Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/April

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April 1: April Fools' Day

  • 1926 - April Emily Fools is born to Herb and Emma Fools in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
  • 1930 - April begins her life outside the limelight when her sister Judith is born.
  • 1938 - At the age of twelve, Fools first shows an interest in baking when she helps her grandmother, the well-known Rose Fools, bake cookies.
  • 1942 - April suffers her first true heartbreak when her sister Judith makes the cheerleading squad over her, gets the lead in the school play, and steals her boyfriend Johnny on the same day.
  • 1944 - Fools lands her first job, working at a tank tread manufacturing plant in downtown Milwaukee.
  • 1947 - After a lengthy engagement, April marries Albert Cranston in Madison, Wisconsin.
  • 1952 - Upon the suggestion of a friend, April begins a small baked goods business from her own kitchen.
  • 1955 - April and Albert welcome their first child into the world: Richard Cranston, named after his paternal grandfather.
  • 1957 - The Cranston family welcomes their second child, Judy.
  • 1964 - Albert's job as a box factory floor supervisor requires the Cranstons to relocate to Fargo, North Dakota.
  • 1970 - April enjoys what she would later describe as 'the rush of a lifetime' when appearing on a local television program instructing children how to bake brownies.
  • 1978 - Albert and April become grandparents to Henry Cranston.
  • 1994 - April Emily Fools-Cranston passes away in her hometown of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Her birthday is declared a national holiday.view -

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Kittenbasket

April 2: National Refrigerator Day (Paraguay)

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Chalk angel

April 3: Vivaldi Appreciation Sunday

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April 4: National No Spamming Day (Iraq)

  • 3141 BC - The world's first great pi was baked. It took 3.141592654 years to eat.
  • 1581 - Francis Drake circumcised the world with an enormous 300 ft clipper
  • 1937 - Foodspam created to combat E-Spam.
  • 1949 - Iceland's blundered declaration of war on the USA leads to the accidental formation of NATO.
  • 1951 - The world's favourite missile, the Tomahawk, goes on sale in Wal-Mart.
  • 1969 - The band Nazareth (Lead by bassist/singer Jesus) releases their most critically acclaimed album, You Shall Not Spam.
  • 1469 - All calenders in the U.S. are set back 500 years
  • 1503 - Disneyland Central America opens in the Aztec city of Tenochtitlan.
  • 1589 - The first Burning man festival was held, there were no naked renaissance hippie survivors.
  • 1884 - First episode of The Simpsons premieres in stereoscopic format. Matt Groening makes ten cents in royalties and becomes one of the wealthiest bastards on the entire planet.
  • 1968 - That black guy got shot, and a bunch of u2 songs written about him.
  • 1975 - You really should have bought shares in Microsoft, which was formed on this day.
  • 1984 - President Ronald Reagan calls for an international ban on something or other, oh hell I can't remember.
  • 1986 - Some guy named Oliver North sells Girl Scout cookies to Iran and gives the profits to CNN.
  • 1992 - We all hated That Guy.
  • 1993 - This Guy laughs at Someone.
  • 2001 - The butterfly effect is proved in an ingenious experiment, causing devastating hurricane damage in China.
  • 2002 - Actor Mickey Rooney begins his process of decomposition.

