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January 1: International Apocalypse Day/Day of the Resurrection of the Triple Mocha Latte (Church of Latte-Day Saints)
- 5,985,895,625 BC -- First new year ever, subatomic particles celebrate by moving.
- 0 - Jesus invents time
- 1 - Dawn of the First Day (72 hours remain).
- 1 (1 hour later) - Man gets drunk and fails new years resolutions.
- 404 - The day when the sky went blank; the first 404 error in history takes place, sending a lethal shockwave into the farthest corners of the Milky way.
- 666 - End of the world doesn't occur. Many people are all like "WTF?"
- 777- The Triple Mocha Latte comes back from the dead.... and this time, it's back with a vengence
- 1912 - Women learn how to vote.
- 1954 - Second World War begins (Canada only).
- 1960 - One-year anniversary of 1959 is celebrated.
- 1991 - George Bush (Sr.) overthrows the US government and establishes himself as the Emperor of America.
- 2000 - Leonard Bernstein is mauled to death by his psychotic bear parents.
- 2001 - The four horseman of the apocalypse race in the UK Grand national. War wins by a head.
- 2001 - The cable TV channel "Nickelodeon" goes completely down the fucking toilet.
- 2008 - The attack of the 500 foot Jesus begins.
- 2013 - Everyone wakes up to realize the world didn't end; vengeful god proceeds to destroy planet.
- 2048 - The fears over Y2KB are dismissed, and everyone resumes normal activities.
- 3000 - Fry gets de-freezed. Makes friends with a suicidal robot.
- 10000 - IT consultants fail to fix Year 10000 bug. People have come to expect this from Microsoft by now...view -
January 2: International Kill Your Grandmother Day, Season of Giving officially ends
- 1 - Dawn of the Second Day (48 hours remain).
- 1655 - The secret Yukon War takes place and ends on the same day after no one showed up.
- 1880 - Soccer is officially renamed Football at Yale as a joke on Cambridge. A new disgust towards America is born.
- 1933 - Adolf Hitler kills his grandmother and takes over as dictator of Germany. Cites that,"She was a fucking Jew"
- 1945 - Hitler's bunker explodes under mysterious circumstances. His dead granny's ghost suspected.
- 1983 - "Second Christmas" Day celebrated in Germany, fails to catch on.
- 2003 - Some guy walks into his buddy's room early in the morning to point out that the clock reads "01/02/03, 04:05:06." He is arbuptly beaten with an old Sega Genesis controller, finally giving the C button a use.
- 2008 - Dumbledore dies...
- 2015 - Former fourteenth President and model train enthusiast Franklin Pierce rises from the dead to whine, bitch, and moan about no monument being erected for him for keeping the Union whole before "Buchanan fucked it up".
January 3: Feast of St Wallet, International Throw Tomatoes at Old People day
- 1 - Dawn of the Final Day (24 hours remain.)
- 3 - First payday after Christmas. The family breadwinner may heave the ritual sigh of relief and start saving for next Christmas.
- 1922 - Ottoman Empire decides to get out of the land business and focus on relief for calves.
- 1947 - Saddam Hussein and Mel Gibson are born.
- 1948 - Mel Gibson is deported to Australia for abusing a meat grinder.
- 1974 - The Keebler Elves go on strike claiming the working conditions of the tree are " Uncommonly Horrid" and demand a union. Ernie Keebler hires several Smurfs to scab in their place.
- 1992 - Nirvana releases "Come As You Are" as a single. Pathetic guitar players every where rejoice at being able to have a song they can strum while playing Dungeons & Dragons.
- 2004 - CBS declares victory in the ratings war after crushing "that gay peacock network".
- 2006 - a certain website releases "cum as you are" for download. Pathetic Dungeons & Dragons players everywhere rejoice at being able to have a video they can fap to while playing
January 4: International day of Schadenfreude
- 1 - People get bored of noting that it's the n th day ever and abolish the calendar.
- 1642 - The government of Japan introduces the country's first paper money, which is lighter and more convenient than the traditional, bulky coins. Japanese prostitutes everywhere rejoice.
- 1666 - The Great Fire of London begins as the Christmas decorations are taken down too close to a naked flame.
- 1974 - The second coming of Christ faces serious setbacks almost a year after the Supreme court rules on Roe v. Wade.
- 1995 - Michael Jackson is kidnapped and forced to listen to his own music for seven consecutive days by his captors.
- 2006 - A redundant event is added to Uncyclopedia's anniversaries.
- 2009 - California Adventure and UC Irvine sign a treaty, but because Irvine was too busy playing Pokemon during negations, no one is sure exactly what the agreement is about.
- 3265 - The Tooth Fairy is forced to resign after illegally selling children's teeth to hicks and not following the Parapluie Commandments.
- 4412 - The first Twinkie expires. Mutant Horse-Men everywhere worry about their food supply.
January 5: International day of Minor Hubris; International Have Sex Day
- 1166 BC - Ichabod Greyface gets pissed off at all the disorder in the world, and starts a curse that lasts forever until Discordianism comes along.
