will prove his point "in a couple years"
  • 1944 - German-Jewish health and beauty products Finale Solution Shower Cream and Calamity by Calvin Klein are withdrawn due to falling sales
  • 1991 - George Bush Sr. reintroduces slavery after mishearing a joke told a a White House dinner
  • 1994 - Clinton comes to the aid of America and kills slavery yet again, right after having a quick visit through the typing pool
  • 2010 - Devastating earthquake in Haiti kills 310,000 people. Yeah, that happened, remember?

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January 13: New Year's Eve for Julius Caesar fans who insist on using his calender instead of ours
Pretzels
WARNING! May cause choking in children over 40.
  • 1610 - Galileo Galilei discovers the fourth satellite of Jupiter and names it "Shit".
  • 1830 - A devastating fire burns large parts of New Orleans to the ground. Hurricane Katrina helps extinguish the last remaining flames 175 years later
  • 1774 - Ireland is violently liberated from Apaches. Heavy drinking ensues
  • 1874 - Thomas Edison patents the pneumatic kitten extruder, which gains widespread success in new Chinese markets
  • 1942 - Henry Ford gets a patent for his new automobile, which runs efficiently on Jew blood and diesel
  • 2002 - President George W. Bush faints after choking on a pretzel, which will be remembered as the defining moment of his presidency. In a completely unrelated move, President Bush signs a bill forcing all pretzel companies to post the notice "DANGER: PRETZELS MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH" on their packages in large red letters.

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January 14: Death to Christmas Day (North Korea)
Nuclearxmaspudding
Another Christmas lost.

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January 15: Festival of the Yak (Uranium) / International Vandalize Wikipedia Day

PublicTrash
In Russia, Wikipedia goes here!.

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January 16: Anniversary of the Bowel movement

Hitlerwatermelon
Adolf Hitler doing something naughty. Probably.
  • 9 - Something happened to some guy somewhere out there in the world
  • 1264 - For the first time in human history, a man was born twice
  • 1356 - Some dude got all medieval on some other dude
  • 1930 - Mickey Mouse loses his license to Steamboat Willie after being caught transporting 11 illegal immigrants up the Timeless River. Walt Disney distraught.
  • 1942 - Odds are, Hitler did something bad on this date in 1942
  • 1987 - Something performed by guys with poofy hair and makeup on was the number one song inAmerica
  • 1990 - You suddenly realize time didn't stop, but knew that time stopped.
  • 1991 - Yak does something which was supposed to be done in the future, begats Wikipedia. Nobody cares.
  • 2000 - Something.com receives one million hits.
  • 2007 - Yak returns and travels back in time to yesterday, begats Wikipedia. Nobody still cares
  • 2007 - Dark Portal opens. World of Warcraft fans shit themselves.

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January 17: International Punch Danny Baker In The Crotch Day

DannyBaker
Comrade Danny upon being crotch punched.
  • 1993 - Danny Baker punched in the crotch
  • 1994 - Danny Baker punched repeatedly in the crotch
  • 1995 - Many people punch Danny Baker in the crotch
  • 1996 - In the crotch, Danny Baker is punched
  • 1997 - Danny Baker's crotch punched repeatedly
  • 1998 - In Soviet Russia, Danny Baker's crotch punches YOU!!
  • 1999 - Danny Baker retires with crotch-strain
  • 2003 - Unnamed burglar breaks into Danny Baker's retirement home to punch him in the crotch
  • 2005 - Danny Baker kicked in the crotch by Big Bird
  • 2007 - Danny Baker gets his balls punched off by Nathan Thompson.
  • 2008 - Various minor celebrities wait in line for four hours to punch Danny Baker in the crotch
  • 2009 - Danny Baker's son declares his intent to continue his father's legacy of being punched in the crotch on his death, then affirms this by punching Danny Baker in the crotch
  • 2009 - Danny Baker's son dies of broken crotch
  • 2010 - Danny Baker digs up his son, punches him in the crotch and buries himself
  • 2012 - The end of days comes and Danny Baker gets his revenge on the world by punching everybody in the crotch.

