Uncyclo-classifieds

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Welcome to the Uncyclo-classifieds - selling people that things don't want to people who don't need them things


“Buying: One over-used joke on Uncyclopedia who is often quoted”
~ Oscar Wilde on Buying this crap

30,774ish new advertisements this Epoch.

Jobs

Wanted - benevolent dictator to over-rule small African country. Immediate start, reasonable rates. Previous applicants should apply using relevant military force. References required. Box 3749

Dynamic, self starter? - we need you to join our growing team of crack addicted wikipedia truth-straighteners. Must be fluent in HTML, Javascript etc, and have a creative mind. Please send examples of work to Ron@scientonomy.org.

Own Broom? then you are just the person we need! Skilled floor cleanliness technician wanted to remove accumulating debris from various floors and floor-like surfaces. Applicants must be able to work within confined spaces, and be comfortable with removal of cinnamon sawdust. reply box 3420

Earn $$$$££££€€€€円円円円₨₨₨₨ from the comfort of your own home! - you too can earn MONEY from the comfort of your own home. Please sent a cheque for as much as you have to me, and I'll tell you more! reply box 3421.

Wanted - Need help ruling Germany. Call Hitler at 1-800-EAT-JEWS

No Experience Needed! - Want to launch Nuclear missiles at Russians and Terrorists? Meet Rick at 42 Willson Avenue behind the dumpster


Wanted

Gateway to Hell I only expect it to be $666, For more information call 672-666-0666

Man who had Van wants Van, to become Man with Van again, due to personality differences with previous van. Bedford Rascals need not apply. Box 3619

Rebellion Uprising wants pilot with good eye, to work for no money. Force an advantage. Reply PO Box 2, Inconspicuous Igloo, Hoth, Sector Q7.

Will you do my job? I am lazy. do it for me. I might give you a slice of cake. Box 3420

keen, youthful uprising wants leader to help us overthrow the junta. expenses paid.Box 4529

Monkey wants organ to borrow for grinding coffee gig. Will pay reasonable costs. contact Monkey.

420 Guyzz drugs are like not makin u stupider or nohting. me Need buddy to smoke bud wit. call 555-8911 lol no popo or d.e.a.

Hey Schäume! - Do Deutschland einen Gefallen, Join das Dritte Reich und die überall in Europa! Heil Hitler! Rufen Sie mich an 1800-Eat-Juden. Wir sehen uns dann!


Cars

Runs like it's on a rail! Contact me quick for this quality motor. Good engine wear, novel electric motor, good body work. Slight steering issues hence only £200 for this quality scalectrix model motor. Rod, 09453 54032 - first to see will buy.

Government approved! One of a few chances for you to own this quality vintage car. Large engine, excellent ventilation holes, 2-track steering, FSH, Sunroof. War Deficit forces sale. Non runner - £300,000,000. contact Al, Box 320, Sudan.

Spares or Repair this excellent historical propellor plane, ex-project, age forces sale, is now for sale for parts. Will split if necessary. Contact Buddy or Rich, Bermuda, 255-500-3425

One of a kind offers for this one of a kind two seater car, sporty, colorful. Adoption forces sale. Contact Noddy or Biggy, T. Land, Box 2

小型車 - 私には非常に小さな車です。私はしたくないことを勧めます車の方が大きいので、私の陰茎面倒を求める電話693-446-8792とサンです。

Household

Anvil - quality, 3 tonne "Acme" anvil, slight wear, many uses, forced to sell for food. contact Wile E. Coyote, Box 3450, Texas.

Katana Brand cooking knife, ideal for ritual disembowelling, 1 use only, $4 for quick sale. call Jack R, old London Town (nights only).

Scissors? you betcha. Run to al's one-eyed scissor emporium. Junction Of Red and dead.Box 312

Moron! Only one use. excellent for making life changing decisions. Ideal for political lobbying. OIRO 30,000 Lek. call Dick, W.House, Washington, DC, 202-456-1111

Stiff Beating - My wife doesn't like me when I thrash her. Trade me a dishwasher and she is yours. Either that or kill her. I'm not bothered.

Technology Dont understand it? Neither do we. Write to Luddites Anonynmous.

Murder kit full set - comprising rope, lead piping, candlestick, pistol, spanner. One missing, but ideal gift. Some fingerprints. Call Rev. Green, c/o HMP wadsworth.

'Deutsch Mikrowellen' zehn Sitze. Aufruf Adolf c / o Drittes Reich


Services

Lemons Affected by them? I'll rid you from them for a low price? call Hal anytime. Hal's lemonaids: 1-800-lemons.

If you could blow up the world with the flick of a switch would you do it? Your chance to choose is here! Nuclear Payload to the country of your choice-Free! Mr E.S.Blofeld, Box 13

Lemons Do you feel threatened? Call Hal anytime for quick and easy extermination. Hal's lemonaids: 1-800-lemons.

Locusts? We can remove them quickly and easily. Price negotiable, generally involves Exodus. also specialize in frogs, death of firstborn etc. Write/pray: moses, c/o Mr god.

Lemons? Have you been Attacked or abused? Join our Class action suit against Hals Lemonaids inc. 13000 are already participating. Call J.Citrus for your application form & qualification questions.

Demons - killed with style. Call UMC.

Lemons Did they kill your firstborn son? You could send them to jail! Call Hal to file a case right now. Quick and easy, no questions asked

Bees!for your knees. Trees for your elbows. Houses for your Geraniums.

