August 10: Vatican Mardi Gras

  • 1122 - Sharpened crucifixes prove to be unpopular "throws" from Mardi Gras floats. Instead, since the church has a huge surplus of them, saints, living or dead, are flung into the crowds. The saints would be torn apart by revelers fighting over them. This accounts for the large number of holy relics like single bones that survive today.
  • 1479 - Pope Sixtus IV inaugurates Vatican Mardi Gras, a celebration of sexuality which is the only day of the year that Catholics are allowed to celebrate sex, dress provocatively, engage in sexual intercourse, expose themselves to crowds, and drink from extremely tall, thin vessels.
  • 1489 - The antipope Mellus Gibsonus I inaugurates Freaky Friday, a day of religious reflection where heavy drinking triggers racism and homophobia, with denial added to avoid a trip to the local psych ward or jail.
  • 1675 - The foundation stone of the Royal Greenwich Observatory in London gets laid. It is happy all day.
  • 1829 - Pius VIII initiates the tradition of throwing beads to nuns and screaming "Show us your tits!". (pictured)
  • 1872 - Dentists conspire to create King cakes containing a small baby figurine to break people's teeth. Little did they realize that the Vatican sewers are full of alligator people who not only develope a taste for the babies from King cakes but human babies as well.
  • 1914 - Pope Pius X is killed in a collision between carnival floats. The driver had become distracted after Pius threw beads to a group of nuns.
  • 1989 - Pope John Paul II flashes a crowd of thoroughly appalled onlookers in Rome.
  • 1992 - Girls Gone Wild: Cardinal Sins is released in the United States to critical acclaim. Gene Shalit declares it to be "one of the best movies released today."
  • 2009 - Pope Benedict XVI enjoyed a massive gay sex party with all the other Popes.