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February 14: International Suck Day

  • 32 CE - Jesus Christ contracts bad case of crabs from Mary Magdalene.
  • 35 CE - New cure for crabs invented that does not involve crucifixion.
  • 269 - St Valentinus is castrated, horsewhipped and disembowelled. 1500 years later, this day is celebrated through romance.
  • 1307 - William Tell uses cow hearts for targets and gives them with an arrow through each to various women in Gstaad, Switzerland. They flee in terror and he takes their chocolate.
  • 1852 - Ash Ketchum says "I choo choo choose you" to Nurse Joy shortly before his death by being hit by a train.
  • 1994 - Canada successfully builds a space shuttle capable of flying back to Earth.
  • 2003 - One of the people who is woefully alone proposes an alternative holiday, entitled Go Out With a Loser Who Has Never Had a Date Day. However, no girl will still talk to him.
  • 2004 - Not willing to give up, the guy who made the holiday in 2003 decides to make Trek-mance Connection. Now, even nerdy girls still won't talk to him.
  • 2005 - Lonely guy starts an Emo band. Bandmates ask him not to name the band. Girls still won't talk to him.
  • 2009 - St. Valentinus is reborn and executed for the second time for molesting small farm animals.
  • 2010 - St. Valentinus is reincarnated as a charismatic frog and gets away with years of outrageous self-abuse.