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December 1: Sherlock Holmes Day, International December 1st Day (not Scotland)

  • 0 - 00:01: The DFS sofa sale starts.
  • 1 CE - Advent invented. Advocates of the Year 0 riot in confusion.
  • 3 CE - Chocolate advent calendars are invented as the ones with cobras behind the doors prove to be unpopular.
  • 1531 - First slave ship carrying White people crashes off the coast of Mali.
  • 1887 - Sherlock Holmes appears for the first time, in a dazzling sheer white silk taffeta evening gown, creating an instant sensation throughout the Victorian world.
  • 1889 - Holmes appears again, this time in a pink lace teddy, during a "pre-release" trade-show demonstration of the latest features of Windows Vista.
  • 1897 - Holmes disappears over Switzerland's Reichenbach Falls, only to reappear three years later on the northern shoals of Lake Lugano as a giant squid.
  • 1935 - First known accusation of pedophilia made against Woody Allen when he is caught staring at hot Asian infant in next crib.
  • 1981 - Britney Spears is conceived. "JUST LEAVE HER ALONE!!!!" says the only person on Earth who will not exploit her or allow her to exploit them. Ironically, that person would be run over and killed by a 3-year-old Spears in her Barbie car.
  • 1988 - Geddy Lee eats breakfast. Canadian fans are shocked and dismayed that it doesn't happen at a Tim Horton's.
  • 1993 - Sonic the Hedgehog is run over by Jimi Hendrix on a floating motorcycle of jealousy.
  • 1995 - School of the year survey results are stolen. Sherlock Holmes investigates. His response: "Elementary, my dear Watson."
  • 2000 - United States of America replaced with exact replica. No one notices, except for the rest of the world.
  • 2001 - The Sherlock Holmes cartoon sweeps the nation of United Kingdom. Hundreds die when bad dubbing and flashing-far-from-this-future lights causes people to bleed from their ears.
  • 2001 - Chester Bennington of Linkin Park claims that this is "his December" in the album Hybrid Theory.
  • 2006 - Satan returns to Earth and gets mugged in Compton, Miami Beach, Baltimore and Philadelphia. He then visits Edinburgh, Scotland and gets into real trouble.

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December 2: International Boring Nordic Culture Heritage Day

  • 6000 BCE - Mankind is born from the toil of an ice giant melting into the ocean. At least that's what Viking creationists say.
  • 432 - Thor gets arrested in Valhalla after being accused of destroying an orphanage while drunk chariot driving. Embarrassed, the Nordic people begin converting to Christianity.
  • 793 - Vikings visit Lindisfarne Abbey in northern England, bringing home a suspicious amount of souvenirs.
  • 900 - Erik the Red, a Viking explorer and real estate agent, discovers a big block of ice, utterly unsuitable for human life. He gives it the name "Greenland" to attract customers.
  • 957 - A third of Denmark's population dies, victims of the mysterious "axe in the head" plague.
  • 966 - Vikings reach Constantinople, bringing home alabaster chess sets and cheap carpets as souvenirs.
  • 1000 - Explorer and murderer Leif Erikson discovers America, but realizes his mistake in time and lets Columbus and Vespucci have all the blame.
  • 1429 - Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, decides not to be, and disappears immediately.
  • 1755 - Danish pastries are first introduced to non-Danes, this time without the axe in the head followup.
  • 1859 - Hans Christian Andersen writes The Emperor Is a Nudist, a beloved fairy tale. Andersen would leave unfinished the sequel The Empire Strikes Back.
  • 1916 - Europe is at war. Swedes have an excellent game of bridge.
  • 1940 - Europe is at war again. Swedes read a lot of good books.
  • 2010 - Bruce Willis is declared legally bald.

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Tacoma Narrows Bridge

December 3: World Structural Engineering Day

  • 2542 BCE - Egyptian Pharaoh Khufu commands that a round tower be built as his tomb. Engineers and the constructors build a giant pyramidal structure instead following earlier practices. After a facepalm, Khufu requests the engineers and construction managers to inspect the structure's interior, then seals them all inside. He then buys a plot at Forest Lawn, where he rests today.
  • 422 BCE - Ancient Greece develops the concept of ethics. This would be ignored by structural engineers and most people throughout history.
  • 24 CE - Jesus becomes a carpenter but many of his projects would be denied licenses without approval by structural engineers. Luckily, the cross He will be crucified on is fast-tracked by Roman engineers.
  • 901 - Vikings remove the horns from their helmets due to attacks by amorous bulls and nearsighted toreadors.
  • 1173 - The foundation is laid for the Tower of Pisa; and the building almost immediately begins to tilt. Historians investigating the cause found original plans which had the name of the architect and the construction company cut out. They suspect the Mafia to be responsible as that group controls not only construction companies but picture postcard sales of the tower as well as every image of it on Getty or Shutterstock.
  • 1923 - Bumblebees are forced to walk everywhere as calculations show they should not be able to fly.
  • 1940 - Engineers fresh from building thrill rides at Coney Island and Palisades Park supervise the completion of their design of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge. They decide to spice up the trip for commuters, exceeding their best efforts at the aforementioned amusement parks. (pictured) The U.S. government would later enlist the engineers in the war effort by having them volunteer for tank and aircraft construction in Germany and Japan.
  • 1967 - To the relief of Tokyoites, Godzilla just comes as far as Zushi Beach to enjoy a sunny day. He builds an immense sandcastle, plays in the surf, then returns to the ocean at sunset. Later, winds would blow the sand into Tokyo, destroying it.
  • 1989 - The Stone Roses band writes a song that says they "want to be a door".
  • 2013 - The 2.2 mile (3.5 km) eastern section of the San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge is completed with a cost overrun of only US$6.25 billion. With all of its subsequent problems, the bridge section has now been slightly downgraded to allow 35 cars an hour in each direction, and will stand up to winds of up to 10 mph (16 kph) and earthquakes of 3 on the extended wimp scale. Engineers assure that it will withstand an asteroid impact on Jupiter. Resistance to kaiju attack has not been addressed.

