Uncertainty Principle

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 13:11, September 6, 2012 by SPIKE (talk | contribs)

Jump to: navigation, search
“If we have an apple in one hand, but then decide to throw it away because we are not hungry, then there exists a finite probability that all the particles that constituted that apple, when measured, are actually found in my stomach - precisely as if I had eaten the apple in the first place - that is the uncertainty principle”
~ Einstein on adding confusion to the uncertainty principle
“I'm still not hungry. So, I repeat the same experiment, this time, with an orange. I am too lazy to write the entire thing again, thus showing my impatience for science”
~ Einstein on adding oranges to the uncertainty principle

The uncertainty principle is the concept, popularized by TV dance host Werner Heisenberg, that the act of measurement disturbs the thing being measured so as to make sufficiently precise measurement impossible. Its most notable demonstration is in the fact that, the longer that UNCYCLOPEDIA Senior Editors keep working on producing scrupulously accurate articles, the more they resemble pure crap, at which point the personnel are forced to walk the Planck.

The United States demonstrated the uncertainty principle when it built a gigantic warship, the Heisenberg, with which to win World War II, not realizing the uncertainty of what was going to go ka-boom, and when.


Or it might just not not be like that at all. You can't be absolutely certain. It could instead be an important part of the modern understanding of quantum mechanics, although you should probably ask an expert, or an certified authority such as a taxi driver or milk man. At least, it might have something to do with physics. It could be something to do with the social sciences. It's probably perfectly legal and illegal at the same time maybe, or it might not be, if be is truly in existance(a link on this site that is probably not in existance as it is spelled existence). Also, it’s got something to do with Schrödinger's cat, and how that cats can be alive and dead at the same time, as well as if Strasbourg is situated in France or Germany or that Luxembourg can be a country and a city at the same time. The circumstance that Keanu Reeves can simultaneously avoid acting as he makes millions of dollars as a Hollywood star opposes the theory, since this observation is absolutely certain. The uncertainty principle can therefore not be said to cover imaginary objects, at least not West Coast ones.

Note that Microsoft is a "special case" of the Uncertainty principle, as it is capable of playing monopoly, cheating at cards, ripping people off, charging people multiple times and being inferior to Goooooooogle. This is the only known example of the Uncertaintly principle existing for a company, and the only one where it is uncertain as to any aspect of the company at all.

Note that the Uncertainty Principle is essential to the theory of Quantum Murphydynamics ... maybe. Or not.

Note: I am uncertain about all of this.

Schroedinger's Cat

Schroedinger (possibly spelled Schrödinger, Schrødinger, Schindler, Schöëdïnger or in some cases Sarah) may have postulated that because of the uncertainty principle, a cat could be placed into a box, and then one could try to kill it using poison gas released by a radiation detector, triggered by a radioactive particle. According to the Uncertainty Principle, the particle exists in all possible states until observed, and therefore it both would, and would not, trigger the release of the poison. The cat would therefore be green or either dead or alive or alive and dead at the same time. We just don't really know what it before we open the box and check for a bark.

What we do know for sure is that Shroedinger was stoned. The cat was strangled after being poisoned to death with great accuracy a short while after his brave postulation by aggrevated members from the Animal Liberation Front, using bulk matter acting under the classic laws of kinetic momentum and projectile ballistics.

To the delight of his audience Schroedinger then took another cat and placed it in another box. Then taking a number of knives he proceeded to penetrate the box with them, much to the dismay of his audience. However, on removing the knives and opening the box again, the cat was shown to be unharmed. His audience were so amazed that he was awarded the Nobel Prize for Science through his laboratory window, attached to a brick.Apage 00:14, 31 January 2009 (UTC)


The uncertainty of any object (measured in micromurphys -- see Quantum Murphydynamics) is the probability of that object spontaneously transforming itself into an equivalent mass of Dubliner cheese within the space of one danosecond. Possibly.

Comparatively large objects are far less likely to undergo decay into cheese, since, if such events happened on a frequent basis, world hunger would be a thing of the past, which would be a gross violation of Murphy's Law. But don't quote me on that. Quote the Quantum Murphydynamics physicists instead.

On the other hand, small objects, such as coins, car keys, individual socks dwarves and dust bunnies, are more vulnerable to Dubliner uncertainty, and accomplish the transformation more readily, in inverse proportion to the square roots of their masses. This is in accordance with Quantum Murphydynamics or quantum cheddardynamics (we don't know which, since these are two competing theories and neither of them has ever been proven). This raises a question: if the uncertainty principle is always causing our keys and socks to disappear, why don't we see lots of small bits of cheese laying around? The answer is simple: mice eat the cheese. But why don't we see any mice, then? That is also easily explained: Schroedinger's cat ate them theory, and when we attempt to observe the cat, it vanishes.

Objects that are small and valuable have the greatest uncertainty. Even though the objects in question are usually presumed to have been misplaced or stolen, this is not always the case. After all, who would suspect a small piece of cheese?

A dead cat and a live cat being both potentially equivalent to an equal mass of cheese, a cat can be alive and dead at the same time (see transitivity). Although I'm not quite sure about that.

