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Black

A picture of the universe later this year.

January 1: International "Let's Get Hammered!" Day (not including Saudi Arabia), New Year's Day (Ireland)

  • 5,985,895,625 BCE - Satan invents time. God steals Satan's invention, kicks him in the nuts, and begins creating the blueprint for humanity. In disgust, Satan gets hammered, creating another blueprint for humanity.
  • 1237 BCE - Thor misinterprets the holiday and manages to destroy half the universe.
  • 0 - Worldwide fireworks displays celebrating new year mistaken for creation of light by God.
  • 404 - First time predictions of an apocalypse are found to be untrue, as a global 404 Error does not occur.
  • 1912 - Women learn how to vote, albeit through the strict instruction of men.
  • 1918 - Prohibition starts in the U.S. and the day becomes Let's Pretend We're Not Getting Hammered Even Though We Already Were Buzzed From Last Night Day.
  • 1954 - Second World War begins (Canada only).
  • 1983 - New Year's Day is invented by U2 in song. A quick followup, Groundhog Day, fails to catch the public's fancy and the band is forced to flee to Bulgaria.
  • 1989 - It's Hammer Time, but everyone is already too hammered to notice initially.
  • 2000 - Y2K bug fails to destroy internet; few are disappointed.
  • 3000 - Fry gets defrosted, makes friends with a suicidal robot. After 4 or 5 velvet hammers each, they walk into traffic and are run over by George Jetson.
  • 10000 - IT consultants fail to fix Y10K 2: Electric Boogaloo. People have come to expect this from Microsoft by now.view -

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Franklin Pierce

Where's my marble steps?

January 2: Global Day of Shame and Regret (still not including Saudi Arabia), Season of Giving officially ends

  • 0 - Nine months from now, Jesus is going to be born, or so the prophets say, not realizing that no such year exists and this would have Jesus born in September. The Libyan Sibyl grudgingly buys a calendar with kittens on it from the local bookstore.
  • 213 - Cassius Dio first reports on the tribulations of the Germanic Alemanni tribe as they are being stomped on by the legions of Roman Emperor Caracalla "The Callous" after being extended the olive branch of peace. The tribe, later known as Swabians, would not forget and would become big fans of Rainbow, Black Sabbath and the band Dio.
  • 1492 - Granada, the last Arab stronghold in Spain falls. Queen Isabella is now free to initiate Spanish Inquisition jokes.
  • 1655 - The secret Yukon War takes place and ends on the same day after no one shows up.
  • 1880 - Football is officially renamed soccer at Yale as a joke on Cambridge. A new aversion to America is born.
  • 1933 - Adolf Hitler kills his grandmother and takes over as dictator of Germany. He explains that "she was a fucking Jew". All Christian churches give him absolution.
  • 1945 - Hitler's bunker explodes under mysterious circumstances. His grandmother's ghost is a suspect.
  • 1959 - Russia launches the Luna 1 satellite into space. Designed to crash into the Moon to determine the exact type of cheese it's made from, it misses, loops around and destroys a rocket about to launch at Baikonur Cosmodrome.
  • 2003 - Some guy walks into his wasted buddy's room early in the morning to point out that the clock reads "01/02/03, 04:05:06." He is abruptly beaten with an old Sega Genesis controller, finally giving the C button a use.
  • 2015 - Former fourteenth president and model train enthusiast Franklin Pierce rises from the dead to whine, bitch, and moan about no monument being erected for him for keeping the Union whole before "Buchanan fucked it up".

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MEL-SAD

Separated at birth?

January 3: Feast of St. Wallet, International Throw Tomatoes at Old People Day

  • 974 BCE - Methuselah, sick of being a target of thrown tomatoes, asks God for guidance. God gives him a shield of vibranium. However, neighborhood kids sneak up behind Methuselah and still get him. God, laughing, explains that he just needed some crushed tomatoes for spaghetti sauce as the Flying Spaghetti Monster was coming for dinner. An angry Methuselah throws the shield at God, but it misses and flies back like a boomerang and cuts Methuselah in half. His dying word is "^$#*&!!". Thus, the first cutting remark is made.
  • 3 CE - The first payday after Christmas. The family breadwinner heaves the ritual sigh of relief and starts saving for next Christmas.
  • 31 - Jesus says, "Let him who is without sin cast the first tomato," getting the jump on everyone. Catsup is invented.
  • 1922 - The Ottoman Empire decides to get out of the land business and focus on relief for aching calves.
  • 1925 - Benito Mussolini announces seizure of power in Italy; Jersey Shore viewing figures are unaffected.
  • 1947 - Saddam Hussein and Mel Gibson are born. They are accidentally switched in the delivery room, though it will make no difference later on.
  • 1947 - Proceedings of the United States Congress is televised for first time. Jersey Shore still maintains a solid audience.
  • 1948 - Mel Gibson is deported to Australia for abusing a meat grinder.
  • 2004 - CBS declares victory in the ratings war after crushing "that gay peacock network".

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OldMoney

What will this get me?

