Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/April
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April 1: April Fools' Day
- 1926 - April Emily Fools is born to Herb and Emma Fools in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
- 1930 - April begins her life outside the limelight when her sister Judith is born.
- 1938 - At the age of twelve, Fools first shows an interest in baking when she helps her grandmother, the well-known Rose Fools, bake cookies.
- 1942 - April suffers her first true heartbreak when her sister Judith makes the cheerleading squad over her, gets the lead in the school play, and steals her boyfriend Johnny on the same day.
- 1944 - Fools lands her first job, working at a tank tread manufacturing plant in downtown Milwaukee.
- 1947 - After a lengthy engagement, April marries Albert Cranston in Madison, Wisconsin.
- 1952 - Upon the suggestion of a friend, April begins a small baked goods business from her own kitchen.
- 1955 - April and Albert welcome their first child into the world: Henry Cranston, named after his paternal grandfather.
- 1957 - The Cranston family welcomes their second child, Judy.
- 1964 - Albert's job as a box factory floor supervisor requires the Cranstons to relocate to Fargo, North Dakota.
- 1970 - April enjoys what she would later describe as 'the rush of a lifetime' when appearing on a local television program instructing children how to bake brownies.
- 1978 - Albert and April become grandparents to Henry Cranston Jr.
- 1994 - April Emily Fools-Cranston passes away in her hometown of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Her birthday is declared a national holiday.view -
April 2: National Refrigerator Day (Paraguay)
- 1111 - The Knights Templar came into being, as a clandestine drinking society.
- 1942 - Classic arcade title 1942 designed, rights to year purchased by Capcom.
- 1983 - Science invented by accident. Quickly swept into bedpan.
- 1984 - Miniluv put crimethink proles into fridge , remake them goodthink fullwise.
- 2002 - The U.S. Kitten Embargo begins as part of The War Against Terror
- 2005 - St. Peter's Basilica accidentally eats the Pope.
- 2005 - The first Expired Goods Festival is held.
- 2007 - The third Expired Goods Festival is held and abandoned, due to mutant foodstuffs eating exhibitors.
- 2008 - X-Men come to fight with mutant foodstuffs but later have found that they're the same kind as them. So they have good brotherly hug and leave.
- 2009 - Captain Obvious volunteer to fight mutant foodstuffs "Mutant foodstuffs is some foods that turn into monster." but found that they are all eaten by Grue and Oscar Wilde.
- 2010 - Wayne Rooney discovers second brain cell then asplodes after information overload.
- 2012 - The number two renamed "second one"
April 3: Vivaldi Appreciation Sunday
- 10,000,000 B.C - Grim Reaper born
- 468 BC - Hashish is patented by the Incas
- 1220 A.D. - The Dark Ages are briefly illuminated by a massive explosion in Syria
- 1666 - Sir Marquis Baron Vivaldi walk to the crossroad and sold his soul to Satan
- 1777 - Vivaldi wrote first Satanic backward message later stolen by Led-Zep dudes
- 1888 - Vivaldi return from Hell and compose new record "A Change of Four Season" later stolen by regressive metal band Dream Theater exclude the word "Four"
- 1945 - Someone proclaim that if you play John Cage's 4'33" backward you'll hear Vivaldi's 2nd Satanic message.
- 1948 - The Marshall Mathers plan to flood Europe with rap music commences.
- 1974 - Tornadoes sweep the U.S.A, inspiring the invention of the tumble drier.
- 1982 - Heavy Metal dude release Vivaldi's tribute album "Ultimate Classical Bong"
- 1986 - D.J. murder rate at all-time high, blamed on the provocative lyrics of a single by hardcore rap collective The Smiths.
- 1996 - The Unabomber is arrested for crimes against tasteful nomenclature.
- 1995 - Due to a Linux error, April 3 1997 actually starts in 1995.
- 2007 - "Bloody Vivaldi and the Martini Gore" the Baroque Death Metal Vivaldi's tribute band formed.view -
April 4: National No Spamming Day (Iraq)
- 3141 BC - The world's first great pi was baked. It took 3.141592654 years to eat.
- 1581 - Francis Drake circumcised the world with an enormous 300 ft clipper
- 1937 - Foodspam created to combat E-Spam.
- 1949 - Iceland's blundered declaration of war on the USA leads to the accidental formation of NATO.
- 1951 - The world's favourite missile, the Tomahawk, goes on sale in Wal-Mart.
- 1969 - The band Nazareth (Lead by bassist/singer Jesus) releases their most critically acclaimed album, You Shall Not Spam.
- 1469 - All calenders in the U.S. are set back 500 years
- 1589 - The first Burning man festival was held, there were no naked renaissance hippie survivors.
- 1968 - That black guy got shot, and a bunch of u2 songs written about him.
- 1975 - You really should have bought shares in Microsoft, which was formed on this day.
