Punch-a-Donkey-for-Jesus Day, Gatesmas ( August 24: United States), Lysdexiac Awarenses Weke Ends
1456 - The printing of the Gutenberg Bible is completed by Steve Gutenberg.
1463 - Portuguese discovered to be mispronounced Spanish.
1561 - Willem of Orange marries duchess Anna of Sherbert.
1853 - Potato chips invented. This is hailed as a triumph, as it will finally permit people to get rid of the vast mountains of dip that clog the streets of Europe.
1898 - Earth discovered to have a caramel center.
1985 - Windows 95 is released.
1996 - Anniversary of Windows 95: the first Gatesmas. Consumers celebrate by showering gifts on Bill Gates' house, including old fruit, bricks, dead cats and plastic explosives.
1988 - Einstein formulates his award-winning theorem time=money.
1991 - Top astro-economists determine that Einstein's theorem time=money cannot be reconciled with the recent developments in quantum economics.
1997 - Speaking in front of 600,000 people in Washington, D.C., Phil Collins proclaims that he doesn't care anymore.
2001 - Samuel L. Jackson punches a donkey so hard that jesus decides to induct him into heaven Samuel declines the offer because jesus refuses to let him bring his trademark "Bad Mother Fucker" wallet.
2009 - George Bush arrested for poking badgers with spoons.
2011 - Barack Obama wins Donkey Punching award by simply sitting in the Oval Office. This is also how he won his Nobel Peace Prize.
2013 - Eeyore punches Winnie the Pooh, Jesus pissed.