January 4: Original Star Wars Day

  • 1642 - The government of Japan introduces the country's first paper money, which is more convenient than bulky coins. Japanese prostitutes everywhere rejoice
  • 1666 - The Great Fire of London begins as the Christmas decorations are taken down too close to a naked flame.
  • 1974 - The second coming of Christ faces serious setbacks almost a year after the Supreme Court rules on Roe v. Wade.
  • 1975 - George Lucas finishes writing the entire canon for the Star Wars films after three years of work. While stopping off at a Caesar's for a couple of pizzas, he manages to lose all the parts except for Part IV (A New Hope). Panicked, he proceeds to write out summaries for all the other segments in about two hours, though not forgetting to include his imaginary friends Jar-Jar and Palpatine. He will then improvise during film production, not editing out a single frame in the fear that he might miss something good. Turning to his own dark side, he would spend the rest of his days trying to get lightning bolts to come out of his fingertips.
  • 1995 - Michael Jackson is kidnapped and forced to listen to his own music for seven consecutive days by his captors.
  • 2004 - Spirit, a NASA Mars rover, touches down on Mars at 04:35 UTC and is later fined for landing on double yellow lines.
  • 2010 - The Burj Khalifa, world's tallest building, opens to the public despite revelation that the architects paid Osama bin Laden to help them achieve "tallest building" status by adding an ICBM to the top.
  • 2012 - Tooth Fairy forced to resign after illegally selling children's teeth to hicks and not following the Parapluie Commandments.
  • 4412 - The first Twinkie expires. Apocalypse-fearers everywhere worry about their food supply.

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IG88

Don't cry for me, I'm already dead.

January 5: International Day of Minor Hubris

  • 1653 BCE - Minoans run with scissors after inventing them, with predictable results.
  • 1011 BCE - The Greeks invent hubris and feel pretty smug about it.
  • 1794 - The French start to use Leonardo da Vinci's crude design of the helicopter to speed up growing guillotine queues.
  • 1838 - Samuel Morse invents the first electrical telegraph and immediately sends out his first message: "49/m/nyc STOP any girls up 4 cyber? STOP."
  • 1938 - Scrooge McDuck founds the Bilderberg Group so he can charge for food, drink and lodging during the conferences.
  • 1955 - Birth of whiskey maker and drunk-driving victim Johnnie Walker, the Johnnie Walker Act of 1990 being named in his honor.
  • 1992 - In an emotional speech, IG-88 comes out to the world to announce he has tested positive for the Michelangelo Virus.
  • 1994 - Richard Nixon dies. His body isn't discovered for another fifteen weeks due to the fact that no one cared to check.
  • 2004 - Fox News denies reporting showing favor to Republicans and dismisses it as "a left-wing conspiracy out to target our saviour of all things freedom, George W. Bush."
  • 2009 - President Barack Obama is sworn into office. Entire world thanks God his name isn't Bush. Or George. Or Hussein.

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Uranus crack

January 6: International Day of... um... the...

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Black karl marx

BKM in da hizzy freaks!

January 7: International Insanity Day

  • 788 - King Arthur has white wine with his lunch instead of red wine. The round table becomes concerned.
  • 1938 - The League of Nations is destroyed by the Axis of Evil, going down in three straight sets.
  • 1940 - France is destroyed by the Axis of Evil. Somehow, it only takes one set.
  • 1943 - Nazi German troops under the command of Gen. Paulus surrender at Stalingrad after realizing they were wasting their time fighting over Russia of all places.
  • 1961 - Willie Nelson writes the song Crazy, performed by Patsy Cline. Both would be put in straightjackets and given electroshock treatments for their efforts.
  • 1977 - A chemical is derived that kills JFK again, revives Hitler's brain again, and taste like grape juice. Black Karl Marx is born. (pictured)
  • 2005 - Gnarls Barkley releases the song Crazy. The politically correct would protest the Willie Nelson song as being "insensitive", with the same people rating the Gnarls Barkley song as a "melodramatic triumph".
  • 2007 - Everything begins to make sense now! Yay!
  • 2008 - The Pope excommunicates water; his approval rating soars to 7 people.
  • 2009 - Lethal Weapon 5 is released to the public, in which Riggs blows up random stuff in the name of God and a deceased Murtaugh rises from the grave to confirm that he is, conclusively, too old for this shit.

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Smack

January 8: National Discrimination Day

  • 450,000,000,000 BCE - "Earfh" is created, but is quickly destroyed and replaced with the current Earth as simply correcting the typo on the planning form requires two months notice. Dinosaurs die as a result.
  • 33 - Jesus begins his steady decline.
  • 41 - Roman emperor Caligula is found not to know shit from shinola and takes one for the team.
  • 732 - The Dark Ages would suffer from not being allowed to live or work with other ages.
  • 1066 - English realty agents chase off Nordic immigrants at Stamford Bridge but fail to prevent French immigrants from taking beachfront property further south.
  • 1815 - Andrew Jackson forgets that the war is over and utterly destroys the British Army. Fortunately, America forgives him and treats him as a predecessor to Rambo.
  • 1942 - Henry Ford declares his allegiance to Adolf Hitler's dictatorship, who in turn makes Ford improve customer service.
  • 1967 - Martin Luther King Jr. dies of a tragic M&M overdose.
  • 2009 - Kellogg's continues to conquer the cereal market with Smack after finally dropping the honey flavouring and just selling it straight up.
  • 2010 - The popular children's story that "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" is discovered to be false; research published in the Daily Mail shows it instead speeds up genital wart formation and werewolfism.

