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Baldrick series 3

August 1: Independence Day (Switzerland), Swiss Cheese Day (everywhere else)

  • 1648 - Switzerland is invented by the Peace of Westphalia, made up of pieces of Europe that everyone feared to invade. Residents would immediately clean everything and have a wheel of cheese and a watch made by sundown.
  • 1844 - The FBI executes a sting operation intended to disrupt turnip trafficking, apprehending turnip kingpin Baldrick (pictured).
  • 1910 - Los Angeles suffers it first drive-by shooting from a car, a Ford Model T. However, the culprit is quickly apprehended by LAPD, who were chasing on foot.
  • 1919 - The people of Zimbabwe elect their first Lord High Bison.
  • 1923 - Calvin Klein proclaims himself Emperor of Cologne, Germania.
  • 1957 - Rod Serling is ticketed in the middle ground between light and shadow for driving at noon in a Twilight Zone.
  • 1979 - Australia's first kangaroo prime minister is elected. He later appoints marsupials to the judiciary, resulting in the establishment of kangaroo courts.
  • 1980 - Australia's first kangaroo prime minister is assassinated by a koala. Conspiracy theories quickly emerge as witnesses claim to have seen a surfer on the grassy knoll.
  • 2015 - France declares war on Switzerland as its cheese industry takes a massive blow from swiss cheese sales. 1 hour 45 minutes later they surrender.

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Lost

August 2: Intentionally Give a Stranger Misleading Directions Day

  • 456 - Marauding Mongol hoards are repeatedly given misleading directions, resulting in wide swaths of carnage being cut through unsuspecting and largely unpopulated regions of central Europe.
  • 1101 - Crusaders are given misleading directions so carefully coordinated that the vanguard of the army will attempt to attack the rear guard.
  • 1877 - When asked for directions by a stranger, Oscar Wilde, then at the height of his wit, searingly suggests that the stranger seek directions from his own mother.
  • 1922 - Allen Zeitgeist asks for directions to New York from Boston. Told to "turn left where the large tree used to be", the series of events that follow cause the stock market crash and the Great Depression.
  • 1939 - Tomasz Wankovszki, a Ukrainian farmer, accidentally starts World War II by sending the German army into Poland, telling them that it is actually a shortcut to Czechoslovakia.
  • 1939 - (12:22pm) Hitler refuses to order troops to stop at a gas station and ask for directions; Warsaw and Krakow invaded by accident.
  • 1945 - Bugs Bunny fails to make a left at Albuquerque for the first time. It would hardly be the last, with his tunneling eventually causing ground collapse in large parts of New Mexico.
  • 1993 - The shocking discrepancy between male and female drivers who ask for directions is highlighted in a study by Cambridge professor Dr. Gerry von Coppenfeels.
  • 2000 - GPS accuracy for civilian use is upgraded to military levels so that both can be equally lost. Earlier, users could be distinguished from each other in heavy fog and in the dark by the more creative cursing used by the military.

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This thing

August 3: Vague Day

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Beheading

August 4: National Sasquatch Awareness Day (Canada)

  • 1753 - George Washington tells a lie. Universe-ending consequences ensue.
  • 1794 - At the height of the French Revolution, the common contemporary ailment of Separation Issues was first documented. (pictured)
  • 1891 - Oscar Wilde's article The Soul of Man Under Socialism is published in the Fortnightly Review. Wilde's scathing commentary on Socialism is followed up the next fortnight by a scathing treatise on women horse-drawn buggy drivers.
  • 1914 - Britain declares war on Germany, thus starting World War I. The United States insists on not getting involved in lovers' quarrels.
  • 1924 - Under the leadership of the Teletubbies, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish clinch a perfect 11-0 season with a rousing defeat of rival USC.
  • 1924 again - Diplomatic relations between Mexico and the Soviet Union are established. The trade of tequila for vodka enjoys brief success, but is later overshadowed by the roaring success of the furry hats and sombreros exchange.
  • 1986 - Chernobyl, a pleasantly glowing hamlet located on the beautiful Pripyat River, opens for its first tourist season.
  • 1993 - A sasquatch pride parade down New York City's Fifth Avenue ends in chaos as animal rights activists protest against sasquatch wearing fur coats.

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Anniegakufu

August 5: Mysterious Woody at the Mall Day

  • 1812 - Famed time traveller Woody Harrelson goes back in time to bring the idea of the mall to the past.
  • 1924 - The comic strip Little Orphan Annie debuts. (pictured) Woody Allen gets his nickname after reading the comic strip and starts stalking little girls without eyeballs.
  • 1940 - Joseph Stalin is caught with a woody at the mall. Later that evening, twelve million peasants are killed.
  • 1955 - Carmen Miranda dies; shares of United Fruit decline 20% in heavy trading.
  • 1962 - Film actress and sex icon Marilyn Monroe is found dead in her Los Angeles home, apparently having overdosed on sleeping pills. Teenaged males everywhere declare an International Day of No Masturbation to mourn her passing.
  • 1980 - Woody Allen appears mysteriously at Detroit strip mall, but is disappointed to find that the Big Boy doesn't offer kosher meals.
  • 1984 - Toronto Blue Jay's player Cliff Johnson gets good wood.
  • 1992 - The Alice in Chains song Wood? is heard in every mall in North America.
  • 1994 - Viagra hires Woody Woodpecker as their spokesman.
  • 2000 - Academy Award winning actor Sir Alec Guiness dies at the age of 86. Or at least, it is assumed he died, since all that is found is an empty robe and a lightsaber.

