From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Name: George W. Peterson
Location: Chilly Parts of Scotland
Bio: Newspaper editor ("The Kinrossie Times"), happily married to not only Sarah, but also to gardening.
George W. Peterson!
Saturday May 3rd
Went for my fifth "Cabbage Check-Up" a few minutes ago. Sarah thinks I'm mad, but I don't want to miss anything, now do I?
13:35pm May 3rd from web
Have got to start preparing for new arrival!
14:21pm May 3rd from web
Sarah has just brought home the new cat, and she's settling in. She's eight weeks old, ginger, and incredibly excitable. I think she has OCD. Any ideas for names?
16:09pm May 3rd from web
Sarah has put today's newspaper in the litter tray. Now how am I supposed to find out the news?
16:23pm May 3rd from web
Just remembered I have the Internet! Who needs newspapers anyway!?
16:25pm May 3rd from web
On second thoughts, I suppose I shouldn't have said that, considering I'm a newspaper editor...
16:26pm May 3rd from web
Cat (still unnamed) is ignoring the litter tray and just peed in my slippers. Need to remember to wash them.
16:59pm May 3rd from web
Bloody hell, this is supposed to be my day off! I am now scrubbing cat sick off the carpet.
18:31pm May 3rd from web
Thanks for the ideas for names, people. No offence, but who calls their cat "Ginger Satan" or "The Fluffatron?"
18:37pm May 3rd from web
Cat just ran into a glass sliding door. Teach you to piss in my slippers.
18:56pm May 3rd from web
Time to go check on the cabbages again!
19:01pm May 3rd from web
Update on the cabbages: They're growing nicely. Don't tell Sarah, but I sang to them a bit. It seems to help.
19:08pm May 3rd from web
After buying 18 tins of Whiskers Kitten Tuna Special, Cat has now decided she doesn't like tuna.
19:41pm May 3rd from web
22:58pm May 3rd from web
Was just getting into bed when I realised I had forgotten to put the bins out. Put my slippers on to go do it, and sank into cat pee. Not in good mood with Sarah, who just laughed.
23:17pm May 3rd from web
Sunday May 4th
I love lie-ins. I do not love this new cat. She has pulled down a curtain rail during the night, and eaten my cactus.
10:35am May 4th from web
Turns out her eating my cactus is a bad thing. Sarah has taken her to the vet.
11:04am May 4th from web
No, Sally of Salford, I will not call my cat "Cutiepuff". It's a cat, not a pastry.
11:19am May 4th from web
Just planted some cucumbers in the greenhouse. My wife personally hates cucumbers. This is the revenge for last night's TV choice. Yes...slow-growing revenge, cucumber style!
12:00pm May 6th from web
My wife just returned from the vets. I think I should call the cat "Rip-Off".
12:29pm May 4th from web
Update on the cabbages: Starting to develop a slug problem. No worries, just set down the old beer trap. Let's drown the greedy buggers.
15:32pm May 4th from web
I'm cooking tonight. I don't know how, but I am, apparently.
17:42pm May 4th from web
Pasta. That should be fairly easy. Better go and start, but I'll keep you updated!
18:10pm May 4th from web
Pasta is in the pot, waiting for it to boil. Time to check on the cabbages!
18:24pm May 4th from web
Nothing much on the cabbage front, but pasta has disintegrated and boiled over on to the floor. I maybe left it a bit too long.
18:56pm May 4th from web
Luckily we have another pack of pasta - this time I will not get distracted. Any idea how to make a cheesy sauce?
18:59pm May 4th from web
I now definitely know how NOT to make a cheese sauce. Wife is refusing to help clear up the mess. Just have to remember about the cucumbers.
19:11pm May 4th from web
A brilliant meal, if I say so myself! Sarah says the kids at nursery could have done better but I seriously doubt it.
20:03pm May 4th from web
Update on the cabbages:The "old beer trick" hasn't worked so far. Maybe the slugs in my garden are teetotal?