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Whorebucks

Don't ask me, I'm just a logo

January 9: Triple Entendre Day

  • 1559 - Michel de Nostredame correctly predicts the French king will break his nose and is forever remembered as Nostrildamus.
  • 1904 - England, France and Russia agree to the Triple Entente, intent on making the most triple entendres. After several fruitless years, they would only have the triple burger and triple-thick shakes to show for their efforts.
  • 1939 - Adolf Hitler plays "ball" with Neville Chamberlain.
  • 1982 - Tony Danza "eats" a "banana" and looks stupid in slow motion.
  • 1987 - Saddam Hussein "gasses" the Kurds, but it ends up being very painful.
  • 1996 - Andreas Karoliussen, famous Georgian actor, gets fontanellized by the young musician Kanye West.
  • 2002 - Osama bin Laden is voted "Man of the Year" by Time Magazine, after all the charity work he did in 2001 for Islamic organizations and networks.
  • 2010 - Starbucks starts a promotion with Paris Hilton to continue helping young tweens aspire to be fashion whores with no hope of breaking the glass ceiling.
  • 2011 - The term "high school" is abolished after complaints from parents suggesting that it's "too politically correct".

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Kam-mugshot

Aw, hell no...

January 10: Reefer Madness Day

  • 370 BCE - Plato almost chokes after inhaling a dandelion, then writes the dialogue Clouds.
  • 75 - John the Baptist makes an unexpected comeback and tours Europe with Buddha. John would stop at every head shop along the way.
  • 1810 - Napoleon divorces Empress Joséphine, calling her "a total fucking harpie" after she hogs the last spliff in the royal mansion.
  • 1841 - Low on firewood, ropes made from hemp are burned by Mormon pilgrims in Utah. That night, visions from heaven assail them.
  • 1863 - The London Underground is opened in England and promptly closes after a signal failure in Barking.
  • 1968 - The Velvet Underground opens for the Stones in England and promptly closes after a signal failure in Tooting.
  • 1968 - Napalm is dropped on a Vietnamese hemp field, which instigates the largest attack of the munchies known to man.
  • 1979 - Disco is pronounced dead after a tragic cocaine overdose.
  • 1991 - Kool-Aid retires the Kool-Aid Man after he is imprisoned for providing alcohol to a 14-year old girl. (pictured)
  • 2017 - California legalizes weed, with Governor Jerry Brown announcing the voting results with, "Duuuuuuuuuuude... ".

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EndIsNear

The End Is Near!

January 11: Fear of the Apocalypse Day, Guacamole/Whack-a-Mole Confusion Day

  • 3000 BCE - God vows to destroy the Earth, possibly while drunk.
  • 1834 BCE - Shamans kill a porcupine to determine if it is indeed the end of the world. Instead, with their hands full of quills, they determine it is the end of killing porcupines.
  • 50 BCE - World is still not ended yet, with most everyone waiting with bated breath. As some people don't understand exactly what that is, they fail to brush in the morning and wait with bad breath.
  • 34 - The end is near! But which end? And how near?
  • 184 - The end is near! However, it is narrowly averted when the end fails to make a left at Albuquerque and gets lost.
  • 1386 - Maybe the end is next week?
  • 1862 - Mexican forces defeat a superior force of French moles outside Guerrero. By leaving out bowls of guacamole, half the French forces are tricked into go back to their headquarters for chips. Mexican cavalry then attacked with mallets, winning many prize tickets.
  • 1967 - The Doors release the song The End but fail to trigger the Apocalypse. Most people instead up waiting for The End to end.
  • 1979 - The movie Apocalypse Now fails to kick off the end of the world.
  • 2004 - The Whack-a-Mole arcade game is introduced. Plastic moles equipped with high-intensity lasers fight back against a player armed with a mallet. It proves to be unpopular except in pizza joints where the burning smell from the game is covered up by the odor of burnt pizza.
  • 2006 - The TV series Crocodile Whisperer debuts. The show garners high ratings when the animal expert is attacked and eaten after being distracted by Steve Irwin waving hello.
  • 2019 - The end happens. Critics call it underwhelming with Rotten Tomatoes giving it a 42% rating.

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FredDino

The happy couple...