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December 4: Crow and Raven Revenge Day, Take a Crap Day the one day women poop; it smells like roses

  • c.125,000 BCE - Tool-using crows are seen by early humans and copied. Initially amused, crows are aghast when humans eat whole cow pies instead of probing them for grubs and bugs.
  • 1999 BCE - l337 5p3ak 15 kr34t3d.
  • 30 CE - Und Jeebus sayd undo da poepple, 'Whoom doo yoo tink eye am?', und da poepple repped, 'You are the exhiological replication of our being, the vast immiturication of a higher homosapianism, the essence of zoology.', und Jeebuz sez, 'Eh?'
  • 1596 - The flushing toilet is invented by John Harington. Charles Outhouse threatens suit.
  • 1597 - Crows and ravens learn to flush toilets after using them but refuse to replace toilet paper rolls.
  • 1680 - Ravens settle into the Tower of London by building their nests inside Beefeater's heads. Londoners think, 'That's so raven.'
  • 1874 - Thomas Crapper invents an improved flush toilet, though historians credit the building of sewers underneath flush toilets to be the better improvement.
  • 1898 - Crows finally get a measure of revenge on humanity by creating "Old Crow" brand rotgut bourbon.
  • 1973 - Crows and ravens start to circle around Richard Nixon during his personal appearances.
  • 1993 - Frank Zappa's reported death occurs. He reaches a higher plane and is reincarnated as a raven.
  • 2010 - Rick James comes back to life, grabs 100 kilos of cocaine, then vanishes.

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December 5: Day of Unusual Spam, International Tapeworm Awareness Day (TWAD)

  • In the Beginning - God created the universe at a 25% deal.
  • 666 - Shiva tells the people of India that they will die if they do not enlarge their manhood and reproduce, thus becoming one of the largest populations. Vishnu and Brahma get a cheap thrill out of watching the sex.
  • 785 - King Arthur's vision of the Holy Grail is accompanied by the words "Grail! This can be yours FREE!"
  • 999 - Amid predictions of the Apocalypse, European peasants receive anonymous notes offering "hot deals on ultra-sexy self-flagellation gear."
  • 1791 - Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart chokes on his dentures during a live performance. Antonio Salieri frantically tries to dislodge them from Mozart's throat using his clarinet but only succeeds in driving them in further. Mozart dies as a result. "I feel awful" Salieri is quoted as saying.
  • 1793 - Joseph Marie Jacquard is taught weaving by a super-intelligent tapeworm named Steve.
  • 1939 - Adolf Hitler's letter to Neville Chamberlain is headed, "PEACE NOW!! 25% off!!"
  • 1983 - Andre the Giant beats The Green Giant, and wins a lifetime supply of Spam.
  • 1984 - Feed The Welsh, Elasto-Pops charity single, is released.
  • 1987 - Oh crap, I have a math test today...
  • 1994 - Beans are ratified by the US Congress as both a magical fruit and as something that grows large beanstalks.
  • 2003 - Bush declares war on spam after receiving excessive unbiblical porn in his inbox.
  • 2005 - Websites everywhere become littered with "Get Firefox" buttons.
  • 2006 - Do you know everything has subliminal messages? EAT POPCORN!

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December 6: International Day of the Jackal, Take Your Pants Off for Cancer Day (Utah, observed), Indifference Day (Finland)

  • 863 - Jackals start having trouble with their night vision and build the first jackal lanterns.
  • 1865 - The USA ends slavery; it immediately outsources slave labor to China at $0.06/hr and Mexico at a variable rate.
  • 1901 - Chicago woman gives birth to Walt Disney, who immediately sues her for copyright infringement.
  • 1910 - The puzzle potato is nearly shoplifted by Winona Ryder from Lester B. Pearson's flaxen wool-works store. The event will be made into hit a movie starring Gary Coleman as Winona Ryder.
  • 1962 - An assassin only known as "The Jackal" shoots Charles de Gaulle, with the bullet passing harmlessly through the latter's head.
  • 1967 - The word "pwned" finally reaches its expiration date, according to the recently-unearthed original packaging. Despite that, nobody stops using the word.
  • 1969 - Neil Armstrong becomes the first man to play Calvinball on the Moon, outsmarting opponent and fellow astronaut Buzz Aldrin by chanting an immunity poem (see: One Small Step) and planting his flag, automatically earning himself 144 Elephant gnuts and claiming the rank of "Duke of Ham Sandwich". Some debate the legality of this play, questioning whether Armstrong was wearing his black mask under his space helmet, but Armstrong has silenced most of their criticisms through clever use of "Jinx!"
  • 1975 - William Herbert explains Reimann symmetry in a quasi-formatic manifold to sea lions at a Dutch park.
  • 1979 - The United Kingdom realizes Donkey Kong as a threat.
  • 1982 - A law is passed in Botswana that not only legalizes but encourages the use of the bong.
  • 1984 - A Botswanian man mixes a dangerous cocktail of toxic waste, Windex, triple-ply toilet paper and leprechaun s'mores in his bong. The resulting smokes endow the man with the power to light his middle finger ablaze when using it for insult. In response, local Botswanians are quoted as saying, "Hmm."
  • 2310 - Sea lions begin developing science labs to discuss the great science god, William Herbert.

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Who is Spartacus

December 7: Official Who the Hell Is Spartacus Day

  • Little did they know that I'm Spartacus.
  • No, I'm Spartacus!
  • I'm Spartacus!
  • No, I am!
  • Hence the search...
  • 72 BCE - People stop naming their children Spartacus as they don't want them hanging around the sides of roads.
  • 878 - The magnifying glass is perfected. Thousands of ants would die before anything really useful would be done with it.
  • 1209 - The Albigensian Crusade begins as Pope Innocent III tries to find both Spartacus and some ready cash and property.
  • 1500 - The search for Spartacus continues. Columbus is imprisoned for failing to find him.
  • 1936 - Buddy Holly is born in Texas; this is also known as "The Day That Will Live in Infancy".
  • 1982 - Mr T (not pictured) claims in his autobiography Pity the Fool that he was Spartacus. Historians refute this claim.
  • 1987 - "Where's Wally?" (in North America, "Where's Waldo?") turns out to be a thinly disguised attempt to find Spartacus. Carmen Sandiego comes under suspicion as well.
  • 1995 - The band Sparklehorse is founded by the long-lost descendant of Spartacus.
  • 2005 - Uncyclopedia becomes littered with Spartacus jokes written by Oscar Wilde and Chuck Norris.
  • 2017 - US President Donald Trump imprisons all Jews in order to make them reveal the location of Spartacus, with predictable results as he never watched the movie.