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Kids fighting

April 5: National Bullying Day (Scotland), International Batman is Gay Day

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Lolomedusa

April 6: Arson Wednesday in the Nihilist Church of New Zealand

  • 648 BC - Earliest solar eclipse first recorded by Ancient Greeks quickly followed by large earthquake, suicide, and disease.
  • 1 AD - Baby Jesus flips off a goat, and the judges give him a 9.65.
  • 612 - Arab popstar Mohammed declares he is more popular than Jesus now.
  • 1522 - Mary had a little lamb. Yankee Doodle claims to be father.
  • 1593 - John Greenwood, English Congressionalist, hanged. His last words: "Get this fucking rope off of me!"
  • 1895 - Oscar Wilde was arrested in London for "acts of gross indecency". You can't make this stuff up.
  • 1896 - First modern olympic doping scandal discovered at Athens games.
  • 1900 - 20th Century is first described as "the worst ever".
  • 1999 - Chinese Democracy is released and subsequently pulled off shelves after the US Gov't denies reports of its existence.
  • 1917 - The USA declares war on germs.
  • 1934 - The first perpetual motion machine goes on sale in Pennsyltucky.
  • 1935 - AT&T formed. Its first disgruntled customer is created moments later.
  • 1955 - Hell freezes over, Devil skates to work.
  • 1957 - Three children die in Nuclear Attack after trying to hide in fake refrigerators.
  • 1985 - Video gaming is first cited as a precursor to juvenile delinquency.
  • 1992 - Fire reinvented due to poor quality performance.
  • 1992 - Isaac Asimov's batteries finally wear down. Perhaps the world's most famous robot, Asimov served more than 20 years on the [U.S.S. Enterprise]] under Captain Picard.
  • 1994 - Kurt Cobain's attempt to win a posthumous Grammy backfires tragically.
  • 1994 - Cyprian Niayamira, president of Burundi (1993-94), assassinated.
  • 1998 - Tom Jones Industrial Average closes above 9,000 for the first time.
  • 1999 - Billy Joel begins to amass his mole army beginning his inevitable rise to world domination.
  • 2009 - The creation of the Snuggler - to help solve world problems and heal terminally ill people back to health by snuggling.

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April 7: Beat your Spouse into a Bloody Pulp Day (Antartica)

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Dale holman bat

April 8: International Things That Rhyme With 'Bat' Day

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April 9: Stereotype Dismissal Day (France), Croissant & Beret Day (France)


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JuanValdez-icon

April 10: Smoke-'em-if-ya-got-'em Day


  • 1490 - Juan Ponce de Leon discovers the Fountain of Youth in Florida, shrugs and sets up a retirement community around it.
  • 1919 - Colombian guerrilla lord Juan Valdez invents coffee.
  • 1926 - Polio victim FDR still can't feel his legs; So he feels up Lucy Mercer instead.
  • 1952 - Kellogg's Cereals introduces Atomic-O's claiming that there are "Vitamins, minerals and Uranium 257 in each glowing bite."
  • 1959 - Basic Instinct starring Sharon Stone released.
  • 1962 - Billy finds papa's smokes, he's got 'em, he smokes 'em.
  • 1964 - Professor Andmaryann discovers Coconuts.
  • 1970 - Paul McCartney announces Beatles breakup, and everybody tokes.
  • 1989 - PPPPPPPP Emma Pie is birthed, not in a galaxy far far away, but near your local convenience store(Dairy).
  • 1996 - Tired of being ridiculed by fans, Michael Jackson finally admits, yes, it does matter whether you're black or white, and to get a pay raise, he turned white.
  • 2005 - Dennis Rodman's hair develops sentience, takes over South America.
  • 2006 - MIT scientist discover that "crack iz wack".
  • 2007 - Hundreds hurt in trying to grab bargains at After Easter Markdown Days Sale at KKK-Mart in Gritlyville, Missouri. "Oh, the humanity!"
  • 2012 - Al Gore drops out of presidential race after reveling photos of him and Michel Moore trading carbon offsets is published in the German magazine Siegessaeule

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April 11: National Backwards Helmet Day, International "EugeneKay's Penis Awareness Day"

  • 48 - Holy Belly Button Lint discovered in ditch near Golgotha.
  • 641 - Sliced bread invented.
  • 642 - Toast invented.
  • 643 - First slice of buttered toast dropped on floor.
  • 644 - Inventor of Toast and Sliced Bread is burned at the stake for Heresy and Witchcraft.
  • 1492 - First slice of jelly bread thrown into someone's face.
  • 1493 - First execution for accidentally throwing a slice of jelly bread into the face of the King
  • 1667 - The blind, impoverished John Milton sells the copyright of Paradise Lost for £10 and buys a Milkshake.
  • 1667 - On his way home John Milton is robbed; while lying devastated on the ground he heard the robber shouting victoriously "I Drink Your Milkshake!" while running away.
  • 1775 - Germany runs out of people to accuse of witchcraft and execute, and begins brainstorming on who to meaninglessly kill next.
  • 1904 - Albert Einstein discovers that he's related to his sister
  • 1905 - Einstein publishes a book about his relation and relationship with his sister and subsequently wins the Nobel prize.
  • 1965 - Sharon Stone turns 60.
  • 1969 - Satan invents Disco
  • 1984 - Mr. Rogers flips out and assassinates the Thomas the Tank Engine.
  • 1999 - Rain of Tears memorial, mass suicides after first showing of Gigli
  • 2009 - Somebody who actually cares for this holiday puts his helmet on backwards. His bike is immediately stolen because he can't see.
  • 2010 - EugeneKay's penis is featured all over Uncyclopedia

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April 12: Narcolepsy D....zzzzzz........ ay...zzzz..