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Viking costume

August 6: National Wear Glow-in-the-Dark Viking Costumes Day (pictured)

  • 578 - The Vikings discover glow-in-the-dark materials long before Columbus.
  • 1945 - The U.S. gives the city of Hiroshima, Japan custom glow-in-the-dark costumes.
  • 1855 - The concept of The Great American Novel is first introduced, when thousands of people traverse the country in covered wagons, contract dysentery, and feel "really good" about America.
  • 1890 - After Thomas Edison electrocutes an elephant during his demonstration of the "dangers" of AC current, New York adopts the electric chair for execution. Murderer Andy Dick would be the first to die by this method, though it is unknown if he dies by electrocution or from the weight of the elephant sitting in his lap.
  • 1940 - Estonia decides to become part of Russia after most of the latter's army walks in for a short visit.
  • 1945 - United States gets the first ever 25-kill streak on the map of Hiroshima; immediately uses kill streak reward of tactical nuke for the round win.
  • 1998 - A Gay Pride parade in Hoboken, New Jersey is interrupted by an impromptu interior decorating parade proceeding down an intersecting street in what comes to be known by all who participated as "fabulous".
  • 2006 - A 1.5 magnitude earthquake occurs on the Moon. Global warming is promptly blamed for the incident.
  • 2008 - In a major tragedy, aftershocks from a large earthquake in China knock over an American man's glass of water in Cleveland, Ohio.

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Bullet time

August 7: Anniversary of the Day The Matrix Stopped Being Cool

  • 1458 - Math matrices (invented August 6, 1458 on a geometrically shaped island in the Sea of Equations) are deemed annoying. This results in the beginning of mathematicians' decline from 'revered intellectuals' to 'irritating know-it-alls', and eventually to their current status, 'dusty old codgers'.
  • 1947 - Albert Einstein recasts his Theory of Hammer Time into the more comprehensive Theory of Bullet Time.
  • 1984 - Keanu Reeves takes his first 3-day-long acting class. He likes it so much he takes it again. And again. And again.
  • 2003 - The Matrix Revolutions kills millions of moviegoers worldwide outright. Assisted suicide advocates set up stands outside theaters handing out free poisoned Kool Aid to anyone leaving the venues.
  • 2003 - An adolescent who, for no reason at all, starts mimicking the slow-motion bullet dodge from the first Matrix film on a bus, is appalled to discover that his fellow passengers are not immediately breaking out in applause and high-fives, as is usual whenever any reference to The Matrix is made by anyone at any time.
  • 2004 - A suburban family, watching a toothpaste advertisement featuring characters in black leather doing kung-fu, lets out a bored sigh in complete unison.
  • 2005 - A stand-up comedian, beginning a joke with the words 'You take the blue pill', is booed offstage and has his car tires slashed.
  • 2006 - A man is kicked to death for saying 'Whoa' in a Keanu-esque fashion.
  • 2014 - Cyberpunk writer William Gibson sends virtual flying monkeys after the Wachowskis.

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August 8: For God's Sake Leave Your Bloody Cellphone Alone for 5 Minutes Day

Ghetto ass cell phone
  • 1576 - The cornerstone for Tycho Brahe's Uraniborg observatory is laid. The first Borg was sighted 3 years later, some 4.7 parsecs away.
  • 1815 - Napoleon Bonaparte can't get any sig on the island of St. Helena.
  • 1876 - Thomas Edison receives a patent for his mimeograph, which duplicates mimes.
  • 1940 - The German Luftwaffe begin bombarding Great Britain with international text messages carrying sky-high roaming rates.
  • 1961 - Birthday of U2's The Edge, as well as his twin brother, The Corner.
  • 2004 - Fay Wray, American actress (b. 1907), passes away, after slipping on an enormous banana peel.
  • 2008 - Wait just a sec, I have a call. Hello? Yeah. Yeah. No, they're right here. I don't know, something about an anniversary. Hah, yeah, I know. And that stupid-looking hat, yeah. Oh, sorry, I gotta let you go.
  • 2009 - Shit, sorry, this is the last call, I promise. Hey. It's on the counter. It's on the counter. On the counter. The counter. On the - it's on the FUCKING COUNTER! THE COUNTER! ON THE COUNTER!

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Nerobust

August 9: Reiteration Day

  • 69 - Roman festival of Repetitionalia inaugurated. Unfortunately for Emperor Nero, he is murdered all over again. (pictured)
  • 70 - Following imperial edict, birds begin annual migrations.
  • 683 - Europe loses the knowledge of how to keep chickens laying eggs in the wintertime. Frustrated omelet lovers resort to using torture on chickens to force them to reveal the secret. The rack proves to be super-effective and has the additional benefits of making jerk chicken and finding out which chickens are Jews.
  • 1066 - England is invaded successfully for the last time, all occupants are now immigrants except for the Cornish.
  • 1493 - Columbus sets sail for the New World again, hoping that if goes fast enough, he'll sail right past and end up in China.
  • 1876 - Thomas Edison receives a mimeographed copy of a patent for his mimeograph.
  • 1939 - World War II begins as Germany tries to get it right this time.
  • 1984 - Every company requires three carbon copies of every document submitted. Everyone is told to "press down hard", collapsing tables and desks everywhere.
  • 1991 - There are now 27 Baldwin brothers, all actors. "Mom kept trying for a girl," was the reasoning.
  • 1998 - Bill Murray commits suicide, leaves note reading "I can't handle this shit again"; he is reincarnated as himself.
  • 2004 - People start to realise that yesterday wasn't neccessarily "such hot shit after all".
  • 2005 - U.S. Government is stuck for a replacement festival, decide to re-instigate Reiteration Day. Again.
  • 2006 - Due to a printing error, calendars list today as "Reiterate the Previous Reiteration of Reiteration Day". Global panic ensues.