- 1984 - President Ronald Reagan calls for an international ban on something or other, oh hell I can't remember.
- 1992 - We all hated That Guy.
- 1993 - This Guy laughs at Someone.
- 2001 - The butterfly effect is proved in an ingenious experiment, causing devastating hurricane damage in China.
- 2002 - Actor Mickey Rooney begins his process of decomposition.
April 5: National Bullying Day (Scotland), International Batman is Gay Day
- 1614 - Pocahontas sells life story to Disney for a handful of plastic beads
- 1640 - King Charles I of England disbands the Short Parliament because "Who cares what happens to short people?"
- 1945 - USSR deploys troops in Yugoslavia to act as security at TATU gig.
- 1951 - Bob Hope gets laid. Again.
- 1955 - Winston Churchill gives up politics and goes into insurance.
- 1957 - Batman born.
- 1979 - Robin contracts Bat-AIDs
- 1980 - Bat-Condoms patented by Bruce Wayne.
- 1992 - Several hundred thousand abortion rights demonstrators march on top of babies in Washington D.C.
- 2000 - Global warming is first linked to the phenomenon of climate change.
- 2002 - Some guy points at that guy
- 2007 - Everyone remembers how totally gay batman was.
April 6: Arson Wednesday in the Nihilist Church of New Zealand
- 648 BC - Earliest solar eclipse first recorded by Ancient Greeks quickly followed by large earthquake, suicide, and disease.
- 1 AD - Baby Jesus flips off a goat, and the judges give him a 9.65.
- 612 - Arab popstar Mohammed declares he is more popular than Jesus now.
- 1522 - Mary had a little lamb. Yankee Doodle claims to be father.
- 1895 - Oscar Wilde was arrested in London for "acts of gross indecency". You can't make this stuff up.
- 1896 - First modern olympic doping scandal discovered at Athens games.
- 1900 - 20th Century is first described as "the worst ever".
- 1999 - Chinese Democracy is released and subsequently pulled off shelves after the US Gov't denies reports of its existence.
- 1917 - The USA declares war on germs.
- 1934 - The first perpetual motion machine goes on sale in Pennsyltucky.
- 1955 - Hell freezes over, Devil skates to work.
- 1985 - Video gaming is first cited as a precursor to juvenile delinquency.
- 1992 - Fire reinvented due to poor quality performance.
- 1994 - Kurt Cobain's attempt to win a posthumous Grammy backfires tragically.
- 1998 - Tom Jones Industrial Average closes above 9,000 for the first time.
- 1999 - Billy Joel begins to amass his mole army beginning his inevitable rise to world domination.
April 7: Beat your Spouse into a Bloody Pulp Day (Antartica)
- 65,000,000 BC - Raptor Jesus went extinct for your sins
- 1067 - the first ever Battle of Hastings re-enactment is fought.
- 1544 - Queen Elizabeth I starts her famous celebrity gossip column in The Times
- 1906 - Mt. Vesuvius erupts due to a bout of tectonic indigestion.
- 1954 - Jackie Chan born, Kung-fu kicks Your Mom
- 1969 - The Beatles publish their greatest work, the Communist Manifesto.
- 1988 - Sheryl Crow breaks $15,000 worth of crockery with one wave of her baseball bat.
- 2004 - Mike Tyson gets beaten with a three-round TKO by Jaleel White. Vegas bookies go bankrupt after millions place bet on Erkel.
- 2007 - Every Mozambique woman across Mozambiquia, burns down their houses in an act of defiance against the evil rule of Captain Birdseye.
- 2009 - Madonna adopts her 20 child from Africa.view -
April 8: International Things That Rhyme With 'Bat' Day
- 563 BC - Buddha is born. Under a tree he sat.
- 432 BC - Artemus of Capadocia introduces kitten huffing to the world when he huffs a small cat.
- 73 AD - Pliny the Elder records the first instance of fortune telling through analysis of scat.
- 1611 - A new sport is introduced when Swedish people use a cannon to launch a rat.
- 1935 - FDR signs Emergency Relief Appropriation Act, then dances a jig and falls flat.
- 1998 - Another explosion occurs in the usually serene inlet of Michael Bay, sounding like this: splat.
- 2006 - Conservapedia is founded and its editors immediately make such valid claims as 'the Earth is flat'.
- 2009 - Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal proves himself to be a prat.
April 9: Stereotype Dismissal Day (France), Croissant & Beret Day (France)
- 1812 - Pretentiousness makes its first appearance in Victorian England.
- 1832 - Captain Petey Widdershanks Blunderbub Shaleweather Monkeyturtle Johansen III obtains his first ship, and immediately sets sail in search of wenches and grog.
- 1865 - Confederate General Robert E. Lee surrenders himself to Union General Ulysses S. Grant. The two later wed in Vermont.
- 1877 - Oscar Wilde pens his play Salome: A Tragedy in One Act which describes his personal experience spilling milk on his favorite sweater.