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George Clinton

April 13: Gangster Rap Appreciation Day (United Spades of Amerika), Shower With Your Best Friend Day (Singapore), Smell Your Feet Day (Hong Kong)

  • 1 - Jesus Christ and the Buddha form the seminal gangster rap duo, Shakyamuni and the JC.
  • 1507 - First Yo Mamma joke told: Ye of whom ye were borne is so Fatte, She wase burnede as threescore witches rathere thanne One.
  • 1901 - Don Corleone and his Family form the Hip-Hop Band with the top-charted hits like "Keep da enemies fu'kin' closer." and "An Offa' ya motherfu'ka' can't refu'" believed to be the great influence for the words "gangster rap".
  • 1962 - First rap-related homicide is reported in Springfield, Nebraska.
  • 1976 - Richard Nixon is made available to catalogue shoppers for the first time.
  • 1979 - Da Pinky Foil released first gangster rap conceptual album "Da Ho" with a corperation of Fuhrer. They have a lot of hits such as "Another chic' in da ho." , "Hey you , nigga!" , "Yo! Momma" , "In da fest'" etc.
  • 1984 - Ingsoc releases minitrue-approved rap artist "Doubleplus Hardcore Niggaz". First song on the disc, "BB inflicts doubleplusgood wounds on proles" goes doublegood award, but band is disbanded after recording song "Fuck tha thoughtpolice"
  • 1985 - The space shuttle Challenger is dubbed "Unexplodable" by NASA at a news conference.
  • 1994 - Tupac Shakur goes platinum with his new album, "Nigga, Fuck, Fuck, Bitch, Nigga, Mothafucka, Ho, Bitch, Nigga, Fuck". Shakur thanks God.
  • 1995 - Tupac Shakur fakes his own death.
  • 1999 - Eminem becomes the unopposed best rapper alive. Tupac Shakur actually kills himself.
  • 2010 - EU demands cash from Iceland. Iceland sends ash - Europe buggered for weeks.

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Miracle whip

April 14: Pull My Finger Day (Smith Family Reunion)

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April 15: Auditoria Begins (IRS)

Marx1

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Missstalin

April 16: Stationary Banana Slug Riding Day

  • 1560 BC - Moses forgets to take his schizophrenia pills and begins to hear voices. He takes off from Ur, resulting in all of modern humanity's problems.
  • 1178 BC - Odysseus, legendary King of Ithaca, returns to his kingdom after the Trojan War. Cornellians giggle uncontrollably.
  • 1855 - Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln enjoy a night of mad passionate love; sloppy seconds are had after Mr. Lincoln keeps his promise that the South Shall Rise Again!
  • 1867 - Queen Victoria considers ending her mourning phase, but continues on: "Why spoil a good time?"
  • 1878 - Joseph Stalin is born.
  • 1889 - Future German dictator, Charles Spencer Chaplin, is born.
  • 1927 - A good day to be born if you are the leader of a world religion with the maddest gaze in human history.
  • 1934 - Eleanor Roosevelt uncharacteristically enjoys a hotdog.
  • 1943 - The first "Annual Miss Stalin-Look-Alike" contest is held in the Soviet Union. Joseph Stalin wins unanimously.
  • 1953 - Desi Arnaz slaps Lucille Ball, calling her an 'estupit beach' on national television.
  • 1972 - At the age of 69, actress Sharon Stone gets a star on the Walk of Fame.
  • 1991 - US federal law passed forbidding driving while spreading cream cheese on a bagel.
  • 2006 - The Queen of England decrees that all Australians must wear cork underpants.
  • 2007 - Donald Trump pardons the 2007 "Annual Miss Stalin-Look-Alike" contest winner for her objectable behavior.

