In recent world news, violence has once again broken out between the countries of Palestine and Israel in what looks to be a prolonged spout of fighting over the land once again. As usual when world events happen like this people have been looking for the cause to the event and some have found the cause, surprisingly, to be Uncyclopedia. The violence was sparked off when two Israelis were found dead in Palestine in June of this year. At the very start of the month on 2nd June, the article Gaza War was featured. Coincidence? Was it just chance that Uncyclopedia featured an article on a previous conflict in the region just before a new one was sparked off? We think not.
Clearly Uncyclopedia has been behind the conflict all along. Wikia has had a lot of interest in the region as a potential to base its international terrorist organisation in a place suitable enough to launch attacks against targets of Luxembourg, Belgium and Holland, founders of the EU. By featuring the article, Uncyclopedia has clearly shown that as a member of Wikia it supports this move and the war. Hence it's the disgraceful users of Uncyclopedia who must be blamed for the world's problems and my taxes.
Still unsure? How about this: In December 2012 protests erupted in Ukraine, with thousands of protestors attempting to remove the government. This sparked off a war in the region ending with the Russian annexation of Crimea. Oddly enough, Julian Assange, who contrary to public belief, was hiding away from US intelligence in the depths of Russia and asked President Putin for a holiday home near the beach. This prompted Russia's invasion and benefited Assange, who was part of Wikileaks, who report directly to Uncyclopedia's host Wikia. On 17th July that year, Uncyclopedia featured the article Ukraine, in blatant preparation for the events that unfolded.
UnSignpost encourages readers to be aware, keep calm and to bring down the corruption that riddles Uncyclopedia.
Veteran archivist Anton199 recently stumbled onto the special-page Special:CloseMyAccount. The existence of such an article is remarkable, as it is right there in the policy manual that no one gives Admins that no one's account is ever closed, and the most that they can do is scoop the meat out of their user page so that Google won't list all the bad edits they made before they matured. (Or contact Wikia directly and threaten to sue.)
As our username database is famously separate from the rest of Wikia, requiring Uncyclopedians not only not to use their usual handle but to pick one that no one anywhere else in Wikia has chosen, there were doubts that the special page would actually work here, but Wikia assured us it had been tested on Uncyclopedia.
As when Grandpa tells the kids which dresser he keeps his loaded handgun in, the editors are not actually advising anyone to use Special:CloseMyAccount, but simply informing them "for future reference." Management has not decided how actively to promote this method of ensuring that, if you are tempted to log in next year, you will be unable to and will have to waste your limited creative juices creating a dopey name for a sockpuppet. Moreover, Anton199 advises that, after "testing the feature," he availed himself of the email option to cancel his election, meaning that his whispered three-week absence means something else entirely.
Following the swan song of Abuse Filters 16 and 20 (see previous issue), the latest stalwart Uncyclopedian to leave is the Sprite. Our webhost Wikia is trying to get out of the stylistic shadows of Wikipedia as desperately as we, for satire purposes, are trying to stay inside. The last UnSignpost reported that your thumbnail illustrations suddenly stopped working or even going to their designated corner after the bell rang; this was revealed to be the deliberate "work" of Wikia.
At any rate, that is the news most resembling drama that doesn't involve actual drama. Though Sprite is now back only in Diet, PuppyOnTheRadio has also been working to ensure there is plenty of Tab.
T'was only a year ago that this newspaper was thrown into a ruinous civil war, that would span the course of a month and still the hatred reeks out of the staples between the paper to this day. The events of the July Coup have never been forgotten, when that person who thought he was something important's authority was over stepped by that other guy. The fighting and devastation that ensued was enough to rip to shreds any normal giant media company but not UnSignpost. We remained strong even when the papers were sent flying off the shelves.
To our younger noobs and newer readers we explain the events of the situation thus: ScottPat was a noble king, who owned a printing press and an infinite set of fairy monkeys with infinite magic typewriters. He had recently hired a brave knight whose name was Sir Anton to look after the castle of newspaper making while he was gone. When he came back the newspaper was completely re-formatted and his throne stolen. Anton and ScottPat fought a duel above lava and after finding out that ScottPat was his father's cousin's best friend's grandmother's postman's milkman, Anton won the duel and forced ScottPat to obey him. ScottPat capitulated his title, however Anton seeing what a massive dump of a company he had won, arranged a deal in which both would share the title of King of UnSignpost.
To avoid confrontation, Anton has taken a 3 week holiday off over the course of July in which he attempts to avoid ScottPat at all costs. We hope that this will not lead to a revengeful attempt to gain power by ScottPat in his absence.
So to all out there celebrating this wonderful occasion, Happy July Coup Anniversary!
I love my UnSignpost, I use it everyday. When Russia turns off our gas supply, I heat my boiler with its beta decay.
There once was a former raper
Who wrote Uncyclopedia's monthly paper
His name was ScottPat
And he'd never write back
To all the letters he received from the haters.
All things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small
Stay the f**k away from UnSignpost or you'll be forever tainted by its call.
Not Anonymous, Middlesborough
This year's Happy Monkey Competition was met with great success both in terms of turn out and judging, it's just a pity about the humour. Well done to Shabidoo for making it happen. Details here.
A special message from the UnSignpost editors to you
As you might have noticed, our generous UnCabalistic Government has provided you with some important news (which you have already learnt by heart and started repeating on the street, we hope). It was announced that Uncyclopedia is not active at all and has never been such.
This implies that we all rely on you, dear reader! You, who instead of reading this article could have voted on VFH, VFP, VFD, NotM, WotM, UotM, PotM, RotM, you, who instead of leaving votes on pages with strange names, could have contributed to the Pee Reviews, Uncyclopedia:Collaboratory, UnSignpost, you, who could have written dozens of brilliant articles (be aware of the fact that the word ‘brilliant’ was only used in order to catch your attention)!
You are our last hope! Not the person behind your back (though he is as well, if he is reading this), not your brother, sister, parent, son, daughter, grandchild, friend, enemy, teacher, pupil, dog, cat, but you. We are all helpless without you! (Please note that this was another phrase written merely to make a good impression on you.)