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Titsorgtfo

August 10: Vatican Mardi Gras

  • 1479 - Pope Sixtus IV inaugurates Vatican Mardi Gras, a celebration of sexuality which is the only day of the year that Catholics are allowed to celebrate sex, dress provocatively, engage in sexual intercourse, expose themselves to crowds, and drink from extremely tall, thin vessels.
  • 1489 - The antipope Mellus Gibsonus I inaugurates Freaky Friday, a day of religious reflection where heavy drinking triggers racism and homophobia, with denial added to avoid a trip to the local psych ward or jail.
  • 1675 - The foundation stone of the Royal Greenwich Observatory in London got laid. It was happy all day.
  • 1829 - Pius VIII initiates the tradition of throwing beads to nuns and screaming "Show us your tits!". (pictured)
  • 1914 - Pope Pius X is killed in a collision between carnival floats. The driver had become distracted after Pius threw beads to a group of nuns.
  • 1989 - Pope John Paul II flashes a crowd of thoroughly appalled onlookers in Rome.
  • 1992 - Girls Gone Wild: Cardinal Sins is released in the United States to critical acclaim. Gene Shalit declares it to be "one of the best movies released today."
  • 2009 - Pope Benedict XVI enjoyed a massive gay sex party with all the other Popes.

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Bitchy1

August 11: Sexual Harassment in the Workplace Day

  • 1492 - Alexander VI is elected Pope. He becomes known for making lewd and improper suggestions to the cardinals.
  • 1700 - William of Orange initiates the 'Glorious 12th'. On this day the tradition of shooting peasants on this day is changed to killing game birds.
  • 1858 - The first ascent of the Eiger. After this ascent, an Eiger counter keeps track.
  • 1966 - John Lennon holds a press conference apologizing for stating that the Beatles were "more popular than Jesus." He clarifies, "I meant to say we were more popular than Mohammed."
  • 1969 - The first men land on the moon. While collecting moon rocks, Neil Armstrong "accidentally" rubs up against Buzz Aldrin.
  • 1972 - The last United States ground combat unit departs South Vietnam. Says an Army spokesman, "Thank goodness we've learned our lesson! No more pointless guerilla wars without an exit strategy for us!"
  • 1993 - President Bill Clinton takes an interest in the new White House secretary.
  • 2004 - Bill O'Reilly makes several drunken phone calls. He later wakes up to discover that he is the now the Democratic Representative for New Hampshire, and president of the international Gay and Lesbian Alliance.
  • 2006 - Harry Whittington declines to play naked Twister with Dick Cheney. Instead, the two embark on a quail hunt where Dick shoots Harry, claiming it was an accident.

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Malaysianpirates

August 12: Madonna Depreciation Day (Worldwide)

  • 1675 - The Vegetable Armistice is signed, ending the Great Tomato War.
  • 1840 - Martin Van Buren is somehow re-nominated for the Presidential election by the Democrats, despite being a pretentious douche and insisting on making lame genitalia jokes at passing squirrels.
  • 1908 - First Model T Ford built. It faces stiff competition from the pirate-made Model R (pictured).
  • 1921 - Joseph Lister invents Listerine, Craigslist and high society's A-list in quick succession.
  • 1960 - Echo I, the first communications satellite, launched.
  • 1960 - Echo I, the first communications satellite, launched.
  • 1964 - English novelist Ian Fleming passes away when he is mistakenly served a vodka martini stirred, not shaken.
  • 1983 - Contending that Madonna made an admission of being "over the borderline", coordinated Chinese People's Army and Air Force units attack her while she is on tour. Madonna fends off an estimated 5,000 troops for a week using a high heel and stale popcorn from her dressing room. She deftly uses lawyers in a flanking counterattack; unacceptable casualties cause the withdrawal of Chinese forces.
  • 2005 - Madonna is sued for plagiarizing 4 notes for her song Frozen from poor, helpless Belgian songwriter Salvatore Acquaviva, who coincidentally has lots of lawyers for friends. While in concert in Werchter, Belgium, one of the lawyers accidentally falls onto the stage and Madonna bites his head off. She would later need treatment for rabies as a precaution.

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Meteor1

August 13: Welcome Visitors From Space Day

  • 66 million BCE - A meteor impact wipes out the dinosaurs, with tiny mammals learning to either smile or laugh at them after the dust clears.
  • 4200 BCE - Egyptians spoof future generations by faking artwork of spaceships and aliens during the reign of Jaye Davidson I.
  • 2207 BCE - Elijah attempts to ascend to heaven in a spaceship but is taken off forcibly by United Airlines personnel for being "too beardy".
  • 457 BCE - Mayans who are also in on the joke fake artwork showing spaceships, knowing that their descendants could make a good living selling fake artifacts to gullible UFOlogists.
  • 1620 - The Pilgrim Fathers eagerly await the landing of aliens from outer space, otherwise spending their free time attacking and murdering Quakers and Indians, in no particular order.
  • c.1680 - Space aliens give Belgians the technology to develop a death ray weapon to gain their independence from Spain. It turns out to be a great way to fry potatoes, too. Sadly, this would only lead to to war with France over the term "French fries".
  • 1898 - The first case of alien abduction occurs with blue aliens kidnapping some green ones.
  • 1940 - Great Britain installs the first radar station to detect alien spacecraft. Upon finding that German bombers get tangled in the antenna arrays, they build more.
  • 1947 - The first flying saucer is reported. Previous alien craft were reported as being wheel-, horse-, ocean liner- or cigar-shaped.