- 1905 - The famous Bacon and Cheese Sandwich is envisioned; planning takes everal months.
- 1940 - Germany invades Norway and Denmark. Sweden feels left out.
- 1967 - Status Quo plays their first show, at the University of London. Diptheria is involved.
- 2005 - Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles wed, thus squashing rumors that Parker Bowles is a man.
- 2009 - You are reading this anniversaries entry, about to move on to the next one.
April 10: Smoke-'em-if-ya-got-'em Day
- 1490 - Juan Ponce de Leon discovers the Fountain of Youth in Florida, shrugs and sets up a retirement community around it.
- 1919 - Colombian guerrilla lord Juan Valdez invents coffee.
- 1926 - Polio victim FDR still can't feel his legs; So he feels up Lucy Mercer instead.
- 1952 - Kellogg's Cereals introduces Atomic-O's claiming that there are "Vitamins, minerals and Uranium 257 in each glowing bite."
- 1959 - Basic Instinct starring Sharon Stone released.
- 1962 - Billy finds papa's smokes, he's got 'em, he smokes 'em.
- 1964 - Professor Andmaryann discovers Coconuts.
- 1970 - Paul McCartney announces Beatles breakup, and everybody tokes.
- 1989 - PPPPPPPP Emma Pie is birthed, not in a galaxy far far away, but near your local convenience store(Dairy).
- 1996 - Tired of being ridiculed by fans, Michael Jackson finally admits, yes, it does matter whether you're black or white, and to get a pay raise, he turned white.
- 2005 - Dennis Rodman's hair develops sentience, takes over South America.
- 2006 - MIT scientist discover that "crack iz wack".
- 2007 - Hundreds hurt in trying to grab bargains at After Easter Markdown Days Sale at KKK-Mart in Gritlyville, Missouri. "Oh, the humanity!"
- 2012 - Al Gore drops out of presidential race after reveling photos of him and Michel Moore trading carbon offsets is published in the German magazine Siegessaeule
April 11: National Backwards Helmet Day, International 'I Drink Your Milkshake' Day
- 48 - Holy Belly Button Lint discovered in ditch near Golgotha.
- 641 - Sliced bread invented.
- 642 - Toast invented.
- 643 - First slice of buttered toast dropped on floor.
- 644 - Inventor of Toast and Sliced Bread is burned at the stake for Heresy and Witchcraft.
- 1492 - First slice of jelly bread thrown into someone's face.
- 1493 - First execution for accidentally throwing a slice of jelly bread into the face of the King
- 1667 - The blind, impoverished John Milton sells the copyright of Paradise Lost for £10 and buys a Milkshake.
- 1667 - On his way home John Milton is robbed; while lying devastated on the ground he heard the robber shouting victoriously "I Drink Your Milkshake!" while running away.
- 1775 - Germany runs out of people to accuse of witchcraft and execute, and begins brainstorming on who to meaninglessly kill next.
- 1904 - Albert Einstein discovers that he's related to his sister
- 1905 - Einstein publishes a book about his relation and relationship with his sister and subsequently wins the Nobel prize.
- 1965 - Sharon Stone turns 60.
- 1969 - Satan invents Disco
- 1984 - Mr. Rogers flips out and assassinates the Thomas the Tank Engine.
- 1999 - Rain of Tears memorial, mass suicides after first showing of Gigli
- 2009 - Somebody who actually cares for this holiday puts his helmet on backwards. His bike is immediately stolen because he can't see.
April 12: Narcolepsy D....zzzzzz........ ay...zzzz..
- 600 AB - Jesus takes a nap.
- 124 BC - Forgetting to file his taxes on time, Prometheus uninvents fire in an attempt to delay the deadline. The Sun foils his plans.
- 1022 - The Library of the Invisible Pink Unicorn is established in Sicily.
- 1943 - Jeremaiah Einstein was beaten with a really dirty stick while no one cared.
- 1945 - Orville Redenbacher begins work on The Manhattan Project.
- 1946 - Orville's rival begins work on The Ohio Project.
- 1955 - February's Groundhog leaves hole in total darkness, Spring decides not to come at all this year, skips straight to summer.
- 1966 - Celebration of the Birth of Christ. Again.
- 1967 - Che Guevara takes a nap and wakes up in a CIA prison in Bolivia.
- 1969 - Sharon Stone comes out of retirement to become, at 78, the oldest woman to circumnavigate Arnold Schwartzenegger.
- 1979 - Mel Gibson goes mad & eliminates a rogue biker gang.
- 1985 - Battleship has reached a new record of kids killed through eating the little plastic peices with their ice-cream, mistaking them for sprinkles.
- 2049 - Rainbow Brite task force counter attacks, defeating Lord Zarquon in an epic battle involving at least three spork battles.
