August 15: Hug People While You're on Fire Day
1,000,000 BCE - Caveman introduces fire to humankind as he hugs people for help while he is on fire.
410 - The Dark Ages make an unexpected appearance when the holiday finds a devoted fan-base among 5th century scholars.
1800 - Napoleon invades Russia, but forgets to hug Stalin when he on fire, thus ensuring French defeat.
1914 - A male servant of American architect Frank Lloyd Wright sets fire to the living quarters of Wright's Wisconsin home, Taliesin, murders seven people, and burns the living quarters to the ground. It's believed the servant was on fire and just in a huggy mood.
1924 - Last "Running of the Cthulhu" in Barcelona, Spain.
1947 - Ganja Gandhi rapes Mountbatten and molests him so much that every British bitch leaves India.
1963 - Buddhist Monks protest South Vietnam government's discriminatory policies which favor Catholics by lighting themselves on fire and hugging the Archbishop.
1975 - Three members of the Fantastic Four are hospitalized with third degree burns after the fourth member, Johnny Storm, takes Ecstasy.
2001 - Strawberry Jesus is born to the virgin mother Penny Bain, and his disciples celebrate this date each year as Clock Day.
2002 - Hug People While You're on Fire Day is partially negated by Hug People While You're Wet Day.
2013 - While self-immolation was previously used as a protesting tactic to voice "Hey, this is bad!", it now thrives as Poland's national sport, bringing in revenues of over 53 euros annually.