- 1630 - The Church of God the Wholly Incompetent forces Nicolaus Stuart to recant his heretical belief that God fucked up and made Jesus fall in the bathtub.
- 1794 - The French start to use Leonardo da Vinci's crude design of the helicopter to speed up the hefty guillotine lines.
- 1838 - Samuel Morse invents the first electrical telegraph and immediately sends out his first message: "49/m/mass here STOP any girls up 4 cyber? STOP"
- 1955 - Birth of whiskey maker and drunk-driving victim Johnnie Walker. (The Johnnie Walker Act of 1990 was named in his honor.)
- 1992 - In an emotional speech, IG-88 comes out to the world to announce he has tested positive for the Michelangelo Virus.
- 1994 - Richard Nixon dies. His body isn't discovered for another fifteen weeks due to the fact that no one cared to check on him.
- 2004 - Fox News denies reporting showing favor to Republicans and dismisses it as "a left wing conspiracy out to target our savior of all things freedom, George W. Bush."
- 2009 - President Barack Obama is sworn into office. Entire world thanks God his name isn't Bush. Or George. Or Hussein...
January 6: Official Recover from Holiday Hangover Day
- 1642 - Michelangelo paints his first Graffiti
- 1882 - Donald Rumsfeld is born.
- 1886 - Statue of Liberty is officially decommissioned from being a national monument to a lighthouse. The light was used to guide immigrant ships to Canada, mainly consisting of the French.
- 1901 - Mongolia's population finally increases to 24.
- 1902 - Statue of Liberty turned back into national monument after the French finished getting rid of all their trash, now known as French-Canadians.
- 2010 - Uranus officially undergoes name change to avoid ridicule; henceforth called Urectum.
- 2011 - Urectum officially undergoes name change to avoid ridiculed ridicule. Name reverted to uranus
- 2012 - UrAnus officially undergoes name change to avoid ridiculed ridiculed ridicule. Now called Ur-Mum
- 2188 - The Arizona Cardinals win their first Super Bowl.
- 2200 - Pigs evolve flight mechanism and wings. Many unlucky men finally get that date.view -
January 7: International Insane Day
- 788 - King Arthur has white wine with his lunch instead of red wine. The round table becomes concerned.
- 1938 - The League of Nations is destroyed by the Axis of Evil, going down in three straight sets.
- 1940 - France is destroyed by the Axis of Evil. Somehow, it only took one set.
- 1943 - Nazi German troops under the command of Gen. Paulus surrender at Stalingrad after realizing they were wasting their time fighting over a chunk of Russia, of all damned places.
- 1977 - A chemical is derived that kills JFK, revives Hitler's brain, and taste like grape juice.
- 1977 - Black Karl Marx is born.
- 2007 - Everything begins to make sense now! Yay!
- 2008 - The Pope excommunicates water, approval rating soars to 7 people
- 2009 - Lethal Weapon 5 is released to the public. Story plot: Riggs is crazy blowing up random stuff in the name of God, and Murtough is still "way too old for this shit".
January 8: National Discrimination Day
- 450,000,000,000 bc - Earth v1.0 is created, only to be scrapped and replaced at a later date due to a typo in the planning application. Dinosaurs die in the process.
- 33 - Jesus begins his decline.
- 69 - The Invisible Man invents "stalking hot babes" and ugly women all over the world are furious.
- 1750 - Larry King breaks world record for most sit-ups.
- 1815 - Andrew Jackson forgets that the war is over and utterly destroys the British army. Fortunately, America says "We don't give a shit. You're a hero, YAAAAAAY!"
- 1869 - KKK burnt down by racists, fascists, Nazis, and other bad people.
- 1942 - Henry Ford declares his alleigence to Adolf Hitler's dictatorship.
- 1967 - Martin Luther King Jr. dies of an M&M overdose.
- 1975 - Gerald Ford impeached when he claims he has to sign Ohio State sucks bill in order to leap.
- 2009 - Kellogg's continues to conquer the cereal market with Smack after finally dropping the honey flavoring and just selling it straight up.
- 2010 - The popular children's story that an apple a day keeps the doctor away is discovered to be false; it instead speeds up genital wart formation.
January 9: Triple Entendre Day
- 1939 - Adolf Hitler plays "ball" with Neville Chamberlain.
- 1982 - Tony Danza "eats" a "banana" and looks stupid in slow motion.
- 1987 - Saddam Hussein "gasses" the Kurds, but it ends up being very painful.
- 1996 - Andreas Karoliussen, famous Georgian actor gets fontanellized by the young (still handsome) musician Kanye West.
- 2002 - Osama bin Laden is voted "Man of the Year" by Time Magazine, after all the charity work he did in 2001 for Islamic organizations and networks.
- 2010 - Starbucks starts a promotion with Paris Hilton to continue helping young tweens aspire to be fashion whores with no hope of breaking the glass ceiling.
- 2011 - The term "high school" is abolished after too many complaints from parents suggesting that it's "too politically correct".
January 10: Reefer Madness day
Oh No!
The happy couple.
In Russia, Wikipedia goes here!.
Adolf Hitler doing something naughty. Probably.
Comrade Danny upon being crotch punched.