January 12: Political Correctness Throughout History Day

  • 6780 BCE - Fred Flintstone appears on the Jerry Springer special I Married My Pet.
  • 1 CE - Original Jesus is circumcised. Hilarity ensues and Godwin's Law is quickly invoked.
  • 901 - The Hungarians politely allow Vikings to attack the Carolingian Empire first as the Vikings had called dibs.
  • 1853 - Archibald Schtumpf is killed during an autoerotic experience with the newly invented hydraulic knitting machine.
  • 1863 - Abraham Lincoln frees the blacks for the first time, denies political motivation and insists "some guy" will prove his point "in a couple years".
  • 1912 - Clarence Birdseye invents the process for frozen food but will be found frozen to death, standing in front of an open freezer door while he decides what to have for dinner.
  • 1944 - German-Jewish health and beauty products Finale Solution Shower Cream and Calamity by Calvin Klein are withdrawn due to falling sales.
  • 1991 - George Bush Sr. reintroduces slavery after mishearing a joke told a a White House dinner.
  • 1994 - Clinton comes to the aid of America and kills slavery yet again, right after having a quick visit through the typing pool.
  • 2010 - Devastating earthquake in Haiti kills 310,000 people. Yeah, that happened, remember?

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Pretzels

WARNING! May cause choking in children over 40.

January 13: New Year's Eve for Julius Caesar Fans Who Insist on Using His Calender Instead of Ours

  • 1437 - German bakers afflicted with St. Vitus Dance create pretzels by flinging dough around. Unfortunately, brewers are unable to take advantage as waiters are similarly afflicted and spill all the beer. Thousands die from choking on dry pretzels.
  • 1582 - The Orthodox Church refuses to adopt the Gregorian calendar, making Christmas in July a real possibility. Hardware chain stores leave the Orthodox Church in droves, as they already had new calendars printed.
  • 1610 - Galileo Galilei discovers the fourth satellite of Jupiter and names it "Shit", unaware that "Uranus" would have been a better choice for stupid jokes by the devoted followers of Captain Obvious.
  • 1774 - Ireland is violently liberated from Apaches. After thinking about it, panicked Brits ask the Apaches to return, but it is too late as the last removal van had already left for America.
  • 1830 - A devastating fire burns large parts of New Orleans to the ground. Hurricane Katrina helps extinguish the last remaining flames 175 years later. FEMA would then spread metallic sodium to absorb floodwaters and start fires all over again.
  • 1874 - Thomas Edison patents the pneumatic kitten extruder, which gains widespread success in new Chinese markets.
  • 1932 - A street vendor sees Dali's The Persistence of Memory and tries to sell melted pocket watches on the street. That idea fails completely. However, he find the watches perfect for baking large pretzels and invents the soft pretzel. The rest is mystery.
  • 1942 - Henry Ford gets a patent for his new automobile, which runs efficiently on Jew blood and diesel.
  • 2002 - President George W. Bush faints after choking on a pretzel, which will be remembered as the defining moment of his presidency. In a completely unrelated move, President Bush signs a bill forcing all pretzel companies to post the notice "DANGER: PRETZELS MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH" on their packages in large red letters. However, the president fails to read the new packages and chokes again. Barbara Bush would then arrange to have all his food pre-chewed and put into a funnel to feed the president.

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Nuclearxmaspudding

Another Christmas lost.

January 14: Death to Christmas Day (North Korea)

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PublicTrash

January 15: Festival of the Yak (Uranium)

  • 1 million BCE - Yaks discover the Himalayas by just being there in the same place.
  • 4004 BCE - The Yak begats Adam and pulls out his rib to give birth to another yak.
  • 1787 - The Yak begats 535 people for the United States Congress. This is widely regarded as a bad move.
  • 1958 - The Coasters release Yakety Yak. It is adopted into the liturgy for the First Church of the Incredible Yak.
  • 1986 - The Yak is irritated by Soviets, destroys Chernobyl.
  • 1988- Johanna Hedberg Infamous Norwegian Big Brother winner (also famous for a line of clothes (C.U.N.T) made of skin from cucumber, fur from navy seals and toddler's nostrils) is born and digested.
  • 1992 - Yak Shaving Day replaces Festival of the Yak. This is stopped when thorough shaving reveals goats under gigantic coats of hair.
  • 1995 - UN resolution number 377536 proposes that January be renamed Yakuary. Only Belgium, Nepal and Wales actually instigate this.
  • 2001 - Wikipedia is created without yak approval.
  • 2001 - Wikipedia is extensively vandalized by yeti.
  • 2005 - 10th anniversary of Yakuary is marred when February gets really drunk, tries to hit on April, June, and Lindsay Lohan.
  • 2006 - The millionth Wikipedia article is vandalized. Nobody cares except for one small bot pretending to fix pages but actually embedding code for Hypnotoad.
  • 2009 - The Yak goes into hiatus. The world falls into a new dark age.
  • 2010 - Return of The Yak predicted, even though most retail stores do not allow returns after 30 days.
  • 2100 - The Yak returns, only to find the world destroyed by extraterrestrial cows.

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Hitlerwatermelon

Adolf Hitler doing something naughty. Probably.

