- 1,200,000,000,000,000,000 BC - The planet Mars is born.
- 1,199,999,999,999,999,999 BC - The planet Mars loses all its liquid water, all life dies out although there's none, and the planet turns red.
- 500,000,000,000,000 BC - The Big Bang thing happened although that tiny space carried the entire universe, and gravity was so strong, no bang could make that thing separate.
- 4,514,159,265 BC - Earth becomes a hot lava ball in the middle of nowhere.
- 8000 BC - Mars, The Roman God of War, is born. He is named after the planet.
- 1188 - The Earth cooled down and life multiplied way too quickly and ruined the entire planet.
- 1189 - Eleanor of Acquatine announces that she would hang her necklace from her nipples, but recinds her decision because "it would shock the children."
- 1420 - Johannes Gutenberg becomes a father - names firstborn son "Steve".
- 1468 - The Great Council of the Republic of Venice attempts to curb the power of the Council of Ten by cutting off one of its fingers.
- 1609 - Council of Antes declares that peas will henceforth be eaten with a fork.
- 1882 - First obscene phone call made; crude equipment mandates heavy breathing when careless whispers can not be heard.
- 1900 - Families all over the world clamor for Jell-O for their just deserts.
- 1962 - Lee Harvey Oswald fucks up first attempt to kill JFK so badly the attempt goes unnoticed until 1986, when a remodeling crew fixes the bullet hole.
- 1970 - The Partridge Family thinks it loves you, but what is it so afraid of?
- 1970 - An Environmental Teach-In attempts to celebrate Earth Day. The event was a miserable failure because it was discovered that Earth was actually created on September 26.
- 1981 - A second failed assassination attempt on Ronald Reagan takes place, the shooter's motive being Reagan's films which the shooter declared, "sucked".
- 1999 - Meatloaf declares that he would do anything for love, but under no circumstance would he do that. It turns out that 'that' refers to painting himself black and impersonating Al Jolson
- 2002 - WWE star 'The Rock' invents the ability to refer to himself in the fifth person, negating the need for the 1st, 2nd 3rd and 4th references.
- 2003 - A pretzel tries to assassinate president George W. Bush. The pretzel is arrested and later executed by garbage disposal.
- 2010 - Bill Gates logs on to Uncyclopedia and reads the Anniversaries page for April 22
- 2022 - Darth Vader gets his voice box fixed after decades of agony.
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