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January 18: Wenns Day (aka Humping Day) (Earth)

Kidgarb
David Beckham in traditional pose.
  • 1610 - God divinely inspires Sidney Trammell; Trammell doesn't notice for another two years.
  • 1778 - James Cook is the first known European to discover the "Sandwich Islands", which are later renamed the "Tuna Sandwich Islands", then "Tuna Sandwich with Chips Islands", "Tuna Sandwich with Chips and a Drink (no ice) Islands", and "Japan's Target Islands" before they eventually became the "Hawaiian Islands".
  • 1952 - The first issue of Mad Magazine is thrown in the garbage by your mom.
  • 1990 - The Humpty Dance is the #1 song in America. Depressing, eh?
  • 1991 - Bill Clinton holds a conference about creating a uniting Europe and Asia in to the Nation of Eurasia.
  • 1996 - The Spice Girls declare their hatred for the West.
  • 2000 - David Beckham is transformed from human being into a brand.
  • 2008 - Cloverfield hits theaters across America, unfortunately for New York the movie was based on a true story.

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January 19: Porn day

Braile
Porn in Braille
  • 7,998,824 BC - Monkeys evolve opposable thumbs
  • 7,998,824 BC - Monkeys start to "spank the monkey"
  • 3000 BC - Egyptians invent papyrus.
  • 2999 BC - First pornographic papyrus, featuring Nefertiti. Men say they "just read it for the hieroglyphs".
  • 1450 - Gutenberg invents printing press, prints Gutenberg Bible
  • 1450 - Gutenberg invents a printing press capable of printing centerfolds
  • 1850 - Man invents photography
  • 1850 - First pornographic pictures.
  • 1953 - First Playboy, featuring Marilyn Monroe
  • 1953 - World suffers from a crippling shortage of hand lotion
  • 1970 - Presidential Commission on Obscenity and Pornography is convened to look into social effects of porn. After six straight weeks of reviewing pornographic materials, the members of the commission say they have come to no conclusions, and ask for six more months to study the issue.
  • 1971 - Man invents videos
  • 1971 - Man invents porn videos
  • 1971 - First porn video director becomes millionaire
  • 1982 - DARPA, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, begins research into a network that will allow porn to be transmitted even in the event of a nuclear attack. This network, ARPANET, is the precursor of the internet.
  • 1994 - Man invents world wide web
  • 1994 - Man invents porn web site
  • 1994 - First porn web site reaches 100 million hits. This is particularly impressive when you consider that only 5,000 people had web browsers at the time.
  • 2010 - Ugh that's better.
  • 2015 - The last male yak porn star dies and the month is renamed after his last partner.

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January 20: Nobody edit Uncyclopedia Day Or Else

Too-fuckin-good
Why do I get my Hopes up?
  • 1492 - Columbus becomes president of America.
  • 1937 - The 20th Amendment is passed, forcing all presidental candidates to compete in a 100-meter dash to decide the primaries. Surprisingly, Franklin D. Roosevelt is the first president to win this event.
  • 1942 - The Nazi Party gives the final solution to the "Jewish question", though the Jews insist that they were just asking for directions.
  • 1984 - Armies of Oceania defeat Eurasian armies in the Congo.
  • 1988 - Everybody ignored this holiday.
  • 1992 - Governer Bill Clinton beats Paul Tsongas in the primaries. Investigations as to whether or not Clinton bit part of Tsongas's ear off in the final stretch are launched.
  • 2004 - Pinky and the Brain finally take over the world, and are then killed by Joe Cartoon in a blender.
  • 2007 - People are still intent on ignoring this holiday.
  • 2008 - No-one has edited Uncyclopedia! Until I just did. Oh shit.
  • 2009 - International Change Day. Citizens of the 'Homeless Undead'-ridden Californian cities get a day of reprieve from demands for change as the masses of change-hungry 'Zombos' are distracted by a change of power in Washington
  • 2010 - Some n00b edits Uncyclopedia.
  • 2300 - after leaving earth after 2012, humans finally get to the only safe planet, uranis.
  • 2301 - finally people decide to wipe uranis clean of those mean little stinky brown blobs.