January 16: Pencil Envy Day, World Bowel Movement Day

  • c.1.5 million BCE - Cave people carefully collect and trade for as many different colors of pigment as they can. After mixing up probably fifty separate colors of paint, they mix them all together to get black.
  • 1264 - For the first time in human history, a man is born twice.
  • 1356 - Some dude gets all medieval on some other dude.
  • 1922 - Eberhard Faber perfects the pencil but dies tragically the same day when stabbed by someone running with scissors.
  • 1930 - Mickey Mouse loses his license to Steamboat Willie after being caught transporting 11 illegal immigrants up the Timeless River. Walt Disney distraught.
  • 1942 - Odds are, Hitler did something bad on this date in 1942.
  • 1969 - Freddie Blassie begins his search for pencil-necked geeks. Congress doubles its security.
  • 1987 - Something performed by guys with poofy hair and makeup is the number one song in America.
  • 1990 - You suddenly realize time didn't stop, but know that time stopped.
  • 2000 - Something.com receives one million hits exactly at the same time some stoner dude takes his millionth hit.
  • 2007 - The Dark Portal opens. World of Warcraft fans shit themselves.

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Beer cans

January 17: Advance Australia Fair Day

  • Dreamtime - Aboriginal ancestors arrive in Australia, encountering all kinds of poisonous animals, not to mention plants. They try to leave but find their boats have been destroyed by bunyips looking for pirate booty.
  • c.13,500 BCE - Dingoes discover they can eat just about anyone's baby, a fact not determined by white Australians until 1986.
  • 1732 - Australian naturalists discover the hard way that platypuses have poisonous spurs.
  • 1788 - England devises transportation to Australia as punishment for minor to major crimes. Arriving prisoners could have their choice of poisonous animal for a pet or birthday lunch.
  • 1844 - Redback spiders discover the underside of a toilet seat as a good hiding place. Australians remove outhouse roofs to prevent cranial injuries when bitten.
  • 1857 - Reported vampire bush rangers roaming the outback turn out to be pairs of drop bears, one riding on the other's shoulders and covered by a poncho.
  • 1956 - Mel Gibson is born, and born batshit insane due to his mother not drinking enough alcohol during delivery.
  • 1983 - Australians weep openly as a major drought continues, forcing farmers to water their crops with beer.
  • 1993 - Victoria and New South Wales ban Easter when peeps in Easter baskets attack and kill small children. Northern Territories residents consider them to be wimps as they dress up yowies as Easter bunnies to deliver baskets.
  • 2006 - Salt-water crocodiles mourn the death of zoologist Steve Irwin as he always fed them chickens and small children. Chicken reactions are more muted.

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Kidgarb

David Beckham in traditional pose.

January 18: Wenns Day (aka Humping Day)

  • 853 - General Ackbar ruins his voice by yelling, 'It's a trap!!' too many times during the Dark Ages.
  • 1610 - God divinely inspires Sidney Trammell; Trammell doesn't notice for another two years.
  • 1321 - Every chicken in the world mysteriously circumnavigates the globe in the middle of the night, returning to the same spot where they were the previous evening.
  • 1778 - James Cook is the first known European to discover the Sandwich Islands, which are later renamed the 'Tunny Fish Sandwich Islands', then 'Tuna Sandwich with Chips Islands', 'Tuna Sandwich with Chips and a Drink (no ice) Islands', and 'Japan's Target Islands' before eventually becoming the 'Hawaiian Islands'. James Cook would go on to become a menu item himself.
  • 1952 - The first issue of Mad Magazine is thrown in the garbage by your mom.
  • 1990 - The Humpty Dance is the #1 song in America. Depressing, eh?
  • 1996 - The Spice Girls declare their hatred for the West. Angry Wurzels fans retaliate.
  • 2000 - David Beckham is transformed from human being into a brand.
  • 2002 - Filmmakers are forced to change the title of their footie movie Bent Like Beckham.
  • 2008 - Cloverfield hits theaters across America. Unfortunately for New York, the movie is based on a true story.

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Braile

Porn in Braille

January 19: Porn Day

  • 7,998,824 BCE - Monkeys evolve opposable thumbs.
  • 7,998,824 BCE - Monkeys start to "spank the monkey".
  • 3000 BCE - Egyptians invent papyrus.
  • 2999 BCE - The first pornographic papyrus is created, featuring Nefertiti. Men say they "just read it for the hieroglyphs".
  • 1450 - Gutenberg invents a printing press capable of printing centerfolds.
  • 1850 - Man invents photography.
  • 1850 - The first pornographic photos are made.
  • 1953 - The first Playboy is issued, featuring Marilyn Monroe.
  • 1953 - The world suffers from a crippling shortage of hand lotion.
  • 1970 - Presidential Commission on Obscenity and Pornography is convened to look into social effects of porn. After six straight weeks of reviewing pornographic materials, the members of the commission say they have come to no conclusions, and ask for six more months to study the issue.
  • 1971 - Man invents videos.
  • 1971 - Man invents porn videos.
  • 1971 - First porn video director becomes millionaire.
  • 1982 - DARPA, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, begins research into a network called ARPANET that will allow porn to be transmitted even in the event of a nuclear attack.
  • 1994 - Al Gore invents the world wide web which already has 122 porn sites on its first day of operation.
  • 1994 - First porn web site reaches 100 million hits. This is particularly impressive when you consider that only 5,000 people had web browsers at the time.
  • 2015 - The last male yak porn star dies and the month is renamed after his last partner.

