February 3: Go Fuck a Groundhog Day

  • c.1200 BCE - Groundhogs are worshipped by the Mayans, whereas they are just your chubby little run-of-the-mill pyramid-building rodents from outer space with godlike powers.
  • 532 BCE - Groundhogs take in laundry to make ends meet, beginning their own Iron Age.
  • 235 - The Moon is invented by rogue cave dwelling ducks from South Africa.
  • 947 - Doughnut-worshipping groundhogs change their name to woodchucks to avoid religious persecution.
  • 1194 - Saladin I gets it on with Pandhragati Phil, a local groundhog, causing it to snow in Arabia.
  • 1806 - The chickens come home to Roost. Residents of Roost get tired of eating eggs very quickly.
  • 1903 - Inspired by hearing a story about how Theodore Roosevelt refuses to shoot a bear on the grounds that it was injured and elderly, and besides, "it's no fun if they can't run fast enough to almost make it before I blow their brains out", Morris Michtom and his wife Rose introduce the first teddy bear in America. It would later attempt to assassinate Roosevelt.
  • 1942 - Singapore falls. Denmark trips, but says he's all right and gets up again.
  • 1992 - Prefix "e-" is invented. Kitten death rate triples.
  • 1995 - Bill Murray repeats himself while learning about Uber and Lyft drivers.
  • 1996 - Bill Murray humps Andie MacDowell again.
  • 2012 - SOPA passes, internet ends.