Sorry, sorry, didn't mean to startle you there. We haven't been getting a whole ton of customers lately and-- Hey, where are my manners? Howdy, my name is John Raffelbondik, but you can just call me Uncle John. Not one of those creepy incestual uncles either, the nice kind that gets you presents. Ya know, unless you're into that type of thing. You can have whatever you want here. Now, welcome to Uncle John's Fetus Burger's and Abortion Clinic™! Hmm, you look pretty fat if you don't mind my saying so. In fact, you're probably the chubbiest customer we've had here. I suppose that means one of two things. Either you're a hungry son-of-a-bitch, or you have got a fat bastard growing inside-a-you. Either way, this place is perfect for you! Why don't you just take a step inside?
Let's see, I founded this place way back when. Sometime. I was watching the news. Normally it's just a bunch of boring people saying big words, but then they start talking about abortions. On the screen, there was a pregnant woman and some doctor's fishing the baby out of her with some kind of tools. Then BAM, out comes this mangled unborn fetus. I'm thinking to myself, "Hey, that there looks pretty damn tasty." Don't go accusing me of being a cannibal though; I ain't no cannibal. I would never eat a human being. But that was a fetus. It wasn't a person yet. And I'll be damned if it didn't look scrumptious. So I'm watching, and they're going on about a bunch of boring legal crap. Then, those goddamn bastards tossed out the fetus, right there. What a damn waste! So I'm thinking, "Ya know, those abortions have gotta make people hungry, and pregnant women'll eat all kinds a shit. BOOM. Uncle John's Fetus Burgers and Abortion Clinic™.
I'm gonna go ahead and assume that that massive gut is a little baby brewing in your stomach. I bet you're looking to get rid of that thing, ain't ya? Just come around back here, and we'll get you settled up nice. Here at Uncle John's Fetus Burgers and Abortion Clinic™, we've got state-of-the-art professionals ready to rip that little monster right outta your lady parts. So, how far along are you? You look about six or seven months to me, which is the average for our patients. You'll be happy to know that your unborn fetus will be used to make a full-sized fetus burger. Had you come along about a month or two ago, we might've made it into one of our patented Mini Fetus Burgers™ for the children. However, had you come by two months later, your baby would've been made into one of our ever-popular Fatass Fetus Burgers™. These are the real thick and juicy ones, almost like eating a full baby. But we'd never serve a full baby, that would be sick.
Trust me, this abortion process in completely safe. We've only had five patient deaths since our grand opening two months ago. First, we're gonna lather your lady parts up with our famous Sweet Fetus Juice™ and a bit of fetus tenderizer, to keep it fresh. Then, we just take this two-pronged fork, and jab it in there a bit until we really get a grip on the fetus. We usually aim for the neck of the fetus, as to not tear any of the other flesh. Nobody wants to eat a messy fetus, ya know? We carefully tug on the little fella until he pops out, and then we'll chop off the umbilical cord, making sure to save as much of it as possible.
Come back around front here and head through the main entrance now, and you'll see the eatery. You'll also be pleased to know that every part of your fetus will be used. Of course, the meat of the burger is made up of the supple flesh of the fetus, which is baked, grilled, or deep-fried based on the customer's preference. However, the umbilical, when deep-fried and coated in a bit of sugar, makes for a delectable after-burger snack. And you know all those juices and stuff that come out? We use those too! That juice, when mixed with a couple of our own special ingredients, makes for a delicious fetus sauce, available at all the condiment stations.
Just wait; it gets even better! As an aborter and meat-donator, you'll receive fifty percent off a full-fetus burger meal! I know, I know, some women feel a certain... connection to their unborn fetus. That's fine too; we get that here at Uncle John's Fetus Burgers and Abortion Clinic™. If you so choose, you can be served your own aborted fetus, fresh from the womb! We'll even let you watch it cook for a bit extra.
All of our meat here is guaranteed 100% authentic grade. The fetuses are all kept fresh up until the moment we plop them down in front of you. Completely drug-free as well. Couple weeks ago, some pregnant crack whore came in here to get an abortion. Know what we did? We threw that bitch out on the curb. You ever tasted an unborn crack baby? Disgusting. No way, not here.
Here at Uncle John's Fetus Burgers and Abortion Clinic™, we have a strict anti-discrimination policy. Pregnant women of all races and faiths can come to serve their fetuses to the eating public.
WE'VE GOT 'EM!
Want an asian fetus burger?
WE'VE GOT 'EM!
Want a Jewish fetus burger?
WE'VE GOT 'EM!
Want a hispanic fetus burger?WE'VE GOT A SHITLOAD OF 'EM!
We kill while you fill! Stuff your face while we unstuff your stomach! We put the "eat" sound in the word "fetus!" Circle of life and all that.
Go ahead! Sit down, let us pull that little fucker out, cook him up, and serve him right back to you. Whaddaya say?