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Too-fuckin-good

Why do I get my hopes up?

January 20: Nobody Edit Uncyclopedia Day Or Else

  • 968 - An unknown English monk at Lindisfarne creates Uncyclopedia, a parody of the Domesday Book. It turns out to be the entire reason for Viking raids on the British Isles as they attempt to destroy it, having a hatred of Benny Hill and music hall skits in general.
  • 1209 - The Cathars, the first protestants, are massacred for holding a copy of Uncyclopedia. The book is last seen in the hands of Peter II of Aragon as he fights off Catholic crusaders. His baffling last words are, 'Farmer Browne hath foure fatte sheeps'.
  • 1492 - Columbus becomes president of America; he wins 1-0.
  • 1513 - Ponce de Leon arrives in Florida and finds tantalizing clues as to the whereabouts of Uncyclopedia with a map showing an Indian pointing with the inscription, 'Pull my finger.'
  • 1712 - Abdul Alhazred the Mad is lifted up in the air in broad daylight and is seen being eaten alive by an invisible force. His last words, 'AAAAAAAAA!', prove that he had knowledge of the elusive Uncyclopedia.
  • 1937 - The 20th Amendment is passed, forcing all presidental candidates to compete in a 100-meter dash to decide the primaries. Surprisingly, Franklin D. Roosevelt is the first president to win this event.
  • 1911 - Explorer Roald Amundsen finds traces of an ancient civilization at the South Pole that has apparently been recently destroyed over two fragmentary pages of Polish jokes from Uncyclopedia.
  • 1942 - The Nazi Party gives the final solution to the "Jewish question", though the Jews insist that they were just asking for directions.
  • 1990 - Dan Brown writes a thriller-type novel of the hunt for the legendary Uncyclopedia and is pursued by mysterious agents of unknown forces and is threatened with death for revealing its secrets. Despite that, the novel is sent to the publisher's slush pile and is never seen again.
  • 1992 - Governor Bill Clinton beats Paul Tsongas in the primaries. Investigations as to whether or not Clinton bit part of Tsongas's ear off in the final stretch are launched.
  • 2004 - Pinky and the Brain finally take over the world, and are then killed by Joe Cartoon in a blender.
  • 2005 - The near-mythic Uncyclopedia is released to the world in electronic form as part of the WikiLeaks program. However, jokes like 'Farmer Browne hath foure fatte sheeps' fail to make an impact. The Illuminati and the Mysterions start over again from scratch after taking the day off.
  • 2008 - No-one has edited Uncyclopedia! Until I just did. Oh shit.
  • 2009 - International Change Day. Citizens of the 'homeless undead'-ridden Californian cities get a day of reprieve from demands for change as the masses of change-hungry 'Zombos' are distracted by a change of power in Washington.
  • 2010 - Some n00b edits Uncyclopedia.

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Sanchez

Coffee Enema

January 21: National Dirty Sanchez Your Dad's Coffee Day, Day of Tribulation

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Jenna

January 22: National Cover-Up Day (USA)

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Bridge in fog 02

January 23: Trail Off in the Middle of Your Sente...

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ASCII Snoopy

January 24: Plain Text Day

  • 0 - The first plain text message was decoded.
  • 41 - Caligula killed for textstalking people on his Boost Mobile.
  • 833 - Monks produce beautiful illuminated manuscripts in painstaking detail. (pictured)
  • 1337 - Not celebrated this year because everything was done in Leet text.
  • 1338 - =|> ASCII art kills itself <|=
  • 1563 - John Pepys records his shorthand diary.
  • 1838 - Samuel Morse demonstrates the first plain text telegraph browser.
  • 1878 - The first typewriter is invented, powered by Intel Core i16, having 160 GB of RAM and 600 TB SSD storage.
  • 1879 - The WWW is invented for the said typewriter.
  • 1880 - World of Warcraft, a text based MMORPG becomes the most played online game on the typewriter.
  • 1838 - Courier New pwns Times Roman.
  • 1995 - The OJ Simpson jury delivers a verdict in plain text.
  • 2006 - Snakes on a Plain Text Day.
  • 2007 - I fucking hate plain bagels!
  • 2008 - Slavo-Indo-Chinese Buddhist mujahadeen take over the entire Eastern Hemisphere and wage continental wars against the peoples of Antarctica.
  • 2012 - The final half of the Bible is proven to be written in plain text. It clearly shows, through the application of logic, that God was in fact a three-headed football.

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Seacrest-out

BOI-OI-OIIIING!!!