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Jude

April 17: Genocide Appreciation Day

  • 50 AD - The Roman Empire invests in a program where Christians die for their own entertainment. Today, this program is known a Pay-Per-View.
  • 1783 - America wins its war for independence. Agrees to continue the British policy of deindianization.
  • 1525 - Cortéz kills all the dirty Aztecs and purifies Mexico by ordering his men to rape the Aztec women. All are thankful.
  • 1555 - After 18 months of siege, Siena surrenders to the Imperial army. The Republic of Siena is incorporated into the Grand Douche of The Dark Side. Italians begin tanning. Fist pump their way to the Coastal United States.
  • 1915 - The Armenian Genocide begins. Nobody cares.
  • 1932 - Joseph Stalin starves his own people as a "practical joke"; thousands die.
  • 1940 - Adolf Hitler attempts to cleanse Europe of Jews and other minority groups; instead his efforts create resistent minorities that will eat his flesh alive.
  • 1960-something - The Beatthose write "Hey Jude", a pro-genocidal song. Everyone loves it.
  • 1992 - While not really genocide related, Rodney King is found not guilty of beating two white policemen.
  • 1994 - The Rwandan Genocide begins. Tutsis and Tootsie Rolls alike are mass exterminated.
  • 2005 - In a World of Warcraft incident, several mages performed an online funeral for their friend who died IRL. During the ceremony, they were interrupted and all killed by a ruthless clan in a genocide-style extermination.
  • 2022 - The Americans decide to conquer and exterminate their not-so-friendly neighbours to the North, the Canadians.
  • 2023 - Two trains collide and kill 30022475656732992 people

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Sparklers

April 18: Dependence Day (Canada); International Throw A Baby In The Canal Day

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Billfinger

April 19: Clitoris Awareness Day Among gamers known as Explosion Day

  • 30,000 BC - The first clitoris is born.
  • 1559 - University of Padua, Italy recognizes the clitoris' existence.
  • 1775 - In a New York study on human sexual behavior, researches find the clitoris to be more important to female sexual pleasure than the actual vagina. Men with small penises find new hope.
  • 1907 - The first vibrator is introduced in France.
  • 1913 - The sale of vibrators are banned in France, due to electrical grid overload issues.
  • 1941 - Roberto Carlos, formerly Brazil's greatest manwhore (presently a widower), is born in Cachoeiro de Itapemirim. Many clitorii become excited.
  • 1957 - Oral sex becomes a popular alternative to intercourse. Condom sales decline.
  • 1969 - Clitoris piercing becomes a popular fad.
  • 1998 - Windows 98 is released. Memory leaks in the OS cause Bill Gates to be declared the "World's Biggest Clitoris".
  • 1990 - Clinton had oral sex with two girls from next door.
  • 2007 - Wikipedia Celebrates The First Ever International Main Page Huffing Day. [1]
  • 2007 - Aperture Science launches their Bring-your-daughter-to-work day, which is the perfect time to have her tested for STDs.
  • 2011 - Aperture Science launches new official holiday, supposedly better than Christmas. Due to large numbers of explosions during the destruction of their facilities, the day is named Explosion Day. Nobody knows why.

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Weedpile

April 20: Hitler's Birthday (Germany), International Marijuana Day (Countries that use the M/D/Y date)

  • 420 - Thousands of marijuana users get throughly ripped as a once-in-a-lifetime numerical coincidence coincidentifies with a 75-times-in-a-lifetime num...where was I?
  • 571 - Cassius Clay born; later changes name to Muhammad, hails himself as "greatest prophet of all time, baby!"
  • 1607 - White settlers arrive at Jamestown, find nothing of value except some inedible, brown leaves and some equally inedible brown people, so they go home.
  • 1792 - France declares war on itself and surrenders.
  • 1814 - The War of 1812 begins, two years behind schedule.
  • 1889 - Adolf Hitler, perhaps best known for his genocide of the Jews brilliant artwork, is born.
  • 1889 - Adolf Hilter is certainly not born.
  • 1943 - France so despises Vichy Government that they do nothing to overthrow.
  • 1991 - A Very Brady Easter premires; Alice crucified to the songs of the Lovin Spoonful.
  • 1993 - Al Gore invents the Environment
  • 1994 - A fireworks display in Oklahoma City goes horribly wrong; bystander blamed and later executed.
  • 1999 - Columbine high school opens the very first high school shooting range in the United States.
  • 2007 - Cho Seung-Hui is welcomed in Hell. Even Satan is not amused.
  • 2008 - Hitler given a Cookie Monster shirt by Jim Henson for his birthday.
  • 2012 - The largest Marijuana festival is held in San Francisco, California with as many as a billion pot smokers attended
  • 2014 - The time code was discovered and the code is 3.141592653589793238462643383279