David Beckham in traditional pose.
Porn in Braille
Why do I get my Hopes up?
Coffee Enema
BOI-OI-OIIIING!!!
*whistles*
That's no moon...
Delicious!
- 370 b.c. - Plato almost chokes after inhaling a dandelion, then writes the dialogue Clouds.
- 75 - John The Baptist makes a comeback and tours europe with buddha.
- 1810 - Napoleon divorces Empress Joséphine, calling her "a total fucking harpie".
- 1841 - Low on firewood, ropes made from Hemp are burned by Mormon pilgrims in Utah. That night, visions from heaven assail them.
- 1968 - Napalm dropped on a Vietnamese Hemp field. This instigates the largest attack of the munchies known to man.
- 1979 - Pac-Man is admitted to rehab after a white pellet addiction. "Gotta run from teh gh0sts!!!1!one" - Pac-Man
- 1979 - Disco dies of a cocaine overdose.
- 1986 - Chernobyl enters the active age of Radio.
- 1991 - Kool-Aid retires the Kool-Aid Man after he is imprisoned for providing alcohol to a 14-year old girl.
- 1992 - The cookie monster enters rehab, forever changed... for the worse
- 2007 - After several days of being stoned, Germany reconsiders invading Poland but soon realizes that Nobody cares.
- 2011 - Princess Peach dies
January 11: Fear of the Apocalypse Day
The End Is Near!
- -3000 BC - God plays with Play-Doh and creates the Earth.
- -3000.5 BC - God vows to destroy the earth. Claims to make something in lines with Krypton instead.
- -50 BC - World not ended yet, everyone waiting with baited breath.
- 34 - The end is near!
- 184 - The end is near!
- 265 - The end is near!
- 532 - Thanks to the Nika riots, the end was too near for 30,000 Romans
- 583 - The end is near!
- 789 - The end is nearer
- 830 - The end is near!
- 1054 - The end is still near!
- 1175 - The end is getting there!
- 1386 - Maybe the end is next week
- 1604 - Maybe the end is on the 12th
- 1848 - I'm sure the end will come soon
- 1942 - I hope The End comes soon, they're a good band.
- 1978 - Next week is the end of days, I'm sure of it.
- 1979 - The end is coming... and I need a pee.
- 1988 - Edgar C. Whisenant gives us 88 Reasons why the end is near!
- 1997 - The end is... oh, you get it
- 1998 - Ava Devine elected CEO of the United Companies of America.
- 1994 - Kurt Cobain drives the porcelain bus before actively departing this mortal coil
- 2004 - The end is... whatever
- 2034 - 2000 years and the end is still near!
- 3000 -The end is here! Fireballs fall from the sun! Tsunamis have reached Nebraska! We're all gonna die!!!
- 3000.5 - Cats and Dogs officially start living together.
- 3000.75 - The end of the world officially announced. The whole world gathers at Time square for the countdown.
- 3001 - The end's been and gone, oh well
- 3002 - God plays with Play-doh and creates Krypton.
January 12: Political correctness throughout History Herstory Day.
- 6780 BC - Fred Flintstone appears on the Jerry Springrock special "I Married My Pet" show.
- 7 - German mountain men coin the phrase "Das riecht nach Schwein Scheiße!" ("This smells like pigshit!" in English)
- 1 - Some dude is circumcised. Hilarity ensues.
- 1341 - The Breton War of Succession over the control of the Duchy of Brittany begins. At least we think it did, because that's what this here calendar says.
- 1853 - Archibald Schtumpf is killed during an autoerotic experience with the newly invented hydraulic knitting machine.
- 1863 - Abraham Lincoln frees the blacks for the first time.
- 1944 - German Jewish health and beauty products Finale Solution Shoah Cream and Calamity (שואה) by Calvin Klein are withdrawn due to falling sales.
- 1964 - Lyndon Baines Johnson frees them AGAIN.
- 1966 - Chairperson Mao announces to all humans in China the beginning of the "Multicultural Turnover"
- 1991 - George Bush Sr. reintroduces slavery.
- 1994 - Clinton comes to the aid of America and kills slavery yet again, right after having a quick visit through the typing pool.
- 2008 - Jimmy's Lemonade Stand files for bankruptcy after Bobby's Juice-Box overtakes him in sales. Bobby is soon run out of business by WalMart's version, Liquid Emporium.
- 2239 - Cinnamonism becomes the new major faith after the decade long New Cola War finally ends in the bloody Battle of Albuquerque.
January 13: Incoherent Information Day / New Year's Eve for Julius Caesar fans who insist on using the Julian calendar.
WARNING! May cause choking in children over 40.
- 1610 - Galileo Galilei discovers the fourth satellite of Jupiter and names it "Shit".
- 1830 - A devastating fire burns large parts of New Orleans to the ground. Hurricane Katrina helps extinguish the last remaining flames 175 years later.
- 1774 - Ireland is violently liberated from Apaches. Heavy drinking ensues.
- 1874 - Thomas Edison patents the pneumatic kitten extruder, which gains widespread success in new chinese markets.