Hal - is rubbish, and hates lemons. He stamps on them as well. call Alice at the LPL for info.

Dog next door: please stop barking while I have company over.

Free

Half of a potato My wife and I bought a potato we couldn't finish if anyone want's to come pick it up. You are responsible for transportation.

Free Aids Got these aids and ended up getting too much. Willing to let someone take them for free.

Punches to the face Free Punches to the face. One per person. You have by Saturday evening to come pick up your Knuckle sandwich.

Clue Don't have one? Get one free. Box 435 Ed Couch, TX 97362

Parachute Only used once. Small stain. Never been opened. Low mileage. Contact the estate of Lauren Greenberg for details.

Garden

Lawn destroyers we trash your garden with the minimum of fuss. vomit available as extra. visit Lawn-destroyerz.com

Hedge trimmer VGC, but unsuitable for pubic trimming, hence sale. will swap for bush trimmer or similar. call alice.

TREE! I WILL DESTROY ALL TREES! FOR FREE! I HATE THEM AND WILL KILL THEM! Box 2247

Webucation You don' need none o' dat book learnin' and fancy web codin' to sell junk! Craig at 555-1709

Peanut plant will trade for elephant.

Organic celebrity lawnmower Needs occasional feeding. re-homing due to excessive abuse of previous owner. contact Gerry at goat-re-housing.com.

death plant - will kill most intruders on sight. slightly faulty, cannot disern pet dogs well. good condition, £100. Box 3402

Garden sewing Start a new hobby today - Take up garden sewing today. call Janice yesterday!

Doctor lawn I'll diagnose your lawn for a small fee. call now for a free telephone consultation. tennis pitches a specialty. Box 3293

WORMS Available in dog, cat and lawn varieties. very tasty. Box 2358

Personals

You love me. I'd like you a lot if you like me a lot. box 3201

Horse seeks course. not too boggy please. no mares. Box 3982

High up leader of secret sect seeks apprentice to turn & maybe more. GSOH & family relations a bonus. all replies answered. Box 3249

will you hold my wellington boots? box 3467

Frog seeks princess for role-play fun. NSA. No peas please. Box 3758

OOG prehistoric caveman seeks nice girl for dining, intelligent conversation, and furtherance of the human race. club a bonus. Box 3156

Timelord WLTM lovely girl for companionship, defeat of timeless evils and nightmares in general. own home. box n-1.

Miscellaneous

Ambulance driver needed drive recklessly through freeway and city streets, all in name of health and safety. on-site medical. Box 2209

Need elitist but not you. go away. Box 5211

Certified looney for hire will do any work for squirrels. see them? are watching me. don't want me to work, but will show them all. will not work on evil nut mines. Box weedle-weedle boofly 8

Professional earwax sculptor any model, any size, all-natural materials, local applicants only please. Box 0112

How's my driving? call 911

Send no money to the very very poor society.

AAAAAAAAA! AAA AAAAAAAAA! AAAA AAAA AAAA AAAAAAA AAA AAAA AA AA AAA. AAA AAAA

Lost? - help us find you. we can find anything - we have a really big list. Also includes naughty pictures for additional fee. contact Google inc with SAE for details.

Found - large quantity of marajuana at 13 Muhammad Alley. Call Marcus672-337-6592 for details.Prices start at $2.00 per pound.

WIKIPEDIA What's that all about then? someone tell me. I've never seen such a large collection of spelling errors. also, lies.

PS3 Stupid enough to buy Playstation 3, eviction notice from landlord. Used, so I only ask for $900. K thanx

ATOMIC WEAPON Roomate found it in kitchen, trying to make a profit. 672-703-1984. Ask for Todd.

Brand new $2 bill Send $9.99. Box 42 Yakima, WA. 89435

Property

Sports Stadium Actually a small patch of grass and a single inflatable goal-post. Great for first-time buyers! $400.00/£0.03, ONO.

Unique Archictecture One of a kind house, designed by family arcihtect, with large quantities of space. Contact M Escher, Box 3345 for further info.

Box A highly mobile, versatile, one room bed-sit, with the possibility of excellent views and premier location. large vista patio. Meths c/h. OIRO 5 cans of special brew. Talk to jerry, corner of main and west.

GRAAAARGH splurk RFLTTITw Wfkrke Drurekf fhjdfklhr huldgjfhglf fjkldhf help jdfkghl bvdfuigoph. Box 3704

Large, spacious room for surprisingly little rent, must be willing to share with rather antisocial, unholy flesh-automaton, and irrational genius professor. House is subject to frequent lightning strikes, making it unsuitable for those with pacemakers. - Mr F, Box 3758


Boats

Luxurious cruise liner requires minor maintenance, you could own this one-of-a-kind Historic steamship.Buyer may need minor salvage gear to re-furbish vessel. available for inspection at 41°43′N 49°56′W. contact the White Star Line for details.

Sieves. they make excellent buoyancy aids. Try it and see, or your money back. Box 3273

Keep off Pirates with our patented Pirate-b-gone system. contains all you need to repel at least 47 pirates. refills available. Send for information. Box 3854.

Monkey see, Monkey do, which is a bit of a problem when you are trying not to start a thermonuclear war. offers for quick sale, - Please? Contact Chief Vet PO Mosley c/o HMS Spigot, somewhere in the atlantic. Box 2235

Float-a-goat inflatable goat rafts. made for goats, of goats, by goats. you cannot beat the best. box 2247


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