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Romulan Thumb

April 21: Rome's Birthday (Italy) 1700 BC Emperor Palpatine kills Jamie Lynn Spears and then uses the Force to get Shmi Skywalker pregnant with Anakin.

  • 753 BC - Rome is founded by Romulus and Remus after building it in a day.
  • 754 BC - The Romulans declare an uneasy truce with the rest of the humans on Earth.
  • 949 BC - A group of Romulans unable to get dates known as the 'vool-cahns' decide to leave Earth and start their own planet.
  • 1349 - The Spanish Inquisition is not expected.
  • 1350 - A Belgian man expects the Spanish Inquisition, and is promptly beaten to death.
  • 1684 - Isaac Newton proposes the idea of "gravity". It is rejected by the non-seculars, and Newton is laughed at and beaten.
  • 1700 - Mr. T pities another fool.
  • 1792 - Tiradentes, a revolutionary who was leading a movement for Brazil's independence, is hanged and quartered in an exciting event at the Superdome.
  • 1836 - Sam Houston royally teabagged Santa Anna and his sleepy Mexicans
  • 1900 - Creamed corn is deemed just thing to spice up that Sunday dinner.
  • 1918 - French whores rejoice: "The Yanks Are Cumming" proves true and profitable.
  • 1944 - Horses in France receive the right to vote.
  • 1955 - Bob Hope decides this radio thing is old and busted. If only he knew.
  • 1966 - The Girl from Ipanema is discovered to be like a samba that, swings so cool and sways so gentle, that when she passes each one she passes goes "a-a-ah!
  • 2003 - Homosexuals finally learn to use a keyboard with two hands.
  • 2006 - April 21st decides to change its name to July 14th. July 14th does not approve and in retaliation changes its name to August 25th, and refuses to acknowledge the month of April any more - this leads to a mass surge in calendar production when everyone takes sides - April lovers stick to the original 12 month calendar, whereas July fanciers take up a new streamlined 11 month number. With pictures of kittens on it. Everything goes back to normal the next day when Mr. T pities April 21st.
  • 2008 - John Prescott admits to his bulimia being fraudulent after being caught on a 72 hour Pizza Hut binge.
  • 2009 - George Bush expects the Spanish Inquisition, and is shot by a Muslim.
  • 2010 - The Spanish Inquisition expects the Spanish Inquisition, and is promptly befuddled resulting in an impromptu tea/river dance party that leads to the very fabric of space and time ripping apart. The noitisiuqnI hsinapS meanwhile is not amused.
  • 2023 - Galactic Emperor Sthnog takes his seat as Supreme Ruler of the Milky Way.
  • 2167 - The IBO fails to send Final Exams to examinators across the world, resulting in final year IB students having to wait for another year in order to graduate from the IB.
  • 2170 - Mr. T pities yet another fool. Pudding is declared the staple food in Ethiopia. Barack Obama coins the term "Barak you like a hurricane!"