January 25: Januarymas - Happy Januarymas everyone!, Winter-een-mas begins

  • 722 BC - The Roman goddess Juno takes the month of January away from the godlet Janus for being two-faced.
  • 959 - Due to constant raids by Vikings, scribes don't get a chance to start creating illuminated Christmas cards until August, so none are available to send until after Christmas. A further delay is caused by Royal Mail workers going on strike until late January, leading to the sarcastic 'Happy Januarymas' greeting by noblemen receiving delayed mail, followed by a volley of arrows.
  • 1572 - The longest icicle ever recorded in history is found hanging from Tsar Ivan the Terrible's nose. Nobody feels tsary about it.
  • 1759 - Robert Burns decides to celebrate Januarymas. Thousands of Scotch get drunk off product of same name.
  • 1810 - Groundhogs begin winding up their careful calculations for next month's weather predictions. After 1927, they would just wing it.
  • 1990 - A magic leprechaun starts accumulating knowledge.
  • 1992 - Steve Ballmer begins his wrath upon all.
  • 2005 - Carson Daly beats the crap out of Dick Clark in the middle of Times Square. ABC, frantic, quickly replaces Clark with noted gaydar Ryan Seacrest (pictured), and Ryan Seacrest Presents Dick Clark's January's Rockin' Mas is a modest hit with target audiences. No word on Brian Dunkleman, though.
  • 2008 - Ryan Seacrest finally comes out of his closet after 2 years of looking for that stylish Versace waistcoat.
  • 2101 - "For græt justice!" becomes a catch phrase.
  • 2103 - It is discovered that Heath Ledger faked his death and went to live with Elvis Presley; he dies for real today, or so it is hoped.

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Zeus

January 26: National Hail Zeus Day (Ancient Greece)

  • Beginning of Time - Zeus is begat by Chronos and Chaos. You really don't want to know the details.
  • 3457 BCE - Zeus gets it on with his wife/sister, Hera. He has Orpheus invent the banjo to provide some mood music for their wedding night. Unfortunately, the song he creates for that special occasion is later used in the film Deliverance.
  • 353 - Christianity takes a whack at Zeus. Cthulhu bides his time.
  • 700 - Zeus commands the French to worship him. When they refuse, he curses them with garlic and an irrational fear of washing.
  • 1879 - Zeus smites the prototype caboose to avert unflattering poetry. Unfortunately, it is reinvented three days later.
  • 1901 - The popular phrase "I dont give a fuck" is used for the first time by John Keats when he finds out that the toothpaste he was using is actually his shaving cream.
  • 1947 - Zeus withdraws his sponsorship of Captain Marvel and Achilles follows suit. The superhero then signs up Poseidon and Orion. With Billy Batson prohibited from shouting "SHAZAM!" (Solomon, Hercules, Atlas, Zeus, Achilles, Mercury), he now yells "SHAMPOO!" to transform into Captain Marvel, leading to mockery by his evil opponents and his younger brother.
  • 1959 - Under the pen name Dr. Zeuss, Zeus begins to write children's literature. His first book is "Hop on MILF", in which a Greek god transforms into various animals in order to make out with human women.
  • 1974 - Zeus curses John Boorman for using his wedding-night song in Deliverance. When Boorman's next film, Zardoz, flops, Zeus simply laughs.
  • 2002 - Zeus decides he doesn't like George W. Bush and decides to strike him down, but can't find any lightning bolts. Instead he sends him a cursed pretzel.

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American-crocodile-emerging-water

January 27: International Bring Your Exotic Pet or Exotic Dancer to Work Day

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Elemouse3

January 28: World I Am the Voice of the Mysterions Day, Hi, I'm Ed Winchester Day (Austin, Texas only)

  • 1800 BCE - Brits invent the word 'reaulycing' from their caves. America is criticised for improving it and accused of warmongering.
  • 841 BCE - The gods of table tennis take on the the gods of cheesy snacks for domination of the universe and the right to lead bunnies in their quest for world domination.
  • 978 - Birds suddenly decide to migrate from east to west. Pigeon haters are delighted.
  • 1591 - Queen Elizabeth I's personal confessor Abbot Costello is confused by cricket, shouting, 'Who's on first?'.
  • 1873 - After writing the novels Little Women and Little Men, Louisa May Alcott writes The Incredible Shrinking Man and Ant Man Comics. no. 1, neither of which would be released until after her death.
  • 1932 - Without warning, the Voice of the Mysterions is heard on every radio channel in every country of the world. The voice is interrupted by the Voice of the Mysterians and a garbled argument ensues. This would later lead to radio talk shows using a seven-second delay.
  • 1975 - Happy Days Is Filmed in Front of a Live Studio Audience – did you know that? I didnt know that!
  • 1982 - Happy Days spinoff Joani Loves Chachi is filmed in front of a zombie audience with laugh track tape players in their laps to accommodate its shooting schedule.
  • 1996 - Slap bracelets are re-introduced into the world and you become cool for just one moment longer.
  • 2003 - The US military is censured for human rights violations for showing Pauly Shore and Adam Sandler movies to prisoners held at Abu Ghraib prison.
  • 2005 - As prophesied, Uncyclopedia reaches its 33rd article, triggering the end of the world.
  • 2008 - People get fed up after realising that January 28th is changed to 'International Realising Day'.
  • 2009 - Dr. Mario is executed after being convicted of misleading pharmacists on how to put pills in bottles.
  • 2013 - Scary Movie V is condemned as the work of the Devil. An insulted Satan denies even being remotely connected to the so-called movie and retaliates the next year by bringing out Divergent, Yet Another Godzilla Movie and The Expendables 3.