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Stalin nose

August 14: Brutal Dictator Appreciation Day (Saudi Arabia & Jacksonville, FL)

  • A long time ago - Emperor Ovaltine consolidates his power in the Galactic Empire. When he hears about it, Mace Window is shocked.
  • 1844 BCE - Toast is invented.
  • 1855 BCE - Following the War of a Thousand Toasters, the recipe for toast is lost for over 3000 years.
  • 1880 - Cologne Cathedral in Germany, is completed. It smells great!
  • 1923 - Start of the Dotcom Era.
  • 1987 - A young explorer named Wally ("Waldo" in the Americas) is reported missing.
  • 2001 - George W. Bush is "elected" by his daddy's friends to be president of the United States.
  • 2005 - Ego is discovered to be, in fact, a dirty word. Eggo remains as a frozen waffle.
  • 2006 - Horizontal line is discovered in your pants.
  • 2007 - Vertical line is discovered in the inside of your pants.
  • 2007 - Hitler is finally mentioned in Brutal Dictator Appreciation Day. Took long enough.
  • 2008 - The first "sort of" black dictator is introduced into the history of the US. People take to the streets with high hopes of a kinder, gentler dictator.
  • 2009 - Nut and penis implants are invented.
  • 2010 - Nut and penis implants found to cause cancer. Some 1.3 million white gangstas are affected.
  • 2012 - Dick Cheney dies because his cold blackened void of a heart fails. The world is finally safe.
  • 3012- 1000th "Screw Dick Cheney" Day cancelled by Undead Bush

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Ghost rider candy

August 15: Hug People While You're on Fire Day

  • 1,000,000 BCE - Caveman introduces fire to humankind as he hugs people for help while he is on fire.
  • 410 - The Dark Ages make an unexpected appearance when the holiday finds a devoted fan-base among 5th century scholars.
  • 1800 - Napoleon invades Russia, but forgets to hug Stalin when he on fire, thus ensuring French defeat.
  • 1914 - A male servant of American architect Frank Lloyd Wright sets fire to the living quarters of Wright's Wisconsin home, Taliesin, murders seven people, and burns the living quarters to the ground. It's believed the servant was on fire and just in a huggy mood.
  • 1924 - Last "Running of the Cthulhu" in Barcelona, Spain.
  • 1947 - Ganja Gandhi rapes Mountbatten and molests him so much that every British bitch leaves India.
  • 1963 - Buddhist Monks protest South Vietnam government's discriminatory policies which favor Catholics by lighting themselves on fire and hugging the Archbishop.
  • 1975 - Three members of the Fantastic Four are hospitalized with third degree burns after the fourth member, Johnny Storm, takes Ecstasy.
  • 2001 - Strawberry Jesus is born to the virgin mother Penny Bain, and his disciples celebrate this date each year as Clock Day.
  • 2002 - Hug People While You're on Fire Day is partially negated by Hug People While You're Wet Day.
  • 2013 - While self-immolation was previously used as a protesting tactic to voice "Hey, this is bad!", it now thrives as Poland's national sport, bringing in revenues of over 53 euros annually.

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Dotonbori

August 16: Kansai Day (Japan)

  • 70,000,000 BCE - First Gozan Okuribi festival (meaning "bloody great flaming kanji") held in Kyoto.
  • 40,000 BCE - Takoyaki is invented. Octopi respond by trying to make people-yaki but are unable to get fires lit underwater.
  • 38,000 BCE - The first person survives an attack from undercooked takoyaki.
  • 1950 - Kyoto, Osaka and Kobe form the Keihanshin conglomerate after being liberated from their evil oppressors.
  • 1973 - Kansai officially enters the Kaiju League of Japan with two contestants, Entei and Glico Man.
  • 1984 - Governor of Tokyo makes stealth attacks on Kansai under the alias "The Monster With 21 Faces".
  • 2007 - Osaka scientists find out how to make a robot that solves a Rubik's Cube. The world breathes a sigh of relief.
  • 2200 - Kansai secedes from the rest of Japan. Chugoku, Shikoku, and Kyushu shortly follow. This leads to the Tozaikan War.
  • 2207 - Kansai wins the Tozaikan War by planting proximity takoyaki around Tokyo. The Kanto region surrenders on November 1 of the same year.
  • 3000 - Osaka is declared capital of the world.

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August 17: A Dingo Ate My Baby Day (Australia).