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December 8: Llamas Against China Day, The Death of Metal

  • 1000 BCE - A little Chinese prince is holidaying in Tibet. Whilst he was innocently trying to feed a local llama some grain, it viciously bites him. And so begins countless millennia of conflict.
  • 684 - Tibeta llamas eat all the grass so that when the Mongolians try to invade there is nothing for their horses to eat. This is the first example of scorched earth tactics.
  • 751 - Chinese invade Tibet again. The Chinese strike a deal with the llamas – they will have a singing competition and whoever wins gets sovereignty over Tibet. This is the first instance of the Llama Song. Thousands of Chinese soldiers get nasty nips from vicious llamas in the victory celebrations.
  • 1231 - The Dalai Llama seduces the Chinese king, but after they'd been going steady for a couple of months the Llama cheats on him with Kublai Khan. The Chinese king calls the llama a slut and finds a less attractive rebound girlfriend and cries himself to sleep for a month.
  • 1567 - The Dalai Llama tells all the other Central Asian leaders that the Chinese king is gay. This does not have the negative connotations that it does in the West so the Dalai Llama also said the king had sex with young boys.
  • 1789 - Llama blah blah blah Tibet blah China. Blah blah blah China blah llama. Llama breaks China's grandmother's hip and takes the last bit of cheesecake.
  • 1850 - Llama tells Hong Xiuquan that if he's sick of the buses running late he should start a revolution. So begins the Taiping Rebellion.
  • 1911 - Llama tells Sun Yat-sen and Yuan Shikai that the Chinese emperor said that their mothers were terrible cooks.
  • 1931 - Llama mentions to Emperor Hirohito that China is pretty shit and that he might as well go in and take over. Then he whispered quietly in the Emperor's ear that if any Japanese are looking for easy women, Nanking is the place.
  • 1950 - The PRC takes over Tibet, suffering many painful llama bites.
  • 1980 - Mark David Chapman, aided by a llama, kills John Lennon.
  • 2001 - In a secret coup d'etat the Llamas topple the Illuminati, the Skull and Bones Club and the Jews and assume de facto secret leadership of the world. And when China least expects it... POW!!! Right in the kisser with a big llama bite.
  • 2003- Llamas take over Wikipedia and use it to take over the world.
  • 2005- Jeff from accounting nails your wife in the parking lot at the company Christmas party. A llama gets sloppy seconds.

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Captain Planet (early design)

December 9: Captain Planet Memorial Day, Corporate Web 2.0 Takeover Day

  • 2303 BCE - Hallmark announces December 25 as International Day of Christmas.
  • 6 BCE - 6 CE - Jesus is born. (Nobody knows exactly when though Christmas Zero is a huge success. Boxing Day sales start early. Astrologers around the world rejoice.
  • 1337 - Time for a plagiarized, boring, cliched, 1337 reference! L0L!!1!ONE@.
  • 1946 - The Doctor's trial for crimes committed during episodes of Doctor Who, begins at the BBC.
  • 1958 - The John Birch Society is founded to fight the perceived threat of certain types of trees.
  • 1960 - Coronation Street makes an unwanted appearance on British television for the first time.
  • 1967 - Canada invades Greenland, prompting what most historians regard as the most boring war in the history of mankind.
  • 1976 - The CIA fabricates much of the Western United States from Balsa wood and duct tape.
  • 1982 - December 8 outstays its welcome.
  • 1984 - Miracle happens; six people amazed.
  • 1990 - Lieutenant Planet promoted to Captain. Cartoon capers ensue.
  • 2000 - Miracle fails to happen; thousands amazed.
  • 2005 - Yahoo! acquires; thousands amazed.
  • 2006 - Google acquires Uncyclopedia in retaliation. Nobody cares.
  • 2078 - With the use of the Large Hadron Collider, Man successfully divides by zero, resulting in a rip in the Space Time Continuum, thus ending the world. God is said to be pissed.

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December 10: Nobel Prize Awards Ceremony Day

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Anime boom

December 11: - Asian Boom Day

  • 1229 - Pope Gregory IX deletes thirty-one days from the Gregorian calendar, during a Florentine siege of Rome that had prevented toiletries from entering the city.
  • 1841 - Oscar Wilde is imprisoned for practicing heterosexuality in England without a Royal permit, a capital offense.
  • 1941 - Germany and Italy celebrate for the first and last time "Let's Go To War With Russia Day."
  • 1941 - Mao Zedong suggests to rename "Chinese demographic boom" to "Yellow Bang". Due to unpopularity of this idea among his generals, all of them were executed.
  • 1953 - Trans-dimensional squirrels attempt a coup on the Kremlin but are driven back after the Soviets break wind in unison, creating a tear in the fabric of the universe into which the invaders are obliterated, nuts and all.
  • 1983 - A passenger airlines goes Boom over the South China Sea. Only the pilots and hostesses survive after they are seen moments before the explosion floating in a rubber dingy thousands of meters below. Thank you for flying AirChina.
  • 2005 - The face of Jesus is seen in a pizza. however, this is found after Jesus' collision with the delivery guy, who is now going to Hell.
  • 2009 - All forms of international combat are banned by the UN. From this point on, international disputes are decided by caged death matches between the leaders of conflicting nations.
  • 2009 - The annual "Try Communism Day" is celebrated by the people of Lancashire
  • 2010 - Lancashire appoints Ted Dansen as Director of the Communist Party and Minority Relations Chairman.
  • 2011 - President Ted Stevens brutally beats Hu Jintao to death with a series of tubes in a cage match, completing his domination and conquest of every country on Earth. The ban of weaponry two years earlier is regarded as "a mistake" by most UN officials not already killed by Ted Stevens.

