Uncle Mao's Irregular Chinese Warehouse
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“If it contains lead, we have it!!”
“Always low standards, Always”
Uncle Mao's Irregular Chinese Warehouse, UMICW for short, is a multinational chain of super markets that only sell factory and sweatshop "seconds" that can not legally be sold anywhere else. Products from Uncle Mao's Irregular Chinese Warehouse are easily recognizable due to their dangerously high lead levels, noxious fumes and flesh eating bacteria.
Uncle Mao's Irregular Chinese Warehouse has 2365 stores due to be closed down because of asbestos and is banned from operating in 34 countries around the world, making it Walmart's largest competitor for lawsuits.
Uncle Mao's Irregular Chinese Warehouse is the largest grocery retailer in the world, with an estimated 35% of the "groceries containing pet-food" market and "in-consumable bacteria" business, and the largest toy seller in the U.S., with an estimated 45% of the "toys covered in lead paint" business, having surpassed Toys "R" Sus in the late 1990s.
Uncle Mao's Irregular Chinese Warehouse was founded in Xiangxing in 1976 by Mao Tse Tung as China's first step into capitalism, unfortunately he died of lead poisoning from his tooth brush only a few days after its founding.
Uncle Mao's Irregular Chinese Warehouse's (UMICW) operations are comprised primarily in three retailing subsidiaries. Closed Down due to Health Concerns, Vacant, and UMICW International. Wal-Mart does business under nine different retail formats: supercenters, "food" and salmonella, illegal merchandise stores, badgas (restaurants), cash and counterfeit stores, sweatshop warehouse clubs, toxic apparel stores and cemeteries.
"Save money, Live shorter"
Toxic Toys for Tots
"The World's Poisonous Toy Store"
"That isn't meat..."
"Made from pets, for pets"
I Can't Believe Its Not Working
"Giving off dangerous radiation, or your money back"
"Its made in the same sweatshop as the real one"
Cheap N' Crappy
"You get what you pay for"
Fester N' Food
"That may taste like chicken..."
"You can't spell "overpriced junk" without prick"
Private Product Lines
Today, approximately 40% of products sold in Uncle Mao's Irregular Chinese Warehouse are private label store brands, as opposed to the other 60% which are blatant illegal copies of well known brands. Uncle Mao's Irregular Chinese Warehouse began offering private label brands in 1991 with the launch of Mao's Choice, a brand of drinks produced by Rancid Beverages, primarilly made out of the runoff from the nearby bleach factory (incidentally where Mao's Own Toothpaste is made), exclusively for Mao's Irregular Chinese Warehouse. Mao's Choice quickly became popular, and by 1993, was cited as #3 on the list of single greatest causes of cancer in the United States.
Last Woof Pet-food
Mao's Meat Substitute
UMICW's business model is based on selling a wide variety of general merchandise and marketing, at "always low standards." The company refers to its employees as "slaves." All UMICW stores have designated "greeters", whose general role is to welcome shoppers at the store entrance, make them sign a legal document removing any responsibility of the store if the customer dies and also to point them towards the fake diabetes tests.
Each week, approximately 2 billion customers, or one-third of the worlds population, visit Uncle Mao's Irregular Chinese Warehouse stores each week. Two thirds end up contacting some form of poisoning. UMICW customers place extremely low prices as the only important reason for shopping at UMICW, reflecting the appalling health standards of the store. UMICW's average US customer's income is below the national average, at around $15 per annum (minus normal meth costs). When measured against other similar retailers in the US, frequent UMICW shoppers were rated the most politically conservative, most mentally retarded and most likely to go on a killing spree.
In 2006, UMICW made steps to expand its US customer base, announcing a modification in its US stores from a, "one-size-fits-all," communist merchandising strategy to a custom-fitting merchandise assortment designed to, "
rip-off reflect each of six demographic groups – Niggers, rich bastards, hobos, illegal immigrants, convicted criminals and rednecks."
About six months later, the company went public with a variation on their customer profile which loosely translates as: "Enslaving people. Money. So we can live better lives."
UMICW was sued several million dollars in 2005 when they mixed up the labels of butter and glue sticks.