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2003-22-a-web

April 22: National Try To Assassinate The President Day (United States of America), Mars Day (Mars)

  • 1,200,000,000,000,000,000 BC - The planet Mars is born.
  • 1,199,999,999,999,999,999 BC - The planet Mars loses all its liquid water, all life dies out although there's none, and the planet turns red.
  • 500,000,000,000,000 BC - The Big Bang thing happened although that tiny space carried the entire universe, and gravity was so strong, no bang could make that thing separate.
  • 4,514,159,265 BC - Earth becomes a hot lava ball in the middle of nowhere.
  • 8000 BC - Mars, The Roman God of War, is born. He is named after the planet.
  • 1188 - The Earth cooled down and life multiplied way too quickly and ruined the entire planet.
  • 1189 - Eleanor of Acquatine announces that she would hang her necklace from her nipples, but recinds her decision because "it would shock the children."
  • 1420 - Johannes Gutenberg becomes a father - names firstborn son "Steve".
  • 1468 - The Great Council of the Republic of Venice attempts to curb the power of the Council of Ten by cutting off one of its fingers.
  • 1609 - Council of Antes declares that peas will henceforth be eaten with a fork.
  • 1882 - First obscene phone call made; crude equipment mandates heavy breathing when careless whispers can not be heard.
  • 1900 - Families all over the world clamor for Jell-O for their just deserts.
  • 1962 - Lee Harvey Oswald fucks up first attempt to kill JFK so badly the attempt goes unnoticed until 1986, when a remodeling crew fixes the bullet hole.
  • 1970 - The Partridge Family thinks it loves you, but what is it so afraid of?
  • 1970 - An Environmental Teach-In attempts to celebrate Earth Day. The event was a miserable failure because it was discovered that Earth was actually created on September 26.
  • 1981 - A second failed assassination attempt on Ronald Reagan takes place, the shooter's motive being Reagan's films which the shooter declared, "sucked".
  • 1999 - Meatloaf declares that he would do anything for love, but under no circumstance would he do that. It turns out that 'that' refers to painting himself black and impersonating Al Jolson
  • 2002 - WWE star 'The Rock' invents the ability to refer to himself in the fifth person, negating the need for the 1st, 2nd 3rd and 4th references.
  • 2003 - A pretzel tries to assassinate president George W. Bush. The pretzel is arrested and later executed by garbage disposal.
  • 2010 - Bill Gates logs on to Uncyclopedia and reads the Anniversaries page for April 22
  • 2022 - Darth Vader gets his voice box fixed after decades of agony.

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Worldsnooker
April 23: Bring Your Penis To Work Day
  • 303 - St. George takes his penis to beat the dragon with. Dragon turns out to be into that kinda stuff.
  • 1179 - Richard the Lionhearted attempts to engage King Philip of France in a penis sword fight; "Homo you don't!" replies Philip.
  • 1538 - Truce of Nice: Emperor Charles V and Francis I of France agree that the terms foreskin and prepuce are interchangeable.
  • 1562 - Elizabeth I vows not to take a penis to work, or her bed chamber.
  • 1875 - Queen Victoria outlaws the word penis; decrees henceforth the organ shall be known as "Naughty Mr. Johnson".
  • 1905 - The Royal Society compare penis sizes. Von Lynchenstein had the largest penis.
  • 1909 - Czarina Alexandra beholds Rasputin's penis and won't let go.
  • 1932 - California gets filled with the world's stockpile of penises.
  • 1941 - Lead singer from Lordi enters a beauty contest against a penis. Penis wins.
  • 1953 - Queen Elizabeth II announces that she shall confer upon the penis the title of Sir.
  • 1967 - Bono is voted the "World's Biggest Penis".
  • 1968 - Flower Power is replaced by Wind Power, and all the petals are blown away.
  • 1971 - Penis arrives in the Castro.
  • 1975 - President Gerald Ford announces that the Vietnam War is over, after an unfortunate misunderstanding over the soldiers running around with their penises in their hands.
  • 1982 - ZX Spectrum released to the public, keyboard made completely of recycled condoms.
  • 1993 - Bill Clinton becomes the first USA president since JFK to bring his penis to the white house.
  • 2005 - The B-lizard's penis freezes and falls off. Adventure Quest voted the best game ever made by stoners.
  • 2008 - Your mom forgets to pack your penis in your lunchbox. You get teased the rest of the day.
  • 2009 - Tiger Woods brings his penis all over the place, including a Perkins Restaurant.