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Unfunny Joke

December 12: Unfunny Joke Day (US), Wooly Animal Molestation Day (Wales)

  • 1594 - Pickle loaf first made with dill dough.
  • 1806 - Napoleon keeps his armies up his sleevies – a French word for chocolates.
  • 1862 - Three baby seals walk into a club.
  • 1900 - A minister, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar, not learning the lesson of baby seals 38 years before.
  • 1929 - As a year, is really long and hard. That's what she said.
  • 1933 - Hitler ties his shoes with little Nazis.
  • 1945 - Joshua Ben Cohen discovers that finding half a worm in an apple is actually preferable to being a prisoner in Auschwitz.
  • 1957 - Farmer Frank Peters in Kentuckistan leaves his gate open long enough for one of his chickens to cross the road.
  • 1964 - Researchers for the American Horror Book Readers Organization discover that many "ghost writers" are employed to write tales that involve ghosts. There is much laughter all round at the irony of this fact.
  • 1965 - A boy takes a ruler with him to bed to see how long he slept. When he awakes, Leonid Breznev, the General secretary of the Soviet Communist Party, hits his stopwatch and informs him that he slept for 9 hours and 35 minutes. He also tells the boy that there are easier ways of finding out these facts and to please not call him again.
  • 1966 - Not learning his lesson, the boy takes a saddle to bed, in case he has nightmares. He is sent to a gulag.
  • 1984 - A baker robs a bank because he needs the dough, which he was able to steal from the lunch room which had its own bread maker, owned by a number of staff members who loved to eat fresh bread at lunch time.
  • 1986 - So this guy comes into a bar, AW CRAP, sorry I said that wrong, it was suppose to be a donkey. So this guy comes into a donkey...
  • 1987 - 3 men walk into a bar, one of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole joke plays out with a tedious inevitability.
  • 2002 - I hold a bukkake party, but nobody comes.
  • 2003 - A man has the left side of his body amputated. He's alright now.
  • 2005 - Uncyclopedia is created by marmosets on LSD.

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Badger 04

December 13: Speak with a British Accent Day (UK)

  • 10000 BCE - Ug Nug Fug Nug is born, the famous musician responsible for the creation of the violin and other various sexually orientated musical instruments (i.e., the sexualin).
  • 211 - Roman Emperor Septimius Severus dies at York from eating spotted dick, unaware that it needed to be taken out of the can first.
  • 1067 - William the Conqueror invades the previously uninvaded British Aisles.
  • 1732 - The Royal Opera House opens at Covent Garden, London. Screaming bitches are heard from miles around which causes widespread riots.
  • 1776 - Britain and its American colonies schedule a war over the word 'aluminium' even though neither has ever seen it.
  • 1808 - Count Henrich von Flammenweffer invents lava as a way of preventing skiers from taking over his favourite mountains in the winter.
  • 1852 - Elisha Otis invents the elevator in America and orders pour in from the UK. As people with posh accents there cannot pronounce 'elevator', they call it a 'wift' instead.
  • 1939 - Adolf Hitler invents oral sex and asks his enemies to blow him.
  • 1940 - The French blow Adolf Hitler.
  • 1942 - No people born on December the 13th, due to National No-Birthdays Day. Experts attribute this phenomenon as having to do with a worldwide feeling of 'I don't feel like getting any ass today' in mid March.
  • 1992 - Bob like pie.
  • 2002 - Fraidai the 13th, Satan renamed Hell to "Bloody Hell"
  • 2003 - Former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein found hiding in a camel hole during Operation Bomb-The-Towel-Headed-Sand-Brigand, and captured.
  • 2003 - SARS becomes the new iPod.
  • 2005 - On the twelfth day of Christmas, My true love gave to me, A summons from the local JP...
  • 2008 - Uncyclopedia is teleported into an alternate universe where this sentence did not exist. It will be returned to normal just now.
  • 2012 - Dyslexic people celebrate that the world didn't end with the Mayan calendar yesterday. Everyone else is still nervous.

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Cliche ball

December 14: World Cliché Day

  • Long Long Ago - Some French guy misplaces his patent for creating the English language.
  • 1735 - Pie is discovered before π.
  • 1830 - It is a dark and stormy night.
  • 1911 - Welsh explorer Roald Dahl and his team become the first people to reach the Giant Peach.
  • 1929 - Hitler realizes he has very little time to finish his Christmas shopping, and subsequently freaks out while in line at WalMart. Chaos ensues.
  • 1945 - The Nazis prove that every cloud has a silver lining, especially if you hate Jews.
  • 1978 - Chuck Norris sweeps his girlfriend off her feet. With a roundhouse kick. In a roundhouse. Just for kicks.
  • 1991 - Scientists first start working on Packaged Bread Without Crust™. For the next 10 years they will go to countless parties with other scientists and feel like they are working to find the cure for cancer.
  • 2000 - George W. Bush receives his first gay blowjob. In return for the favor, George W. Bush and his government maintain a very friendly line towards homosexuals.
  • 2001 - 10 years in the making, Packaged Bread Without Crust™ is finally introduced as a prototype to the Bimbo company.
  • 2004 The Kitten army begins to prepare for their mass masturbation strike for 25 December during the Human vs. Kitten War. The strike kills 250,000+ humans.
  • 2011 - It's the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine).
  • Today - The first day of the rest of your life.

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Ruby Rhod

December 15: Hooker Appreciation Day (Canada (pictured)), Small Donga Day (USA Whites only)

  • 1200 BCE - "Oh my god! I love those boots! Where did you get them? I have to get a pair!"
  • 1485 - The Renaissance man is created when Leonardo Da Vinci gets pissed off at all those damned deadlines set by everyone. Tell your local polymath to calm down, nobody wants another one of these things roaming the earth.
  • 1698 - New Björk City is founded by the Swedish chef going "björk björk björk" one too many times, making the local Indians move as far way as possible.
  • 1805 - Lewis and Clark buy a hooked rug from a Canadian hooker.
  • 1969 - In response to the San Francisco Exhibition Incident of 1969, the United Nations imposes a world-wide ban on suicide by pointless drivel, the only death penalty enforced by the UN.
  • 1978 - Massive grease fire at the Grease Hut burns on for hours. The little boy who lives down the street falls into it and is incinerated, while the management feels just awful about it.
  • 1993 - Scotland invades Europe: first use of Haggis Device. Mass confusion follows as the Haggis Device is powered by a kilt-wearin' mofo.
  • 1998 - Shia LaBeouf proves that neither good looks nor acting talent is a requirement in movies or TV.
  • 2005 - Stan formed, ruled by Stan in the Empire of Stan.
  • 2005 - Roughly estimated to be the founding of the Neo Illuminati. Due to temporal manipulation technology, the date could be off as much as 400 eons, 356 years, 11 months, 43 weeks, 3 days, 2 hours, 55 minutes, 34 seconds, and 2 picoseconds.
  • 2007 - End of the world at midnight in New Mexico. Michael Travesser and his cult commit mass suicide, probably, or something. People discover that he had sex with little girls and loads of married women, yet it's all about his sacrifice, isn't it?