Jacksonbabyoutback

Michael Jackson celebrates Dingo Ate My Baby Day

  • 5000 BCE - The first dingo arrives in Australia. Says dingo: "Man, I'm hungry. Could sure go for something chewy and defenseless."
  • 3020 BCE - Dingoes successfully mate with wallabies. The dallawingoby young, a wingodollajoeyhopper, is found to be delicious when BBQd, insuring quick extinction.
  • 1776 - Thomas Jefferson releases happiness at 11 AM.
  • 1777 - Thomas Jefferson releases packs of dingoes into the Virgina wilderness. These same dingoes are later credited for the elimination of the Roanoke Settlement.
  • 1918 - Bolshevik revolutionary leader Moisei Uritsky is assassinated. Dingoes are suspected.
  • 1980 - "Ah Dingo Ate Moy Baybee!" The woman is fined A$500 for maligning dingoes and will be sentenced to being the butt of a Seinfeld joke.
  • 1984 - Happiness is prohibited by the ISoPT.
  • 1986 - A pack of rabid dingoes invade and devour the city of Sydney.
  • 1988 - Pakistani President Muhammad Zia-ul-Haq and US Ambassador Arnold Raphel are killed in a plane crash. And then eaten by dingoes.
  • 1988 - The legendary Alex Cross is born in Redhill, Surrey, UK. He then roundhouse-kicks a dingo in the face when it tries to eat him.
  • 1997 - Rabid packs of dingoes win parliamentary seats in Australian run-off elections.
  • 2004 - Alex Cross beats Chuck Norris in a fight, but Chuck Norris, with his last ounce of strength, roundhouse-kicks himself back in time to avoid being in a fight with someone far superior. Dingoes watch and learn.
  • 2006 - President George W. Bush is confused on why an Oz farmer would name his dog "Dingo". Puppetmaster Cheney tries to explain, but then gets fed up and shoots a friend in the face.
  • 2009 - Mount Everest a splode.

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Godzilla Japan Flag

August 18: Everybody Run From the Godzilla Attack Day

  • 644 - A prodigious comet appears in the sky, in the shape of a rock. The rock magically flies through the sky, before it lands in ancient Greece and kills a busload of time-travelling nuns.
  • 1868 - French astronomer Pierre Jules César Janssen discovers helium. Initially, he had a difficult time explaining the gas producing process without evoking gales of laughter.
  • 1969 - Godzilla tries to attack France, but has to stop in Tokyo to ask for directions.
  • 1989 - The Who, working in conjunction with Godzilla, trash several hotel rooms in Wales and Scotland. The Isle of Man is never seen again.
  • 1990 - Godzilla attacks Paris, humping the Eiffel Tower twice before being driven back into the sea.
  • 1991 - Godzilla attacks Paris again, this time bringing flowers. The Parisians surrender to his radioactive charm, and an evening of bliss is had by all.
  • 1992 - Godzilla once again attacks Paris, leaving fifty-three successive messages on the answering machine of the Ile de la Cite, each one more angry and irrational than the last. Paris gets a restraining order. In a blind, drunken confusion, Godzilla attacks a department store in Rome. Mothra and Mechagodzilla are called to drive the heartbroken beast home.
  • 1993 - Princess Diana pre-dies.
  • 1999 - Cape Breton declares an open nuclear war on the Y2K bug subsequently pounding it into oblivion. Eminent scientists have confirmed this as the reason why much speculation about the threat of Y2K was ultimately unfounded.
  • 2006 - Way more people die than usual.
  • 2007 - The Canso Causeway, forever asserting the will of mainland Nova Scotia against Cape Breton, is melted in my microwave.
  • 2010 - Godzilla sends a passive-aggressive text message to Paris, asking if it wants its copy of High Fidelity back or if he should just throw it away.

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Knockdoe

FOR THE KING

August 19: Battle of Knockdoe Day

  • 1501 - The de Burghs and Fitzgeralds agree to have a glorious battle in Knockdoe next year.
  • 1502 - Ulick Burke too hung over to remember what day it is; Gerald Fitzgerald is "super pissed" that he didn't show up.
  • 1503 - Gerald Fitzgerald is too hung over to attend the battle; Ulick Burke calls him a damn hypocrite.
  • 1504 - The Battle of Knockdoe: a bunch of Normans and Irish chop each other to pieces, probably forever altering English history or something.
  • 1524 - Studies show that fewer than 1% of schoolchildren have ever heard of the Battle of Knockdoe.
  • 1692 - Salem witch trials: five witches are put to death, reducing the witch population of Salem by approximately 40%.
  • 1919 - Afghanistan gains independence from the United Kingdom, bringing an end to the Second Battle of Knockdoe.
  • 1944 - World War II: Paris is liberated from German occupation in what is considered a stunning re-enactment of the Battle of Knockdoe.
  • 1952 - Jonathan Frakes, an actor who portrayed William Riker, is born in order to commemorate the 448th anniversary of the Battle of Knockdoe.
  • 1991 - Collapse of the Soviet Union: Mikhail Gorbachev placed under house arrest while watching a docudrama about the Battle of Knockdoe.
  • 1994 - Linus Pauling dies of massive vitamin C overdose in an event completely unrelated to the Battle of Knockdoe.
  • 2004 - Quinticentennial celebration of the Battle of Knockdoe: it is said to be "pretty fucking awesome" despite no one showing up.
  • 2005 - A lonely tourist kisses the Blarney Stone, ends up in extended makeout session.
  • 2010 - The parish of Lackagh, former site of the Battle of Knockdoe, is found to be infested with stinking drunken Irishmen.