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January 21: National Dirty Sanchez Your Dad's Coffee Day, Day of Tribulation

Sanchez
Coffee Enema

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January 22: National Cover-Up Day (USA)

  • 1012 - The second coming did not happen.
  • 1492 - Nothing happened. You didn't see anything, so it doesn't count.
  • 1776 - The United States of America was always unquestionably free.
  • 1812 - We had reasonable cause to attack.
  • 1847 - The United States retaliated against a Mexican surprise attack.
  • 1861 - The United States was always united.
  • 1917 - The United States irrefutably wins World War I in late-inning heartstopper.
  • 1945 - The United States irrefutably wins World War II in extra time. Germans claim the ball had not crossed the line. England don't care.
  • 1965 - The United States irrefutably wins the Vietnam War in seven games.
  • 1974 - President Nixon finishes out his "optional" term of office.
  • 2001 - Heavy winds cause the World Trade Center towers to weaken.
  • 2003 - The United States irrefutably wins the War in Iraq in a 4-game whitewash.
  • 2005 - It is the policy of this Administration not to discuss ongoing investigations.
  • 2006 - Global Warming? What Global Warming?
  • 2007 - There is no Grand Conspiracy.
  • 2012 - The world will not end.
  • 9999 - Nothing will happen. Quite boring.

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January 23: Trail off in the middle of your sente...

  • 32 - Jesus delivers to the masses the secret of life: "One must b..."
  • 1321 - The Pope admits that the papacy is really...
  • 1532 - Leonardo da Vinci announces in Genoa: "The essence of the rennaissance is..."
  • 1944 - Adolf Hitler admits the Holocaust was really just...
  • 1953 - Chinese communists brainwash several U.S....
  • 1969 - NASA decides to reinfect all...
  • 1972 - The British Army launches a massive coun...
  • 1980 - Led Zeppelin drummer John Bonham decides to drink all...
  • 1984 - Porn star Ron Jeremy admits his wang is...
  • 1991 - The Merry Christmas Critters level up in their satanic powers b...
  • 1995 - Virtual hockey 1995 released in Ja...
  • 2004 - John Kerry says his position on the Iraq War is...
  • 2005 - The CIA admits finally admits it killed ...
  • 2006 - Tony Blair confirms he'll resign on...
  • 2006 - Micheal Jackson sues his children for inturrupting his...
  • 2006 - The Lindbergh Baby was discovered at a qu...
  • 2007 - ...for doing the opposite of what everyone else is doing.
  • 2015 - Baby Seals establish a system of government and become...
  • 2008 - Your mom and that guy were....
  • 2011 - The Duke Nukem: Forever release date will be....
  • 2013 - I finally figured women out. It's so simple. All you have to do is make sure that you never....
  • 2194 - Second Coming of Jesus!!! Jesus descends to Earth and...
  • 3452 - Judgment Day!!! YHWH says you can get into heaven by...

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January 24: Plain Text Day

  • - Chuck Norris spontaneously comes into existence.
  • 0 - The first plain text message was decoded.
  • 41 - Caligula killed for textstalking people on his Boost Mobile.
  • 1337 - Not celebrated this year because everything was done in Leet text.
  • 1338 - =|> ASCII art kills itself <|=
  • 1563 - John Pepys records his shorthand diary.
  • 1838 - Samuel Morse demonstrated the first plain text telegraph browser.
  • 1878 - The first typewriter is invented, powered by Intel Core i16, having 160 GB of RAM and 600 TB SSD storage.
  • 1879 - The WWW is invented for the said typewriter.
  • 1880 - World of Warcraft, a text based MMORPG becomes the most played online game on the typewriter.
  • 1838 - Courier New fucks Times New Roman.
  • 1995 - The OJ Simpson jury delivers a verdict in plain text.
  • 2006 - Snakes on a Plain Text Day.
  • 2007 - I fucking hate plain bagels!
  • 2008 - Slavo-Indo-Chinese Buddhist Mujahadeen take over the entire Eastern Hemisphere and wage continental wars against the peoples of Antarctica.
  • 2012 - The final half of the Bible was written in plain text. It clearly showed, through the application of logic, that God was infact a three headed football.

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Seacrest-out
BOI-OI-OIIIING!!!