- 1939 - Germany and the Soviet Union divide Poland. Germany takes the lightbulb and the guy to hold it. The Soviets take the ladder and the four pollacks needed to turn the ladder.
- 1942 - Henry Ford gets a patent for his new automobile which is 50% more Nazi than regular cars.
- 1996 - Annie Lennox accidentally breaks wind within range of a microphone. Is immediately awarded two Grammys and a BRIT award.
- 2002 - President George W. Bush faints after choking on a pretzel. This will be remembered as the defining moment of his presidency. In a completely unrelated move, President Bush signs a bill forcing all pretzel companies to post the notice "DANGER: PRETZELS MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH" on their packages in large red letters.
- 2008 - Famous actor and amateur codeine syrup manufacturer Joaquin Phoenix officially backs then Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama after seeing Barack sipping on Grape drink with Jesse Jackson at a Chicago NAACP meeting.
January 14: Death to Christmas Day (North Korea)
Another Christmas lost.
- 30 - John Lennon elected to public office in Palestine with pledge to become bigger than messianic leaders.
- 1610 - Galileo Galilei is forced to change the name of the newly disocovered fourth satellite of Jupiter from Shit to Callisto.
- 1613 - Henry Carver, a resident of London, England, supposedly digs up the granite tablets containing the Ten General Commandments of All Humanity from beneath a cricket pitch near his home on this date. Compies rejoice.
- 1753 - Following intense pressure from "the dirty Scots", the Bank of England replaces the old currency of Scottish maidens to that of pornographic magazines.
- 1911 - Irish Gaelic becomes the official language of Spain. Intense rioting in Catalonia ensures a return to Pig Latin the following day.
- 1945 - Adolf Hitler belatedly makes his 1944 Christmas speech to the German nation. The Allies later herald this delay as a crucial point in winning World War II, as Germans were demoralised by their leader's lack of punctuality.
- 1972 - North Korea announces that it was responsible for the death of Christmas Day in 1965. President Richard Nixon of the United States declares it "a crime against public holidays" during a state visit to his local slave market.
- 1973 - The Grinch retires.
- 1981 - Afghan leaders meet in Kabul to discuss what language to be used in a letter to Moscow asking for a Soviet withdrawal from the country and the return of 45 million tonnes of looted opium. American drug users continue to mount a protest outside the Soviet Embassy in Washington D.C. calling for the return of the opium.
- 2004 - Terrorists attack and destroy goatse.cx, leaving thousands bereaved. George Washington Carver notes it is "a day that will live in infamy."
- 2012 - Kim Jong Il finally murders Santa after searching for him for 19 years.
January 15: Festival of the Yak (Uranium) / International Vandalize Wikipedia Day
- 4004 BC - The Yak begats Adam and pulls out his rib to give birth to another yak.
- 1787 - The Yak begats 535 people for the United States Congress. This is widely regarded as a bad move.
- 1986 - The Yak is irritated by Soviets, destroys Chernobyl.
- 1988- Johanna Hedberg Infamous Norwegian Big Brother winner (also famous for a line of clothes (C.U.N.T) made of skin from cucumber, fur from navy seals and nostril toddlers) is born and digested.
- 1992 - Yak Shaving Day replaces Festival of the Yak. Rare picture of "The Yak"
- 1995 - UN resolution number 377536 proposes that January be renamed Yakuary. Only Belgium, Nepal and Wales actually instigate this.
- 2001 - Wikipedia created
- 2001 - Wikipedia extensively vandalized.
- 2001 - The Yak begats Wikipedia. No one cares.
- 2005 - 10th anniversary of Yakuary marred when February gets really drunk, tries to hit on April, June, and Lindsay Lohan.
- 2006 - Millionth Wikipedia article vandalized. Nobody cares.
- 2009 - The Yak goes into hiatus. The world falls into a new dark age.
- 2010 - Return of the Yak predicted. Nobody cares.
- 2100 - The Yak returns, finds world destroyed by extraterrestrial Cows.
January 16: Anniversary of the Bowel movement
- 9 - Something happened to some guy somewhere out there in the world
- 1264 - For the first time in human history, a man was born twice
- 1356 - Some dude got all medieval on some other dude
- 1930 - Mickey Mouse loses his license to Steamboat Willie after being caught transporting 11 illegal immigrants up the Timeless River. Walt Disney distraught.
- 1942 - Odds are, Hitler did something bad on this date in 1942
- 1987 - Something performed by guys with poofy hair and makeup on was the number one song inAmerica
- 1990 - You suddenly realize time didn't stop, but knew that time stopped.
- 1991 - Yak does something which was supposed to be done in the future, begats Wikipedia. Nobody cares.
- 2000 - Something.com receives one million hits.
- 2007 - Yak returns and travels back in time to yesterday, begats Wikipedia. Nobody still cares
- 2007 - Dark Portal opens. World of Warcraft fans shit themselves.
January 17: International Punch Danny Baker In The Crotch Day
- 1993 - Danny Baker punched in the crotch
- 1994 - Danny Baker punched repeatedly in the crotch
- 1995 - Many people punch Danny Baker in the crotch
- 1996 - In the crotch, Danny Baker is punched
- 1997 - Danny Baker's crotch punched repeatedly
- 1998 - In Soviet Russia, Danny Baker's crotch punches YOU!!