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Elvis lives

August 20: International Random Elvis Sighting in Uncyclopedia Articles Day

  • 800 A.C. - Oscar Wilde founds Uncyclopedia by creating articles with random titles, all redirecting to Elvis.
  • 1804 - Lewis and Clark go on their famed Raping Expedition. The name causes controversy until it's discovered to be an innocent expedition to sell rapeseed to the Inuits and then have nonconsensual sex with their daughters.
  • 1977 - Elvis takes a killer shit.
  • 1991 - Fewer than infinity people rally outside the Soviet Union's parliament building protesting the placement of Elvis' portraits throughout Mikhail Gorbachev's Uncyclopedia article.
  • 1998 - The Empire strikes back, bombing Uncyclopedia with random pictures of nude Elvis, in retaliation to Elvis bombing the Empire's embassy on Earth on August 7 protesting against deleting his Uncyclopedia article by an admin who claimed the Elvis article to be a "non-notable vanity page by an anonymous Force spirit".
  • 2000 - Monkeys go on strike against corrupt banana companies. Elvis calls out to fans for a total banana boycott.
  • 2002 - U.S. Marines find traces of peanut butter-banana sandwiches and methamphetamines in a cave near Kabul along with a written note: "Osama has left the building".
  • 2005 - Numerous Uncyclopedia articles are vandalized to denote a random sighting of the King in the article.
  • 2006 - Numerous UnNews articles are vandalized by replacement with a story about Afghan police being bombed, apparently in an attempt at a badly-overstretched joke based on previous two sightings.
  • 2013 - Someone thinks they see you shaking your hips while wearing blue suede shoes, but it turns out to be Elvis.
  • 2015 - Elvis announces his intent to run for president of the US stating that he will only communicate from an undisclosed location via electronic voice transmissions.
  • 2050 - Someone thinks they see Elvis, but realizes that he's probably dead by now.

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OverThere

Look mom!! Look!! Look!!

August 21: International "Look Over There!" Day

  • 4002 BCE - Adam and Eve become aware of their nakedness; Eve asks Adam why he is staring at her breasts. Adam shouts "Look over there!" and runs away, thus inventing The Oldest Trick in the Book.
  • 3998 BCE - Adam tells Eve her shoelaces are untied and flicks her in the nose, thus inventing The Second-Oldest Trick in the Book.
  • 27 CE - Jesus says he sees a giant killer land shark, uses the distraction to grab many loaves and fishes from his wagon.
  • 1458 - A small child in London shouts "Look, a duck!" whilst pointing in the air to buy himself enough time to rob the city while the population is staring pointlessly at the sky.
  • 1831 - While picking cotton, Nat Turner shouts "Look at all those aboltionists!" and runs away, successfully escaping slavery.
  • 1832 - Nat Turner hanged.
  • 1911 - Louvre employee remarks "My stars, what is that," steals Mona Lisa.
  • 1940 - Leon Trotsky is killed with a pickaxe in Mexico. His last name reminds me of a horse.
  • 1959 - President Dwight D. Eisenhower exclaims "That woman is topless!", signs Hawaii into statehood while everyone is distracted.
  • 1967 - Carrie-Anne Moss distracts mother long enough to escape from uterus.
  • 1976 - Korean War: Operation Paul Bunyan takes place. An American invasion force is distracted when North Koreans yell "Look at that giant tree," causing angry Marines to forget their mission and focus on chopping it down.
  • 1995 - Monica Lewinsky screams "Oh no, a vast right-wing conspiracy," fellates Bill Clinton while he's looking around exclaiming "Where? Where?"
  • 2003 - Edna Turnington of Gloucestershire purchases seven pounds of ground beef.
  • 2010 - HOLY CRAP THERE'S A GIANT SPIDER ON THE WALL BEHIND YOU!
  • 2011 - US government tells citizens, "Look over there at all those bad people in the Middle East!" While the population looks on to see what happens, their income tax is raised to 99%.

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CaptObviousTitanic

August 22: Obvious Day (24-hour period to celebrate the recognition of things which are readily apparent)

  • 1492 - First encounter between Native Americans and Europeans. "I think these guys are up to no good," the local shaman remarks after being promptly shot.
  • 1717 - Spanish troops land on Sardinia. Having forgotten the can opener, they promptly leave.
  • 1939 - The Third Reich and the Nazis continue their march across Europe. This is bad.
  • 1940 - As the Germans invade Belgium in WWII, some guy thought "This seems somehow familiar."
  • 1945 - Nazis defeated. This is good.
  • 1948 - Jewish state of Israel founded in the predominantly Arab Middle East. This will later cause problems.
  • 1966 - Captain Obvious is born. Doctor proclaims, "It's a boy," because the child has a penis.
  • 1973 - Brutal, murderous dictator Augusto Pinochet takes control over Chile. "I bet the CIA is helping this guy," says a random intellectual just before being abducted by a group of soldiers.
  • 2001 - Like we didn't see it coming. What the fuck.
  • 2003 - People realize that George W. Bush is an idiot.
  • 2012 - People actually acknowledge that the Titanic was in fact not unsinkable.

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NASAenrty

Yoo'd thinke rockit siontists wud nowe howe two spel...