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Pinkfloydthebarber

January 29: Echo Day Day

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Vaderguild color

That's no moon...

January 30: Well Worn Cliché Day

  • A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away.... - The evil armies attack, and only a hero can save the light side.
  • Once upon a time - A young girl, living in poverty, meets Prince Charming and they live happily ever after. That is, until their castle is sold to the Disney Group and they are forced to pose for pictures with sweaty, smelly commoner tourists.
  • 50 BCE - Nero plays the violin while Rome burns. Orange Blossom Special is a popular request.
  • 69- Two people have sex in a kinky position.
  • 1110 - Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before. Even though all your exes took your car and all your money each time.
  • 1111 - Besides, there's plenty more fish in the sea, who, when finding out you just won the lottery, take all your money and run Venezuela.
  • 1268 - A battle of epic proportions occurs. The bad guys lose and the half-good guys win. Our heroes from the future find themselves trapped in this age of rape and plundering, and just as they are to be executed for public fornication, the funky professor back in the future figures out a way to save them, and bring them back.
  • 1859 - Abraham Lincoln fights his evil twin.
  • 1939 The bad guys are a bunch of Nazis. Wow, that's really original.
  • 1945 - President Truman considers bombing Japan with the A-bomb. "It's crazy", he says, "but just crazy enough to work."
  • 1960 - The first American movie is released involving guns, aliens, tits, love-triangles, dinosaurs, Mars, and a young misfit whose strange talent is needed to save the world.
  • 1979 - The Japanese release their first movie, game, book, and porno where key characters die for shock value. The survival rate of Japanese characters lowers to 10%.
  • 2003 - America liberates Iraqistan to bring freedom to the Arabs. The liberal media rejects patriotism.
  • 2006 - The anniversary list once again becomes a chat room.
  • 2007 - You wake up, and it was all a dream.
  • 2010 - Aliens invade, but they have a hidden weakness which is discovered just in time. Hint: s'mores and enemas.
  • 2011 - Aliens invade again, different aliens. We shoot the mother ship with a one-in-a-million chance of it hitting. It hits.
  • 2017 - A rag-tag misfit with his own set of rules is persuaded to help the police track down the kitten ripper bandit in order to buy his own freedom. Seventeen sequels follow.
  • 2242 - Uruguay changes its name to UrJustinBeiberTwilightfagharrypotterbananasplitlover.
  • 2407 - Super Mario makes an apperance in his 1,309th video game entitled Mario Saves the Princess, AGAIN. It never gets old, does it?
  • 9000 - Vegeta finally gets the meme about his catchphrase.

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Ctfo

Delicious!

January 31: National Ice Cream Day

  • 201 - Ice cream is invented in Rome, but it quickly melts due to the lack of refrigerators. Everyone is forced to slurp it. Citizens Baskini and Robbinus work to solve the problem by making offerings to the snowcone god.
  • 1551 - French explorers with sensitive teeth die exploring Northern Africa after keeling over in pain from eating ice cream, leaving themselves open to attack by savage tribesmen who quickly behead them.
  • 1819 - Heinrich Maanschweisener creates a means to produce dots from ice cream; he is defenestrated later that year on the orders of Baron Rottweil von Friendly of the restaurant chain, who fears for his monopoly on frozen treats.
  • 1928 - Stalin re-invents ice cream and names it Stalin Cream. USSR rejoices but the American scum lose their underwear.
  • 1931 - The first ice cream stand is opened in Siberia and proves to be popular with polar bears who drop by to eat the employees.
  • 1949 - Bluebell ice cream gains its first customer and first fatality, continuing this tradition for many years.
  • 1960 - Vespugian president Manuel del Caracos, on a tour of America, drowns when he falls into a flash-freezer at the Pittsburgh Dippin' Dots factory.
  • 1979 - Ben and Jerry's "Popped Cherry" ice cream is a hit.
  • 1980 - Alexei Kalashnikov, proprietor of a meager Baskin Robbins parlor in Stalingrad, defects to the West and takes the secret recipe for Dippin' Dots with him.
  • 1981 - Brain freeze becomes a popular inherited and permanent condition with US presidents.
  • 1982 - Cookie Puss is arrested for stalking the Beastie Boys.
  • 1991 - Dunkin' Donuts loses a hedge-trimming contest to Dairy Queen.
  • 2007 - Coaticook brand ice cream hits shelves in Quebec, with catheter flavor proving to be popular.
  • 2009 - After a cat infestation in their factory, Ben & Jerry's introduces "Cat Pan Crunch" flavor.
  • 2085 - Dippin' Dots production headquarters are obliterated by an Iranian superweapon; Friendly's rejoices.

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