Invisible UnSignpost Issue Confuses, Annoys Readers
- By Gerrycheevers
As a gag/publicity stunt/desperate cry for attention, last week's edition of Uncyclopedia's most beloved and 3rd most cherished newspaper, the UnSignpost, was rendered invisible before being delivered. After the issue was wrapped up, UnSignpost contributing editors Dexter111344 and Socky used their inherent superpowers or something to cause the issue to not appear on user's talk pages when delivered. In addition, further enhancements rendered each user's talk page history to not be altered upon delivery, thus completely erasing any evidence that the issue was delivered or even existed at any point.
Feedback thus far has been overwhelmingly negative, with angry subscribers sending death threats and exploding telegrams to the UnSignpost office for the past four days. UnSignpost Executive in Charge of Sniffing Mail, Dognewspaper (pictured), luckily suffered only minor burns and a singed tail. The UnSignpost staff would like to formally apologize to its readers, and assure them that each subsequent issue will be at least partly visible.
Poo Lit Report
- By Electrified mocha chinchilla
After giving the writers time to work on their pieces, and Modus taking time enjoying the disqualification of entries for failing the mandatory steroids screening, the 8nd Edition of the Poo Lit Surprise is in its final stages – judging. This is the time where writers who entered play with their genitals out of anxiety and nervousness, and attempt to bribe the judges with sexual favors and pie.
This PLS saw a great number of entries in the Best Alternate Namespace Article. The reasoning for this, some believe, is that everyone is utterly bat fuck insane and forgot how to write regular namespace articles. Despite being held just prior to the Turkey Day Ball and Conservation Week, the turn-out was overall not bad; Modus' corporate-funded campaign for the PLS is primarily to blame for this. Speaking of corporate funding, it was indicated that there will be prize money for this edition of the PLS despite Wikia's refusal to hook a brotha' up. All irrevocable blame for Wikia's unfortunate decision has been directed at Sannse for good reason.
Winners have been announced; congratulations to all of them. According to Modusoperandi, the next PLS is expected to be held, "When the next guy remembers it's late."
Fantasy Football Update
- By Guildensternenstein
Things are really heating up in the UFFL as midseason nears, and Week Six’s storylines were of upset, domination, and redemption. Led by Tom Brady, the always-solid
New England Patriots Domestic Team Name blew out the hapless Tennessee Titans Winnerz by an insane 109.38 to 0 after choking down a hard loss the previous week. The ironically-named Winnerz, on the other hand, still have yet to win a game. After a lackluster showing last week, The John Curry All-Stars earned a solid win against The Dudes, unseating them of their erstwhile #1 ranking in the process. After starting the season 0-4, Cheddar’s Doritians earned their second consecutive win, albeit against the floundering Dibiase’s Millions. Finally, Sternensteinenstine resoundingly defeated Oklahoma City Storm 164.06 to 118.98 after a lackluster showing the previous week, catapulting the Nazi-run team back atop the UFFL standings.
In a look ahead to next week’s games, Sternensteinenstine looks to stay atop the UFFL rankings against a resurgent Cheddar’s Doritians, Domestic Team Name looks to retake the #1 spot against a very solid John Curry All-Stars, Oklahoma City Storm and The Dudes face off, and the bottom-dwelling dog-fucking last-placers Dibiase’s Millions and The Winnerz will look to see which one of them is shittier.
- Sternensteinenstine (5-1)
- Domestic Team Name (5-1)
- The Dudes (4-2)
- John Curry All-Stars (4-2)
- Oklahoma City Storm (3-3)
- Cheddar’s Doritians (2-4)
- Dibiase’s Millions (1-5)
- The Winnerz (0-6)
IT'S OVER 25,000!!! Maybe.
- By Electrified mocha chinchilla
Uncyclopedia just might make the mark of 25,000 articles. Sometime soon. Maybe tomorrow. Surely it's yet another milestone that only puts us that much more ahead of Wikipedia, Conservapedia, and Das Kapital combined in content. However, thoughts from the rest of the community on what this means for our beloved wiki have been varyingly expressed as joyous, apathetic, dismal, and downright nonsensical. "But even with 25,000 articles, we're still 65,000 short of being strong enough to fight Captain Ginyu," says the attractive Guildensternenstein as we stop him on his way to Planet Namek. Others offer real conversation of a possible reskin and doubts that the mark will actually be reached with Forest Fire Week probably happening sometime. Maybe.