- 1999 - Danny Baker retires with crotch-strain
- 2003 - Unnamed burglar breaks into Danny Baker's retirement home to punch him in the crotch
- 2005 - Danny Baker kicked in the crotch by Big Bird
- 2007 - Danny Baker gets his balls punched off by Nathan Thompson.
- 2008 - Various minor celebrities wait in line for four hours to punch Danny Baker in the crotch
- 2009 - Danny Baker's son declares his intent to continue his father's legacy of being punched in the crotch on his death, then affirms this by punching Danny Baker in the crotch
- 2009 - Danny Baker's son dies of broken crotch
- 2010 - Danny Baker digs up his son, punches him in the crotch and buries himself
- 2012 - The end of days comes and Danny Baker gets his revenge on the world by punching everybody in the crotch.
January 18: Wenns Day (aka Humping Day) (Earth)
- 1610 - God divinely inspires Sidney Trammell; Trammell doesn't notice for another two years.
- 1778 - James Cook is the first known European to discover the "Sandwich Islands", which are later renamed the "Tuna Sandwich Islands", then "Tuna Sandwich with Chips Islands", "Tuna Sandwich with Chips and a Drink (no ice) Islands", and "Japan's Target Islands" before they eventually became the "Hawaiian Islands".
- 1952 - The first issue of Mad Magazine is thrown in the garbage by your mom.
- 1990 - The Humpty Dance is the #1 song in America. Depressing, eh?
- 1991 - Bill Clinton holds a conference about creating a uniting Europe and Asia in to the Nation of Eurasia.
- 1996 - The Spice Girls declare their hatred for the West.
- 2000 - David Beckham is transformed from human being into a brand.
- 2008 - Cloverfield hits theaters across America, unfortunately for New York the movie was based on a true story.
- 7,998,824 BC - Monkeys evolve opposable thumbs
- 7,998,824 BC - Monkeys start to "spank the monkey"
- 3000 BC - Egyptians invent papyrus.
- 2999 BC - First pornographic papyrus, featuring Nefertiti. Men say they "just read it for the hieroglyphs".
- 1450 - Gutenberg invents printing press, prints Gutenberg Bible
- 1450 - Gutenberg invents a printing press capable of printing centerfolds
- 1850 - Man invents photography
- 1850 - First pornographic pictures.
- 1953 - First Playboy, featuring Marilyn Monroe
- 1953 - World suffers from a crippling shortage of hand lotion
- 1970 - Presidential Commission on Obscenity and Pornography is convened to look into social effects of porn. After six straight weeks of reviewing pornographic materials, the members of the commission say they have come to no conclusions, and ask for six more months to study the issue.
- 1971 - Man invents videos
- 1971 - Man invents porn videos
- 1971 - First porn video director becomes millionaire
- 1982 - DARPA, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, begins research into a network that will allow porn to be transmitted even in the event of a nuclear attack. This network, ARPANET, is the precursor of the internet.
- 1994 - Man invents world wide web
- 1994 - Man invents porn web site
- 1994 - First porn web site reaches 100 million hits. This is particularly impressive when you consider that only 5,000 people had web browsers at the time.
- 2010 - Ugh that's better.
- 2015 - The last male yak porn star dies and the month is renamed after his last partner.
January 20: Nobody edit Uncyclopedia Day Or Else
- 1492 - Columbus becomes president of America.
- 1937 - The 20th Amendment is passed, forcing all presidental candidates to compete in a 100-meter dash to decide the primaries. Surprisingly, Franklin D. Roosevelt is the first president to win this event.
- 1942 - The Nazi Party gives the final solution to the "Jewish question", though the Jews insist that they were just asking for directions.
- 1984 - Armies of Oceania defeat Eurasian armies in the Congo.
- 1988 - Everybody ignored this holiday.
- 1992 - Governer Bill Clinton beats Paul Tsongas in the primaries. Investigations as to whether or not Clinton bit part of Tsongas's ear off in the final stretch are launched.
- 2004 - Pinky and the Brain finally take over the world, and are then killed by Joe Cartoon in a blender.
- 2007 - People are still intent on ignoring this holiday.
- 2008 - No-one has edited Uncyclopedia! Until I just did. Oh shit.
- 2009 - International Change Day. Citizens of the 'Homeless Undead'-ridden Californian cities get a day of reprieve from demands for change as the masses of change-hungry 'Zombos' are distracted by a change of power in Washington
- 2010 - Some n00b edits Uncyclopedia.
- 2300 - after leaving earth after 2012, humans finally get to the only safe planet, uranis.
- 2301 - finally people decide to wipe uranis clean of those mean little stinky brown blobs.
January 21: National Dirty Sanchez Your Dad's Coffee Day, Day of Tribulation
- 1000 BC - Vikings land on an inhospitable island they call Niv Iaerssei; this event later forms the backbone of The Saga of Rigaatoni Pennesson.
- 1592 - Elmunsucío Sánchez Columbus discovers Atlantis, but loses map and thus it is lost for all eternity.