Agest 23: Mizspeeeling Dá

  • 1337 - Mispeelerz ariv in Inglend frum Russya.
  • 0 AD/BC - Eye thinck evreethin izz speltt write heer.
  • 1691 - Emhliz iz inbentred.
  • 1914 - A HoOL BUCHN UF n00bers IZ KIL3D At T3H WWW!1!
  • 1700 - Mispeeelrz arriv n tha Untied Stapez frum Inglend.
  • 1866 - Prusha defeeded Ostreea in the Ostro-Prushun Woar, and dizolvd the Jermun Confedurashun.
  • 1961 - AOL iz inbentred.
  • 1973 - Fcuk cpatalizes on avnat grad mispsellrs.
  • 1993 - Peter Cook adbucted and kiled by spase otters.
  • 1994 - Selpl Chk is invented.
  • 1999 - Nustradumas's pradected yeer of tha ind uv tha wurld uv mispelllerz.
  • 2006 - World famus threadboard /b/ got AYDs.
  • 2008 - Teh SpellCheck eez majde.
  • 2010 - Howazaaaaaaaaaatt! Umprie reeplize "dat is gud".
  • 2026 - ZOMG!! Wurld Supliz ov Dikchunarees Ar deztroid, rezerektin misspllin!!elevn.
  • End of time - weezall gon a dye!

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Punch a donkey

August 24: Punch-a-Donkey-for-Jesus Day, Gatesmas (United States), Lysdexiac Awarenses Weke Ends

  • 1456 - The printing of the Gutenberg Bible is completed by Steve Gutenberg.
  • 1463 - Portuguese is discovered to be mispronounced Spanish.
  • 1561 - Willem of Orange marries Duchess Anna of Sherbert.
  • 1853 - Potato chips are invented. This is hailed as a triumph, as it will finally permit people to get rid of the vast mountains of dip that clog the streets of Europe.
  • 1898 - Earth is discovered to have a caramel center.
  • 1985 - Windows 95 is released.
  • 1996 - Anniversary of Windows 95: the first Gatesmas. Consumers celebrate by showering gifts on Bill Gates' house, including old fruit, bricks, dead cats and plastic explosives.
  • 1988 - Einstein formulates his award-winning theorem time = money.
  • 1991 - Top astro-economists determine that Einstein's theorem time = money cannot be reconciled with the recent developments in quantum economics.
  • 1997 - Speaking in front of 600,000 people in Washington, D.C., Phil Collins proclaims that he doesn't care anymore.
  • 2001 - Samuel L. Jackson punches a donkey so hard that Jesus decides to induct him into heaven. Jackson declines the offer because Jesus refuses to let him bring his trademark "Bad Mother Fucker" wallet.
  • 2009 - George Bush is arrested for poking badgers with spoons.
  • 2011 - Barack Obama wins the Donkey Punching award by simply sitting in the Oval Office. This is also how he won his Nobel Peace Prize.
  • 2013 - Eeyore punches Winnie the Pooh; Jesus is pissed.

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Oscar

August 25: Spurious Oscar Wilde Quote Day, Fake Stuff Made of Potatoes Day

  • 1385 - Pringles are invented.
  • 1390 - Sir Sean Connery, Highlander, is born.
  • 1456 - Nostradamus says "a man who loves all other men will one day say 'yet each man kiss the thing he loves'". It is thought to be referring to Oscar Wilde until 1985.
  • 1475 - Pringles proven to not be so good that when you pop, you can't stop.
  • 1476 - Pringles try to take over the world, but fails due to having a lack of military power.
  • 1480 - After its earlier failure, Pringles declares itself to be a religious leader and starts the movement known as Pringlism.
  • 1835 - The New York Moon prints an article claiming that life has been discovered on the Sun, thus perpetrating the Great Sun Hoax.
  • 1918 - Leonard Bernstein is born a second time.
  • 1985 - Elton John completes one of his sentences with "...yet each man kiss the thing he loves". Nostradamus interpreters apologize.
  • 1988 - In the single greatest scandal in Oscar Wilde quote history, Bill Cosby fabricates a record 2,994 spurious Oscar Wilde quotes. He comes up short of his goal of 3,000 when it is found that he stumbled upon six real ones previously undiscovered by scientists.
  • 1992 - 1942 is invented, then thrown out for being too racist.
  • 1993 - The Sour Cream and Onion Pringlians are killed in Waco, Texas during an assault by Baked Lays.
  • 2005 - "Numerous spurious Oscar Wilde quotes appear throughout the Uncyclopedia." ~ Oscar Wilde on Spurious Oscar Wilde Quote Day

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Nun Monkey Boxing

August 26: Creationism Vs. Evolution Annual Boxing Match Day, International Ameobic Birthday

  • 200,000,000,000,000,000 BCE - God creates existence. By creating existence, and simultaneously existing before existence, He created a paradox that came alive and tore a hole in the universe. Out of that hole, several thousand extremely surprised roadside diner waitresses named "Tiff" floated out and suddenly (and not that surprisingly) die of asphyxiation.
  • 12,032 BCE - The wheel is invented by Sally and Bill Thompson from Scunthorpe, UK.
  • 5000 BCE - Creationists devolve from Homo sapiens.
  • 1303 - Ala-ud-din Khilji wins Chittoor. It was behind door number 3.
  • 1567 - A great feast held by Duke Crisco The Lard is held at his home in Edinburgh. The resulting mass cannibalism is attributed to the duke's great hunger for "Scots".
  • 1963 - August 26th is designated the official birthday of all ameobas by their UN Representative.
  • 1971 - The discovery that God created evolution makes scientists and theologians come together in a peace pact signed by the seventh incarnation of Charles Darwin, a slightly confused chimpanzee named BoBo, and the Mecha-Pope, a blue 1965 Oldsmobile named Oldsmobile Model #32415 Serial:45563901.
  • 1980 - The peace pact ends when Jerry Falwell decides to test everyone's faith by defying logic, saying that the entire universe was created in a 7 24 hour day period.
  • 1981 - The right wing nutjobs abandon science and logic to be creationists, while the liberal sissies abandon all hope of spiritual salvation and Heaven to be evolutionists.
  • 1990 - At a creation/evolution debate, creationists kick the evolutionist's asses when they use the argument: Where did the ball that started the big bang come from?
  • 1997 - God, seeing all the confusion between the creationists and evolutionists, reacts to it by doing absolutely nothing.
  • 2025 - A pastor begins to question creationism.
  • 2040 - After 60 years of pointless debates from 2 sides which both have truth, creationists and evolutionists come together once again and finally agree that God created evolution. There is now peace on Earth and everyone lives happily ever after.

