Uncyclopedia's venerable Pee Review has been "rebooted" with a more colourful review template. The impetus for several editors to acquire a sore kicking foot is the success of the iPhone, now that it shifted its attention from working well to being colourful.
The update is not actually an update but rather a downdate, as instead of inventing a new design for the templates, the editors took a very old one and modified it for the 21st century. That's why this year's mottos are "For the old" (déjà-vu?) and "The more ancient the cheaper better."
The changes are a step towards democracy, as they let reviewers pass judgement on an article without having to know the first thing about mathematics. The reviewer can complete some sections and ditch others. For instance, a reviewer who does not know what the word 'concept' means can confine his analysis to the article's humour. A reviewer who does not know what 'humor' is can — oh, never mind.
Finally, a brand new option, called "Pee(r) Review Lite," lets the reviewer not analyze the article at all but leave a sentence or two about the author's wife — a review with which it will be up to the author to decide whether he is satisfied.
The time of year has come to bear on Uncyclopedia when we must reflect on our proud achievements of the last year. Thus fellow user Anton has opened a forum where Uncyclopedians may vote for the top ten articles of 2013. The creme de la creme of the featured articles from this year that are chosen by the democratic forum will then receive a template made from solid potato. The users who sported these articles will then receive a lot of hate mail from those who didn't get their articles onto the top ten list.
UnSignpost itself will give a day by day step account of the forum on our front page just so that we can fill up some blank space and report more things that no one ever reads!
The first contestants for the Top Ten list have already been put up. These include Neptune (a wonderful article by Greek Uncyclopedian Mimo&maxus about a planet near Uranus), History of Great Britain (a mammoth of an article done by Romartus recounting the entire history of the only country in the world to actually have any history - one wonders why he did not simply entitle it history) and Monopoly (game) (a brilliant article by Sog1970 explaining the many versions of this wonderful, family-friendly form of Capitalist brainwashing). These are just a few of the many great articles already nominated on the forum.
All that is needed now is more nominations from Uncyclopedians, like yourself (yes: YOU!), of great featured articles from 2013 that you have enjoyed. More votes are also needed so please, UnSignpost encourages you, check out the forum.
Rally around the Uncyclopedia flag, comrades, and let us exterminate these decrepit beasts of articles which do so tie our website down. VFD is writhing with terrible articles, so many half-written memes locked up in a dungeon awaiting execution. The best thing for you to do is to help send them on their way so that we may be be-gone with them. If we are to keep our merry island of insanity afloat then we must all contribute to the cause and give 5 votes to every wretched article that lays there. Otherwise, we will only have to let them back into our towns and cities so that our users can be exasperated once again by their petty attempts as humour.
The palpable apathy at VFD is an open invitation for the secret Cabal to use it as an excuse to lower the requirement for deletion, to play games with the game clock, or — if worse comes to worst — just herd so-called articles to slaughter at QVFD and evade our website's democracy entirely. What's more, emeritus Uncyclopedian Aleister religiously turns up at VFD with deletion rationales that always read "Four vote delete sweep" — certainly acting as a secret agent of the Cabal (after waiting a respectful 381 hours to throw off suspicions) to effect a de facto lowering of the threshold of 5 votes that was on the tablet that God inscribed for Jonathan Huang at the dawn of UnTime. As can be imagined, this could lead to good articles by solid contributors being "thrown out with the chaff" into the eternal fiery pit of Uncyclopedic nightmares, to be available only at the Mirror Site, which is eating our lunch lately.
Hence this playing-field of deletion as given way to a battle between the article-rights campaigners and the ones who want the whole lot deported. You, however, can make a difference and stop these extremists, restore Uncyclopedia to stability, and change history forever. We at UnSignpost await your help.
Knowing the frequency of the UnSignpost issues, we can assume that the next issue will only be able to appear in public in 2014. So, the UnSignpost editors have decided to wish you an early happy New Year and a merry Christmas, if you are Orthodox. If you are not, then late merry Christmas! But in that case there is a reasonable doubt that you will be able to spend this late Christmas better than it would it have been without that wish. And we are happy to offer you this wonderful snowflake, which you can use in any possible and impossible way you choose.