If you didn't get it yet, or even if you did and want to say it in a way understandable to Wikipedians, the uncertainty principle is about Heisenberg, Heinz Burgers, other German ketchup brands, other German TOMATO ketchup brands,other German TOMATO Heisenbergs, Balloons, blimps or tyres with the same name, principles in general, Oscar Wildeizms, uncertainty principles, unsure principles, non-confident principles, diffident principles, principles regarding uncertainty, uncertainty regarding principles, and uncertainty in general.

Explanation for the Theory

After being virtually unknown by all humans for about 99.9999999% of their existence, atomic particles have become very shy. If they sense they are being watched, they won't do their usual tricks, just like that frog that simply won't sing broadway show tunes when I show him to somebody else. This explains why a watched pot will never boil even if it is exposed to the heat of a thousand suns for several times the duration of the known universe. Maybe.


The Uncertainty Principle was with 78% probability postulated by Werner Heisenberg, probably because the quantum theory was by that time so hopelessly confused that he needed a way to explain the self-contradictory results. After presumably hours of drawing some crazy graphs, he coined a perfect formula to describe the state of preceding quantum physics:

\triangle p \cdot \triangle x \ge\frac{\hbar}{2}

Here ∆x is the distance quantum physics passed since its foundation, ∆p is the probability of all the quantum physicists agreeing on a single interpretation of quantum mechanics, and ħ is something very small, so small that you shouldn't really bother with it, only electrons should. And 2 is well... the number that comes after 1 (are you certain about that?)

Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle was the most revolutionary idea since Einstein's Theory of Sell-ativity and, subsequently, Riemann's Laundry Manifolder. However, this meant that Heisenberg's theory was met with contempt, especially by Nazi Germany for opposing their Deutsch Physik textbook, which stated that both the position, the vector, and the lust for money of a Jew's electrons could all be determined. Einstein's theory, which proposed such things as, "A home in mortgage tends to stay in mortgage," and, "The time at which a deal is closed is relative to the seller's frame," had proven to be the base for Heisenberg's equations. But Deutsch Physik also opposed Einstein's theories, as he was a known Intellectual.

Erwin Schrödinger was particularly outraged, since he spent a lifetime persuading people that his wave equation was true in 99.95% cases. Schrödinger supposedly disproved the Uncertainity Principle with experiments in which he beat cats almost to death.He actually wasn't particularly interested in quantum physics, he just violently hated cats. In the experiments, 50% of the cats survived and 50% died, but not a single cat ever entered a superposed half-dead state, although in a long term experiment the results of which were announced just prior to his death, it was successfully proved that the cat would most likely become one with the force. Yep, that's not funny. Therefore, the Uncertainty Principle was disregarded as "most likely ridiculous", as people do not like the force to be not funny just because of this stupid kitty-litter. Yep, that is not funny either. The careful reader will notice that Schrödinger is above discussed as an advocate of the Uncertainty Principle and a cat lover. Although this seems contradictory, the fact that Schrödinger both argued for the uncertainty principle and simultaneoutly argued against it, and both simultaneously loved cats and violently hated them, demonstrate the Uncertainty Principle in action.


The principle was revived by Marty McFly in 1955 (every 1955 except the first) during his famous time travel experiment, in which he temporarily reached a translucent state of superposition during a school dance. In subsequent 1955s, this result was further strengthened by Biff Tannen and Dr. Emmett Brown, who demonstrated that a single DeLorean can simultaneously occupy four locations within the same town and that Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan can both be presidents in 1984.

The Uncertainty Principle was further extrapolated to the future in the said 1984, the year of Nixon and Reagan's presidency, when Kyle Reese reformulated it in its current form, saying that the future is uncertain. The lines "There is no fate but the one we make ourselves" were interpreted as the observer's responsibility for the wavefunction collapse and for the reduction of the number of possible futures. In 1885, during McFly and Brown's next time trip, they proved this stricter form with the famous tombstone experiment.

Finally, the Uncertainty Principle was used as a cornerstone of Quantum Murphydynamics by a brilliant young physicist with no life.

Possible (or impossible) uses

  • Wake up early and be late at the same time. This one is very useful as an excuse.*
  • Defend democracy and open a concentration camp in Guantanamo Bay at the same time.* Useful as an excuse too.
  • Love Madonna and Beethoven at the same time.*
  • Cars with satellite navigation can't be caught for speeding.*
  • Pretend you know something when you really don't.*
  • Multiple car convoy multitasking. The President (or other important political figure) travels in four cars at once, not to deter terrorists but because due to the the uncertainty principle he can do four times the work on the way. However, this frequently backfires as his preparation decoheres when observed and makes him look like an idiot.*
  • Being an idiot or a ninja or a pirate, we can't be sure which though.*
  • In ironic self refentuality maybe.*

*Or not.

An Example of an application

If Fred has 3 apples and Bob gives him 2 apples, how many apples are left. Well, multiplying both sides by alpha, gamma, and delta theta after factoring out the Landau notation of the nth partial sum integrated around a closed Riemann surface with respect to a summation asymptotically equivalent to Euler's number yields:

3+2=5 \pm \frac{\hbar}{2\Delta p}


The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle was actually circumvented by the invention of the "Heisenberg Compensator" by Scotty off of Star Trek. Maybe.


  • * Actually this is AND is not (or both) AND may be OR may not be (or both) an article on the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle

See also

Personal tools