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Day after tomorrow

August 27: The Day After Tomorrow

  • 1257 - Migration of both African and Indian elephants at the same time cause a shift in the poles, triggering the Little Ice Age.
  • 1650 - Both climate change deniers and proponents say nothing, mostly because they have frozen to death.
  • 1793 - French counter-revolution begins. Corian becomes the counter du jour.
  • 1832 - Sauk leader Black Hawk surrenders to U.S., never to be included in the DC Comics movie universe.
  • 1883 - Krakatoa explodes, hurling pumice, rubber ducks, loofahs and other bathing accessories over 150 miles.
  • 1905 - The science project volcano is invented, setting a bad example for real volcanoes.
  • 1928 - The Kellogg-Post Pact, renouncing oatmeal as an instrument of foreign policy, is signed by 60 cereal companies.
  • 1986 - Mt. St. Helens erupts again but this time in laughter.
  • 2002 - Armageddon starts.
  • 2002.5 - Armageddon nervous.
  • 2003 - Armageddon outta here.
  • 2004 - The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse win the Kentucky Derby in a dead heat.
  • 2009 - Scientists prove the real reason of global warming is the increasing group sex rate of Eskimos.
  • 2014 - The chickens come home to roost because that is what they do.
  • 2101 - All your base are belong to us.

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Mask oggle

August 28: International Horniness Day

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Baphomet

August 29: International Androgynous Goat-People Observance Day

  • 328,987 BCE - Goats evolve from dolphins, on time and under budget.
  • 240v AC- Electricity became the new fad in tribes.
  • 33 CE - St. John of Patmos has a wet dream.
  • 1189 - Ban Kulin writes The Charter of Kulin, which is later banned.
  • 1493 - Chet Columbus lands in Ohio.
  • 1862 - Second Battle of Bull Run. This time, Bruce Willis is brought in as lead actor in an effort to stimulate box office sales.
  • 1924 - The cheeseburger is invented in Cheeseburg, California.
  • 1927 - Helen Keller is born but doesn't even notice the difference.
  • 1942 - In response to World War II, ham is invented. Winston Churchill proclaims it "One small step for man, one giant leap for breakfast".
  • 1942 - Famed restaurant the Grease Hut opens it doors for the first time, collectively clogging arteries across the nation.
  • 1956 - In a remote corner of Canada, a moose teaches ice hockey to a pack of wolves.
  • 1972 - Pringles, the first tessellating potato snack, are invented in Leicester by mathematician Dr. Julius Pringles in order to save storage space in his tiny kitchen.
  • 1999 - The War of 1812 is fought by several confused historians. Albert Einstein is the special guest referee. Soundtrack available from Arista. Shown worldwide on Pay-Per-View. Presented by Snickers. "Hungry? Why Wait?"
  • 2005 - The Gulf Coast experiences light rainshowers and a moderate breeze, followed by giant armored penguins by late afternoon.
  • 2006 - The Antichrist comes, wearing a miniskirt and playing an accordion.
  • 2008 - The individual presumed to be The Antichrist was in fact the new Republican Party publicity director. Seems they dress in similar fashion.

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Dyslexic satan worshippers

August 30: Intentional Dyslexic Devil Worshipper Day

  • 1 BCE - Devil worship is invented by emo lord Hebert.
  • 986 - A devil worshipper gets tricked into selling his soul to God.
  • 1585 - Devil worshippers are saved from being burned at the stake after the inquisitor concludes they were only cursing "dog".
  • 1992 - Dyslexic devil worshippers name their religion the Church of Santa Ana.
  • 1994 - Eugene Victor Tombs begins his search for the horizon.
  • 1997 - Devil worshippers go to an apartment in New York for their pilgrimage to Stan.
  • 9199 - De vil foll woers f era KY2 com ptuer suh t down t o be teh end of a ll mnaknid. T om Cr uis e cure s Sa nat of his dysle xia thro ghu Sci en tolog y.
  • 2001 - Confused devil worshippers vandalize walls by spray painting 999 on them.
  • 2004 - Gorgoroth releases their new album. Dyslexic Satan worshipping becomes part of the new subgenre called "Tarzanic Black Metal".
  • 2005 - A dyslexic devil worshipper sells a sole to Santa.
  • 2010 - There are now over 900,000 dyslexic weevil dorshippers in the world.
  • 2015 - It is found that 60% of all dyslexic devil worshippers worship Santa, 30% worship Stan, and 10% worship Satin.
  • 3001 - The Answer to Life, The Universe, and Everything is discovered along with the question that it is the answer to. Simultaneous knowledge of both causes the Universe to vanish from existence, replaced by something even more bizarre.

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Daeg Rob Tyler

August 31: Anniversary of Rob Zombie's first Halloween

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