Discussion started by an attention whore in Miniluv over the Welcoming Committee and their welcoming template(s) has sparked the particular attention of many Uncyclopedians, most of whom by their own admission have never read the welcoming template, HTBFANJS, BGBU, any of the other things the welcome template advises new users to read, or have heard of Uncyclopedia. The recent round of QQ'ing and debating over the alleged poor quality of Uncyclopedia, as highlighted in the last edition's piece about the end being nigh and a Poo Lit Surprise nomination, can come to a close. It is this writer's observation that Uncyclopedia is the worst because nobody cares about editing guides which make confusing acronyms. Obvious correlation is obvious.
On our final stop in our stroll through the Village Dump, to your left you will see that a n00b was just kidding, jeez, and to your right you will see that Rockstar Games reads Uncyclopedia. In the former, users urge the poor fellow to read HTBFANJS and BGBU (the same ones that they probably haven't read). If anything is to be drawn from this, it is that true editing comes from within. Or something.
|From our logs:
- 23:04, October 9, 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 18.104.22.168 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (That was a waste of an edit. There are edit-starved kids in China that would've used that to its fullest extent, you know.)
- 10:48, October 13, 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Dwarfman1122 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (Thought you wouldn't be caught, eh? Maybe now you'll think twice the next time you vandalize and then wait three weeks to be banned.)
- 18:27, October 13, 2009 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked 22.214.171.124 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 months (Please enjoy our token Fuck the Hell Off.....)
- 08:10, October 15, 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Sudeepk9 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (wow, we are a beacon of sunshine today, aren't we?)
- 21:27, October 17, 2009 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day (A wizard did this.)
- 17:36, October 19, 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) changed block settings for 126.96.36.199 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (Liking Naruto and insisting we stop making fun of it. What? How is that not a reason to permanently ban someone?)
|Biopic of the Week
Sog1970 has churned out a dozen featured articles in just a few short months, earning him a Writer of the Month nod and now, the most esteemed honor on Uncyclopedia, an UnSignpost biopic. The lack of information on his user page makes writing said biopic rather difficult, but let it be known that Sog radiates awesome.
|Old School Featured Article of the Week
Life's Answerable Questions are a series of ponderances and queriums that have most certainly not chafed at mankind the way other, more disgustingly unanswerable questions have. For example, asking "What's new?" to a stranger will certainly elicit a less confused response than one of those other questions. You know the ones we mean.
- 05:42, October 15, 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 7 minutes (Because I saw you existing.)
- 01:23, October 16, 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 minutes (HOLY SHIT IT'S CAJEK HI CAJEK PS BANBANBAN LOLOLOL)
- 13:21, October 22, 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 147 seconds (I think I'm stressed, I need a release, and this is the best available on this wiki)
Random Obscene Japanese Lesson
- "Kimi no te de boku o ikasete." means "Make me cum with your hand."
- "Kimi no oppai ga DEKAI yo! Ii nee." means "Your breasts are HUGE! Nice."
- "Omawarisan! Chikan o tsuka-mate!" means "Police! Arrest this pervert!"
That should keep you little squirts happy...
|Reason to Leave Uncyc #387
Still no good restaurants.
|This Week in Uncyc, 1933
With the United States deep in a depression, the Uncyclopedia tri-weekly newsreel tried to lighten the mood by poking fun at American President Herbert Hoover and his bumbling sidekick of a Vice President, the famed Charles Curtis. Gags included, and were limited to, both individuals being hit repeatedly with rubber chickens.
|Mass Delusion of the Week
Last week, many users claim to have had similar psychic visions of an alternate Main Page, which told them to do things in a calm, soothing voice. Such notions are of course nonsense; 7 out of the 10 members who sit on the Uncyclopedia Paranormal Activity Investigation and Acupuncture Licensing Board agree that a combination of swamp gas and Venus caused some users to hallucinate vividly, some nearly to the point of seizure.
|Record for Most Boxes Tied
Due to the overwhelmingly large number of stories in this week's extremely humorous edition of the UnSignpost, a correspondingly overwhelmingly large number of space-wasting side boxes had to be added to cause the issue to weigh equally on both sides of reader's talk pages. As a result, the record for number of such boxes has been tied; this issue, along with the March 24th, 1983 edition, have had the most wasted space!