- 1654 - John Morrisey drinks too much coffee and gets a vision of a gigantic coffee empire, with himself riding on a male star deer.
- 1781 - Benedict Arnold, tired of being called "Eggs Benedict" by George Washington, sells out to the British. He later begins a travelling show, called Hey Arnold!
- 1850 - Millard Fillmore installs the White House's first bathtub.
- 1915 - First Kiwanis Club Meeting. To this day they still can't figure out what their purpose is, but constantly argue over who has the better wife.
- 1991 - First ever "Yo-Mama Joke" is told. Violent bitch-slaps shortly follow.
- 1996 - Former Pink Floyd frontman Syd Barrett climbs the Empire State Building; some blonde chick knocks him off.
- 2000 - Aaron Copland conquers the Martians ... Historians vote "Best day ... Ever"
- 2008 - Tom Hanks falls off a bridge; there is much rejoicing.
- 2013 - Bob Barker dies from a Viagra overdose.
- 2036 - Tracy Morgan wins gold medal in Olympic Stand-up. Adam Sandler comes in third.
January 22: National Cover-Up Day (USA)
- 1012 - The second coming did not happen.
- 1492 - Nothing happened. You didn't see anything, so it doesn't count.
- 1776 - The United States of America was always unquestionably free.
- 1812 - We had reasonable cause to attack.
- 1847 - The United States retaliated against a Mexican surprise attack.
- 1861 - The United States was always united.
- 1917 - The United States irrefutably wins World War I in late-inning heartstopper.
- 1945 - The United States irrefutably wins World War II in extra time. Germans claim the ball had not crossed the line. England don't care.
- 1965 - The United States irrefutably wins the Vietnam War in seven games.
- 1974 - President Nixon finishes out his "optional" term of office.
- 2001 - Heavy winds cause the World Trade Center towers to weaken.
- 2003 - The United States irrefutably wins the War in Iraq in a 4-game whitewash.
- 2005 - It is the policy of this Administration not to discuss ongoing investigations.
- 2006 - Global Warming? What Global Warming?
- 2007 - There is no Grand Conspiracy.
- 2012 - The world will not end.
- 9999 - Nothing will happen. Quite boring.
January 23: Trail off in the middle of your sente...
- 32 - Jesus delivers to the masses the secret of life: "One must b..."
- 1321 - The Pope admits that the papacy is really...
- 1532 - Leonardo da Vinci announces in Genoa: "The essence of the rennaissance is..."
- 1944 - Adolf Hitler admits the Holocaust was really just...
- 1953 - Chinese communists brainwash several U.S....
- 1969 - NASA decides to reinfect all...
- 1972 - The British Army launches a massive coun...
- 1980 - Led Zeppelin drummer John Bonham decides to drink all...
- 1984 - Porn star Ron Jeremy admits his wang is...
- 1991 - The Merry Christmas Critters level up in their satanic powers b...
- 1995 - Virtual hockey 1995 released in Ja...
- 2004 - John Kerry says his position on the Iraq War is...
- 2005 - The CIA admits finally admits it killed ...
- 2006 - Tony Blair confirms he'll resign on...
- 2006 - Micheal Jackson sues his children for inturrupting his...
- 2006 - The Lindbergh Baby was discovered at a qu...
- 2007 - ...for doing the opposite of what everyone else is doing.
- 2015 - Baby Seals establish a system of government and become...
- 2008 - Your mom and that guy were....
- 2011 - The Duke Nukem: Forever release date will be....
- 2013 - I finally figured women out. It's so simple. All you have to do is make sure that you never....
- 2194 - Second Coming of Jesus!!! Jesus descends to Earth and...
- 3452 - Judgment Day!!! YHWH says you can get into heaven by...
-
∞ - Chuck Norris spontaneously comes into existence. -
0 - The first plain text message was decoded. -
41 - Caligula killed for textstalking people on his Boost Mobile. -
1337 - Not celebrated this year because everything was done in Leet text. -
1338 - =|> ASCII art kills itself <|= -
1563 - John Pepys records his shorthand diary. -
1838 - Samuel Morse demonstrated the first plain text telegraph browser. -
1878 - The first typewriter is invented, powered by Intel Core i16, having 160 GB of RAM and 600 TB SSD storage. -
1879 - The WWW is invented for the said typewriter. -
1880 - World of Warcraft, a text based MMORPG becomes the most played online game on the typewriter. -
1838 - Courier New fucks Times New Roman. -
1995 - The OJ Simpson jury delivers a verdict in plain text. -
2006 - Snakes on a Plain Text Day. -
2007 - I fucking hate plain bagels! -
2008 - Slavo-Indo-Chinese Buddhist Mujahadeen take over the entire Eastern Hemisphere and wage continental wars against the peoples of Antarctica. -
2012 - The final half of the Bible was written in plain text. It clearly showed, through the application of logic, that God was infact a three headed football.
January 25: Januarymas - Happy Januarymas everyone!, Winter-een-mas begins
- 1754 - Oscar Wilde's first stupid idea.