January 25: Januarymas - Happy Januarymas everyone!, Winter-een-mas begins

  • 1754 - Oscar Wilde's first stupid idea.
  • 1759 - Robert Burns decides to celebrate Januarymas. Thousands of Scotch get drunk off product of same name.
  • 1994 - Last airplane crash caused by Oscar Wilde.
  • 1990 - Magic Leprechaun starts accumulating knowledge.
  • 1992 - Steve Ballmer begins his wrath upon all.
  • 2005 - Carson Daly beats the crap out of Dick Clark in the middle of Times Square. ABC, frantic, quickly replaces Clark with noted gaydar Ryan Seacrest, and Ryan Seacrest's "Dick Clark's January's Rockin' Mas" is a modest hit with target audiences. No word on Brian Dunkleman, though.
  • 2008 - Ryan Seacrest finally comes out of his closet after 2 years of looking for that stylish Versace waistcoat.
  • 2015 -The Canadians attack the newly established Baby Seal military base just outside Toronto.
  • 2101 - "For græt justice!" becomes a catch phrase.
  • 2103 - It is discovered that Heath ledger faked his death and went to live with elvis presley, he dies for real today.

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January 26: National 'Hail Zeus' day (Ancient Greece)

Zeus
  • Beginning of Time - Zeus is begat by Chronos and Chaos.
  • 3457 BC - Zeus gets it on with his wife/sister, Hera. He has Orpheus invent the banjo to provide some mood music for their wedding night. Unfortunately, the song he creates for that special occasion is later used in the film Deliverance.
  • 353 - Christianity takes a whack at Zeus.
  • 700 - Zeus commands the French to worship him. When they refuse, he curses them with garlic and an irrational fear of washing.
  • 1879 - Zeus smites the prototype caboose to advert unflattering poetry. Unfortunately, it is reinvented three days latter.
  • 1901 - The popular phrase "I dont give a fuck" is used for the first time by John Keats when he found out that the toothpaste he was using was actually his shaving cream.
  • 1959 - Under the pen name Dr. Zeuss, Zeus begins to write children's literature. His first book is "Hop on MILF", in which a Greek god transforms into various animals in order to make out with human women.
  • 1974 - Zeus curses John Boorman for using his wedding-night song in Deliverance. When Boorman's next film, Zardoz, flops, Zeus simply laughs.
  • 2002 - Zeus decides he doesn't like George W. Bush and decides to strike him down, but can't find any lightning bolts. Instead he sends him a cursed pretzel.
  • 2010 - A Greek man charged with sodomistic rape of an Iranian woman is found not guilty in celebration of the verdict being read on this holiday.

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January 27: International Bring Your Exotic Pet To Work Day

American-crocodile-emerging-water

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January 28: International No Anniversary Day. World I Am The Voice Of The Mysterons Day - Hi Im Ed Winchester Day (Austin Texas Only)

  • 1800 BC - Brits invent the word 'reaulycing' from their caves. America criticized for improving it and accused of warmongering.
  • 0 - The world was officially created, but nobody cares.
  • 1591 - Queen Elizabeth I's personal confessor Abbot Costello is confused by cricket, shouting, "Who's on first?"
  • 1987 - Happy Days Is Filmed In Front Of A Studio Audience - did you know that, I didnt know that !
  • 1994 - God was re-born, he died a few seconds later.
  • 1996 - Slap bracelets were re-introduced into the world and you became cool for just one moment longer.
  • 2005 - INA Day founded and people celebrate it.
  • 2006 - People realise that INA is an anniversary and so change it to 'International No Anniversaries Before 2005' Day.
  • 2008 - People got so fed up of realising that January 28th was changed to 'International Realising Day'.
  • 2009 - Dr. Mario is executed.
  • 2010 - Americans change it to 'International Realizing Day'
  • 3000 - After much deliberation Americans have realised they have realised nothing and revert back to International No Anniversary Day.

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Pinkfloydthebarber
*whistles*

January 29: Echo Day Day.

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Vaderguild color
That's no moon...