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Random consonants

December 16: Random Consonants Celebration Day

  • 785 - The Knights of the Round Tablet go in search of the Holy Grail. They fail to exit the bottle, which is child-proofed.
  • 1985 - South Africa ends its fan on interracial marriages. An air conditioner replaces it.
  • 1985 - United Airlines Pilots go on trike for 29 days. Most are medically retired aftwards with back and leg injuries.
  • 1986 - The fictional events in the unsuccessful video game Grand Theft Auto: Nice City take place.
  • 1986 - The Soviet Union launches the Bir space station. Vodka manufacturers complain.
  • 1986 - In Ukraine, one of the reactors at the Chernobyl unclear plant explodes. The reason for the explosion is not clear.
  • 1986 - Nintendo releases The Legend of Welda. Oxy-acetyline equipment subsequently doubles in price.
  • 1988 - Queen Elizabeth strips jockey Lester Piggott of his OME. With nowhere to live, Piggot goes to the media to ask for 'elp.
  • 1988 - Antonio Gomes dos Santos stands lotionless in a Lisbon, Portugal shopping center for 15 hours, 2 minutes and 55 seconds. Eventually he goes to another shop and buys some skin creme.
  • 1988 - Philip Morris bugs Kraft Foods for US$13.1 billion. Kraft tells them to get lost.
  • 1990 - British gameshow Countdown launches Random Consonants Celebration Day.
  • 1991 - The first sliced pan is invented, leading to the downfall of all humanity.
  • 1992 - All Humanity bounces back with new album.
  • 1996 - Big Bird develops cancer while on the set. Hunters everywhere cry.
  • 1998 - Big Bird passes away in peace. Three attend funeral, and there was a lovely barbeque reception afterward. All future episodes of Sesame Street© are safe, because they were all filmed in 1957.
  • 2005 - Saddamn Hussaign is accused repeatedly of passing gas while in court. After each accusation he shouts back random profanities and makes several insults about the judge's family, his mother in particular.
  • 2045 - The Germans are appreciated for the first time in 100 years for inventing the word 'Schifffahrt' meaning boat cruise.

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Bad hairdresser

December 17: International Talk like Jar-Jar Binks Day, Hairdresser Appreciation Day

  • c.4500 BCE - Birds learn to improve their aim, making hairdressers a necessity.
  • 1099 - God passes the Enforced Hair Styling Act.
  • 1105 - Mohawks invent the Mohawk outside a Mohawk gas station near Mohawk, New York (Herkimer County).
  • 1723 - Elton John is hatched in the basement of Benjamin Franklin after a failed attempt to clone a grue.
  • 1862 - During the American Civil War, General Ulysses S. Grant issues General Order 11, expelling all hairdressers from Tennessee, Mississippi, and the Commonwealth of Kentuckistan.
  • 1899 - Norway is invaded by evil molemen. Millions are killed in two weeks of slaughter as the molemen, under their leader Bert, systematically destroy all in their path. No one notices.
  • 1903 - Orville and Wilbur Wright open their first full-service hair salon, with two wash stations and a stand-alone dryer. The search for a more powerful dryer motor would lead them to experiment with airplanes that could dry hair in ten minutes.
  • 1989 - Fox debuts the animated series The Simpsons after the show's creators agree to cut a vaguely reptilian, lop-eared character with a bad accent. George Lucas adopts the rejected character and molests him for years before putting him in a movie.
  • 1999 - We-sa no give a crap 'bout de new alien in-a de Star-sa Wars movee. He-sa bom-bad crappee!
  • 1999 - C3PO now has competition in the annoying Star Wars character department.

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December 18: Dumb as Dirt Day, Page Protection App... pp... ree... shee... a... tion... Day

  • In the beginning - God creates dirt as a benchmark for intelligence. Little did he know that humans would crack coconuts using their heads for over 4 millennia before making tools by copying chimpanzees.
  • 1897 - Genghis Khan comes back as a zombie looking for revenge. Instead, he finds feeding ducks in the park far more fun than revenge.
  • 1991 - The usage of I is banned due to extreme plagiarism and intellectual property rights..
  • 1994 - Michael St_pe loses h_s rel_g_on. He offers $500 for _ts safe return, NO QUEST_ONS ASKED!
  • 1999 - O.J. S_mpson cont_nues the hunt for M_chael St_pe's rel_g_on.
  • 2001 - Apple copyryghts the letter I, other letters are to be substytuted yndefynytely. Mankynd becomes Welsh.
  • 2002 - Wikipedia creates a bot to do autocorrection. Another bot is made to do page protection to detect and fix vandalism changes. The two bots would fight it out for 15 years over the same 3 articles, the first example of artificial stupid.
  • 2005 - The Fox Bros. Network wrongly announces the death of Slappy Squirrel.
  • 2010 - THE U.S. Congress authorizes $1.1 billion for the purchase of two bots from Wikipedia to revise and protect important documents. North Korea and Russia immediately shut down their cyber attack departments, announcing they are no longer needed.
  • 2256 - The Great Catnip incident occurs, nearly wiping out the Earth.
  • 3013 - God realizes he made a big mistake with the Earth and replaces it with a potted plant.
  • 1998 - Uncyclopedia users fail to understand the linear nature of a timeline.

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December 19: You Want Some of THIS! Day (Detroit, MI), Beginning of Blueberry Harvest Season

  • c.4000 BCE - The Chinese invent the concept of revenge, making possible every future martial arts movie.
  • 927 - The Brits conquer and kill all the Engs but named the country England as a sign of good sportsmanship.
  • 1712 - The first blueberry harvest in Canada is cancelled after all the blueberries and most of the blueberry pickers are eaten by bears.
  • 1714 - In New England, crushed blueberries are added to white house paint to create the color Colonial Blue. Many colonists' houses are eaten by bears as a result.
  • c.1860 - Pierre Michaux and Pierre Lallement invent the velocipede, an early type of bicycle. They turn their backs for a moment and the bike is stolen by time traveler John Titor to keep Dr. Who from buying one.
  • 1219 - Some random middle aged guy could've figured out that the year and day were the same (12/19/1219) but he was in the Middle Ages and thus was too busy jousting.
  • 1912 - Some random middle aged gentleman from Britain realises that the year and day were also the same, (19/12/1912) and commemorates his 693-yr old American ancestor by pillaging, drinking and regretting [it].
  • 1974 - International Christmas Day is announced by the International Foundation of Kids Who Can't Wait Another Week.
  • 2001 - Michael Flatley's gay porn music and dance extravaganza Lord of the Rings is released to a largely horrified reception by janitors who wax floors.
  • 2006 - Mike Ditka saves the world from Vin Diesel anti-chavs. Then Vin Diesel steals his bike.
  • 2012 - Chuck Norris saves the world from Mike Ditka when the Roundhouse (London) kicks him in the foot. Whitney Houston gains intelligence and steals Chuck's bike.