- 1759 - Robert Burns decides to celebrate Januarymas. Thousands of Scotch get drunk off product of same name.
- 1994 - Last airplane crash caused by Oscar Wilde.
- 1990 - Magic Leprechaun starts accumulating knowledge.
- 1992 - Steve Ballmer begins his wrath upon all.
- 2005 - Carson Daly beats the crap out of Dick Clark in the middle of Times Square. ABC, frantic, quickly replaces Clark with noted gaydar Ryan Seacrest, and Ryan Seacrest's "Dick Clark's January's Rockin' Mas" is a modest hit with target audiences. No word on Brian Dunkleman, though.
- 2008 - Ryan Seacrest finally comes out of his closet after 2 years of looking for that stylish Versace waistcoat.
- 2015 -The Canadians attack the newly established Baby Seal military base just outside Toronto.
- 2101 - "For græt justice!" becomes a catch phrase.
- 2103 - It is discovered that Heath ledger faked his death and went to live with elvis presley, he dies for real today.
January 26: National 'Hail Zeus' day (Ancient Greece)
- Beginning of Time - Zeus is begat by Chronos and Chaos.
- 3457 BC - Zeus gets it on with his wife/sister, Hera. He has Orpheus invent the banjo to provide some mood music for their wedding night. Unfortunately, the song he creates for that special occasion is later used in the film Deliverance.
- 353 - Christianity takes a whack at Zeus.
- 700 - Zeus commands the French to worship him. When they refuse, he curses them with garlic and an irrational fear of washing.
- 1879 - Zeus smites the prototype caboose to advert unflattering poetry. Unfortunately, it is reinvented three days latter.
- 1901 - The popular phrase "I dont give a fuck" is used for the first time by John Keats when he found out that the toothpaste he was using was actually his shaving cream.
- 1959 - Under the pen name Dr. Zeuss, Zeus begins to write children's literature. His first book is "Hop on MILF", in which a Greek god transforms into various animals in order to make out with human women.
- 1974 - Zeus curses John Boorman for using his wedding-night song in Deliverance. When Boorman's next film, Zardoz, flops, Zeus simply laughs.
- 2002 - Zeus decides he doesn't like George W. Bush and decides to strike him down, but can't find any lightning bolts. Instead he sends him a cursed pretzel.
- 2010 - A Greek man charged with sodomistic rape of an Iranian woman is found not guilty in celebration of the verdict being read on this holiday.
January 27: International Bring Your Exotic Pet To Work Day
- 1313 - The Pope and King Charlemagne lead the first celebration of this holiday.
- 1776 - Thomas Jefferson, suffering from writers' block, brings his pet negro Toby to work. Jeffy wakes up later in the day from a nap to discover that Toby had finished writing the remaining 96% of the Declaration of Independence. Jeffy promptly whipped Toby and submitted the Declaration to the Continental Congress the next day.
- 1933 - Adolf Hitler wows to destroy all Jews when his pet Jew sleeps with his girlfriend. Makes Stalin his new pet.
- 1945 - President Harry Truman let his komodo dragon press the big red button, authorizing the use of nookz.
- 1947 - Mahatma Gandhi takes his pet rhinoceros to a rally. Scares the British into leaving India.
- 1959 - Keith Olbermann is born in New York. The hospital staff let a doctor's pet Gila monster deliver Olbermann, only to have the animal kidnap Olbermann and raise him for the next 18 years.
- 1984 - Winston Smith brings his parrot to work, only to have it arrested by the Thought Police for thoughtcrime.
- 1995 - Osama bin Laden trains his pet Orangutan to use AK47s and RPGs. Becomes mascot for terrorists all over the world.
- 2005 - Amir Khan brings his pet Shahrukh Khan to his film shoot. Says it is his lucky charm.
- 2010 - Howard Zinn and J.D. Salinger die on the same day. They have a long-winded conversation about literature outside the Pearly Gates, boring and annoying everyone else in line.
- 2010 - Amitabh Bachchan brings Aishwarya Rai on a leash, marries her off to his son.
- 2011 - Aishwarya Rai bears a child, put on leash too.
January 28: International No Anniversary Day. World I Am The Voice Of The Mysterons Day - Hi Im Ed Winchester Day (Austin Texas Only)
- 1800 BC - Brits invent the word 'reaulycing' from their caves. America criticized for improving it and accused of warmongering.
- 0 - The world was officially created, but nobody cares.
- 1591 - Queen Elizabeth I's personal confessor Abbot Costello is confused by cricket, shouting, "Who's on first?"
- 1987 - Happy Days Is Filmed In Front Of A Studio Audience - did you know that, I didnt know that !
- 1994 - God was re-born, he died a few seconds later.
- 1996 - Slap bracelets were re-introduced into the world and you became cool for just one moment longer.
- 2005 - INA Day founded and people celebrate it.
- 2006 - People realise that INA is an anniversary and so change it to 'International No Anniversaries Before 2005' Day.
- 2008 - People got so fed up of realising that January 28th was changed to 'International Realising Day'.
- 2009 - Dr. Mario is executed.