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Myasshurts
April 24: The Feast of Maximum Occupancy, Zombie Jesus Day (Christians and Eggnogstics)
  • 33 - Zombie Jesus rises from his tomb and partially devours the brains of his apostles, resulting in most of the inane ramblings in The New Testament.
  • 89 - Pope Clement I celebrates the first Zombie Jesus Day by decreeing that people consume copious amounts of high cholesterol in the form of chocolate and painted chicken embryos.
  • 1353 - Badger maulings reach record levels in Europe.
  • 1704 - The first regular newspaper is published in America: The Boston New-Letter, containing overly-opinionated columns and hyped-up headlines. Circulation soars.
  • 1856 - The word 'chairman' is introduced to the Oxford English Dictionary as 'A person with a proclivity to stand sitting'.
  • 1862 - The Amerikan Sivil Whar on spelling begins, the letter u in color being the first victim.
  • 1981 - IBM create the first known evil computer.
  • 1982 - IBM reveals computer wasn't "evil", it was just running a Microsoft operating system.
  • 1984 - Apple builds the world's first do-nothing computer.
  • 1986 - Time begins, to the disappointment of trillions.
  • 1995 - The most amazing child on earth was born
  • 2000 - Fat-free chips withdrawn from supermarket shelves in the UK due to risk of intestinal implosion.
  • 2005 - George W. Bush declares, "America is officially full." Congress approves bypass for Haitian boatpeople to row to Canada.
  • 1995 - The most amazing child on earth was born
  • Today - You eat too much food and spend five hours on the toilet thinking of Uncyclopedia jokes.

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Obese

April 25: National Obesity Appreciation Day

  • 0 - The world's first April 25th was celebrated. Nostradamus predicts the world's first April 26th to occur a day later. He later predicts the birth of Jimbo Wales and the creation of Wikipedia, but no one believes him due to the idea of both being so stupid.
  • 908 - A horde of plus-sized Vikings raid the east coast of Britain and set up a new IKEA store.
  • 1301 - First known use of the phrase "I don't give a shit" thought to have been said somewhere around London, England.
  • 1607 - Dutch Commando Dykes led by Hans Solo destroy the anchored Spanish fleet.
  • 1847 - The last survivors of the Donner Party are out of the wilderness. Shortly after, the first McDonners resturant opens. First item on the menu: McRib.
  • 1862 - The worlds first battery operated fork is created; two million die during its first use.
  • 1859 - Ground is broken for the Suez Canal. Israelis and Egyptians immediately begin fighting over who owns the hole.
  • 1915 - Australians invade Turkey, only to piss off next year.
  • 1918 - Turks invade Australia, but have stayed permanantly to drive taxis.
  • 1921 - Fattest US president in history, William Howard Taft, eats a steak.
  • 1950 - The Michelin Man Ii born.
  • 1955 - The first McDonalds is opened.
  • 1956 - "Obesity" is a recognized health problem.
  • 1957 - Overweight Appreciation day is upgraded to Obesity Appreciation Day, whilst Overweight Appreciation Day changes to 25th December.
  • 1986 - First annual (and only) all-night Soviet Power Plant Workers' Tetris competition held.
  • 1990 - Astronauts deploying the Hubble Space Telescope drop it on the way out the door, knocking it slightly out of focus.
  • 2003 - The International Federation of Dentists cancel all appointments for the month of August, in protest that floss and tooth picks, are not bar-coded.

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Hyperbole Day

April 26: Hyperbole Day

  • Millions of years ago - Hyperbole day founded in the most spectacular ceremony since the dawn of time.
  • 1756 - The exclamation mark is born on this fantastic day.
  • 1834 - The best day in all of history! There'll never ever be another day like it! It's amazing!
  • 1901 - President Teddy Roosevelt mounts his wife: BULLY!
  • 1922 - Warren G. Harding's popularity at an all time high! New York Times: "Harding is the Best President Ever!"
  • 1928 - Canadian dollar tops U.S. Dollar in World Markets!
  • 1935 - Champaign Toasts and Caviar Dreams great newborn Robin Leach!
  • 1944 - Concentration Camp deaths in Poland reach a new zenith! Hitler asks, Who knew Jews could be so results oriented?
  • 1965 - The mildest day in the history of the universe. No other day was as mild. Ever.
  • - The worst day in the history of the universe, so much so that no one mentioned it and so we no longer know when it was. But we do know that it was some time between 1965 and 1988.
  • 1986 - Ronald Reagan stays awake for an entire cabinet meeting!
  • 1988 - A group of the world most talented musicians come together to write the greatest song in the history of the world. It has a sound so astonishingly incredible and so incredibly beautiful that people come from all over the world just to hear it played at its one and only live performance at the grandest stadium in the world, the Metrodome.
  • 1990 - Oprah is so hungry she could eat a horse. Twice!
  • 2006 - Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy spewed out sperm so high it touched the stars.
  • 2007 - The best night I've ever had. Ever!
  • 2011- I just had sex. And it felt so good. Ya know a woman let me put my penis inside her. Say goodbye to cats !
  • 2016 - You became a 1337 haxor for 5 seconds before going back to being a n00b.