April 13: Gangster Rap Appreciation Day (United Spades of Amerika), Shower With Your Best Friend Day (Singapore), Smell Your Feet Day (Hong Kong)
- 1 - Jesus Christ and the Buddha form the seminal gangster rap duo, Shakyamuni and the JC.
- 1507 - First Yo Mamma joke told: Ye of whom ye were borne is so Fatte, She wase burnede as threescore witches rathere thanne One.
- 1901 - Don Corleone and his Family form the Hip-Hop Band with the top-charted hits like "Keep da enemies fu'kin' closer." and "An Offa' ya motherfu'ka' can't refu'" believed to be the great influence for the words "gangster rap".
- 1962 - First rap-related homicide is reported in Springfield, Nebraska.
- 1976 - Richard Nixon is made available to catalogue shoppers for the first time.
- 1979 - Da Pinky Foil released first gangster rap conceptual album "Da Ho" with a corperation of Fuhrer. They have a lot of hits such as "Another chic' in da ho." , "Hey you , nigga!" , "Yo! Momma" , "In da fest'" etc.
- 1984 - Ingsoc releases minitrue-approved rap artist "Doubleplus Hardcore Niggaz". First song on the disc, "BB inflicts doubleplusgood wounds on proles" goes doublegood award, but band is disbanded after recording song "Fuck tha thoughtpolice"
- 1985 - The space shuttle Challenger is dubbed "Unexplodable" by NASA at a news conference.
- 1994 - Tupac Shakur goes platinum with his new album, "Nigga, Fuck, Fuck, Bitch, Nigga, Mothafucka, Ho, Bitch, Nigga, Fuck". Shakur thanks God.
- 1995 - Tupac Shakur fakes his own death.
- 1999 - Eminem becomes the unopposed best rapper alive. Tupac Shakur actually kills himself.
April 14: Pull My Finger Day (Smith Family Reunion)
- 13 - Repairs begin after worst Friday the 13th ever.
- 1215 - Magna Carta signed, giving the Red Baron the right to bake pizza on his warplane.
- 1500 - Michelangelo carves a statue out of marble out of an elephant carcass.
- 1654 - On this Sunday, by a freak coincidence, no-one turned up to church at all, anywhere. Excuses cited include "washing cart" and "wife pregnant".
- 1864 - Montgomery Schtumpf III develops cheap human blood substitute made from corn husks.
- 1930 - Hitler's girlfriend Eva Braun is born.
- 1936 - Hitler's girlfriend Eva Braun buys a "really cute armband" for the big rally.
- 1967 - Yoko Ono forms her renegade militant group "The Plastic Renegades" with the objective of destroying all good music in the universe.
- 1969 - Janis Joplin gives a "BJ" to my uncle.
- 1987 - Miracle Whip deemed "less than miraculous" by the FDA.
- 2007 - Captain obvious says "it's today."
- 2008 - Somebody was wrong *gasp!* on the internet.
- 2009 - Chocolate & Cunnilingus Day celebratedview -
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for, "OH SHIT!"?
April 15: Auditoria Begins (IRS)
- 1 (BC) - The IRS meets; thousands mourn.
- 1612 - Sidney Trammell, in the midst of a bad day, has a revelation that leads to the foundation of a new faith.
- 1726 - Potato chip invented; thousands gorge.
- 1912 - The Titanic was torpedoed by The Empire off the coast of Newfoundland. Icebergs are blamed.
- 1912 - Dozens of innocent Polar bears severely injured as their iceberg is struck by an overrated piece of metal.
- 1920 - The head of the IRS is arrested for tax evasion. Ironic, no?
- 1933 - Karl Marx and his brothers Lenny, Joey, and Leon star in the zany slapstick hit "Opiate of the Molasses".
- 1944 - The first weapon of mass destruction is invented in Switzerland, but nobody notices.
- 1947 - Jackie Robinson breaks the color barrier, then reimburses Major League Baseball for it.
- 2004 - Shitloads of stuff happened on this day but nobody bothered writing it down.
- 2007 - Herman Ho's 16th birthday.
- 2008 - Paul read this.
April 16: Annual Miss Stalin-Look-Alike 2006
- 1560 BC - Moses forgets to take his schizophrenia pills and begins to hear voices. He takes off from Ur, resulting in all of modern humanity's problems.
- 1178 BC - Odysseus, legendary King of Ithaca, returns to his kingdom after the Trojan War. Cornellians giggle uncontrollably.
- 1855 - Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln enjoy a night of mad passionate love; sloppy seconds are had after Mr. Lincoln keeps his promise that the South Shall Rise Again!
- 1867 - Queen Victoria considers ending her mourning phase, but continues on: "Why spoil a good time?"
- 1878 - Joseph Stalin is born.
- 1889 - Future German dictator, Charles Spencer Chaplin, is born.
- 1927 - A good day to be born if you are the leader of a world religion with the maddest gaze in human history.
- 1934 - Eleanor Roosevelt uncharacteristically enjoys a hotdog.