20:21pm May 4th from web
I am not watching another Extreme Makeover, so I have left the room. Cat keeps trying to pounce on my fingers as I type. It is getting really annoying.
20:49pm May 4th from web
20:50pm May 4th from web
Cat just sat on the keyboard. I have banned her from the study. Probably last tweet today, I'm off to serenade the cucumbers. Ta-ra!
20:51pm May 4th from web
Monday May 5th
Off to work soon. Just found out my cat has now started chasing people as they walk down stairs. Still no name.
08:35am May 5th from web
And she won't be called Dwyffed, either. Thanks for the suggestion though, Robin from Cardiff.
08:36am May 5th from web
At work. On my way I had to drop my wife off at the nursery. I don't know how she stands the kids. Especially that Joshy. He is crazy...
09:15am May 5th from web
So, I have a newspaper to run. But as you can tell because I'm on Twitter, nothing happens in Kinrossie.
11:21am May 5th from web
Lunch: Ham salad sandwiches. Was tempted to pop back home to check on the garden, but decided against it.
12:34pm May 5th from web
BREAKING NEWS! Kinrossie Woman Enraged By Problematic Bus Stop Placement. Luckily, I'm the editor, so I get to send other people out to do the interview.
13:00pm May 5th from web
I wonder what it would be like at a proper newspaper, like a national. I bet it would be more interesting if there were more than 6 people.
16:21pm May 5th from web
It has been decided that this weeks edition will contain a pull out section on the May Day festivities! Jack, the photographer is doing the reporting. I, however, get to do a film review!
16:47pm May 5th from web
Home again. Picked up Sarah on the way back. Apparently one of her kids at nursery had to be airlifted to hospital. THIS SMELLS LIKE NEWS TO ME!
17:57pm May 5th from web
Brilliant. I have got the insider scoop on the story now. Finally, a story worthy of going on the front page!
18:29pm May 5th from web
Update on the cabbages: Having replaced the beer, I now have four drowned slugs. I have also decided that the cucumbers are into the Beach Boys.
19:00pm May 5th from web
Cat (think I might just call her that forever) is stubbornly refusing to eat tuna. She doesn't seem to realise that I have 18 tins of the stuff and it's this or starvation.
19:10pm May 5th from web
Had a nice dinner tonight. Chilli con carne. It's raining so there is no need to water the plants tonight.
20:24pm May 5th from web
The internet is an amazing place, huh? You wouldn't believe some of the stuff on it.
22:11pm May 5th from web
Wow, is that the time? I'm off to bed. Lots of work tomorrow!
22:34pm May 5th from web
Tuesday May 6th
Not quite sure why I'm up so early today. Oh yes, because I have to give medicine to Cat. Because she ate a cactus. Still, life could be worse. At least there is actually some news to report this week!
07:25am May 6th from web
Had my breakfast outside so I could sing to the cabbages. "Edelweiss" from the Sound of Music. My wife thinks I'm mad.
08:13am May 6th from web
At work - and for once we have a story to write. All 6 of us are working to make this weeks edition really great.
10:46am May 6th from web
Our headline, by the way, will this week be: "4 YR OLD IN NURSERY ACCIDENT"
12:12pm May 6th from web
Came home for lunch to water the garden and feed Cat. However, I cannot find the cat. I'm sure she'll turn up.
13:03pm May 6th from web
I now am off to the Kinrossie Cinema to write a review of the film, which stars Vin Diesel. Hope it's a good one!
13:30pm May 6th from web
As it turned out, it was not. Probably would be better than those boring romcoms though.
15:51pm May 6th from web
NO! Have just received a call from the parents of the kid who had the accident. They have just been accosted by Jack the photographer, and have decided they do not want their son in the paper. There goes the headline, the main story and the only news of the week.