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December 20: Oh yeah?! You Goin' Down!" Day (New Jersey), Blueberry Harvest Season officially ends (you missed it)

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December 21: Personal Hygiene Day

  • 678 BCE - Sodomy discovered in Greece.
  • 677 BCE - Death penalty instituted in Greece.
  • 631 BCE - The War of 1812 ends.
  • 521 BCE - Two slightly inebriated Mayans and a French guy come up with an ingenious way to scare the shit out of the future population of the Earth by the means of a calendar.
  • 477 BCE - Stinky Greek hobo Socrates roams the streets of fudge-packing Athens, claiming he knows nothing. As a result, the goofy Greeks regard him as the greatest sage that ever lived.
  • 322 BCE - Megalomaniac Alexander the Great turns out to be a regular fag. In a letter to Aristotle, he confesses that the smell of male toil "turns him on".
  • 10 BCE - Roman Emperor Politemus IV invents the square wheel. Round wheels are outlawed under pain of death.
  • 1500 - The Middle Ages officially end; Europeans can finally start taking care of their personal hygiene little by little.
  • 1939 - Hitler invades France. After realizing he would never make them wash he turned toward Russia.
  • 1967 - The interrobang is discovered. The horrible revelation drives its discoverer instantly insane.
  • 1979 - Star Wars Episode XXXIV: The Rising of Darth Leia is released. George Lucas blames dirty, smelly theaters for the low turnout.
  • 1982 - Sudan wins "Least Hygienic Country In The World Competition" for the first time. The African country has held the title ever since.
  • 1984 - The first horseman of the apocalypse descended to herald the coming tribulations, but no one noticed apart from Noel Fielding, a homeless alcoholic from Brighton, England.
  • 2000 - The bearded Taliban commanders state personal hygiene is against the will of God; in Afghanistan, pretty much the worst place ever.
  • 2001 - UK prime minister Tony Blair is voted "Best Looking Twat" by the readers of Womans Realm magazine.
  • 2004 - Barry Scott surpasses Batman as the Queen of Clean with Clitoris Bang.
  • 2005 - The Bermuda Triangle mysteriously disappears.
  • 2006 - Personal hygiene is forced upon France by new EU ruling. The French promptly withdraw from the EU. All traces of the bathtub are destroyed and the French quickly return to smelling of bad cheese and garlic.
  • 2007 - Man discovers that the white stuff on your tongue causes your breath to smell like shit. The government promptly forces everyone to brush their tongues.
  • 2017 - Saw XVI is a deathday movie which kills anyone who watches.

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Female awareness

December 22: Female Awareness Day

  • 35000 BCE(ish) - God plans to make perfect woman from an arm and a leg, Adam says "What can ya do with a rib?"
  • 600 BCE - YHWH creates woman – twice.
  • 1 CE - The Blessed Mother Mary's contractions begin.
  • 1000 - The Spaghetti Monster creates sex.
  • 1231 - God creates vaginal cancer to spite Spaghetti Monster.
  • 1337 - Counter-Strike is invented. Millions abandon warfare and are never seen in public again.
  • 1589 - Japan announces the release of the Hello Kitty vibrator.
  • 1666 - Manhattan is sold to the Knicks for 24 virgins, an extreme rarity in the area. They immediately re-sell it to Donald Trump.
  • 1923 - LSD is first manufactured; nothing happens yet as psychedelic colors would not be created for another 30 years.
  • 1933 - William Butler Yeats is found dead in a bear cage at the local zoo with a satisfied bear.
  • 1954 - Film Actors Guild (FAG) is founded.
  • 1969 - Science discovers a "female orgasm"; they will later find she was faking it. The ghost of Yeats is in shock.
  • 1989 - Pixies send monkeys to heaven, Anthony gives Cleopatra a crate of brown ale.
  • 2005 - Pussy flavored ice cream invented.
  • 2007 - England nukes Wales. Nobody cares.

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December 23: Festivus

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Chavtastic lights

December 24: Crimbo Eve (Iraq), International Peas Day

  • 1 - Some important guy is almost born. Sort of.
  • 1214 - Ye Olde Barter Shoppe in York offers the first Christmas sale ever. However, it is marred by protests for using the word "sale".
  • 1632 - As if anything was going to happen in the 1600s.
  • 1777 - Captain James Cook discovers a new island, which by an incredible coincidence happens to be named Christmas Island (what are the odds?).
  • 1865 - Some Civil War veterans take the idea of a "White Christmas" a bit too far.
  • 1895 - A man invents a new kind of poison. Somehow, neither him nor the poison were heard from again.
  • 1914 - During the Christmas Truce, British and German soldiers take a break from killing each other, in order to celebrate Peace on Earth.
  • 1929 - Hitler freaks out because he forgot to buy a Jewish friend a present, and then attempts to "cover up" for it.
  • 1934 - The boomerang is declared the gayest invention ever. The joke being that it isn't straight. Hur-hur.
  • 1968 - NASA fakes the first manned mission to orbit the Moon – Apollo 8. Gawd, just look at all the strings holding up everything!
  • 1974 - God sends Cyclone Tracy to destroy most of Darwin, Australia for having the nerve to be named after that evolution guy.
  • 1975 - Canadians attempt to invade the United States but run into a street hockey game, then proceed to change their minds.
  • 1977 - The Goodies blow up the world. Accidents happen, after all.
  • 1984 - Santa Claus fulfills prophecy as he dies for the sins of mankind, to give man eternal neckties and sweaters.
  • 1995 - Tim Allen declares that he wishes he was really Santa Claus.
  • 1997 - There is nearly an outbreak of Zombies. However the whole thing is prevented on account of people having seen way too many zombie movies, and who just close their doors. Will Smith forgets his house keys.
  • 2009 - A pickle receives more fans on Facebook than Nickelback.
  • 2012 - According to Aztec/Inca/anything-to-do-with-South-American mythology, we were due to instantly die a few days ago. We're still here. However, the President is attacked by a baboon with a desk calendar.

