Unattended children

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A dingo ate my baby!
~ Inattentive parent on unattended children
Kids votd1995
Unattended children at their worst.

Unattended children (Painious buttoccous) are a subspecies of the Homo Sapien species. Unattended children are the smallest of Homo Sapiens, but tend to be the most annoying. Unattended children live in family groups called gangs. Although unattended children must eat food for nourishment, they also need to harass other unattended children to nourish themselves. The hunting of other unattended children for harassment is often done in gangs, although there are some solitary hunters as well.

The average human child, once entering the unattended state, regresses from a semi-tolerable being into a nightmarish beast of frightening destructiveness.

Unattended children usually live for 16-19 years, although some may live for as long as 22-23 years, before returning to a sane, unobnoxious state. In some very rare cases, a human may never leave the unattended state and can live for decades past the normal end of the unattended state. Such cases often end in the murder of the unattended "child".

Habitat

Unattended children can be found almost anywhere in the world. They often inhabit street corners/sidewalks, bars, cheap restaurants/cafes, basements, abandoned buildings, and private property.

The dangers of unattended children

Tompkins attacks tokyo
An unattended child on a rampage.

Unattended children can cause everything from frustration and annoy to chaos and mayhem. Unattended children have perfected the art of annoying the rest of the world in small ways. Some things that unattended children do to annoy everyone are:

  • Talk to loudly
  • Drive horribly/Ride bicycles horribly
  • Shoplift
  • Litter
  • Loiter
  • Vandalize wikis
  • Terrorize the elderly
  • Rampage through cities

If you come across an unattended child...

Do Not:

  • Make eye-contact - this makes the child feel threatened, which can lead to violent attacks
  • Say anything - children have been known to rip out people's vocal-cords because a person talked to the child
  • Feed the child - this causes children to become more aggressive. Children who have been fed are known to attack more frequently and with no reason at all.
  • Can your pace - slowing down shows weakness, which provokes attack. Speeding up shows fear, which is a form of weakness, which provokes attack.

Do:

  • Travel in as straight a line as possible - this cuts down on the time that you are within the child's range of attack

If the child says anything to you, ignore the child. This means that you don't respond, you don't change your pace, posture, or facial expression. Whatever you do, do not pause for a moment in what you are doing. If the child says something to you again after doing this, the child is threatening you and you should turn to child, growl, and then charge at the child. This should send the child running. If it does not, you're screwed.

Dealing with unattended children

Prevention

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A cage can be a very effective method of preventing a child from becoming unattended.

One of the best way to deal with unattended children is to keep them from being unattended. This can be done several ways. One way is to apply some sort of restraint. This can be anything as simple as using a leash, tying the child to a chair, or using a dog collar that will shock the child if he/she gets too far from a parent. Another way is to contain the child. This can be done by putting the child in a cage or box, locking the child in a room or putting the child behind a fence. The third way to prevent a child from being unattended is to permanently cripple the child so that someone must always be attending the child.

Police

Call the local police. This is an uncreative approach, but it can be very effective with small infestations of unattended children. However this doesn't always work. Usually, the younger the children, the less effective this approach is. This approach is also less effective against white children than it is against black children or Hispanic children. This approach can also be very dangerous if the unattended children find out that it was you that called the police. This will surly lead to horrible retribution. Avoid this approach unless you are 100% sure that it will be successful in handling your problem.

School 1
Children love the military!

Drafting

Get the unattended child drafted into the military, where they'll always be attended by drill sergeants, officers, and a fire squad that will execute them at the drop of a hat. What's the matter? There isn't a war on at the moment. No problem. There's always the Foreign Legion. If you can't get the unattended child drafted into the Foreign Legion, you can always start a war. That's what George W. Bush did 2003 when he started the Iraq War. A troublesome unattended child named Johnny Smith had been bothering President Bush for years. In 2003, Bush finally got so pissed off at Johnny that Bush had the United States Military invade Iraq just to get Johnny drafted and out of the United States. Johnny later returned to the country, but Bush was ready for him. Johnny was accused of being a terrorist and imprisoned in Guantanamo Bay.

There's something very important to be learned from George W. Bush: be creative; there's always a way to get someone you don't like drafted.

Traps

The if all else fails, use a trap. For children under the age of 13, candy, video games, and money are probably the best types of bait. For children ages 13 and up, the best bait would be money, porn (for males), or a guy as dreamy as Edward Cullen or Justin Bieber (for females). Place the bait over a covered-up hole in the ground. This hole is actually a chute that leads into a furnace/fireplace/bonfire/acid pit. The child will go to take the bait not knowing that there is a hole leading to something that will kill him/her. When he/she tries to take the bait, the child will fall down the chute to a very painful death.

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