16:05pm May 6th from web
Home late today, because we had to decide on a new story for the front page. We are going with "Simply Red - Broken Traffic Lights Cause Havoc."
18:04pm May 6th from web
I have replaced the beer, and there has been a large increase in size of the cabbages! This must be because they like my singing! Must remember to give them a full rendition of the music from The Wizard of Oz when I am watering them later.
18:12pm May 6th from web
Er...we've officially lost the Cat. Or according to my wife I've lost the cat. And it is all my fault, for some reason.
18:26pm May 6th from web
Oh yeah, it actually is. I may have left the back door open this morning.
18:27pm May 6th from web
Have spent the last two hours wondering round Kilrossie looking for the ginger pussy, and then printing out "Lost Kitten" posters at the office.
20:36pm May 6th from web
Sarah has told me I can only eat dinner once I've put up all the posters and found the cat, so I am now off to look round Kinrossie again.
20:44pm May 6th from web
Posters are up. I wish I hadn't put "Wanted: Small Ginger Pussy with a liking for Strong Bristly Plants" as someone might get the wrong idea.
20:47pm May 6th from web
Sarah still says I can't eat dinner. So I have pretended to be looking for the cat, but am actually eating fish and chips in the internet cafe.
20:51pm May 6th from web
Thanks for the suggestion, Sheila from Shrewsbury, I think calling her Scamp would be very appropriate, though I prefer scampi.
20:56pm May 6th from web
Just got an e-mail from my wife, who has been reading my Twitter page. She has "banned me from the Internet forever", apparently. Like she could somehow stop me...
21:00pm May 6th from web
Wednesday May 7th
No UnTweets were written today.
Thursday May 8th
Wow, she's good. I can only do these updates by getting up early and going OUTSIDE on the laptop. If Sarah sees me, I'm dead.
07:11am May 8th from web
Cabbage update: The slugs are back! They were only pretending to be gone. The beer trap hasn't worked!
07:21am May 8th from web
In fact, I have just noticed that some of the slugs seem unable to move in a straight line. Hmm...
07:25am May 8th from web
Right, there's nothing for it. I'm going to burn the slugs with salt.
07:26am May 8th from web
My neighbour is giving me funny looks for some reason. Just because I may be standing outside in my pyjamas singing to my cabbages whilst pouring salt on the ground at half 7 in the morning, doesn't mean I'm strange.
07:30am May 8th from web
Just re-read that sentence. Oh dear God, I'm crazy. (But seriously, the cabbages are into music. Especially the soundtrack to musicals - they love Hairspray!)
07:31am May 8th from web
Friday May 9th
We have found the Cat, and I think Sarah has forgiven me. Well, I'm allowed on the computer, anyway. As it turned out, the Cat crawled into our cereal cupboard, then when I shut the door, she couldn't get out. Now she is scared of Ready Brek.
08:11am May 9th from web
I've thought of a name! Seeing as how she spent her last two days, I think the name Weetabix is appropriate.
08:12am May 9th from web
Sarah thinks that Weetabix is an awful name, but I'm sticking to it.
08:13am May 9th from web
So, today's the day that The Kinrossie Times is printed. The front page story this week? "MAY DAY CELEBRATIONS GET OUT OF HAND: Case Of The Duplicated Raffle Tickets".
09:21am May 9th from web
GOD. My job is so boring! On another note, interesting piece in The Guardian's Gardening section this morning.
09:35am May 9th from web
Well, I'm off to the airport in Edinburgh, to pick up my colleague. He's just come back from Egypt on holiday, but said he might do some reporting there.
10:03am May 9th from web
10:54am May 9th from web
Just got a call from Jack the photographer - there's been a MURDER in Kinrossie! A schoolteacher!
11:10 am May 9th from web
Just my luck. And the people back there can cover the story, the only murder in 20 years, while I wait for a fucking plane. This internet cafe stinks, anyway.
11:13am May 9th from web
11:56am May 9th from web