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Santa Baby

December 25: Democratic People's Republic of Korea Day (Worldwide), Santa Claus's Birthday, Chrismukhah, Decemberween

  • 0 - Some Assholes decide to make a day to sell a bunch of shit.
  • 1 CE - God tells some dudes via angel to go to some city and wait for a child. The dudes do this (both named Adam and Eve) and give birth to Bob Geldof. God becomes irate and destroys the universe.
  • 3 - Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks God, creating Jesus.
  • 31 - The birth of Santa Claus (pictured). Jesus is nearly killed delivering loaves and fishes by jumping down a chimney and will hand over the franchise to Santa Claus the next year.
  • 1776 - George Washington crosses the Delaware to conduct a sneak attack on the British. The event is later immortalized in the first issue of Action Comics.
  • 1776 - There is a tremendous backup on the Scudder Falls Bridge on I-95 going from Pennsylvania into New Jersey as George Washington's motorcade travels from last-minute gift-buying at the shopping malls of King of Prussia, near Valley Forge, to find a smoke-free restaurant in Trenton for their Christmas dinner.
  • 1856 - 1856 invented for living purposes.
  • 1902 - Santa, whilst high, dresses in green and goes to Finland. Sadly, the colour catches on.
  • 1916 - Whilst strolling through France on a crisp Christmas morning, the Brits have a quick game of footie against the Germans. However, this quickly transforms into a game of rough and tumble. Over a million are killed including second stringers.
  • 1967 - Earth forgets what day it is.
  • 1985 - Hindus celebrate Christmas, with Ganesha briefly getting stuck in several chimneys.
  • 1993 - Jews around the world decide to go to the movies.
  • 1994 - Atheist children receive gifts.
  • 1996 - Christmas is cancelled to mark the death of Screech from Saved by the Bell.
  • 2005 - George Bush officially renames Christmas as Bushmas to honour his war against grammar.
  • 2006 - In Finland, Santa is still depicted in green. The rest of the world is still confused.
  • 2008 - Santa is charged with kidnapping children and taking them to his grotto. He is soon released with the help of Michael Jackson's lawyers.
  • 2009 - Christmas cancelled after Santa Claus files for bankruptcy.
  • 2010 - Santa shoots a redneck hick with his own gun in self-defence. He is arrested under the charges of trespassing, and sentenced to 567 years of slave labour after others also complain about his trespassing. Ironically, he ends up in prison in China, making Christmas ornaments.

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Boxing Day

December 26: Packaging Day, Useless Office Memorandum Day, International Go to the Pub all Afternoon and Have a Row With the Missus Day

  • The 3rd day of creation - God creates the useless memorandum.
  • 0 - Rudolph catches everlasting cold after night out; he is condemned to a permanent red nose.
  • 17 CE - Jesus recovers from a 'wicked birthday hangover' and cleans up the house before his parents get home.
  • 35 - Stephen the Protomartyr gets stoned off his ass.
  • 931 - Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the Feast of Stephen; when the snow lay round about, deep and crisp and even. King Wenceslas then remembers that Stephen really, really likes snowcones.
  • 2002 - Last recorded vowel movement for God. In an indirect response to this anniversary, God decides to take out His frustration on His rich children every year after-wizard.
  • 2003 - There is devastating spongecake in Ham because they own too many fairy cakes, and Bob makes them play.
  • 2004 - Realising he has nothing to bitch about, Bob Geldof creates a devastating tsunami.
  • 2004 - There is devastating toffee in Southeast Asia because they own too many fudges, and Bob makes them play.
  • 2004 - The idea for Deal or No Deal is created on Boxing Day after Noel Edmonds is trapped in a box, the producer of the show opening it and gasping, thinking 'Hey, why don't we do that with something valuable in the boxes?'
  • 2008 - Mars is destroyed because the Bible has no recorded evidence of Martians, and God makes it pay.
  • 2011 - A devastating white hole wipes out God, leaving no one to make no one pay.
  • 6325 - Despite the discovery of the lost pelvis of Richard Belzer, our world still sucks.

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December 27: Invention of the Artificial Vagina

  • 42 - 9th anniversary of the first anniversary.
  • 1831 - Charles Darwin boards the HMS Beagle, and begins his lifelong mission to undermine God and all that is decent.
  • 1939 - Adolf Hitler becomes frustrated when Germany's top scientists fail to invent the artificial vagina.
  • 1944 - Winston Churchill invents the artificial vagina and is hailed a hero. Hitler is crushed by this and committed suicide several months later
  • 1945 - Josef Stalin invents Soviet artificial vagina, one hundred times younger, tighter, prettier and tastier than Churchill's. Long live Comrade Stalin! Long live the artificial vagina! Long live the Revolution! Long live the Workers, who can now wank with greater realism than the downtrodden hand-dependents of the Capitalist world! Down with Churchill! Down with Capitalism! Down with Marks and Spencers! Down with Fascism! Down with Debenhams and Waitrose! Down with hands, tissues and Vaseline!
  • 1954 - Nikita Khrushchev condemns Stalin's Soviet artificial vagina, saying it screws the lonely and single.
  • 1954 - Nikita Khrushchev is promptly 'dealt with' by the KGB. Long live the glorious Soviet Union!
  • 1969 - Boxing Day causes many deaths from internal bleeding as its meaning is misinterpreted.
  • 1990 - World Peace War declared on UNO by UNO members.
  • 2005 - 5th anniversary of the universe exploding violently.
  • 2007 - Major cleanup after boxes from Boxing day wipe out half the human population.
  • 2008 - King Kong does Eeyore in the honey tree. Donkey Kong is born!
  • 2009 - When people discover what Boxing Day is actually about, it is promptly cancelled.