- 1943 - The first "Annual Miss Stalin-Look-Alike" contest is held in the Soviet Union. Joseph Stalin wins unanimously.
- 1953 - Desi Arnaz slaps Lucille Ball, calling her an 'estupit beach' on national television.
- 1972 - At the age of 69, actress Sharon Stone gets a star on the Walk of Fame.
- 1991 - US federal law passed forbidding driving while spreading cream cheese on a bagel.
- 2006 - The Queen of England decrees that all Australians must wear cork underpants.
- 2007 - Donald Trump pardons the 2007 "Annual Miss Stalin-Look-Alike" contest winner for her objectable behavior.
April 17: Genocide Appreciation Day
- 50 AD - The Roman Empire invests in a program where Christians die for their own entertainment. Today, this program is known a Pay-Per-View.
- 1525 - Cortéz kills all the dirty Aztecs and purifies Mexico by ordering his men to rape the Aztec women. All are thankful.
- 1915 - The Armenian Genocide begins. Nobody cares.
- 1932 - Joseph Stalin starves his own people as a "practical joke"; thousands die.
- 1940 - Adolf Hitler attempts to cleanse Europe of Jews and other minority groups; instead his efforts create resistent minorities that will eat his flesh alive.
- 1960-something - The Beatthose write "Hey Jude", a pro-genocidal song. Everyone loves it.
- 1992 - While not really genocide related, Rodney King is found not guilty of beating two white policemen.
- 1994 - The Rwandan Genocide begins. Tutsis and Tootsie Rolls alike are mass exterminated.
- 2005 - In a World of Warcraft incident, several mages performed an online funeral for their friend who died IRL. During the ceremony, they were interrupted and all killed by a ruthless clan in a genocide-style extermination.
- 2022 - The Americans decide to conquer and exterminate their not-so-friendly neighbours to the North, the Canadians.
- 2023 - Two trains collide and kill 30022475656732992 people
April 18: Dependence Day (Canada); International Throw A Baby In The Canal Day
- 1309 - This day also became National Rythym Day
- 1485 - A conductor accidentaly gives his orchestra jazz band music. Hilarity ensues.
- 1524 - The world's first Spanish restaurant is founded by Hernán Cortéz in Tenochtitlan.
- 1936 - It is found out that orchestra members have no sense of rythym.
- 1948 - The League of Nations is dissolved, and replaced by a simpler, easier-to-organize style tournament-format competition called the UN. Surprisingly, the Swedish are champions of the inaugural competition.
- 1958 - The Supreme Court of the United States bans poetry and evicts all known poets from the country.
- 1972 - First public toilet opens in Texas. Texans ignore this, and continue urinating in public.
- 1983 - A suicide plumber floods the United States embassy in Beirut, Lebanon.
- 1955 - Albert Einstein dies being struck by lightning while playing golf in North Carolina.
- 1990 - United States Re-Endangerment Day is the first U.S. national holiday created in honor of rednecks and their contributions to American culture.
- 2002 - The internet is officially declared "useless and beyond redemption" by the Norwegian military.
- 2006 - Captain obvious says you're reading this.
- 2007 - The same orchestra who played jazz band music in 1485 faces the horror of Cole Porter Classics O_O
April 19: Clitoris Awareness Day
- 30,000 BC - The first clitoris is born.
- 1559 - University of Padua, Italy recognizes the clitoris' existence.
- 1775 - In a New York study on human sexual behavior, researches find the clitoris to be more important to female sexual pleasure than the actual vagina. Men with small penises find new hope.
- 1907 - The first vibrator is introduced in France.
- 1913 - The sale of vibrators are banned in France, due to electrical grid overload issues.
- 1957 - Oral sex becomes a popular alternative to intercourse. Condom sales decline.
- 1969 - Clitoris piercing becomes a popular fad.
- 1998 - Windows 98 is released. Memory leaks in the OS cause Bill Gates to be declared the "World's Biggest Clitoris".
- 1990 - Clinton had oral sex with two girls from next door.
- 2007 - Wikipedia Celebrates The First Ever International Main Page Huffing Day. [1]
April 20: Hitler's Birthday (Germany)
- 420 - Thousands of marijuana users get throughly ripped as a once-in-a-lifetime numerical coincidence coincidentifies with a 75-times-in-a-lifetime num...where was I?
- 571 - Cassius Clay born; later changes name to Muhammad, hails himself as "greatest prophet of all time, baby!"
- 1607 - White settlers arrive at Jamestown, find nothing of value except some inedible, brown leaves and some equally inedible brown people, so they go home.
- 1792 - France declares war on itself and surrenders.
- 1814 - The War of 1812 begins, two years behind schedule.
- 1889 - Adolf Hitler, perhaps best known for his
genocide of the Jewsbrilliant artwork, is born. - 1889 - Adolf Hilter is certainly not born.
