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Missstalin

April 16: Stationary Banana Slug Riding Day

  • 1560 BCE - Moses forgets to take his schizophrenia pills and begins to hear voices. He takes off from Ur, resulting in all of modern humanity's problems.
  • 1178 BCE - Odysseus, legendary King of Ithaca, returns to his kingdom after the Trojan War. Cornellians giggle uncontrollably.
  • 1855 - Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln enjoy a night of mad passionate love; sloppy seconds are had after Mr. Lincoln keeps his promise that the "South Shall Rise Again!"
  • 1867 - Queen Victoria considers ending her mourning phase, but continues on: "Why spoil a good time?"
  • 1878 - Joseph Stalin is born, immediately sending his parents to a gulag for birthing a monster.
  • 1889 - Future German dictator, Charles Spencer Chaplin, is born.
  • 1927 - It is a good day to be born if you are the leader of a world religion with the maddest gaze in human history.
  • 1934 - Eleanor Roosevelt uncharacteristically enjoys a hotdog.
  • 1943 - The first "Annual Miss Stalin-Look-Alike" contest is held in the Soviet Union. (pictured) Joseph Stalin wins unanimously.
  • 1953 - Desi Arnaz slaps Lucille Ball, calling her an 'estupit beach' on national television.
  • 1991 - The US federal law is passed forbidding driving while spreading cream cheese on a bagel.
  • 2006 - The Queen of England decrees that all Australians must wear cork underpants.
  • 2007 - Donald Trump pardons the 2007 "Annual Miss Stalin-Look-Alike" contest winner for her objectionable behavior after an "all-night session" behind closed doors.