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December 28: Day of the Not-so-Innocents (Spain, Portugal, South America), Penis Appreciation Day

  • 23 CE - Penis Appreciation Day is invented by Jesus. Not realising his mate Judas and the entire Roman army is less well hung, he would regret it one day.
  • 1963 - Paul Hindemith's pancreas explodes, killing him a second time and 36 others a first time as he flew over Lakewurst, New Jersey. The music community rejoices once more.
  • 2004 - Deciding they like Mondays, superheroes plan a combined assault on Bob Geldof. After an hour of the Hoff's singing and Mr T's pitying, the devastating blow comes when Darth Vader tells Geldof who his father is. This causes him to spontaneously combust all over Pauline Fowler's scowl.
  • 2006 - Uncyclopedians lose count at the sheer number of anniversaries with penises in them.
  • 2007 - World economy goes into meltdown as Penis Appreciation Day lasts until August 15th 2008. This only ends when lesbians attempt to seize control of the earth. Millions would die in the conflict.
  • 2009 - It is rumoured that Bob Geldof will return to fight the final battle between good and evil one day. The Vatican, the CIA and Michael Stipe all deny this.
  • 2072 - America elects its new emperor, The Noid.

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Paper Stalin

December 29: Oh No You Fucking Don't Day

  • In the beginning - After too many Russian reversal jokes, God turns the key and resets the universe to start the Big Bang all over again. In the process, coding for wonderful broxilopes and much-needed florpiness is lost forever.
  • In the beginning - After one too many bad fake Oscar Wilde quotes, God once again hits the reset button and starts the Big Bang once again. This time, the quotes have already reached critical mass and fail to die. God then decides to punish the writers by creating killer bees, Rasberry Crazy Ants and Andy Dick.
  • In the beginning - After too many Chuck Norris jokes, God turns the key and resets the universe to start the Big Bang all over again. He then allows perpetual stupidity and constant warfare, which only leads to more Chuck Norris jokes.
  • 1434 - At the instigation of Gavin Menzies, Egyptians build the imaginary Suez Canal to allow the imaginary branch of the Grand Chinese Fleet to reach imaginary Italy in order to resupply themselves with imaginary noodles.
  • 1532 - Children of Orthodox Christians start looking forward to Christmas which for them is sometime in the next 3 months.
  • 1833 - Great Britain abolishes slavery, replacing it with a boot on the back of the neck. Belgium soon follows suit though still allows slavery of people whose names they can't pronounce.
  • 1968 - Lemmings revolt and turn the tables, pushing Disney bulldozers over cliffs.
  • 1981 - Bimbos officially become sluts.
  • 1990 - Monument to the Unknown Man With Plastic Shopping Bag is dedicated. Singlehanded, he stopped a column of tanks on their way to literally crush the 1989 Tiananmen Square protest. In later years he would be castigated for not using a recyclable bag and the memorial would be paved over for a Walmart parking lot.

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December 30: Last Chance To Do All the Things You Wanted To Do This Year Day

  • 4004 BCE - God remembers to create the Earth. Oh, and everything else, too. Except for sliced bread.
  • 4 BCE - Emperor Augustus remembers he was gonna have a census this year. Having missed his opportunity, he proclaims, "Let there be a day upon which all things previously contemplated throughout the last year finally be at once accomplished! Except for tomorrow. But shhhh!" Thus, the "Last Chance to Do All The Things You Wanted To Do This Year Day" is inaugurated.
  • 41 CE - Calligraphy, the gayest of Roman emperors, forgets to sign the will making his goat the next emperor, thus ensuring the slavery of goats for two and a half millennia.
  • 1037 - King Arthur loses the Holy Grail to Nigerian timeshare scammers. Crusades ensue.
  • 1928 - The fart is discovered to be a wave not a particle since two people at two different places can smell it at the same time.
  • 1999 - Procrastinators think about preparing for the Y2K Bug.
  • 2004 - Weren't we gonna start a parody of Wickerpedialyte? Yeah? Shit! Better luck next year.
  • 2005 - the letter u is now a bad word. Prince gets writer's block for about five minutes.
  • 2006 - Saddam Hussein is executed for forgetting to send Bush a Christmas card. Again.
  • 2007 - This entry is not added. Except in error, and other minor US towns.
  • 2012 -- The Mayans remember to end the world with a BANG!
  • 2017 - Wal★Mart sends in the Giant Smiley to crush the government of Botswana in order to create one giant store next to the redneck country South Africa. (pictured)
  • 2541 - Goats obtain their freedom, thus changing December 30 from "Last Chance To Do All The Things You Wanted To Do This Year Day" to "Goatcheese Liberation Front and Gift Packet Day" (except in New Guinea).

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December 31: New Year's Revolution Day, Fall of the Triple Mocha Latte (Church of Latte-Day Saints)

  • 406 - Vandals, blankers and 12-year-olds cross the Wikipedia River to begin an invasion of Uncyclopedia.
  • 776 - The almighty triple mocha latte falls to the decaffeinated beverage.
  • 1543 - Caucasians revolt in the hope that they'd be able to gain control over the pornography industry of Amerika. They fail to keep it up because of their dwindling supply of condoms.
  • 1905 - Leonard Bernstein is born to the Bernstein Bears.
  • 1993 - Four Non-Blondes pray every single day for revolution, then roll over and cry while lying in bed.
  • 1994 - U.S. internet jokewriters realize almost too late that there are only twelve months in the year, petition for a thirteenth so the date 13/37 can be so l33t and "amusing".
  • 1995 - U.S. internet jokewriters realize there are at most thirty-one days in a month anyway, thus decide to wait until January 3, 2037.
  • 1999 - Boris Yeltsin stops trying to fake his death realizing that he can simply resign in order not to do any work. Billions around the world celebrate for some odd reason.
  • 1999 - Procrastinators around the world (except in Third World countries) panic and rush grocery stores at 11:55 pm (local time) in attempts to prepare for the Y2k Bug, but find the shelves are empty.
  • 2000 - 2000th New Year's Revolution begins. Like the one in 1999, it fails after midnight kissing leads to an R-rated experience. Children pout for the 2000th time for being left out of the action.
  • 2001 - Realizing the 2000 failures of New Year Revolution, people from all around the world made a resolution to try something different this year, changing New Year's Revolution to New Year's Resolution. This attempt fails due to the obvious reason that no one follows the resolutions they make every New Year.
  • 2007 - Uncyclopedia replaces Wikipedia as THE source of all knowledge after idiots make everything Uncyclopedia says true.

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