- 1943 - France so despises Vichy Government that they do nothing to overthrow.
- 1991 - A Very Brady Easter premires; Alice crucified to the songs of the Lovin Spoonful.
- 1994 - A fireworks display in Oklahoma City goes horribly wrong; bystander blamed and later executed.
- 1999 - Columbine high school opens the very first high school shooting range in the United States.
- 2007 - Cho Seung-Hui is welcomed in Hell. Even Satan is not amused.
- 2008 - Hitler given a Cookie Monster shirt by Jim Henson for his birthday.
April 21: Rome's Birthday (Italy) 1700 BC Emperor Palpatine kills Jamie Lynn Spears and then uses the Force to get Shmi Skywalker pregnant with Anakin.
- 753 BC - Rome is founded by Romulus and Remus after building it in a day.
- 754 BC - The Romulans declare an uneasy truce with the rest of the humans on Earth.
- 949 BC - A group of Romulans unable to get dates known as the 'vool-cahns' decide to leave earth and start their own planet.
- 1349 - The Spanish Inquisition is not expected.
- 1350 - A Belgian man expects the Spanish Inquisition, and is promptly beaten to death.
- 1684 - Isaac Newton proposes the idea of "gravity". It is rejected by the non-seculars, and Newton is laughed at and beaten.
- 1700 - Mr. T pities another fool.
- 1792 - Tiradentes, a revolutionary who was leading a movement for Brazil's independence, is hanged and quartered in an exciting event at the Superdome.
- 1900 - Creamed corn is deemed just thing to spice up that Sunday dinner.
- 1918 - French whores rejoice: "The Yanks Are Cumming" proves true and profitable.
- 1944 - Horses in France receive the right to vote.
- 1955 - Bob Hope decides this radio thing is old and busted. If only he knew.
- 1966 - The Girl from Ipanema is discovered to be like a samba that, swings so cool and sways so gentle, that when she passes each one she passes goes "a-a-ah!
- 2003 - Homosexuals finally learn to use a keyboard with two hands.
- 2006 - April 21st decides to change its name to July 14th. July 14th does not approve and in retaliation changes its name to August 25th, and refuses to acknowledge the month of April any more - this leads to a mass surge in calendar production when everyone takes sides - April lovers stick to the original 12 month calendar, whereas July fanciers take up a new streamlined 11 month number. With pictures of kittens on it. Everything goes back to normal the next day when Mr. T pities April 21st.
- 2008 - John Prescott admits to his bulimia being fraudulent after being caught on a 72 hour Pizza Hut binge.
- 2009 - George Bush expects the Spanish Inquisition, and is shot by a Muslim.
- 2023 - Galactic Emperor Sthnog takes his seat as Supreme Ruler of the Milky Way.
April 22: National Try To Assassinate The President Day (United States of America), Mars Day (Mars)
- 1,200,000,000,000,000,000 BC - The planet Mars is born.
- 1,199,999,999,999,999,999 BC - The planet Mars loses all its water, all life dies out and the planet turns red.
- 8000 BC - Mars, The Roman God of War, is born. He is named after the planet.
- 1189 - Eleanor of Acquatine announces that she would hang her necklace from her nipples, but recinds her decision because "it would shock the children."
- 1420 - Johannes Gutenberg becomes a father - names firstborn son "Steve".
- 1468 - The Great Council of the Republic of Venice attempts to curb the power of the Council of Ten by cutting off one of its fingers.
- 1609 - Council of Antes declares that peas will henceforth be eaten with a fork.
- 1882 - First obscene phone call made; crude equipment mandates heavy breathing when careless whispers can not be heard.
- 1900 - Families all over the world clamor for Jell-O for their just deserts.
- 1962 - Lee Harvey Oswald fucks up first attempt to kill JFK so badly the attempt goes unnoticed until 1986, when a remodeling crew fixes the bullet hole.
- 1970 - The Partridge Family thinks it loves you, but what is it so afraid of?
- 1970 - An Environmental Teach-In attempts to celebrate Earth Day. The event was a miserable failure because it was discovered that Earth was actually created on September 26.
- 1981 - A second failed assassination attempt on Ronald Reagan takes place, the shooter's motive being Reagan's films which the shooter declared, "sucked".
- 1999 - Meatloaf declares that he would do anything for love, but under no circumstance would he do that. It turns out that 'that' refers to painting himself black and impersonating Al Jolson
- 2002 - WWE star 'The Rock' invents the ability to refer to himself in the fifth person, negating the need for the 1st, 2nd 3rd and 4th references.
- 2003 - A pretzel tries to assassinate president George W. Bush. The pretzel is arrested and later executed by garbage disposal.
- 2009 - <insert name here> logs on to Uncyclopedia and reads the Anniversaries page for April 22
- 2022 - Darth Vader gets his voice box fixed after decades of agony.
- 303 - St. George takes his penis to beat the dragon with. Dragon turns out to be into that kinda stuff.