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Pigs

April 27: Eat a Live Piglet Day (Schenectady, New York; Griffin, Georgia)

  • 1124 - King David the Lastnameless takes the throne of Scotland
  • 1294 - Scotland calls Franch a bunch of pussies. Angry grumbling ensues.
  • 1368 - The Big Bad Wolf is found guilty of vandalism and mouth robbery, and is sentenced to 30 hours of social work.
  • 1509 - Pope Julius II places the Italian state of Venice under interdict. The interdict arose from finding the state warm and moist.
  • 1521 - Magellan arrives in the Philippines. The locals invite him in for dinner.
  • 1555 - You are born, but die of cholera by age eight. You don't remember this previous life because you were born a moron.
  • 1945 - USA and USSR meet for the first time in Germany, starting a love affair to last several decades.
  • 1949 - Texas becomes the first US State to outlaw Cheese, following the discovery of a Soviet covert chedder ring operating in Houston.
  • 1966 - NASA scientists propose using Dusty Springfield's 11-mile tall bouffant to get to the moon.
  • 1981 - I got laid!
  • 1984 - The Libyan Embassy in London is taken hostage by a VW campervan, ending in the shooting of Dr Emmett Brown.

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April 28: Amateur Internet Porn Day

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April 29: Annual Belly Button Lint Harvest

  • 2400 BC - In the earliest recorded instance of a Dear John letter, Cleopatra leaves her husband Caesar using a well-placed papyrus scroll.
  • 1862 - New Orleans falls to Union forces under Admiral David Farragut. Ironically, 100 years later, Union forces prove the eventual undoing of the manufacturing sector.
  • 1945 - The German military in Italy unconditionally surrenders to the Allies. Later, Allied forces would attribute their swift victory to the food allergies of the German forces, specifically to meatballs.
  • 1954 - On a dare, a group of drunken Oxford engineering students builds Stonehenge in just under 5 hours in the middle of the night.
  • 1968 - The controversial musical Hair, based on an Oscar Wilde work, opens on Broadway.
  • 1988 - Video kills the Radio Star. Video is promptly arrested.

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Hitlerbaby

April 30: Obscure Pop Cultural Reference Day

  • 1026 - The first casualty in the on-going Pirate-Ninja War of the Ages occurs.
  • 1794 - The Battle of Cat Boulou is fought. The French actually win one.
  • 1889 - Hitler rises.
  • 1945 - Hitler falls.
  • 1959 - Grandpa drops a mento into his glass of coke. Huge catastrophe occurs.
  • 1962 - Four legs found to be good, with two legs considered less favourably.
  • 1969 - Vietnam Vets declare "You weren't there man!" for the first time.
  • 1989 - Some proles invent "New Wave of Ingsoc Heavy Metal" Minitrue approved , with BB. , doubleplusgood.
  • 1997 - I for one welcomed our insect overlords.
  • 2001 - HAL declares "I'm sorry, Dave, but I cannot touch this."
  • 2005 - Frank Joseph Snape gets away with the murder of ex-girlfriend Debbie Dumbledore, despite the fact that everybody already knew about it.
  • 2010 - '1001 things to do with a flaming appendage' ousts the bible as the most famous and successful book of all time.
  • 2019 - Road Rules Mars begins broadcasting, MTV immediately cancels the series after all participants including filming crew are killed by an asteroid.
  • 2056 - Harry Potter dies after a long battle with imaginary herpes!

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