- 2010 - Americans change it to 'International Realizing Day'
- 3000 - After much deliberation Americans have realised they have realised nothing and revert back to International No Anniversary Day.
- 1200 BC, BC, BC - Moses hears his own echo on top of Sinai and believes it to be the voice of God.
- 1939, 39, 39 - Yet today, day, day...I consider myself, self, self...the luckiest man, man, man...on the face of the earth, earth, earth.
- 1956, 56, 56 - Syd Barrett writes "Echoes."
- 2007, 07, 07 - System of a Down and U2 are finally respected for their obnoxious repeating lyrics.
- 2009, 09, 09 - Man scale officially discovered again and again and again
- 2010, 10, 10 - Ducks are officially banned from the Earth on Echo Day Day for their lack of an echoing quack.
- 4567, 67, 67 - Goats Goats, after their invasion of Earth Earth, kill everyone who celebrates Echo Day Da...
- 4570, 70, 70 - Small all all cult ult of of goats oats celebrate rate Echo echo Day ay in secrect ret....
January 30: International Cliche Day
- A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away.... - The evil armies attack, and only a hero can save the light side.
- Once upon a time - A young girl, living in poverty, met Prince Charming and they lived happily ever after.
- 50BC - Nero plays the violin while Rome burns.
- 42- Something happens.
- 69- Two people have sex in a kinky position.
- 1110 - Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before.
- 1111 - Besides, there's plenty more fish in the sea.
- 1268 - A battle of epic proportions occurs. The bad guys lose and the Half-good guys win. Our heroes from the future find themselves trapped in this age of rape and plundering, and just as they are to be executed for public fornication, the funky professor back in the future figures out a way to save them, and bring them back.
- 1337- Awesome shit happens.
- 1859 - Abraham Lincoln fights his evil twin.
- 1875 - Oscar Wilde says something that touches each and every one of our hearts.
- 1939-1945 The bad guys are a bunch of Nazis. Wow, that's really original.
- 1945 - President Truman considers bombing Japan with the A-bomb. "It's crazy", he says, "but just crazy enough to work."
- 1960 - The first American movie is released involving guns, aliens, tits, love-triangles, dinosaurs, Mars, and a young misfit whose strange talent is needed to save the world.
- 1979 - The Japanese release their first movie, game, book, and porno where key characters die for shock-value. Survival rate of Japanese characters lowers to 10%
- 2003 - America liberates Iraqistan to bring freedom to the Arabs. The liberal media rejects patriotism.
- 2006 - The anniversary list once again becomes a chat room.
- 2007 - You wake up, and it was all a dream.
- 2010 - Aliens invade, but they have a hidden weakness which is discovered just in time.
- 2011 - Aliens invade again. Different aliens. We shoot the mother ship with a one in a million chance of it hitting. It hits.
- 2017 - A rag-tag misfit with his own set of rules is persuaded to help the police track down the kitten ripper bandit in order to buy his own freedom.
- 2101 - War was beginning.
- 2242 - Uruguay changes its name to UrJustinBeiberTwilightfagharrypotterbananasplitlover
- 2407 - Super Mario made an apperance in his 1,309th video game entitled "Mario saves the Princess, AGAIN." It never gets old does it?
666
- +9000 - Vegeta finally gets the même about his catchphrase
January 31: National Ice Cream Day
- 201 AD - Ice cream is invented in Rome, but it quickly melts due to the lack of refrigerators. Everyone is forced to slurp it.
- 1551 - French explorers with sensitive teeth die exploring Northern Africa after keeling over in pain from eating ice cream, leaving themselves open to attack by savage tribesmen who quickly beheaded them.
- 1819 - Heinrich Maanschweisener creates a means to produce dots from ice cream; he is defenestrated later that year on the orders of Baron Rottweil von Friendly, who fears for his monopoly on frozen treats.
- 1928 - Stalin re-invents ice cream and names it Stalin Cream. USSR rejoices but the American scum looses there underwear.
- 1949 - Friendly's loses contract to sell ice cream in China and is denied renewed funding by the U.S. government.
- 1960 - Vespugian president Manuel del Caracos, on a tour of America, drowns when he falls into a flash-freezer at the Pittsburgh Dippin' Dots factory.
- 1979 - Ben and Jerry's "Popped Cherry" ice cream is a hit.
- 1971 - The first ice cream stand is opened in Moscow, Russia, but quickly seized by the government.
- 1989 - Alexei Kalashnikov, proprietor of a meager Baskin Robins parlor in Stalingrad, defects to the West and takes the secret recipe for Dippin' Dots with him.
- 1991 - Dunkin' Donuts loses a hedge-trimming contest to Dairy Queen.
- 2007 - Coaticook brand ice cream hits shelves in Quebec, next to other ice creams.
- 2008 - Coaticook goes ahead with first ever ice cream referendum, demanding that they have their own shelf.
- 2009 - After a cat infestation, Ben & Jerry's introduces "Cat Pan Crunch" flavor
- 2085 - Dippin' Dots production headquarters are obliterated by an Iranian superweapon; Friendly's rejoices.
- 999999999999 AD - <insert name here> creates unfunny joke about pokemon, nazis and hitler.
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