- 1179 - Richard the Lionhearted attempts to engage King Philip of France in a penis sword fight; "Homo you don't!" replies Philip.
- 1538 - Truce of Nice: Emperor Charles V and Francis I of France agree that the terms foreskin and prepuce are interchangeable.
- 1875 - Queen Victoria outlaws the word penis; decrees henceforth the organ shall be known as "Naughty Mr. Johnson".
- 1905 - The Royal Society compare penis sizes. Von Lynchenstein had the largest penis.
- 1909 - Czarina Alexandra beholds Rasputin's penis and won't let go.
- 1932 - California gets filled with the world's stockpile of penises.
- 1941 - Lead singer from Lordi enters a beauty contest against a penis. Penis wins.
- 1953 - Queen Elizabeth II announces that she shall confer upon the penis the title of Sir.
- 1967 - Bono is voted the "World's Biggest Penis".
- 1968 - Flower Power is replaced by Wind Power, and all the petals are blown away.
- 1971 - Penis arrives in the Castro.
- 1975 - President Gerald Ford announces that the Vietnam War is over, after an unfortunate misunderstanding over the soldiers running around with their penises in their hands.
- 1993 - Bill Clinton becomes the first USA president since JFK to bring his penis to the white house.
- 2005 - The B-lizard's penis freezes and falls off. Adventure Quest voted the best game ever made by stoners.
- 2008 - Your mom forgets to pack your penis in your lunchbox. You get teased the rest of the day.
- 2010 - The Wizard of Oz Movie is released in cinemas to general critical acclaim. Most people like the new twist ending where Toto is revealed as the Evil One.
- 1353 - Badger maulings reach record levels in Europe.
- 1704 - The first regular newspaper is published in America: The Boston New-Letter, containing overly-opinionated columns and hyped-up headlines. Circulation soars.
- 1856 - The word 'chairman' is introduced to the Oxford English Dictionary as 'A person with a proclivity to stand sitting'.
- 1862 - The Amerikan Sivil Whar on spelling begins, the letter u in color being the first victim.
- 1981 - IBM create the first known evil computer.
- 1982 - IBM reveals computer wasn't "evil", it was just running a Microsoft operating system.
- 1984 - Apple builds the world's first do-nothing computer.
- 1986 - Time begins, to the disappointment of trillions.
- 2000 - Fat-free chips withdrawn from supermarket shelves in the UK due to risk of intestinal implosion.
- 2005 - George W. Bush declares, "America is officially full." Congress approves bypass for Haitian boatpeople to row to Canada.
- Today - You eat too much food and spend five hours on the toilet thinking of Uncyclopedia jokes.
April 25: National Obesity Appreciation Day
- 0 - The world's first April 25th was celebrated. Nostradamus predicts the world's first April 26th to occur a day later. He later predicts the birth of Jimbo Wales and the creation of Wikipedia, but no one believes him due to the idea of both being so stupid.
- 908 - A horde of plus-sized Vikings raid the east coast of Britain and set up a new IKEA store.
- 1301 - First known use of the phrase "I don't give a shit" thought to have been said somewhere around London, England.
- 1607 - Dutch Commando Dykes led by Hans Solo destroy the anchored Spanish fleet.
- 1847 - The last survivors of the Donner Party are out of the wilderness. Shortly after, the first McDonners resturant opens. First item on the menu: McRib.
- 1862 - The worlds first battery operated fork is created; two million die during its first use.
- 1859 - Ground is broken for the Suez Canal. Israelis and Egyptians immediately begin fighting over who owns the hole.
- 1915 - Australians invade Turkey, only to piss off next year.
- 1918 - Turks invade Australia, but have stayed permanantly to drive taxis.
- 1921 - Fattest US president in history, William Howard Taft, eats a steak.
- 1950 - The Michelin Man Ii born.
- 1955 - The first McDonalds is opened.
- 1956 - "Obesity" is a recognized health problem.
- 1957 - Overweight Appreciation day is upgraded to Obesity Appreciation Day, whilst Overweight Appreciation Day changes to 25th December.
- 1990 - Astronauts deploying the Hubble Space Telescope drop it on the way out the door, knocking it slightly out of focus.
- 2003 - The International Federation of Dentists cancel all appointments for the month of August, in protest that floss and tooth picks, are not bar-coded.
April 26: Hyperbole Day
- Millions of years ago - Hyperbole day founded in the most spectacular ceremony since the dawn of time.
- 1756 - The exclamation mark is born on this fantastic day.
- 1834 - The best day in all of history! There'll never ever be another day like it! It's amazing!
- 1901 - President Teddy Roosevelt mounts his wife: BULLY!
- 1922 - Warren G. Harding's popularity at an all time high! New York Times: "Harding is the Best President Ever!"
- 1928 - Canadian dollar tops U.S. Dollar in World Markets!