January 30: International Cliche Day

  • A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away.... - The evil armies attack, and only a hero can save the light side.
  • Once upon a time - A young girl, living in poverty, met Prince Charming and they lived happily ever after.
  • 50BC - Nero plays the violin while Rome burns.
  • 42- Something happens.
  • 69- Two people have sex in a kinky position.
  • 1110 - Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before.
  • 1111 - Besides, there's plenty more fish in the sea.
  • 1268 - A battle of epic proportions occurs. The bad guys lose and the Half-good guys win. Our heroes from the future find themselves trapped in this age of rape and plundering, and just as they are to be executed for public fornication, the funky professor back in the future figures out a way to save them, and bring them back.
  • 1337- Awesome shit happens.
  • 1859 - Abraham Lincoln fights his evil twin.
  • 1875 - Oscar Wilde says something that touches each and every one of our hearts.
  • 1939-1945 The bad guys are a bunch of Nazis. Wow, that's really original.
  • 1945 - President Truman considers bombing Japan with the A-bomb. "It's crazy", he says, "but just crazy enough to work."
  • 1960 - The first American movie is released involving guns, aliens, tits, love-triangles, dinosaurs, Mars, and a young misfit whose strange talent is needed to save the world.
  • 1979 - The Japanese release their first movie, game, book, and porno where key characters die for shock-value. Survival rate of Japanese characters lowers to 10%
  • 2003 - America liberates Iraqistan to bring freedom to the Arabs. The liberal media rejects patriotism.
  • 2006 - The anniversary list once again becomes a chat room.
  • 2007 - You wake up, and it was all a dream.
  • 2010 - Aliens invade, but they have a hidden weakness which is discovered just in time.
  • 2011 - Aliens invade again. Different aliens. We shoot the mother ship with a one in a million chance of it hitting. It hits.
  • 2017 - A rag-tag misfit with his own set of rules is persuaded to help the police track down the kitten ripper bandit in order to buy his own freedom.
  • 2101 - War was beginning.
  • 2242 - Uruguay changes its name to UrJustinBeiberTwilightfagharrypotterbananasplitlover
  • 2407 - Super Mario made an apperance in his 1,309th video game entitled "Mario saves the Princess, AGAIN." It never gets old does it?

666

  • +9000 - Vegeta finally gets the même about his catchphrase

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Ctfo
Delicious!

January 31: National Ice Cream Day

  • 201 AD - Ice cream is invented in Rome, but it quickly melts due to the lack of refrigerators. Everyone is forced to slurp it.
  • 1551 - French explorers with sensitive teeth die exploring Northern Africa after keeling over in pain from eating ice cream, leaving themselves open to attack by savage tribesmen who quickly beheaded them.
  • 1819 - Heinrich Maanschweisener creates a means to produce dots from ice cream; he is defenestrated later that year on the orders of Baron Rottweil von Friendly, who fears for his monopoly on frozen treats.
  • 1928 - Stalin re-invents ice cream and names it Stalin Cream. USSR rejoices but the American scum looses there underwear.
  • 1949 - Friendly's loses contract to sell ice cream in China and is denied renewed funding by the U.S. government.
  • 1960 - Vespugian president Manuel del Caracos, on a tour of America, drowns when he falls into a flash-freezer at the Pittsburgh Dippin' Dots factory.
  • 1979 - Ben and Jerry's "Popped Cherry" ice cream is a hit.
  • 1971 - The first ice cream stand is opened in Moscow, Russia, but quickly seized by the government.
  • 1989 - Alexei Kalashnikov, proprietor of a meager Baskin Robins parlor in Stalingrad, defects to the West and takes the secret recipe for Dippin' Dots with him.
  • 1991 - Dunkin' Donuts loses a hedge-trimming contest to Dairy Queen.
  • 2007 - Coaticook brand ice cream hits shelves in Quebec, next to other ice creams.
  • 2008 - Coaticook goes ahead with first ever ice cream referendum, demanding that they have their own shelf.
  • 2009 - After a cat infestation, Ben & Jerry's introduces "Cat Pan Crunch" flavor
  • 2085 - Dippin' Dots production headquarters are obliterated by an Iranian superweapon; Friendly's rejoices.
  • 999999999999 AD - <insert name here> creates unfunny joke about pokemon, nazis and hitler.

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