- 1935 - Champaign Toasts and Caviar Dreams great newborn Robin Leach!
- 1944 - Concentration Camp deaths in Poland reach a new zenith! Hitler asks, Who knew Jews could be so results oriented?
- 1965 - The mildest day in the history of the universe. No other day was as mild. Ever.
- - The worst day in the history of the universe, so much so that no one mentioned it and so we no longer know when it was. But we do know that it was some time between 1965 and 1988.
- 1986 - Ronald Reagan stays awake for an entire cabinet meeting!
- 1987 - Kevin Johnson born, a man who will later rule the world with an iron fist.
- 1988 - A group of the world most talented musicians come together to write the greatest song in the history of the world. It has a sound so astonishingly incredible and so incredibly beautiful that people come from all over the world just to hear it played at its one and only live performance at the grandest stadium in the world, the Metrodome.
- 1990 - Oprah is so hungry she could eat a horse. Twice!
- 2006 - Pete Wentz of Fall Out Boy spewed out sperm so high it touched the stars.
- 2007 - The best night I've ever had. Ever!
April 27: Eat a Live Piglet Day (Schenectady, New York; Griffin, Georgia)
- 1124 - King David the Lastnameless takes the throne of Scotland
- 1294 - Scotland calls Franch a bunch of pussies. Angry grumbling ensues.
- 1368 - The Big Bad Wolf is found guilty of vandalism and mouth robbery, and is sentenced to 30 hours of social work.
- 1509 - Pope Julius II places the Italian state of Venice under interdict. The interdict arose from finding the state warm and moist.
- 1521 - Magellan arrives in the Philippines. The locals invite him in for dinner.
- 1555 - You are born, but die of cholera by age eight. You don't remember this previous life because you were born a moron.
- 1945 - USA and USSR meet for the first time in Germany, starting a love affair to last several decades.
- 1949 - Texas becomes the first US State to outlaw Cheese, following the discovery of a Soviet covert chedder ring operating in Houston.
- 1966 - NASA scientists propose using Dusty Springfield's 11-mile tall bouffant to get to the moon.
- 1981 - I got laid!
- 1984 - the Libyan Embassy in London is taken hostage by a VW campervan, ending in the shooting of Dr Emmett Brown.
- 1990 - Some random girl named Kaye was born who liked Bundaberg.
April 28: Amateur Internet Porn Day
- 3500 BC - Moses descends from Mt. Sinai amid thunderclaps and bush conflagrations with a number of commandments.
- 1861 - Oscar Wilde first merits mention in his local newspaper for his treatise on the manufacturing of Bon-bons.
- 1920 - The Soviet Union acquires free agent Azerbaijan; US weakly responds by drafting Alaska 39 years later.
- 1932 - Dr. Bill Cosby announces discovery of vaccine for Jell-O Fever.
- 2008 - Long-awaited gaming platform Playstation 4 is released to a wildly supportive public.
- 2009 - 90% of the population of Schenectady, New York, is wiped out by a mystery illness resulting from yesterday's festivities.
April 29: Annual Belly Button Lint Harvest
- 2400 BC - In the earliest recorded instance of a Dear John letter, Cleopatra leaves her husband Caesar using a well-placed papyrus scroll.
- 1862 - New Orleans falls to Union forces under Admiral David Farragut. Ironically, 100 years later, Union forces prove the eventual undoing of the manufacturing sector.
- 1945 - The German military in Italy unconditionally surrenders to the Allies. Later, Allied forces would attribute their swift victory to the food allergies of the German forces, specifically to meatballs.
- 1954 - On a dare, a group of drunken Oxford engineering students builds Stonehenge in just under 5 hours in the middle of the night.
- 1968 - The controversial musical Hair, based on an Oscar Wilde work, opens on Broadway.
- 1988 - Video kills the Radio Star. Video is promptly arrested.
April 30: Obscure Pop Cultural Reference Day
- 1026 - The first casualty in the on-going Pirate-Ninja War of the Ages occurs.
- 1794 - The Battle of Cat Boulou is fought. The French actually win one.
- 1945 - Hitler born.
- 1962 - Four legs found to be good, with two legs considered less favourably.
- 1969 - Vietnam Vets declare "You weren't there man!" for the first time.
- 1989 - Some proles invent "New Wave of Ingsoc Heavy Metal" Minitrue approved , with BB. , doubleplusgood.
- 1997 - I for one welcomed our insect overlords.
- 2001 - HAL declares "I'm sorry, Dave, but I cannot touch this."
- 2005 - Frank Joseph Snape gets away with the murder of ex-girlfriend Debbie Dumbledore, despite the fact that everybody already knew about it.
- 2010 - '1001 things to do with a flaming appendage' ousts the bible as the most famous and successful book of all time.
- 2019 - Road Rules Mars begins broadcasting, MTV immediately cancels the series after all participants including filming crew are killed by an asteroid.
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